World News

Scotty Addresses World Leaders: “Now… This Is Coal. Don’t Be Afraid! Don’t Be Scared. It Won’t Hurt You…”

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Presidents and Prime Ministers from around the world have today dropped their heads in unison, as our leader made his address to the COP26 Climate Summit in Glasgow. Speaking at the landmark meeting, Prime Minister Scott Morrison caused eye-rolls and even some gasps as he produced a giant lump of coal. “This is coal,” said Scotty to a...

PM Regrets Not Bringing A Few Foreign Policy Advisors With Him To Glasgow Instead Of 4 Cameramen

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has today learnt how expendable he is when it comes to the historic bond shared between the United States of America and the rest of Europe. Day one of a week long European summit of world leaders has gone awfully pear-shaped from the Australian PM, after the French President openly told journalists that he...

UK Learns That Deporting Anyone Willing To Work A Shit Job Means The Shit Jobs Don’t Get Done

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Worksites around the United Kingdom have been sitting empty for weeks, as the Brits learn that maybe they didn't really think too far ahead with this whole Brexit thing. Without any unskilled Romanian, Polish or Hungarian labourers to pour concrete and dig holes - the coldest and wettest country in Western Eurasia is learning why they joined the EU...

PM: “I’d Go To The UN Climate Change Conference If Glasgow Wasn’t Such A Shithole”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Scott Morrison has reportedly made a decision on whether he's going to personally attend the 2021 United Nations Climate Change Conference in Glasgow later this year. While it was speculated that the Prime Minister wanted to stay here in Australia for the rest of the year to coral the Nationals and receive second-hand praise when...

PM Avoids Embarrassment Of Biden Forgetting His Name By Yelling “SCOTTY’S HERE!” Upon Arrival

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT While walking up the White House steps today, Scotty From Marketing has gone extra lengths to save to himself the embarrassment of being exposed as the revolving door leader of an inconsequential oceanic nation, by declaring his arrival at full volume in third person. "SCOTTY'S HERE!!!!" announced the Australian Prime Minister, hoping the President or at least some...

North Korea’s Successful Long-Range Missiles Tests Somehow A Feel Good Story In Current News Cycle

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Lovers of good news stories have been left tentative this week as North Korea successfully tested long range missiles.  Over the weekend, North Korean long-range cruise missiles flew 1,500km before hitting their targets in their own territorial waters after approximately two years worth of development.  Although the hermit nation has been in a gridlock with the USA about denuclearisation, the...

Liberals Wait A Good 3 Weeks Before Joining America In Another War We Will Also Likely Lose

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The prime minister, Scotty From Marketing, announced on Thursday morning that Australia would be paying $500 million dollars to rip up its multi-billion dollar submarine contract with the French - so that he can sign a new deal with the US and UK. For Scotty, It's a political play that kills two birds with one stone: 1, skipping...

China Panics After Learning They’ve Only Got 25 Years Until Australia Gets 8 New Submarines

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT According to Scotty From Marketing's newest announcement aimed at drowning out the news that Christian Porter MP is paying his legal fees through a blind trust that has been topped up with millions of dollars by a faceless stranger who he has never met, Australia is getting eight cool new submarines! Yesterday it was announced that several cabinet...

New Zealand Says Keith From New Plymouth Will Shoot Any Aussie Sub That Enters Kiwi Waters

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Look out! There are some fighting words from across the ditch today! Following the news of a trilateral agreement between the UK, US, and Australia, our jealous neighbours who weren't included on the group call have hit out. The Prime Minister of New Zeland has revealed that Australian nuclear-powered submarines won't be allowed into Kiwi waters. "Let me be...

Local Big Unit Begins Working On His Summer Rig After Being Inspired By Kim Jong Un’s Glow Up

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Betoota Dolphins 3rd Grade prop, Rick Chassis (37) has today laced up the ASICS and pounded them into the dirt track out the back of the Flight Path District golf course. After years of slowly adding layers to his dense husk, the local woodwork teacher has finally decided enough is enough, and is today starting his weight...

Social

781,079FansLike
603,780FollowersFollow
102,885FollowersFollow

Breaking News