The Nation

‘Why Is Drug Use Increasing?’ Asks Nation Where Schooners Cost $11

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn some confusing and totally unforeseeable news, National Wastewater Drug Monitoring Program reports allege Australians are doing more drugs than ever, with "notable" increases in MDMA consumption seen in the majority of states, and a substantial increase in cannibal use - with ‘Greenslanders’ of course coming out on top with cannabis use, consuming more than 300 kilograms more...

Rumours Swirl That Prince William Might’ve Reinvented Christianity So That He Can Root Other Women

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The British Royal Family is today facing a new set of scandalous allegations, as the Kate Middelton saga rolls on. With the British press sitting on their hands until Buckingham Palace gives them the go ahead to print anything concrete about the whereabouts of Princess Kate - rumours have begun swirling that Prince William may have just reinvented...

“PPE? What Am I? A Leftie?” Says Deaf Man Who Thinks Nobody Speaks Clearly Anymore

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A mature-age apprentice mocked his fellow tradespeople this morning on a residential site in the French Quarter, telling them that wearing personal protective equipment (PPE) is for people who subscribe to left-wing politics. Shortly after Dale Chutney, a 29-year-old building apprentice, began attacking a load-bearing wall with a jackhammer, a fellow apprentice at Glorified Tent...

Fred Again Accused Of Using 2003 Nutri Grain ‘Make Your Own Music’ CD During Last Night’s Set

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact British DJ Fred Again is today facing a PR nightmare, after being accused of making 'Kelloggs music.' The performer who has seemingly been here for like 2 months is yet to comment on the allegations that he's been using the Nutri Grain 'Make Your Own Music' CD to produce all of his recent music. The concerning information comes to...

This ‘Fred Again’ Bloke Seemingly Touring Australia For Months Now

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT British DJ Fred Again… appears to have been in Australia for months now, with no signs of leaving anytime soon. For those not in the know, Fred Again (or simply just FRED), is a Grammy-winning English record producer, singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist and DJ who seems to have a vise-like grip on young urban professionals, who have turned out in...

NSW Gov: “Don’t Worry, More Shitbox Apartments Are On The Way! Stop Leaving Sydney!”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The New South Wales Government has made a promise to young Sydneysiders looking to get out of the nation's largest open-air sewer over the next few years, telling them that their renting days could soon become a thing of the past if all goes to plan. Speaking to the media today in the boomer's picnic,...

Heatwave Forces Tasmanians To Send Their Most Intrepid Son To Mainland In Search Of Fabled “Pedestal Fan”

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT As Tasmania's night time temperatures soared to the unprecedented heights of 24 degrees this past weekend, the usually brisk island state of Tasmania has taken a drastic measure to combat the scorching heat. After exhausting all known techniques for temperature regulation, the Tasmanians must now dispatch one of their most resourceful sons on a dangerous quest to the mainland...

Dog From Anatomy Of A Fall Wins Award For Best Boy

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn some news that shows the world isn’t so bad after all, the dog from this year’s most anticipated thriller movie, ‘Anatomy Of A Fall’, has taken home an Oscar award for ‘Best Boy’, after being the only one of his kind nominated in the category. Adorned with a stunning bow tie, the blue eyed border collie known as...

Dog Pretty Sure Mum With Full Basket Of Laundry Is Here To Play Frisbee

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTMan and dog have lived side by side for a millenia, yet the nuanced needs of the animals in the interspecies friendship are often lost in translation.Case and point, Betoota dog Holly Purpette (5/35) mistook mum, Linda Purpette (45), carrying a full laundry basket as an invitation to grab a frisbee and muck about for a bit.  While humans...

Australian Sport In Parallel Universe Where AFL Cares About Concussion And NRL Is Dealing With Racism Scandal

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACTIt’s not even round one of the respective NRL and AFL seasons, and already it feels as though the two codes have swapped places. While the AFL is known for their unrealistic and aggressive attempts at expanding into new markets, it was only the NRL that launched their 2024 season in Las Vegas - in a hope that our...

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