World News

Planet Earth Struggles To Process Unfamiliar Feelings Triggered By A Rare Good News Story

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A trending international news story has left the people of Planet Earth feeling unfamiliar emotions such as joy and relief today, after 12 Thai kids and their assistant soccer coach were found alive in a cave complex nine days after they went missing. "It's just such lovely news" said a Betoota local named Glenn, currently sitting at the front bar...

Vocal Anti-Plastic Campaigner Probably Gonna Stick To Bottled Water In Bali

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Betoota based anti-plastic campaigner and eco-warrior Mia Bowler (25) has today conceded that she probably won’t be drinking out of the tap on her next trip to South East Asia. The PR graduate and social media activist has confirmed that while she has done away with coffee cups and single-use straws, water straight from the...

Russian Footballers Celebrate Another Couple Days Of Having Kneecaps

The Russian national football team are celebrating a historic and monumental occasion today, after officially being told by the Russian government that they are allowed to keep their kneecaps for another 3 days. The good news comes on the back of Russia's record-breaking World Cup win over favourites Spain, which is being described by many as one of the best...

Drake Releases 25 New Songs About Him Maybe Overthinking Social Media Behaviour Of Females

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Canadian rap superstar Drake has broken historic streaming records with his new album "Scorpion" - with fans nearly clocking up 1000 years worth of listening time since it's release on Friday. Apple Music and Spotify both reporting unprecedented listenership in its first day, with Apple Music confirming that Drake's fifth studio album was streamed 170 million times in...

Melania Trump Makes History As First Immigrant Allowed To Leave An ICE Detention Centre

KENT REGINALD | The World | Contact First Lady of the United States and woman who no one knows for sure can read, Melania Trump, is being hailed as a hero of the left and a champion of free movement and open borders this week, after officially becoming the first immigrant to ever leave an ICE Detention Centre. Mrs. Trump, who was born in Slovenia,...

Highly Anticipated Beyoncé And Jay-Z Album Still Not Enough To Make Tidal A Thing

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | CONTACT Beyoncé Knowles and Shawn Carter (Jay Z) have this week released a joint album titled ‘The Carters’, and while such a monumental feat of music and artistry should push the album to number one on any chart, some questionable marketing decisions by the couple could be their undoing. The pair decided to release their album only on their music...

Australia Sends Dutton To Advise Trump On Separating Immigrant Children From Their Parents

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT US President and historical figure your grandchildren will get in trouble for impersonating at a fancy dress party, Donald Trump, has reportedly reached out to the Australian Prime Minister in a heartfelt plea to understand how the US can be better at ripping immigrant children from their families. The US Government, who is currently offering enforcing a refugee amnesty...

Scientists Confirm Post Malone Is 70% Labrador

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a year long study into his genetic make-up, scientists have today confirmed that 22-year-old cloud rapper Post Malone is 70% Labrador. The study was commissioned by the American Medical Association and was conducted by researchers from the University of Texas in Malone's home state. There have been rumours of Malone's dogginess for several months now, after he was seen drinking...

Sesame Street Unveils Scary New Coastie Puppet, The Grog Monster

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet| CONTACT The makers of the iconic and ever-popular children's television program Sesame Street have shocked parents and children today with a spooky new coastal Australian character called the ‘Grog Monster.’ Sesame Street is an American educational children's television series that combines live action, sketch comedy, animation and puppetry and has influenced children for a few generations. The new Grog...

Gran Still A Bit Funny About The Japanese

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Local sales manager Kerine Wright (24) has had a hard time convincing her grandma Olive Murphy (84) that Japan is a safe holiday destination as her nana continues to not trust the Japanese. Planning on visiting Japan for only the third time this year, Wright states her grandma’s experiences as a child during World War 2 forged lifelong opinions about...

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