Local News

‘Thanks Albo’ Says Millennial Enjoying First Guilt-Free Smashed Av In Ten Years

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAfter nine years of being blamed for the subpar wealth and asset management of upper class men several generations their elder, local Millennial Issy Brennan (30) popped down to their local cafe today to toast to Albo with a toast and avo. Brennan is one of a generation of young people who are unable to purchase a home of...

New Superhero Action Series To Feature A Champion Who Never Forgets His Keep Cup

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Look out TV fans, there could be an exciting new superhero on your screens this month!  Not one with a special power to shoot spiderweb everywhere, or a man holding a hammer that’s outrageously powerful for some reason; but a man with an incredible ability to always have a clean keep cup on him.  Known as the ‘Moral Crusader’, the...

“Practice Today Without Judgement” Says Very Judgy Yoga Instructor

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTOne of Betoota’s most spiritually centred individuals has offered some helpful advice this morning, telling her yoga class to ‘practice without judgement’. Gliding gracefully between rows of panting students, who are far less flexible than she is, 29-year-old yogi Willow Moon-Blossom is believed to have carried herself with the superiority of an instructor that hasn’t eaten a...

Local Woman Scrolls Through Former School Mate’s Instagram To Work Out When She Got Those Bolt Ons

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLying awake at exactly 12:36 am, Amber Kennedy finds herself with the overwhelming urge to stalk her former classmates. An urge that, if she’s being honest, does not come from a nice place. No, she wants the dirt - who married a wanker, who never left their hometown, and which dux kid failed to live up to their potential. God, she...

Woman Lets Out A Demonic Cackle After Rubbing Her Ice Cold Feet Against Hubby In Bed

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA sadistic woman has this week taken delight in torturing her husband, using her feet as the weapon of choice. It’s alleged Clara Driver was having a hard time with the cold weather, which she made sure to let everyone know about by shrieking “IT’S FUCKING COLD”, at any given opportunity. Residing in a terrace house with her husband...

Couple In A Long Term Relationship Excitedly Catch Up With Single Mate To Hear Her Latest Hoe Story

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIf local couple James and Harper weren’t so goddamn lovely, you’d probably resent them a little bit. A rare breed, the pair met when they were just eighteen years old, and have managed to keep the love strong ten years later - often still seen gazing at each other with the adoration usually reserved for that honeymoon glow. Of course,...

Boyfriend Misses The Memo About Bottomless Brunch

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA bloke from Perth has seriously misunderstood the meaning of a bottomless brunch this weekend, but has chosen to forge ahead without asking any questions. This comes as no surprise seeing he and his mates are known to drop their dacks to Daddy Cool’s ‘Eagle Rock’, which is yet another strange Australian tradition with contested origins (some say the...

Local Girl Has Flashbacks To Nightclubbing With Drug Dealer Ex After Stumbling Into Culture Kings

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs she attempted to shield her eyes from the pulsating lights, local woman Charlie Sanders was instantly transported back to her days of being a pinger rat at Prohibition. Not because a disinterested twenty something girl has asked her to pay $20 for entry, but due to the sheer sensory overload and feeling of disorientation.  It’s alleged Charlie had been...

Inner-City White Boy Amps Up For Mid-Week Indoor Volleyball Clash With New Kendrick Lamar Album

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT One of Betoota Grove’s most ruthless indoor volleyball talents is getting in the zone this afternoon, amping up to the sounds of the latest Kendrick Lamar album. Local Junior Taxation Accountant Hugo Withers is getting ready to strut out of the downtown Betoota KPMG office in a race to make a 6pm tip-off at the Betoota Ponds...

Liberals Convene To Discuss Whether Making 51% Of Population Feel Like Shit Is A Bad Strategy

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the fallout from Saturday night's horror election loss continues, the Liberal Party of Australia has come together to try and make sense of it all. With the blue ribbon party expected to lose at least 20 seats across the nation, the blokes in charge of the organisation have convened to try and figure out where it all...

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