World News

Trevor Noah Not Exactly A Fucking Oil Painting Himself

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A prominent overseas comedian with a head like an adolescent Benjamin Button is apparently a pretty good authority on modern beauty, it has been confirmed. While looks aren't everything, a recent poll on Australians of all racial backgrounds has found that Trevor Noah has a head like a kicked in biccie tin. Trevor Noah, host of the poorly revamped The...

Putin Tells Mates Over A Few Squat Beers That He Almost Feels Bad For America

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Just days after meeting with US President Donald Trump in Helskini, Vladimir Putin has taken some time off to relax with friends this afternoon on the banks of the mighty Myoka River in St Petersberg. Witnesses say the Russian President picked up half a box of local lager from a nearby chemist, changed into his favourite velour tracksuit and...

Trump’s Meeting With Putin Just A Chance For Everyone To Use The Word ‘Meddled’

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Following the vaguely confirmed rumours that Russia might have interfered with the 2016 Presidential election, journalists around the country are relishing in the chance to use their new favourite word EDIT** Following the vaguely confirmed rumours that Russia might have MEDDLED with the 2016 Presidential election, journalists around the country are relishing in the chance to use their new favourite...

Trump Reconsidering His Presidency After Seeing Protestors In London

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact The President of The United States is apparently now questioning his position as the most powerful man in the world, after seeing crowds of anti-Brexiters protesting his existence in London. Hundreds of thousands of protestors have gathered in central London on Friday, intent on mocking U.S. President Donald Trump on his only full day of business with British leaders on what...

All 15 Thai Boys Rescued After Neymar Is Brought In As Specialist Diver

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In the good news story of the year, the stranded junior Thai Football team known as the ‘Wild Boars’ have finally been rescued today. Thai Authorities have thanked all those involved in the rescue operations and extended a special thank you to Brazilian footballer and expert diver Neymar. Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior (commonly known as Neymar) who featured for...

Football Not Exactly Excited About Coming Home

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The world game has today spoken out about an reluctance to go back to the grey skies and non-stop sleet and rain that it once called home. As reported earlier today, England is looking to win its first World Cup since it defeated West Germany in 1966 for its only ever championship in the history of the tournament. Association...

Planet Earth Struggles To Process Unfamiliar Feelings Triggered By A Rare Good News Story

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A trending international news story has left the people of Planet Earth feeling unfamiliar emotions such as joy and relief today, after 12 Thai kids and their assistant soccer coach were found alive in a cave complex nine days after they went missing. "It's just such lovely news" said a Betoota local named Glenn, currently sitting at the front bar...

Vocal Anti-Plastic Campaigner Probably Gonna Stick To Bottled Water In Bali

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Betoota based anti-plastic campaigner and eco-warrior Mia Bowler (25) has today conceded that she probably won’t be drinking out of the tap on her next trip to South East Asia. The PR graduate and social media activist has confirmed that while she has done away with coffee cups and single-use straws, water straight from the...

Russian Footballers Celebrate Another Couple Days Of Having Kneecaps

The Russian national football team are celebrating a historic and monumental occasion today, after officially being told by the Russian government that they are allowed to keep their kneecaps for another 3 days. The good news comes on the back of Russia's record-breaking World Cup win over favourites Spain, which is being described by many as one of the best...

Drake Releases 25 New Songs About Him Maybe Overthinking Social Media Behaviour Of Females

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Canadian rap superstar Drake has broken historic streaming records with his new album "Scorpion" - with fans nearly clocking up 1000 years worth of listening time since it's release on Friday. Apple Music and Spotify both reporting unprecedented listenership in its first day, with Apple Music confirming that Drake's fifth studio album was streamed 170 million times in...

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