Politics

Peter Dutton Urges Australians To Donate More Delicious Blood

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Former Health Minister and professional child frightener Peter Dutton has made a plea to Australian’s everywhere to step up and ‘donate more delicious blood.' Following a stay in hospital due to an incident involving contact with the PM’s crucifix, Dutton states he now understands the importance of a...

ScoMo Concedes Election Campaign Is ‘Pretty Much’ His Gardening Leave

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Nightwatchman Of Australia has all but confirmed that his reelection campaign this year realistically amounts to gardening leave. The term gardening leave means an employee's suspension from work on full pay for the duration of a notice period, typically to prevent them from...

Clive Palmer Concedes Defeat Against IKEA Dining Chair

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A confused and lost Clive Palmer took to social media today to concede defeat against a tricky IKEA dining chair, saying it was an even contest but the Swedish piece was simply too powerful in the end. But the barrel-chested Aries has said he's not...

The Nightwatchman’s Visit To Townsville Rendered Pointless After No One Even Sees Him There

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Scott Morrison's executive decision to fly a private jet to the flood-ravaged North Queensland capital has been described a 'waste of time' by his office, after his poor choice of clothing left him completely invisible to the untrained eye. Aside from a few seasoned AJs from the Townsville barracks,...

Clive Palmer Accidentally Sends Text Message Meant For His Media Advisor To 10 Million People

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Just a day after political candidate Clive Palmer flew to the Menindee Lakes to help clean up the environmental disaster that is the mass fish kill, with a deep fryer and a couple bags of frozen chips - it appears the North Queensland mining magnate is back in the headlines.

Nationals Facing Another Sex Scandal As Canavan Continues To Blatantly Fuck The Barrier Reef

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A tough week just got a lot tougher this morning for the National Party, after another one of its Parliamentarians became embroiled in a sex scandal. In an explosive turn of events, The Betoota Advocate can exclusively reveal today that the Queensland Senator and Federal Resources Minister Matt Canavan has been having an extra-marital affair for the last couple of years. Canavan...

Morrison Asks National Party Rooting Machines To Rein It In Until After Election

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today pleaded with members of the National Party to just ease up with their members for a bit. The nation's blokiest bloke made the call today following the announcement by Andrew Broad that he wouldn't be contesting the next election due to the 'Sugar Bady' scandal. The heartthrob from Mallee who scolded Barnaby for his...

Parliament Now Just A Place For Losers To Get A Little Action

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT While ICAC raids the NSW Labor party headquarters, another federal Coalition frontbencher resigns from politics over using taxpayer money to in his unsuccessful efforts to wine, dine and sixty-nine a woman nearly twenty years his junior - many voters have had to ask themselves - what the fuck do these people even do? With pretty much every proposed...

National Party Say Andrew Broad’s Hypocrisy Is A Private Family Matter

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The National Party have issued a further statement on the Andrew Broad 'Sugar Baby' scandal this morning. Broad (who is married) is currently in hot water after allegedly meeting up with women while on work trips, including a 'Sugar Baby' in Hong Kong. The farmer from Mallee allegedly text the woman saying he knew 'how to fuck his woman' and constantly...

National Party Confirms 007 Pick Up Lines Don’t Work In Real Life

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The National Party has today admitted that James Bond related pick up lines don't work very well in real life. This comes after Nationals MP Andrew Broad resigned from the Morrison Ministry today as a result of 'sex scandal allegations' coming to light. The allegations came to light after a 20-year-old woman called Amy leaked messages and details regarding her...

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