Politics

Bill Shorten Asks His PR Team If He Can Go Outside For A Little While

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The Opposition Leader, and nation's number one Big Bang Theory fan Bill Shorten has today asked his staffers if he could please stretch his legs. The leader of the Labor party, who has spent the last 8 days since Parliament wrapped up in isolation, pleaded with his PR...

“It’s Time To Let One In Boys” Says Dutton

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The Home Affairs Minister has made the call today. After a horror few months, and with conservatives reeling after the most senior figure in the Catholic Church is now a convicted paedophile, Dutton decided today was the day Border Force let a boat through.

Male Heavy Liberal Party Candidate List Mistaken For Festival Line Up

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As the country embraces for the upcoming federal election, several media outlets have made the embarrassing blunder of mistaking the male heavy Liberal party candidate list for an Australian festival line up. With women making up 21 of the Coalition’s 96 sitting team members and candidates with...

Julie Bishop Elegantly Jumps To Safety From Jet Boat Full Of C4 Hurtling Towards Gordon Dam

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former Minister For Foreign affairs and perennially overlooked Liberal Party stalwart, Julie Bishop has today been found safe after a very close call in South-West Tasmania's Gordon River. Bishop, the third-option in last year's chaotic Lib-Spill that almost certainly spelled the death of the Coalition Government, was spotted delicately...

ASIO Urges Christensen To Stop Opening Penis Enlargement Pop Ups To Prevent Future Cyberhacks

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Members of Australia's Parliament have been urged to be on high alert this week in the wake of a recent cyber attack that the Prime Minister doesn't seem to give a fuck about. The cyber attack was reported a few days ago, and the nation's cyber security agencies believe...

Tony Burke MP To Step Down From Coaching Role At The Sydney Kings To Focus Solely On Politics

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Federal Labor Member Tony Burke has dropped a bombshell on the Australian basketball fraternity today, announcing his resignation as coach of the Sydney Kings. The MP who played 20 seasons for the Melbourne Tigers and won the NBL's MVP Honour 7 times, told The Advocate exclusively this afternoon that...

Dutton Desperate For A Couple Boats To Justify The $420m Security Contract He Gave To A Mate

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact In some breaking news out of Canberra this morning, Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has confirmed that he'd give anything for a boat right now. This comes after Labor looks set to scrutinise the $420 million dollars in contracts handed over to a company registered to a...

Morrison Alleged To Have Offered Drake Money To Hang Out With Shorten Ahead Of Election

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A source within the Liberal party has today told The Advocate that Prime Minister Scott Morrison is finally seeing the writing on the wall. After months of struggling to come to terms with the fact that Bill Shorten is more popular than him, The Advocate can now exclusively...

Peter Dutton Urges Australians To Donate More Delicious Blood

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Former Health Minister and professional child frightener Peter Dutton has made a plea to Australian’s everywhere to step up and ‘donate more delicious blood.' Following a stay in hospital due to an incident involving contact with the PM’s crucifix, Dutton states he now understands the importance of a...

ScoMo Concedes Election Campaign Is ‘Pretty Much’ His Gardening Leave

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Nightwatchman Of Australia has all but confirmed that his reelection campaign this year realistically amounts to gardening leave. The term gardening leave means an employee's suspension from work on full pay for the duration of a notice period, typically to prevent them from...

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