The Nation

Court Finds That Chris Gayle Adequately Covered Middle Stump

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Fairfax media has today had to come clean that they may have reported bullshit after being found guilty of defaming Jamaican cricket legend Chris Gayle. The international batsman has been awarded $300,000 in damages for being defamed in articles that claimed he whipped it out in front of female massage therapist in Sydney in 2015. The since discredited articles...

Turnbull Finally Allowed To Put Solar Panels On His Roof After Being Cut Loose By Liberals

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has today gleefully climbed on top of the roof of his Point Piper harbourside mansion, after finally getting the sign-off to take part in renewable energy conspiracies. This comes after the expiry of his non-compete contract with the Liberal Party. It is believed Turnbull spent the afternoon annoyingly quizzing the contractors he had employed...

Lifetime Of Debt Caused By Extortionate Sydney Rent Made Bearable By $11 Schooner At Opera Bar

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A couple of Sydney residents have had their pains eased this afternoon. Despite suffering through a lifetime of financial misery because they were born in the developer's daydream of Sydney, a couple of locals have realised that things aren't so bad today. This comes after they decided to go down and enjoy a couple of cold beers at the popular...

Core Of Earth Found To Be Made Of Hot Apple Pie Filling

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Proving once again that we still do not fully understand the world we live in, scientists at Betoota University have discovered the core of the Earth is made of hot apple pie filling. The revolutionary findings were uncovered when lab technician Helen McCrae (28) bit into a hot apple pie and wondered why the fuck anything would ever...

Lyle Shelton Receives Inconvenient Reminder His Religion Is About Love And Tolerance

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Former leader of Australian Christian Lobby and Kingaroy High's Most Likely To Move The World Back A Step 1988, Lyle Shelton, has spent the day angry and unhappy after receiving an inconvenient reminder that his religion is about love and tolerance. A prominent figure in the cult-classic ‘No’ campaign, Shelton now serves as the federal communications director of...

Little Aussie Battler Glad His Billion Dollar Multinational Mining Corporation Is Finally Being Heard

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Mining magnate Gautam Adani has been praised by coal advocates today following the announcement that the coal mine in the Galiee basin will go ahead. After initally facing revenue issues, the company announced yesterday that they had managed to secure the funding required to get the project up and running. That news was greeted warmly by Federal Resources Minister Matt Canavan...

Bank Executive Wondering If There’s Been Enough Clear Air To Slide A Christmas Bonus Through

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A high flying top end employee at one of Australia's banks has confirmed today that he is facing quite the dilemna. The 53-year-old board member at the Commonwealth Bank named William Cashman explained that he has been mulling over whether to ask for a little bonus ahead of the festive season. Cashman told us that if was any other year...

Stagnant Brown River Somehow Still ‘Mighty’ According To Locals

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A new study released today has confirmed that residents of every single Australian town and city with a river, are under the impression that their waterway is 'mighty.' The research released by the CSIRO examined 100's of localities built around a river and found in every instance that the locals used certain terminology to describe their natural streams of...

Bill Shorten Meets With Jeff Horn To Prove To Australia That Winners Don’t Need A Personality

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT ALP leader and prominent charisma vacuum Bill Shorten has today sent a strong message to the Australian voters by posing with a similarly bland Australian sports superstar. Bill Shorten appeared alongside Jeff Horn in a surprise press conference in Brisbane City this afternoon, before explaining how his leadership inspired by Jeff Horn's performances in the ring and overly...

PM Attempts To Resolve Issues With Julia Banks By Asking Her If Everything Is Alright At Home

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A desperate Prime Minister Morrison has today made an effort to mend his relationship with former Julia Banks MP, after her decision to resign from the Liberal Party and plunge the Morrison Government further into minority. Banks' decision to leave the party sends a devastating message to voters that the Liberal Party is hostile to women. It's a decision...

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