The Nation

Local Man Hungover Enough To Open Sports Drink While Still In The Aisle

TRACEY BENDINGER | Editor | Contact The distance between where Kai Solomon stands in aisle four of Coles and the closest checkout has proven too much for a hungover Kai this afternoon, it has been confirmed. It’s understood that Kai picked out an Isotonic Powerade (the blue one), at some point in the weekly shop his girlfriend was forcing him to endure, however, due to...

Long Black Makes Sure It’s The Only Thing You Taste Today

A scolding hot long black coffee has this morning shown its true colours, having burnt the shit out of its owner’s mouth with just one sip - effectively preventing the owner from enjoying any other food or flavoured drink for the remainder of the day. The long black in question was bought from the Betoota airstrip McCafé, it’s understood that...

Office Psychopath Suggests Doing A Kris Kringle For Christmas In July

LOUIS BURKE | Lifestyle | Contact Employees of Simon & Simons Law were expecting this week to be the usual soul crushing drudge, only to be bowled a wrong ‘un by office maniac Karen Peterson (49) who is demanding everyone take part in a Christmas in July Kris Kringle. The idea was first suggested by Peterson on Monday during lunch and was met with everyone...

“I’m Technically Croatian” Says Australian Serbs, Bosnians, Macedonians, Ukrainians, Czechs, Lower Polish

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Australia's white ethnic communities are today relishing in the fact that a former Yugoslavian territory that their grandmother may have lived in has progressed to the FIFA World Cup Final against France. The Republic Of Croatia, formerly known as the Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, has knocked England out of the World Cup finals – after close to a...

“It’s Leaving Home” Chants Excited NSW Origin Fans Before Possible Clean Sweep

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact The 2018 Holden State of Origin series decider is on at Suncorp Stadium tonight, as NSW go in search of their first clean sweep since 2000. Billy Slater's final match in the mighty Maroon colours will be the catalyst for the side to play their best game of the series, after his band of Immortal brothers from yesteryear pulled...

Perth Man Shatters Stereotypes And Refrains From Asking Tourists If They Want Some Dexies

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A random half-pissed man in a prominent Perth hotel has broken free from his chains of conformity today and held an entire conversation without offering to sell any prescription medicines to out-of-towners. "It was a real shock" said local tourist, Otto Towner (27). "We spoke about football and the weather for like twenty minutes and then he just told us...

Scientists Uncover One Of The Leading Causes Of Toxic Masculinity

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Toxic Masculinity, what is it? and what causes it? That's what several of Betoota's brightest scientists from the Diamantina CSIRO have put their minds to, after receiving state Government funding to explore this phenomena further. However, it appears one of the leading causes has been sitting on top of the fridge right in front of us. In psychology, the term toxic...

Chubby Wynnum Kid’s Midgie Bites Still Going Strong 4 Months After Moreton Camping Trip

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A portly local 8-year-old with limited self-control has managed to consistently irritate a litter of sandfly bites right into the winter months. It's quite clear that Courtney Beesely, a local primary schooler from Brisbane's bayside, comes from a 'camping family' - given her non-stop show-and-tell stories about gutting jewfish and lighting fires. Despite being warned and warned about the possibility...

5 Tips To Help You Avoid Joining An African Gang

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT If you've been watching Channel 7's Sunday Night program, or listening to the Liberal politicians campaigning in Victorian by-elections, you would know that the biggest threat to the people of Melbourne right now is the small percentage of juvenile offenders within the Sudanese migrant community -  which makes up just 0.1 per cent of Victoria's total population, roughly...

Queensland Considers Turning Ipswich Off At The Wall And Trying Again

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The people of Queensland have today decided it might be time to start again with Ipswich. This follows the breathtaking South East Queensland river city of Ipswich's dismissal of it's second mayor in 18 months, before the state government decided that the entire City Council should be sacked and have administrators appointed. The announcement came less than an hour...

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