Politics

Shorten To Remain Undecided On Adani Until He’s In Central QLD And There’s No Cameras Around

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Opposition Leader Bill Bradbury Shorten has today confirmed that when it comes to Adani, he will remain as neutral as the nation of Switzerland, until he's in Central Queensland and no one's around. This admission comes this morning after news broke that it is looking ever more likely that...

Nightwatchman’s Media Team Ban FM Radio Interviews Until This Engadine Maccas Shit Dies Down

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Scott Morrison has been spoon fed some very clear instructions from his media team today. “Nightwatch- I mean, Scott. I can’t stress how important it is for you to not agree to anymore FM radio interviews” pleaded Josie Franks, the head of ScoMo’s media team.  “At...

Christopher Pyne Already Planning Outfit For His ABBA Listening Party

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact High ranking Liberal and prominent South Australian Christopher has today spent the afternoon getting his affairs in order. After a busy morning trying to do his best to prevent the Government from self-destructing as badly as possible, Pyne decided to take the afternoon off to celebrate the big...

Exhilarating Growth Of Parliament House Lawn Distracts Journalists From Shorten Press Conference

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Opposition Leader Bill Shorten has had to use his 'grumpy voice' at a press conference in Canberra today. After receiving no attention for running in and out of Parliament House 3 times in his exercise gear this morning, the man who lists Steven Bradbury as his idol decided...

Bloke Wearing Sleeveless Puffer Jacket Really Impressed By Federal Budget And ScoMo In General

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local early-twenties graduate stockbroker has today called it early that Scott Morrison will win the 2019 Federal Election. While speaking to his uninterested mates about last night's Federal Budget, the high-pitched neoliberal believes last night's budget was very impressive, and so is Scott Morrison, considering what he's been...

Abbott Shows Solidarity With Morrison By Demanding Better Public Toilets At Engadine Maccas

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a rare show of solidarity within Coalition ranks, the Member for Warringah has today thrown his support behind his Prime Minister. Fearing for his seat, and his relevance, Tony Abbott told The Advocate this morning that he fully supports Scott Morrison's demands for better public toilets, at...

Abbott Offers Nightwatchman Budget Tips: “The Punters Love Ballet And Christian Counsellors”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Scott Morrison has today politely ignored former Prime Minister Tony Abbott's tips on how to keep the masses happy in the 2019 Federal Budget. This comes as The Nightwatchman says the coalition, but mostly the Liberal Party, has been working towards the surplus it will deliver in Tuesday's budget...

Nationals MP Visits Struggling Farmer To Deliver Good News That Gina Wants To Buy His Property

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After decades on erratic weather bouncing between crippling drought and devastating flood, embattled farmer Don Kipfler (65) was interested to see what his local MP was going to bring to the table in the first ever visit the property since he was elected in 1984. Don says he's not...

Election Presumed To Be Close As Liberals Begin Promising Things For Poor People

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The nation has received it's strongest indication yet that a federal election is looming. The indication comes after Senior Liberal Senator Arthur Sinodinos took to Q & A last night to radically call for a raise to the Newstart payment. On the eve of...

Greens Volunteer Says He Knows It’s Like Bad To Say This But Immigrants Only Vote Conservatively Because They Aren’t That Well Educated

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Richie Mund (27) a well-known vocal campaigner and son of two career public servants in high-paid and secure bureaucratic positions within either the ABC or the state library, says theres a been a lot of government policy that can be blamed for the current trend of anti-intellectualism in Australian politics.

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