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North Korea’s Successful Long-Range Missiles Tests Somehow A Feel Good Story In Current News Cycle

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Lovers of good news stories have been left tentative this week as North Korea successfully tested long range missiles.  Over the weekend, North Korean long-range cruise missiles flew 1,500km before hitting their targets in their own territorial waters after approximately two years worth of development.  Although the hermit nation has been in a gridlock with the USA about denuclearisation, the...

Liberals Wait A Good 3 Weeks Before Joining America In Another War We Will Also Likely Lose

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The prime minister, Scotty From Marketing, announced on Thursday morning that Australia would be paying $500 million dollars to rip up its multi-billion dollar submarine contract with the French - so that he can sign a new deal with the US and UK. For Scotty, It's a political play that kills two birds with one stone: 1, skipping...

China Panics After Learning They’ve Only Got 25 Years Until Australia Gets 8 New Submarines

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT According to Scotty From Marketing's newest announcement aimed at drowning out the news that Christian Porter MP is paying his legal fees through a blind trust that has been topped up with millions of dollars by a faceless stranger who he has never met, Australia is getting eight cool new submarines! Yesterday it was announced that several cabinet...

New Zealand Says Keith From New Plymouth Will Shoot Any Aussie Sub That Enters Kiwi Waters

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Look out! There are some fighting words from across the ditch today! Following the news of a trilateral agreement between the UK, US, and Australia, our jealous neighbours who weren't included on the group call have hit out. The Prime Minister of New Zeland has revealed that Australian nuclear-powered submarines won't be allowed into Kiwi waters. "Let me be...

Local Big Unit Begins Working On His Summer Rig After Being Inspired By Kim Jong Un’s Glow Up

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Betoota Dolphins 3rd Grade prop, Rick Chassis (37) has today laced up the ASICS and pounded them into the dirt track out the back of the Flight Path District golf course. After years of slowly adding layers to his dense husk, the local woodwork teacher has finally decided enough is enough, and is today starting his weight...

Joe Rogan Fan To Pause All Of His Staunch Opinions On Modern Medicine For The Next Week Or So

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT MIXED MEDICAL ARTS: A local carnivore from Betoota's aspirational suburban wedge known as Betoota Heights has today gone quiet, for the next little while. 28-year-old construction manager, Jonno McAfferty says he's never really been opposed to any form of medicine, but due to the ten faithful years he has dedicated to listening to the Joe Rogan podcast -...

US Arms Dealers Ask Biden If It’s Too Soon To Start Doing Business With The Taliban Again

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the final US evacuation flights leave Afghanistan, powerbrokers back home on US soil are already beginning to get to work. With the Taliban now given free rein to run their brutal regime without any cheques or balances, US arms dealers have begun enquiring about keeping the profits rolling. This comes as US President Joe Biden confirmed the...

Office Hip Hop Guy Not That Switched On Today As He Processes 109 Raw Minutes Of Kanye West

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Hip hop fans around the world are struggling to function at full capacity today, following the long-awaited release of Kanye West's tenth studio album. Kanye dropped the 27-track "Donda," at 10pm AEST last night, it comes more than a month after its original release date. In the lead up to this release, he has hosted three enormous listening parties...

TV Series About Fucked Up Rich People Detached From Reality Unsurprisingly Filmed In Byron Bay

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Nicole Kidman is back on the screen in a new TV thriller about a bunch of delusional rich people with lots of baggage that they think will be fixed by immersing themselves in a high-end luxury lifestyle in a picturesque town with no poor people. Based on a book written by the same Australian author that wrote that...

Afghan President ‘Pulls A Scomo’ And Flees On An Aeroplane While His Nation Burns To The Ground

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT As the Taliban continue to consolidate their control over the major cities of Afghanistan, the president of their now collapsed US-backed government has left his supporters hanging at the gates of the airport - while he 'pulled a scomo'. 'Pulling a scomo' is a popular expression within the Australian vernacular, and is used to describe the actions of...

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