The Nation

Local Pub Apologises For Showing Depressing Fight Between Two Old Men Over The Cricket

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter publican has admitted fault today after choosing to pay the thousand or so dollars to broadcast a fight between two old men over some explosive One Day International cricket. Andre Spears, from the Trombone Rouillé Inn on Rue de Branlette told this...

Local Freelance Creative Looking Forward To Another Christmas Of Family Career Advice

LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT Local muso/visual artist Chet Streeton has revealed this week that he’s very much looking forward to hearing all of the alternative career options his extended family will suggest at this years Xmas gathering. “It’s really great that they look out for me like that”. smiled Streeton. “I love hearing about which industry is paying well, which one...

Dad Manages To Make Enough Shepherds Pie To Last Family Entire Week That Mum Is Away

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT It is not lost on the teachers at South Betoota primary that the Andersen kids have been constantly yawning throughout the school day, after four 9:30pm sheperd's pie dinners in a row. The current dysfunctionality of their household has become so obvious that the school principal has gone as far as calling their oldest child to her office for...

“You’re All Whipped!” Writes Young Professional To Group Chat While Drinking Alone In Seedy Sports Bar

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Nobody wrote back to his 2 pm message asking if anybody was about for beers this afternoon, so Chris Masters took matters into his own hands. The 29-year-old bachelor clocked out from his Old City district bespoke, boutique public relations agency at around 3 pm and walked straight into SportsQuest Bar & Grill on the...

School Leaver Student Buys 24 Pack Of Ultra-Thin Frangers After Putting Cologne On His Penis

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A low-key, completely supervised, midweek social mixer is expected to become a full blown orgy tonight, that's judging by a local school leavers discreet purchase at a out-of-the-way supermarket this afternoon. Betoota teenager Ed Coorey (17) has full intentions of using every single one of the 24 ultra-thin latex condoms he just bought, which have since been stashed inside...

This Sun Has Got Some Fucking Bite, Says Nation’s Tradesmen

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With the mercury rising to upwards of forty degrees celsius in some Australian capital cities today, it has been confirmed that the entire nation's construction industry are fucking off it. "Fuck this shit," say Jack Kennedy, a 27-year-old maritime carpenter who was approached for comment by our reporters. "This is fucked," "You fucken journos spend most of your time in the...

Confusion As Local Friend Actually Wasn’t Joking About Being Vegetarian Now

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Wanda Mardy asked for her guest's dietary requirements a week out from her weekend lunch jamboree at her parent's heritage-listed Betoota Heights Queenslander. What she received back in the post raised not one - but both eyebrows. "Wow," she said softly. "There's a lot of vegetarians this year. Christ, there's a pescatarian. What the hell is that? Perhaps Dad shouldn't have...

Hungover Woman Narrows Down Small Blemish To Either Blackhead Or Something Way More Serious

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT “Hmmm, I should probably get this checked out,” stated Haley Casiano as she thumbed a blemish on her right temple that wasn’t there before she drank two and a half bottles of channel country Pinot Grigio.   Choosing to maximise her time on Earth, Casiano spent the previous evening getting...

Gladys Invokes The Hoobastank Defence: “I’m Not A Perfect Peeeeerrrrrsssoooooonnnnn!”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The under-seige New South Wales Premier Gladys Berejiklian has invoked the Hoobastank Defence today in a last ditch effort to save her position as leader of the state's Liberal Party. Hoobstank, a post-grunge alternative rock with a fusion of nu metal verging on funk metal...

Man Permanently Sears Taste Buds After Pumping Salt And Vinegar Chips With Nothing To Drink

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Like the flap of a butterfly’s wings, a small, inconsequential decision has led to a man permanently losing the function of his taste buds. Local sparky Darren Hayes tells our reporter that the harrowing chain of events started the night before when he’d forgotten to charge his...

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