Local News

Sober Man Must Choose Between Dehydration Or Asking Passive-Aggressive Bartender To Refill Water Jug

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTLocal man Jesse Doyle (29) found himself in a moral conundrum of e last night. He was faced with the daunting decision of either succumbing to dehydration or braving the wrath of a notoriously passive-aggressive bartender to refill the free water jug. Jesse, who had made the bold choice of simply going to a pub sober, found himself in...

Cosmopolitan Man Of Comfort Explains What He’d Do Differently To Survive In The Alaskan Wild

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTA life long inner city resident that hasn't been to the bush since a high school excursion, Riley Oldham (30) has revealed he reckons he could do a way better job surviving the Alaskan wilderness than those professionals he watches on YouTube all the time. Riley, a city-dweller known for his impeccable taste in craft beer and his aversion...

Talkative African Uber Driver Surprised By The Rapport He’s Built With Young Passengers Chockers On MDMA

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTIn a heartwarming turn of events, a talkative West African Uber driver, Umaru Hasani (37), expressed astonishment at the unexpected bond he formed with a group of young passengers who were, in his own words, "In a very cheerful and positive mood". The young group, who were reportedly intoxicated and under the influence of MDMA, were making their way...

Woman Who Splashed Out On Memory Foam Mattress Now Has Permanent Imprint Of Ex Boyfriend

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactStaring lovingly at the body imprint left on her memory foam mattress, Betoota Heights woman Charlise Keaton, 32, tries to hold back her tears. Had you told her a few months ago that she’d be getting triggered by her mattress, she would have laughed at you.  But there it was, the physical version of those horrendous Facebook memories that only...

Council With Leftover Arts Budget Agree To Install More Random Metal Balls

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactBetoota council members have collectively agreed to invest in some more public art, after coming to the conclusion that the inner city district didn’t have enough confusing sculptures made from scrap metal. It’s alleged this conversation transpired after the youngest council member, 29 year old Dean Wallace, realised that in order for Betoota to finally make it on the...

“They’re Lazy And Stupid People, They Are,” Says Sheep Farmer Of His Repugnant Cattle Farming Neighbour

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local grazier has told The Advocate that he has a dim view of people who simply run cattle, telling our reporter that he finds the practice of grazing cattle exclusively "repugnant." The lower reaches of the Queensland Channel Country are home to the nation's premier cattle-fattening country, while some of the northern parts have...

Grandparents Unanimously Agree Living Room Could Do With Another Loud Ticking Clock

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAn elderly couple have today agreed to add another loud ticking clock to their living room, having decided that having a grandfather clock, quartz clock and a water clock just wasn’t enough, and that they could really do with another reminder that time is passing them by. With a total of twelve clocks in their oversized four bedroom bungalow...

Local Man Whose Cheating Ruined A 20-Year Marriage Repairs Reputation By Getting Extremely Stacked

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A 24-hour gym franchise located next a row of newly-built Townhouses in Betoota Heights has played host to a redemption story these past few months - as an embattled local dad overcomes his personal indiscretions. Once regarded as a selfish grub who had not only fucked up his own life, but also the lives of countless other people who...

Bloke Dating A Girl From Northern England Says Goodbye To His White Sheets

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA bloke who just started dating an English girl has unfortunately had to give up ever having anything pristine white in his apartment, after having both his toilet seats and sheets absolutely decimated by fake tan. Speaking to The Advocate, a frustrated Jason Ellis says his girlfriend’s fake tan addiction is so bad, he doesn’t think he’ll be getting...

Flat Toilet Roll Dispenser Great For Snorting Cocaine And One Million Streams Of E Coli

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA couple of woo girls have this week inadvertently lined their nasal cavities with faecel matter, when an impromptu Thursday night sesh saw them getting on the bags. Lisa Denison and Marly Hobbs, both 26, are alleged to have met up at the Ponds dive bar last night, having both agreed hours beforehand that they 'would not be having...

Social

781,079FansLike
603,780FollowersFollow
119,365FollowersFollow

Breaking News