Politics

Senator Canavan Refuses To Explain Why He Always Looks Like He’s Had A Huge Night On The Piss

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Federal Resources Ministers has informed The Advocate that he would only like to talk about how many jobs the Adani coal mine will create today. This stance from the Queensland Senator came after he was questioned about why he always seems to look like he was three sheets to the wind the night before. "I'm not here to talk about...

‘Leave Politics To The Professionals’ Says Dopey Cunt Who Spent Career As An Italian Citizen

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Federal Resources Minister Matt Canavan has blasted thousands of students involved in nationwide protests today. This comes as huge numbers of school students in cities across the country defied the Prime Minister today and skipped school to protest against the government's stance on climate change. Canavan has slammed the criticism from the nation's school students, telling the kids who...

Greens Hipster All For #MeToo Movement Except When It Involves White-Ant Subordinate Females

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With the resignation of a NSW Labor leader, and whispers surrounding a number of other left wing politicians, as well as the current Geoffrey Rush defamation trial - the nation's inner city elite are now on par with AFL fans as Australia's most staunch apologists for sexual harassment. In fact, so engrained is the culture of sexual entitlement...

Josh Frydenberg Takes Leaf Out Of PM’s Playbook And Asks Nation To Call Him ‘JoFry’

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Federal something of the nation, Josh Frydenberg, opened a joint press conference this morning with the Prime Minister with a plea to the nation to call him by his new nickname. "Call me 'JoFry'," said the 47-year-old. Scott Morrison, the Federal ScoMo of the nation, laughed for the cameras and slapped him on the back. "Nice dude," said Scott. "Ok my dudes,...

Man That Insisted Banking Royal Commission Was Unnecessary Insists Federal ICAC Is Unnecessary

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today moved to assure the country that we aren't in need of a Federal style ICAC at all. The man who previously labelled calls for a Royal Commission into the Banking and Financial Sector a "populist whinge," explained that everything in federal politics is ship shape corruption wise. The PM's comments come after a number...

ScoMo Forced To Buy New Bed For Victorian Liberals Who Shit In Theirs Over Weekend

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact ScoMo, the Prime Minister of Australia, has taken time out of his busy afternoon of sheepishly laughing and creating jobs to visit a Canberra Captain Snooze shop to buy a big new bed for the Victorian Liberals who got up on theirs over the weekend, pulled their britches down and shit on the bare mattress. Witnesses described the scene...

Liberal Party’s Base Found To Be Just These Four Old White People Bickering In Local Cafe

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The previously unseen Liberal Party base has been discovered in a local cafe today. Four Betoota Grove Baby Boomers, who all moonlight as economic, social and environmental handbrakes on our nation, were observed by researchers from the CSIRO bickering in the Steaks de Cheval Cafe in the French Quarter. For the first time in years, according...

“Landslide Loss In Victoria Nothing To Be Concerned About” Says Third PM In Four Years

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Liberal Party's woeful result in the Victorian election indicated that the Morrison government will be torn to piece at next year's federal poll, as a blame game begins within both state and federal party rooms in an attempt to explain how the most uncharismatic man in Australian politics was able to jag another term as Victoria's...

Dutton Furious After Canberra Waitress Accidentally Garnishes His Bald Head With Rosemary

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A Canberra 457-visa worker is at risk of being deported home today, after mistaking the Minister For Home Affairs' bald head for a kiplfer spud side dish. It is believed the member for Dixon was furious after discovering the embarrassing incident wasn't even a joke. "Oh ma gosh!" said the North English backpacker. "Um honest I thought yer head was part...

Turnbull’s Morning Ruined By Facebook ‘On This Day’ Update

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact According to unnamed sources, former Prime Minister and multi-millionaire Malcolm Turnbull, was enjoying his morning of relaxation until receiving a Facebook ‘On this day’ update that reminded him that he used to be Prime Minister. No longer having to pretend he is ‘one of the people’ Malcolm Turnbull was enjoying a glass of Penfolds with his wife Lucy when...

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