Local News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT An audible tribute to a happy couple was undercut today as the muso mate performing an original song at a wedding reception has confirmed that this is the present. Musician Ned Smeat (27), stage name Ned Grace, was asked to do a song at his friend’s Jasmine and Lou’s wedding because he’s been to enough bloody things over the...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact Local bloke James Haden has this week had quite the shock after discovering that his girlfriend Lisa not only has an interest in Formula One, but also appears to be quite the expert - including having a very in depth knowledge of drivers Daniel Ricciardo, Carlos Sainsz and Charles Leclerc. It’s alleged James was given this insight when he’d...

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact There’s been a bit of a scene today down in good old Betoota Heights’ notorious South Point shopping centre. The centre’s supermarket, Skinners, had to be sealed off when a bagless shopper went on the run after leaving their full basket at the automated checkout. According to witnesses, the man appeared agitated after realising he’d forgotten to bring his own...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA couple have been told to kindly please shut the fuck up, after telling anything anybody and everybody that they’re rooting like rabbits. It’s alleged Dion and Penny Hill came down hard with a case of the baby rabies, and have collectively decided to suck out all the fun out of having sex by making it a chore i.e...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA local Millennial has had another phone battery drained to shit after wasting another day dodging phone calls from excited boomer journos.  The Australian version of a fabled White Tiger, Millennial homeowners are a rare and mysterious breed who managed to survive against the odds like grass growing within the cracks of asphalt. One such white tiger are Millennial homeowners...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA start-up CEO is ready to add to the maddening noise that surrounds us all by engaging the services of a local advertising agency. Unlike other CEOs, Brian Fetloche (43) has solved a modern problem but actually this time by revolutionising a challenge that millions of people face everyday; the ethics of shaving cream. “Do you guys know how shaving...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAn event so rare that there is not even a name for it took place today as local tradie Trenton Tiosk (38) admitted that today was just medium yakka. ‘Yakka’ comes from the term ‘yaga’, a verb that means ‘work’ in the Turrbal language spoken by the traditional owners and custodians of what is now Brisbane. Usually prefaced by the...

MARIO STRADLATER | Local | Contact After spending her lifetime studying to be a dentist, there was one thing that Sandra Bellingham couldn’t prepare her for.  Early Monday morning, Bellingham (22) – whose recent dating history includes three situationships, all of which ended in soft ghostings – was conducting a routine check-up when she asked her client: “Do you floss?” “I could tell as soon as he...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A local father managed to regain some dignity today after the mechanic couldn’t quite figure out what was wrong with the family car on the first go either. Graham Birken (50) of Betoota Heights awoke to his oldest daughter Lindall (19) asking for help as her car wouldn’t start. “I just wanted to ask if I could use his roadside...

CLYDE ROYAL |Western News| Contact Cut price strangely laid out supermarket Aldi has shaken’ things up in the wake of the reserve bank's recent strings of decisions.  In a recent press release the Aldi CEO Lyle Clernup has announced that $5 notes, or any notes really, will be used instead of a $2 coin to gain access to a trolley.  “You just have to...