Local News

Bloke Living With Parents Cautiously Divides Attention Between Laptop And Bedroom Door

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local idiot who has found himself back at his parent's house has rediscovered the extremely stressful predicament of having a family member burst into his room at any given moment. The fact that his mum could come rolling in with the laundry basket as late as 10:00pm has made life very difficult for the 28-year-old named Jack, who...

Apprentice Builder Sent Home For Hooking Into Quiche At Smoko

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A prominent local master builder has sent his 17-year-old apprentice home early today after watching him eat a cold quiche for smoko. Visibly shaken by the ordeal, McCarthur Projects owner Miles Hanford said he couldn't believe his eyes when offsider Jason Moulin hooked into the eggy treat. "I mean, he already drives an automatic Falcon ute....

Man Tries But Fails To Have A Bad Time At The Zoo

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A year-long study conducted by The Royal Zoological Society of Betoota has concluded that it's basically impossible to have a bad time at a zoo. Staff and customers at The Betoota Zoo were surveyed over the past 12 months to gauge their satisfaction levels and overall pleasure while visiting the landmark establishment on the South...

“I drink Tooheys Extra Dry because I enjoy disrespecting myself and bringing great shame upon my entire family”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Advocate spoke to the last Tooheys Extra Dry drinker in town this morning to ask him why he does what he does, despite the limp-handshake-lager falling out of vogue some ten years ago. "It's not that I like the taste or the reasonable price," said Damien, a local bank person. "I drink Tooheys Extra Dry...

High-Pitch Giggles Coming From Footy Shed Suggests Islander Players Are Dancing Again

 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Coaches and other spectators are puzzled by what could have triggered the high-pitched giggling fit currently taking place in the home-side changerooms at the Betoota Dolphins clubhouse this morning. After a close win against the Boulia Breakers, most first-grade players have since dispersed into the crowd to talk to their parents and girlfriends ahead of...

Student Hopes His Presence At Christmas Lunch Will Count As A Present

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The youngest-of-four, Morgan Stapleman says he's long been the source of ridicule from his older siblings and parents. He's preparing for that to continue come Christmas Day as the broke 20-year-old gaming attendant doesn't have enough money to buy his family presents for Christmas. "I still have a prepaid phone," he said. "I can't even trust...

Local high schooler tentatively googles Pink Floyd tour dates after buying shirt

12 May, 2017. 14:23 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Mesmerised by the iconic Storm Thorguson-designed prism and refracting light motif that's become synonymous with Pink Floyd's 1973 breakthrough album Dark Side Of The Moon, a South Betoota high school student order a stylish tee with the album cover on it last month. It arrived this morning before school. The British prog-rock group's most...

Local Coward Takes A Slash In Cubicle Even Though There’s Space At The Trough

 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Timid local man, Dave Edmund's insecurities were on show for all yesterday afternoon, when he opted against joining a couple of complete strangers at the urinal of the Lord Kidman hotel is South Betoota. The 19-year-old data entry expert was seen walking into the men's bathrooms for a piss, only two be confronted by two...

Opposing fourth grade teams agree not to tackle anybody on the cricket pitch

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Betoota Dolphins fourth-grade side are scheduled to play the Adavale Pigeons tomorrow morning on Leonard Oval 4, the football field with the cricket pitch right on half way. Notorious for causing horrific rash injuries should a player be unlucky enough to be tackled in the middle of the ground, this time around the two...

Local PR account coordinator literally can’t even after landing dream client

11 May, 2017. 14:23 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Michelle Watson has been trying to crack the Rekorderlig account for nearly a year. This afternoon, that nut finally cracked. "Like holy fucking shit," said the 23-year-old. "I literally can't believe it. I can't even, I can believe this is actually happening. Holy fucking shit!" After what seemed an eternity of lunch meetings, email tag...

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