Local News

Even These Hardened Bush Footy Boys Think ‘Toxic’ By Britney Spears Is A Fucking Track

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact EVEN THOUGH HE JUST RECEIVED a life ban from every licensed establishment in Quilpie, bar Billy's Nyngan-style Chinese Eatery, Matthew Lilac says he has no regrets. His auburn-haired partner in crime, Myles Penile, doesn't have any either. Despite being amongst the most feared private school boarders in the greater Betoota region, the pair both agree that...

Local Greek Asks Girls If They’ve Got Any Greek In Them, And If They Would Like Some

26 October 2016. 10:25 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Greek, Toolio Runamakas has made a wild assumption that the two girls standing at the bar of the South Betoota Hotel are not Greek. But he's gonna check, just in case "Hello ladies, my name is Toolio. I was just wondering... Do you girls have any Greek in you?" The girls, Sarah and Sophie (both 22) who...

High School Invites Bartenders To Speak To Year 12 Class About Perils Of Studying Theatre

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Eliott Franklin's afternoon routine hasn't changed a whole lot since he graduated top of his class in theatre history and performance media. The arts graduate checks the tyre pressure on his bicycle, then loads up Kid A by Radiohead for the 40-minute ride to work. He's a 25-year-old who works weekends - a magical time...

Rockhampton Man Visiting Chinese Joint In The City Asks Staff For Knife, Fork And Spoon

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It was a small step for Marshall Bradey to agree to dine at his now local Chinese restaurant, but it was a giant leap to expect him to use a pair of chopsticks. The unrefined 29-year-old plumber was lured to his cultural doom by Sally Callaghan, his current casual partner who's looking to make what they...

Local Farmer Still Fantasises About Getting His Fucking Hands On Paul Keating

11 October 2016. 15:25 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Renowned Western Queensland grazier, Roger Tully (74) still can't help think about all the sadistic things he would do if was lucky enough to spend a couple hours one-on-one with former Prime Minister Paul Keating. Mr Tully says his livelihood as an agricultural producer was 'put to the fucking test' under the Keating...

Cluey uni student uses Brita filter jug to retrieve goon back from her vomit

11 October, 2016. 17:45 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact BEING A STUDENT IS HARD, especially when you need to shield yourself from your bleak future with cheap wine and petty sexual contact. It's also remarkably expensive. That prompted Kelly Mosshart to invent a novel way of cutting down the costs of being a student - by vomiting into a Brita water filter...

“They Can’t Run Without Heads!” Yells Antisocial Local Dad During U10s Match

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After guiding the Mighty Dolphins under 10s to their eighth premiership in a row, club veteran and Betoota Mayor, Councillor Keith Carton has been criticised today for what many rival clubs describe as poor sportsmanship. The BDRLFC board has today confirmed that Carton has been temporarily stood down and will be further disciplined by the...

Local Punter Doesn’t Know What Q&A Is, But Barnesy Better Play Some Of His Old Stuff

19 September, 2016 17:35 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Tonight will mark the first time that local panel beater, Tony Manakis (48) hasn't watched the ABC since they had sole broadcasting rights for international test cricket. He says he doesn't know too much about this Q&A shit, but if he was ever going to watch something on the public broadcaster again in his life, tonight...

Man finds himself saying ‘fucking cyclists’ every time he gets behind the wheel

17 September, 2016. 16:45 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact JOINING ARTHUR TALLON ON HIS morning commute was stressful enough, but what came out of his mouth was the hate gravy upon his roast of every cyclist we drove past. "Just look at the cunt,' he said. The 43-year-old tax agent pointed with his hand outstretched as we headed toward central Betoota yesterday...

Local Degenerate A Bit Excited By The Idea Of Strangers Looking At His Brazzers History

8 September, 2016. 10:15 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local degenerate, Tyler Watson (35) isn't really worried that nearly 800,000 Brazzers subscribers have had their personal details exposed in a major security breach, even though he is one of them. The IT worker is well aware that the premium porn website has been infiltrated by hackers who stole the details of...

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