Local News

‘Should We Lift Off’ Asks Bloke Who Forgot He’s Out With His Work Mates And Not His Usual Crew

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT A bloke has tonight made the mortal mistake of forgetting he's out with the work crew and not his usual derelict mates, it's reported. Mike Eastes is alleged to have knocked back a few Friday afternoon bevvies with some of his teammates, who were all keen for a beer after a week of annoying people on LinkedIn, a.k.a...

Arrival Of Small Town Show Inspires Local Dad To Buy New Bike Locks

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local Dad is rushing to head to the shops this morning, after learning the Royal Betoota Show is about to arrive in town.  Interrupted from his slow morning flicking through the printed pages of this very masthead, local father of three, Craig Philpott (53), appeared anxious to shoot down to the local hardware store. “Guys I’ve gotta...

Warhammer Nerd From School Unveils New Personality As A Suburban Powerlifter

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT An unassuming high school nerd has debuted a bold brand refresh this week, announcing to the social mediasphere that he now lifts heavy things.  And lifts them loudly. The Advocate understands that at approximately 6:58pm, veteran nerd and EG Games manager Jacob Kelvin, posted a video onto Facebook showcasing his ability to perform a rather heavy gym maneuver.  Sporting...

Moving Fiddle Leaf Fig One Centimetre Kickstarts Rapid And Unstoppable Descent Into Death

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle| CONTACT A Betoota Grove couple have today learnt the hard way that fiddle leaf figs are impossible to please and should only be left to the most passionate green thumbs. It’s alleged Claire and Deon Wright were walking through a strip of stores in the French Quarter, when they stumbled upon some pot plants spilling out of a new boutique...

Greyhound Driver Hits Intercom To Tell Surprisingly Interesting Yarn About This Stretch Of Highway

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle| CONTACT A greyhound driver has today held an entire bus captive to his random musings, including some very interesting education about the highway. It’s alleged passengers boarding the bus from Brisbane to Toowoomba had expected a quiet trip, where they could spend two hours looking out the window and slowly watching the sparse city transform into luscious greenery, and weird...

Man Orders Some Anti-Ageing Cream After Stepping Into Nightclub For 1st Time Since Pandemic

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man is grappling with his mortality today, after ending up in a rather uncomfortable situation last night.  Betoota Heights local Robert Blinken explained that he’s coming to terms with his age following a little venture into a Roma Hills nightclub called the ‘Cold Press.’  “Fuck I feel old,” sighed the 29-year-old man this morning.  “The stinging headache and vodka...

Aunty Finds It Hilarious That Hubby Isn’t Capable Of Basic Prerequisites Of Fatherhood

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT As she works her way through a pile of dishes that appear to have been lightly doused in water, a humorous Linda Spencer jokes that if she wants something done right, she’ll have to do it herself. Though this statement may seem innocuous enough, the Betoota Heights local is allegedly no stranger to picking up the slack and is...

‘Sorry About The Mess’ Says Friend Referring To Single Piece Of Lint On Car Floor

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A Brisbane local has today apologised for being a disgusting pig, after picking up her mate in a car that didn’t look like it came from a showroom. It’s alleged Janice Hobson had agreed to be a driver in exchange for petrol money and a ride buddy, for what should be a fun girls trip to the coast. This...

Guitar Shop Now Accepting “Free Exposure From Playing At Cousin’s Wedding” As A Form Of Payment

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With the cryptocurrencies now entering the mainstream, a vast number of Australian retailers are now accepting forms of payment that are neither plastic or paper. Luxury car dealerships, travel agencies, and sporting franchises are all lining up to barter with computer money instead of the old fashion Australian dollar. However, it would seem that cryptocurrencies aren't the only form of...

Hometown Facebook Drama Spicy Enough For Girl Who Moved To City Years Ago To Make Some Calls

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A former country girl turned city professional is glued to her phone today, taking voyeuristic pleasure in witnessing some seriously spicy hometown drama unfold on Facebook. Despite spending the last six years living in the city with no intention of ever moving back to the quaint town she once called home, 25-year old Paralegal Caitlin Andrews...

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