Local News

Drop Saw Next Door Harmonises Beautifully With Local Kookaburra An Hour Before Alarm Clock

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The trials and tribulations of living in a leafy suburban Queensland enclave were felt by all on Daroo Crescent in Betoota Grove this morning. Local tradesman, Leo, has had waited until 6:00 am on the dot to fire up his beloved drop saw - as his non-council approved renovations continue to edge further out the backyard. While Leo's neighbours try...

Local Man Enjoys Return To Making Up Bullshit Excuses As To Why He Won’t Be At Training

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Bradley Thomas has revealed to The Advocate that things are truly back to normal for him. The 3rd Grade Betoota Dolphins stalwart said that after coming up with one of his best excuses yet as to why he wouldn't make training. "Yeah I told the...

Back To Normal: Man Watches Coworker Aggressively Consume A Breakfast Kebab At His Desk

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There was a time when Michael Davey walked by a kebab shop at 9am and wondered why it was open. "Who'd want to eat a kebab at this hour," he'd laugh to help as he thumbed forward on this week's How I Built This podcast. As...

“It Hasn’t Hit Me Yet” Insists Mate With Pupils That Look Like A Gulf Of Mexico Oil Spill

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT With lockdowns slowly easing, hordes of young Australians are looking forward to spending hundreds of dollars on overpriced beer, and scoring risky stingers from a stranger in the smoking section, it’s reported. The girls at the 328 Daroo Road household have reportedly been able to tide themselves over by...

Real Estate Agent’s Glowing Description Of Suburb At Odds With Number Of Shopping Trolleys In Creek

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact A local Real Estate agent’s enthusiastic endorsement of the suburb surrounding a newly-available rental house has been called into question after the area was revealed to have a higher than average number of shopping trolleys in the local creek. Betoota Banks, a suburb on the outskirts of the pebblecrete belt,...

Protestors Slam Police Over Use Of Non-Ethically-Sourced Tear Gas

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Anti 5-G protestors have turned on Police again today after allegations the primary supplier of Tear Gas may not be ethically sourcing the ingredients of the non-lethal weapon. “We just don’t have the information we need to make an informed decision about the type of tear gas we...

Regional Voter Shrugs After Receiving This Quarter’s Water Bill From Chinese Government

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Betoota Plains man has revealed to The Advocate a curious piece of correspondence he received this morning. Sitting down to get through a bit of life admin before another day of working from home, Bradley Sample explained that his latest water bill actually came from the Chinese Government.

Alpha Female Holds Intense Eye Contact With Hairdresser In 62 Minute Power Move

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT Gaze detection, of the sense that someone is watching you, is one of those weird phenomena that’s hard to explain. Though some might attribute it to a ‘sixth sense’, many argue that the sheer act of looking at someone you think is looking at you, can cause them to do exactly that....

Heartless Criminal Dies Due To Inability To Pump Blood Around Body

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A robbery attempt on the Betoota General Store & Steroid Dispensary has ended poorly for the would-be criminal last week after he passed away from coronary complications immediately after stealing a charity tin from the store. The charity tin was established to raise money to replace the original charity...

Man Announces Retirement From Dating Scene With Purchase Of Kia Rio

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Local man Martin Scarret has dramatically revealed he is finally giving up on the dating scene for good today by purchasing a used Kia Rio. Kiosk cashier Martin’s already shaky love life was hit hard this year, with a slew of potential Tinder matches kept at bay by COVID-19. In addition,...

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