Politics

Government Asks Youth To Use Their Retirement Savings To Prop Up Hyper-Inflated Property Market

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Federal Government is calling on the nation's young people to take on six to seven figures of debt to prop up the hyper-inflated national property market in an effort to keep on securing the grey vote. To do that, the Federal Treasurer Joshua Frydenberg is allowing first home buyers to use the savings young...

States Ask PM To Lend Them Tamil Family Detention Facilities To Help With Quarantine Effort

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact State governments have today publicly demanded the Prime Minister do more to help with the quarantine effort. After handballing the vast majority of responsibility for quarantine to the states, they have now asked the nation's leader to let them use Commonwealth facilities that are sitting idle. West Australian Premier Mark McGowan has led the charge, today requesting that...

International Trade Back On As Scotty Tees Up Meeting With Nigerian Prince

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced a lucrative new plan that will see international trade booming once more. According to the self-titled Larrikin-In-Chief, Mr Morrison is in the process of securing a lucrative deal with a Nigerian Prince who he has a close and personal email connection with. “They picked us specifically! All they need us to hold onto...

Christensen Praised By Coalition For Finally Doing Something That Improves Their Election Chances

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Controversial Nationals MP George Christensen has announced he will not run in the next election, a move that has been praised by the Coalition for improving their chances of actually getting re-elected.  According to a Wikipedia typo, Mr Christensen has been the member for the division of Dawson in Queensland, despite spending 40 weeks in four years in Thailand...

Christensen Quits Politics for Heavyweight Boxing, Calls Out Gallen for A Thrilla in Manila II

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Australia's very own Member for Manilla has sensationally announced he will be walking away from politics to pursue a career in boxing. The maverick borderline conspiracist made the call last night, revealing that he would not re-contest the next election in a bid to kick-start a career throwing hands. "Paul Gallen. Let's dance little man," said the MP...

“Inner City Types Won’t Dictate Carbon Policy” Says PM Who Must Think Rupert Lives In Bourke

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's Prime Minister has come out all guns blazing this week, and laid down a plan for what our future looks like. Not by coming up with any policy utilising the renewable resources we have at our disposal, but by drawing a big strong line in the culture wars sand. Speaking at a Business Council meeting where...

“The Murdoch Media Just Makes Up Lies” Claims Gay Lovers, Kevin Rudd And Malcolm Turnbull

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Former Prime Ministers have joined more than just forces this week as Malcolm Turnbull joins his fellow ex-PM, and live-in lover Kevin Rudd, in a crusade to take down the overbearing Murdoch press. That's according to a report from Sky News and the Australian, who say neighbours of Turnbull and Rudd have been unable to get a decent night’s...

Hot Mess Gladys Awkwardly Overgiggles After Chris Hemsworth Makes A Joke About Mondays

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After a relatively drama free few months, Hot Mess Gladys is back! Everyone's favourite bumbling single Premier has returned to the spotlight after a relatable interaction with a local heartthrob. With all that corruption and pork-barreling stuff slowly fading into the background, Hot Mess has burst back onto the scene after breaking into a bout of giggles whilst...

Monopoly Updated – Get Out Of Jail Free Card Automatically Issued To Australian Politicians

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Popular board game Monopoly will be updated with new, modern Community Chest Cards says manufacturer Hasbro in a recent statement. The game, released in 1935, offers a unique opportunity to show your family how Capitalism can be lucrative and fun or extremely violent, depending on who wins. The Community Chest Cards have been largely unchanged since the game was released,...

Nan Certain None Of This Woulda Happened If We Still Had Tony

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact With accusations of bullying, sexism, coverups, pork-barrelling and hiring a fucking hip hop dance group for the commissioning ceremony of a naval ship, it’s fair to say there’s a bit going on with this current government. Most recently, side-hustle PM Scott Morrison failed to effectively organise a sausage sizzle after showing up with multigrain bread, without sausages, onions or...

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