Politics

The Nightwatchman Drops A Yassou While Meeting With Lebanese Community Members

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The nation's Nightwatchman Prime Minister has today greeted some members of the Australian Lebanese community with a Yassou. It's not yet known why the Nightwatchman threw in the Yassou, a multi-purpose term meaning "your health" in Greek and often used by Greek people as a casual greeting.

Shorten Spends Morning Sharpening Up His Speed Skates

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Opposition Leader Bill Bradbury Shorten has today spent the morning sharpening up his tools. The aspiring Prime Minister hoping not to Michael Daley an easy catch and pass try in the corner told The Advocate that it's been a big couple of hours making sure his speed skates are...

Shorten To Remain Undecided On Adani Until He’s In Central QLD And There’s No Cameras Around

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Opposition Leader Bill Bradbury Shorten has today confirmed that when it comes to Adani, he will remain as neutral as the nation of Switzerland, until he's in Central Queensland and no one's around. This admission comes this morning after news broke that it is looking ever more likely that...

Nightwatchman’s Media Team Ban FM Radio Interviews Until This Engadine Maccas Shit Dies Down

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Scott Morrison has been spoon fed some very clear instructions from his media team today. “Nightwatch- I mean, Scott. I can’t stress how important it is for you to not agree to anymore FM radio interviews” pleaded Josie Franks, the head of ScoMo’s media team.  “At...

Christopher Pyne Already Planning Outfit For His ABBA Listening Party

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact High ranking Liberal and prominent South Australian Christopher has today spent the afternoon getting his affairs in order. After a busy morning trying to do his best to prevent the Government from self-destructing as badly as possible, Pyne decided to take the afternoon off to celebrate the big...

Exhilarating Growth Of Parliament House Lawn Distracts Journalists From Shorten Press Conference

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Opposition Leader Bill Shorten has had to use his 'grumpy voice' at a press conference in Canberra today. After receiving no attention for running in and out of Parliament House 3 times in his exercise gear this morning, the man who lists Steven Bradbury as his idol decided...

Bloke Wearing Sleeveless Puffer Jacket Really Impressed By Federal Budget And ScoMo In General

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local early-twenties graduate stockbroker has today called it early that Scott Morrison will win the 2019 Federal Election. While speaking to his uninterested mates about last night's Federal Budget, the high-pitched neoliberal believes last night's budget was very impressive, and so is Scott Morrison, considering what he's been...

Abbott Shows Solidarity With Morrison By Demanding Better Public Toilets At Engadine Maccas

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a rare show of solidarity within Coalition ranks, the Member for Warringah has today thrown his support behind his Prime Minister. Fearing for his seat, and his relevance, Tony Abbott told The Advocate this morning that he fully supports Scott Morrison's demands for better public toilets, at...

Abbott Offers Nightwatchman Budget Tips: “The Punters Love Ballet And Christian Counsellors”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Scott Morrison has today politely ignored former Prime Minister Tony Abbott's tips on how to keep the masses happy in the 2019 Federal Budget. This comes as The Nightwatchman says the coalition, but mostly the Liberal Party, has been working towards the surplus it will deliver in Tuesday's budget...

Nationals MP Visits Struggling Farmer To Deliver Good News That Gina Wants To Buy His Property

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After decades on erratic weather bouncing between crippling drought and devastating flood, embattled farmer Don Kipfler (65) was interested to see what his local MP was going to bring to the table in the first ever visit the property since he was elected in 1984. Don says he's not...

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