Politics

Dutton’s Eyes Glaze Over With Jealously Watching French Police Bash Protestors

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "It's not fair," he said quietly. "Why is the French government allowed to do that? Why can we be allowed to shoot, gas, bash and imprison people saying mean things about our government?" Peter Dutton reluctantly took time out of his busy afternoon of reading our encrypted WhatsApp group messages to speak to The Advocate -...

Peter Dutton Spends The Night Reading Through All Of The Group Chats He Got Kicked Out Of

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Peter Dutton has turned up at work this morning after a sleepless night. The Minister for Home Affairs didn't manage to drift off because he was kept awake at night by the appalling treatment of offshore detainees, or because of his role in completely and utterly castrating the government, but lay awake through the night because he was reading...

Australia Gasps As Politician Does Something She Promised To Do Before Being Elected

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian voters are in a state of shock today, after Kerryn Phelps MP begins doing something that she was talking about doing before she was elected in early November. The independent Member For Wentworth is leading a push from the growing parliamentary crossbench to evacuate refugee children and sick adults from Manus Island and Nauru. As the former leader...

Morrison: “If We Have A Federal ICAC, What Will Become Of Our Coal Industry?”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has urged his parliamentary colleagues and to a lesser extent, the nation, to consider what would become of the country's coal industry should a Federal Independent Commission Against Corruption (FICAC) be established. Scott Morrison, who spoke to the media this morning out the front of a Southern Sydney Bunnings Warehouse, said that...

Senator Canavan Refuses To Explain Why He Always Looks Like He’s Had A Huge Night On The Piss

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Federal Resources Ministers has informed The Advocate that he would only like to talk about how many jobs the Adani coal mine will create today. This stance from the Queensland Senator came after he was questioned about why he always seems to look like he was three sheets to the wind the night before. "I'm not here to talk about...

‘Leave Politics To The Professionals’ Says Dopey Cunt Who Spent Career As An Italian Citizen

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Federal Resources Minister Matt Canavan has blasted thousands of students involved in nationwide protests today. This comes as huge numbers of school students in cities across the country defied the Prime Minister today and skipped school to protest against the government's stance on climate change. Canavan has slammed the criticism from the nation's school students, telling the kids who...

Greens Hipster All For #MeToo Movement Except When It Involves White-Ant Subordinate Females

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With the resignation of a NSW Labor leader, and whispers surrounding a number of other left wing politicians, as well as the current Geoffrey Rush defamation trial - the nation's inner city elite are now on par with AFL fans as Australia's most staunch apologists for sexual harassment. In fact, so engrained is the culture of sexual entitlement...

Josh Frydenberg Takes Leaf Out Of PM’s Playbook And Asks Nation To Call Him ‘JoFry’

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Federal something of the nation, Josh Frydenberg, opened a joint press conference this morning with the Prime Minister with a plea to the nation to call him by his new nickname. "Call me 'JoFry'," said the 47-year-old. Scott Morrison, the Federal ScoMo of the nation, laughed for the cameras and slapped him on the back. "Nice dude," said Scott. "Ok my dudes,...

Man That Insisted Banking Royal Commission Was Unnecessary Insists Federal ICAC Is Unnecessary

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today moved to assure the country that we aren't in need of a Federal style ICAC at all. The man who previously labelled calls for a Royal Commission into the Banking and Financial Sector a "populist whinge," explained that everything in federal politics is ship shape corruption wise. The PM's comments come after a number...

ScoMo Forced To Buy New Bed For Victorian Liberals Who Shit In Theirs Over Weekend

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact ScoMo, the Prime Minister of Australia, has taken time out of his busy afternoon of sheepishly laughing and creating jobs to visit a Canberra Captain Snooze shop to buy a big new bed for the Victorian Liberals who got up on theirs over the weekend, pulled their britches down and shit on the bare mattress. Witnesses described the scene...

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