World News

Melinda Gates Awarded Custody Of 50% Of World’s Population Controlled By Microchips

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A court deciding one of the largest divorce settlements in history has awarded Melinda Gates custody of 50% of the people who have taken the spicy cough jab. These people, who have become virtual zombies thanks to the tiny microchips personally added to the shots by Gates, are now legally Melinda’s property, for her to use as she...

Biden: “Please Don’t Use The $735M Worth Of Precision-Guided Weapons We Sold You 2 Weeks Ago”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT US President Joe Biden has expressed support for a ceasefire in Palestine during a phone call to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. This comes as the death toll continues to rise since violence erupted last week. Officials say 212 Palestinians have died, including 61 children and 36 women. Ten people have been killed in Israel, including two children. The UN...

Matt Damon Asks US TV Hosts To Hold Up A Sec So He Can Get On Race 2 At Mackay Before It Jumps

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A couple of American Breakfast TV hosts hoping for some front-page gossip have had an interview take a bizarre turn this week. Speaking to Hollywood star Matt Damon, the pair of interviewers from the United States where awkwardly left to fill airtime as their guest stumbled off into the back ground for 60 seconds or so. "Hold up...

Denzel To Star In New Revoltingly Violent Movie He’s Clearly Not That Emotionally Attached To

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In some exciting news for middle aged dads right around the world, Denzel Washington is back... In a movie about a man with nothing to lose. The new flick has not been met with much hype, as it clearly follows the same formula as all of the recent shoot 'em ups that followed his epic 2004 action thriller, Man...

Big Pharma Feeling Persecuted By Calls To Make Life-Saving Treatments Accessible To The Poor

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The worlds giant pharmaceutical companies have today expressed outrage at calls for mammoth profits to be put aside for the sake of humanity. This comes after US President Joe Biden threw his support behind a proposed World Trade Organization (WTO) waiver of intellectual property rights for those spicy cough preventer doses. The proposal was put forward by South...

Nation That Has 9 Cities With More Residents Than NSW Surprisingly Not Reliant On Our Business

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT GREAT NEWS FOR EXPORTERS! In some pretty ordinary news for anyone whose livelihood relies on China for imports or exports - the economic superpower next door has "indefinitely" suspended all activity under the China-Australia Strategic Economic Dialogue. Relations between the two countries have deteriorated since Canberra called for an inquiry into the origins of the COVID-19 pandemic, which came...

Gun Enthusiasts Outraged as Joe Biden Places Restrictions On Surface-To-Air Missiles

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT US President Joe Biden has enraged American gun enthusiasts with new restrictions on several popular types of surface-to-air missiles. Under the revolutionary new rules, those with a history of psychiatric episodes, who are currently incarcerated, who have previously been incarcerated for a violent firearms offence or who are under the age of 10 will be restricted to owning...

“Well Thank Goodness That’s All Over!” Says White America

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT White Americans, from the College lawns to the Oval Office are today cheering at the news that they will never have to confront the term 'Black Lives Matter' ever again. This comes as a US jury finds former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin unequivocally guilty of the murder of George Floyd, whose death sparked worldwide protests, violence and a furious re-examination of...

French Foreign Legion Unveil Elite New Training Facility To Rival Australian Navy

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some news that will appease Australia's Little Man Syndrome on the global stage, our navy has reportedly sent shock waves around the world. Following the viral success of the Australian Navy's Elite Twerk Division at the commissioning of HMAS Supply in Sydney, the French Foreign Legion is set to follow our lead. The huge news was announced...

Chinese Military Drop Claims To South China Sea After Learning About Australian Twerk Division

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The world is breathing a huge sigh of relief today, after reports the Chinese military is relinquishing its claim to the South China Sea. That massive pressure valve release comes after the Chinese President Xi Jinping was shown videos of Australia's elite Twerk Division doing their thing. It's believed that after being shown footage of the dance routine at...

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