Local News

Packed Social Calendar Sees Woman Scheduling Virus Somewhere Between Hottest 100 And Upcoming Birthday

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT With catching omicron seemingly now an inevitable fate for anyone who ventures outside their home, many are left waiting for the shoe to drop at any moment - which is both anxiety inducing and terrible for the social calendar. But one woman who refuses to have her plans derailed yet again is Betoota Heights local Olivia Tinning, who’s now...

Bass Player Insists They Can Play The Real Guitar Too So Shut Up

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT A bass player has today had to defend themselves yet again for copping some flack for choosing to play bass. It’s alleged Benny Porter had gone out to a local dive bar after one of his gigs and had enjoyed himself as he slung back pickle backs and talked shit with the band members, who he'd come to...

Independent Study Finds Nu-Metal Still Goes Fuckin Hard After 8 Beers

COL DUNCAN | Local | CONTACT According to the undeniable findings of a new independent study, researchers have concluded that Nu-Metal still goes fuckin hard after 8 beers. The report was commissioned by a conglomerate of local Nu-Metal loyalists from deep within the suburban fringe of Betoota. Local Betoota Heights man Sean Petrole (33) has been thrilled with the findings. “To be honest, the study was conducted...

Chips On The Beach Quickly Vetoed In Favour Of Watching Dad Get Pissed On Scotch

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT On paper, Christmas is that time of year where families have their hallmark moment, eating great food, pulling crackers and exchanging thoughtful gifts. But for many families in the suburbs, Christmas is that time of year where family members who haven’t seen each other in months are forced to make small talk, and grimace at grandad’s shit jokes he’s...

Husband Immediately Shushed After Trying To Offer Input On Interior Design Of His Own Home

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT A Betoota Heights man has today been silenced after trying to offer some thoughts on how his home should be decorated, it's reported. It's alleged Tom Pritchard had come home one Saturday afternoon to find that his Ikea coffee table had been replaced with a sleek, walnut one - not that he noticed, but his wife Janine pointed...

Report: Every Current Popstar Now Younger Than You

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In sad news for anyone in their mid-thirties, it has been confirmed that any current popstar who is in any way considered cool is definitely younger than you, you old fart you. Taking a brief break from watching her body slowly start to betray them, mid-thirties Betootan Emma Ford (35) watched half an hour of the latest hits on...

Australian Cocaine Addict Must Have Really Done A Lot Of The Shit

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Betoota CBD stock broker Linas Courtauld (31) has taken the first positive step in his life and admitted he is struggling with addiction.  Courtauld shared the news with his close friends over the weekend, who assumed the professional piss-cutting-legend might be talking about alcohol, gambling or even porn. However, their faces were whiter than Courtauld’s right nostril on a Sunday...

Free Spirit Colleague Somehow Manages to Drop Burning Man into Unrelated Conversation at Office Christmas Party

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT In breaking news, a one-time Burning Man attendee has magically managed to name drop her desert rave experience into an unrelated conversation at a work Christmas party this afternoon. It’s believed eyebrows rolled as far as Birdsville, as a group of colleagues at Betoota’s premier PR Agency ‘SodaPop Republic’ tried in vain to enjoy some casual work...

Local Woman Spends A Little Too Much Time Wondering What Picture Would Be Used If She Went Missing

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT Local woman Emma Shields was fifteen minutes into watching ‘The Quiet Place’ with her boyfriend, Paul when she decided to switch it to something less scary. Despite knowing that the chances of her running into a sound sensitive monster were quite low, Emma felt much safer watching a documentary about unsolved crimes. “I’m not weird or anything, I...

P-Plater Forced To Replace Brake Pads After Squealing Gets Louder Than Stereo

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A local P-Plater has been forced to actually have his brake pads replaced after the sound of the front discs being slowly destroyed became louder than the stereo. “My brakes got noisy one day but it was all good; I just cranked the system. Problem solved!” explained Betoota Vale resident Brayden Shambles. “But it kept getting louder, hey. I just kept turning the volume...

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