The Nation

Labor Folds And Announces Boomers Can Trade Franking Credits For Pieces Of Bleached Coral

INGRID DOULTON| Culture | Contact Federal Labor has proven once again that they're simply the diet version of the Coalition this morning by announcing that boomer fucks can trade their franking credits for bits of Great Barrier Reef coral their entitled generation has bleached beyond recognition. This is the second capitulation...

Office Millennial Takes A Break From The Suicide Jokes After Full Moon Recharges Her Crystals

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Scout Kitchwell (20), a resident millennial at a local outdoor marketing company has today shocked her coworkers after managing to last the entire morning without saying she literally wants to die. The part-time-photographer-slash-food-blogger-slash-full-time-office-manager is bouncing between office cubicles with an extra spring in her step this morning.

Lean Cuisines Attempt To Charm Local Bigfella Away From The Chicken Kievs And Party Pies

COLIN STEIN | Frozen Goods| Contact A Betoota Heights big chief has spoken of how a TV dinner tried to lure him away from his beloved chicken Kievs this evening down the supermarket, telling our reporters that the price and calorie count almost had him fooled. Ben Jenkinson, a project manager...

“So Much For A Drought” Laughs Shorten While Inspecting Bore-Irrigated Nature Strip Out West

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT While February has seen farmers in parts of western Queensland saw their stock drown and die from exposure in disastrous flood conditions which has claimed the lives of over half a million cows, farmers further south from the Tropic of Capricornia are still as dry as Keith Urban's backstage dressing room.

Farmer Wants A Wife Producers ‘Struggling’ To Find Someone Prepared To Marry Cotton Grower

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The producers of Farmer Wants A Wife have admitted they've had a hard time trying to find someone prepared to marry a local cotton farmer on this year's season because of all the negative press the industry has received lately. Far-South Betoota dryland cotton...

Peter Dutton Hires Billy McFarland As Director Of Christmas Island Processing Centre

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After being impressed by how many unwitting people he managed to trap on the Bahamian island of Great Exuma during his failed 2017 Fyre Festival, Peter Dutton has today announced that American entrepreneur Billy McFarland will be running all operations in the soon-to-be reopened Christmas Island Detention Centre. This...

Local Boomers Need TV Volume On 60 But Can Still Hear Wine Bar Two Blocks Over

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A pair of social, economic and political handbrakes on our progressive desert community have told The Advocate this morning that while they need their television volume to be nearly at the max, they can still hear a popular wine bar two blocks over at night time.

Putin Politely Declines The Nightwatchman’s Request To Interfere In Our Election

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Coalition Government have today announced that they are now ready to hand over to Labor, after even the Russians have deciding against electing them. This comes after a Prime Minister Morrison took an overnight flight to Moscow from Mt Isa on Sunday, to meet with President Putin.

R Kelly and Chris Brown Announced As Pre-Match Entertainment For 2019 NRL Grand Final

RICK MOSS | Culture | CONTACT In a desperate bid to resurrect their once wholesome and family friendly image, the NRL have today decided to spend big dollars on flying out some of the biggest recording artists in music history for the 2019 NRL Grand Final. This comes after an absolutely chaotic off-season that...

Gifted Local Student Looks Forward To A Life Of Failing To Live Up To Everyone’s Expectations

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A gifted and talented youngster at Saint Brett's Cathedral School in Betoota Heights has told The Advocate this afternoon that even after he aces his high school leaving exams and his university degree, he's still optimistic about failing to live up to the high expectations his friends, family...

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