Local News

“This Shouldn’t Be Number 1,” Says Moustache Attached To Man

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As the triple j Hottest 100 music countdown continues to break records for voter numbers, listeners all across Australia tuned in today to hear the democratically selected best songs of 2019. While the lighthearted music countdown may be the most democratic process taking place in the nation, a local...

Mini Water Cooler Bottle Decent Indication Bloke On-Site Takes Some Hectic Supplements

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local chippy has all but confirmed that he purchases prohibited supplements on his job site today. Sitting down for a late lunch with a couple of other blokes, Brixen Watts did so by revealing his new miniature water cooler. The water bottles are...

Horror As Cousin’s Weird Boyfriend Follows Up Empty Promise Of A Beer Made Over Christmas

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Andy McMillan has felt a wave of panic set over him this evening after receiving a message alert from his cousin’s weird, cider drinking boyfriend. Andy tells our reporter, who happened to be at the scene, that over Christmas he was just trying to be polite when he suggested...

Child Upset By Back To School Commercial Is Going To Hate This Thing Called ‘Work’

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Although continuing until the tail end of January, school holidays have been cut short once again thanks to stationery suppliers going live with a premature ‘Back to School’ ad campaign.  Although continuing until the tail end of January, school holidays have been cut short once again thanks to stationery...

Quiet Australian Reveals Loud, Casually-Racist Online Alter Ego

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local man Chris Thorpe is a quiet, small business owner who generally doesn’t get phased by too much. From all reports in the Old Town community, Chris is a quiet guy. However, it has recently come to the attention of The Advocate that Chris’s...

Over-The-Top Bartender Casually Fires Up A Blowtorch

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local mixologist has just put on a show down at the Betoota Heights Imperial it can be confirmed. The arts graduate (majoring in French Studies) from the University Of Betoota named Hugo Wren did so when serving up a couple of patrons some of 'the most epic...

Broke As Shit Thirty-Something Wonders If Mum Held Onto His Holographic Charizard

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A financially reckless but relatively content local man has experienced a few heart palpitations today. The cause for concern arose during his lunch break when he realised he wasn't sure where one of his most valuable possessions was. Immediately stepping outside the office of...

Bathroom Scales Develop Negative Aura With Each Passing Day Of Summer

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As Australians force themselves to enjoy a season of beer drinking weather, sleepless nights and fucking catastrophic natural disasters, many have turned to a life of excessive food and alcohol consumption.  While it has long since been known this behaviour isn't the worst thing, there has been a sharp...

Local Legend Says He’s Already Got An Amnesty Bin, In His Mouth Haha

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The NSW governments most recent measure to minimise the harm of drug use at festivals has not only outraged proponents of pill testing, but it has actually had the reverse effect on one MDMA user who says he’s already got something that serves the same purpose as the Amnesty bins. “Haha,...

Family Bonds Over Some Holiday Inspired Gambling Activities

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT The notoriously dysfunctional Shipper household has had a hard time coming together this Christmas, despite the best efforts of the house matriarch, Liz Kent.  The forced relations struggled to find anything in common other than their shared bloodline, and have so far resorted to sullenly eating their ham and...

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