Local News

Man Drinking Double Grapefruit Infused Hazy Malt IPA Turns His Nose Up At Girlfriend’s Seltzer

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A trendy local office worker has offered himself up as a source of momentary amusement today.  The man who prides himself on not being just another square, did so a short time ago by drawing an interesting line in the sand.  Enjoying a little mask free outdoor gathering as is the norm here in Queensland, Brett Thomas had made a...

Local Kid Completes Day Three of Stakeout Waiting For Sibling To Hit Them Back

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Local child Ryan Fielding has done fucked up. He thought it’d be funny to hit his older brother Nathan. And it was funny, only Nathan is not only a sadist but an expert in psychological warfare. It’s alleged Ryan had given Nathan a playful smack while he was sleeping, but was said to have displayed an expression of instant regret...

Type-1 Diabetic Urges People Not To Lump His Superior Kind In With The Unwashed Type-2s

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular local tradesman with a largely inconvenient auto-immune condition has made it clear to some new friends last night that he was born with Type-1 diabetes - and that he feels a mild superiority over those with the Type-2 variety. Darcy Carmichael, of Longview Road in Betoota Heights, was observed last night in the...

Bold Plan To Write More Neatly Abandoned Just Three Pages Into New Notepad

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Local woman Ayla Wilson is ready to turn a new leaf and become that neat person she’s always wanted to be. As someone who looked perpetually scruffy, Ayla longed to be one of those people that always looks clean, without a single hair out of place or scuffed, uneven nails. This commitment to being a better version of herself has...

Husband Returns Backrub At 20% Effort

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT After a long, tedious day at work, sometimes it’s nice to relax a little with a glass of wine and an impromptu massage. For a local Betoota Heights couple, May Turner and James Tippet, this should have been an ideal opportunity to bond with some physical touch and a segue to sexy time. But unfortunately, James’s lack of effort...

Bloke Who Just Got Released After 8 Year Stint Says These Gambling Ads Are Fucking Criminal

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Breathing fresh air for the first time in eight years, recently ex-convict Col Tooth (44) states he is adjusting to life on the outside, even if the gambling ads are a bit much. A punter himself, former councilor Tooth spent eight years inside after redirecting public funds to pay his gambling debts during an election year.  After being released two...

JB Hi-Fi Celebrates Hiring First Employee To Not Have Spacer Earrings In Their 47-Year History

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Electronics retailer JB Hi-Fi has this week celebrated a surprise milestone during the pandemic, with the revelations that their Betoota Heights franchise has unwittingly hired the first employee in the company's history to not have gaping spacers in his ears. "This was a first for us" says Glenn Colmslie, general manager of the Betoota Heights store. "I didn't even...

Office Boomer Says You Can Pry The USBs From His Cold Dead Hands Before He Uses Cloud Technology

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Old mate Richard Evans is bloody sick of all this talk about converting to cloud technology. Not because he doesn’t understand how it works, but because it’s not to be trusted. At least, that’s what he says, anyway. As the oldest person in the office, you’d think that he’d be keen to keep up with evolving technology to match...

Local Girl Scrolls Through 6 Month Old Messages To Analyse Trajectory Of Failed Relationship

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT When it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes well-adjusted people can act a little crazy. One such person is local woman Sheree Tubbs, who’s found herself indulging in a sadistic ritual of habitually going scrolling through six months worth’s of text messages to pinpoint the exact moment her ex lost his feelings. Though she suspected it was just a...

Horror As Local Woman Forgets To View Ex’s New Girlfriend’s Instagram Story Through Fake Burner Account

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Feeling that all familiar stab of fear at the pit of her stomach, local woman Tayla Fields glances at her Instagram profile icon a second too late. She’s committed the number one cardinal sin of Instagram stalking – forgetting to use her burner account under the fake name ‘Joshwaters67.’ Tayla is reported to have created the account roughly one month...

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