The Nation

7-Year-Old Melbourne Kid Familiarises Self With Bizarre Concept Of Communal Learning Environment

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT There were cheers of joy around Victoria and New South Wales today, as a vast number of kids in both states were dropped off at the school gates by their frazzled parents. While NSW students were lucky enough to get a good 6 months in the classroom last year, Victorian families will remember this moment for the rest of...

Report: Imagine If The National Party Put This Much Effort Into Protecting Rural Abattoir Workers

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Following a fortnight of kicking and screaming, the Nationals have finally agreed to back Australia's push to reach Net-Zero. After having to log more hours in a two-week period than they've ever had to before, the Nationals have given Scotty the thumbs to head to Glasgow. Despite that approval, the party who spent more time claiming to represent...

Local Woman Experiments With Gateway Cat

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In Betoota’s French Quarter, account manager Gretchen Steasley (27) may have made her first step on a slippery slope as she adopted a gateway cat. After needing her stomach lining surgically replaced following years of living in a loose sharehouse, Steasley decided to go solo and live it up in a one bedroom apartment.  As the joy of doing housework...

Suburb’s Gentrification Process Now Complete With The Arrival Of Dogs Wearing Raincoats

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Our desert community is mourning the loss of another suburb to the horrors of gentrification this morning after a dog was spotted in Gawden Estate sporting a raincoat. The one rough neighbourhood has been under attack in recent years from do-gooder city workers and the parent-subsidised South Betoota Polytechnic Students who were initially attracted by the...

Local Boomer Sacks Accountant After Having To Actually Pay Fair Amount Of Tax

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local baby boomer has stormed out of his accountant’s office this week after his accountant dared to suggest that the boomer’s tax return might not subsidise the two overseas holidays he had planned for later this year. It’s believed that Simon Hortly-Smith told his accountant that he was a “useless piece of shit” and that he wasn’t sure what he was even paying...

Sharehouse Couch Begins New Journey With Sharehouse That Just Walked Past It On The Street

Residents of ‘The Snake Pitt’ have regretfully moved their three-seater couch on to the street this morning after three long years of service. The five residents of the share house said this was not an easy decision for them to make, but with some of them starting to get more serious partners, they collectively decided it might be time to...

Friend Who Moved To Hobart Begins Ambitious Campaign To Get Friends To Join Her Haha

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT "Guys, seriously" says Lillie (27), right on cue. "We should all move here haha" Lillie is currently going through the paces expected from someone on week-five of a brutal six month placement in Hobart. After wrapping up all of the fun tourist stuff like MOMA, and, umm, the ferry to and from MOMA, the dust has now settled and Lillie has...

Mate Really Sounding Like A Loser Boss During Phone Call With One Of His Younger Colleagues

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Tony Jobs has been caught out by some friends this afternoon. The young engineer from Betoota Heights was sprung using his 'other voice' during a phone call. Foolishly taking a work call in the vicinity of a group of friends down at the recently done up Royal Hotel in Betoota's Old City District, Johns was asking for trouble. "Oh yeah Gday mate," he...

First Prick To Yell ‘Taxi’ After Lockdown Restores Balance In World

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With Melbourne (the most locked-down city in the world during the worldwide virus shutdown) coming out of another lengthy lockdown, it has been confirmed by scientists at the CSIRO that it is indeed a dangerous day to be a beer. As punters line up to get their fill, many arriving at 7am on the dot, even with the facemasks...

Melbourne Man Beats His Mates To The Pub For That First Pint, Just To Take It All In Ya Know

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After an awful couple years, Melbourne has today exited its sixth lockdown, after reaching the 70% milestone of people aged over 16 in Victoria have received two doses of the jab. As of today, school students will return to class part-time, fully jabbed people will be able to visit hairdressers and other beauty salons, and groups will be able...

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