Local News

Anxious Millennials Killing The Telemarketing Industry By Not Answering Private Numbers

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT In worrying news, millennials are under fire again today for ruining yet another industry. According to some bloke at The Daily Mail, the telemarketing industry has taken a huge hit in the last decade, with many young people choosing to ignore calls from an unknown number.

Friends Of Parents Feign Interest In Child’s Pathetic Foreign Language Skills

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The art of mastering a foreign language is one that takes years of practice and study, and the sound of beautifully spoken French by a bilingual Betootan is a true treat to the ears. However, this evening at a Betoota Ponds house the French being spoken is far...

Spotify Yearly Wrap Up Reveals Local Woman Could Probably Expand Her Horizons A Bit

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | CONTACT As the end of 2019 draws near it brings with it Spotify’s yearly wrap up of what its listeners have been streaming.  Like everyone who listens to music, local woman Jessie Griffiths likes to think she’s a bit of an expert and that her music taste is better...

Reasonably Quiet Colleague’s Parkway Drive Shirt Provides Context To Random Array Of Bruises

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Local Sales and Marketing Brand Advisor Luke Pawsey is feeling a little under the weather today it can be confirmed. This comes after the sheepish, reasonably reserved local man rolled into work looking like he'd been jumped down a dark alley in London. "You...

Year 12 Pranksters Hit By Increasing Cost of Fuel

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT As blame continues to be passed around for the comparative lack of newsworthy pranks pulled by the outgoing classes of 2019, some experts claim the root of the problem can be traced to fuel prices. American Comedy icon Jo Koy joins the editors on the podcast this week before he...

Teacher Carrying On Like He’s Not About To Put His Trotters Up For Six Weeks

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | CONTACT If you think your job is stressful, then according to Taylor Price you don’t even want to know how hard it is to control the K2 class at Betoota Heights Primary School. American Comedy icon Jo Koy joins the editors on the podcast this week before he begins the Australian...

Aspiring Prime Minister Receives His Mandatory Rhodes Scholarship Out Of A Cereal Box

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young Liberal has today received the glowing tick of approval he's dreamed about all his life. After a tough upbringing in the leafy suburb of Sydney, the young full-time Commerce/Law student has this morning woken up to the news that all of his hard work has paid...

Office Christmas Party Great Chance To Meet Employees From Other Departments, Especially HR

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT As the work Christmas party gets tantalisingly closer, millions of Australian workers are eagerly anticipating the chance to find out how many free beers and house wines they can consume before being escorted into the carpark of the local bistro. However, the work Christmas party can also be...

Squizzy Taylor Claims He Shared A Room At Oxford With Stephen Hawking

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In another blow for the embattled Energy Minister who doesn't believe in Climate Change, Angus 'Squizzy' Taylor has today been called out for another dodgy claim. Following in the footsteps of Melbourne underworld figure Joseph 'Squizzy' Taylor, Angus has added another chapter to his career that will later...

Function Waiter Silently Judges Woman Coming Back For Fourth Arancini Ball

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local function waiter, Jess Childs, has today revealed that she does, in fact, judge people for helping themselves to multiple rounds of finger food. Jess says that she was particularly perturbed by one recent incident, where a woman gorged herself silly on Arancini balls after having a...

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