Local News

Woman Who Envisaged A Stylish Coat Winter Still Rocking The Half Fucked Puffer From 4 Winters Ago

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Queensland expat who promised herself she’d finally become one of those stylish coat wearing women you see on Pinterest has this week conceded defeat, by going back to her faithful puffer jacket, which is by far, the warmest item of clothing she owns. Despite having bought a series of well fitted blazers, jackets and a Penny Lane style...

Elderly Man Served ‘Lukewarm’ Skim Cappuccino Lodges Human Rights Complaint

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter resident has asked the Australian Human Rights Commission to force a local cafe to apologise for serving him a tepid coffee, claiming it's discriminatory against the elderly. The complaint centres on the barista at the Pisse Dans Ma Poche Cafe on Rue de Branlette acknowledging that Raymond Baker, an 83-year-old retiree, ordered...

Local Woman Returns Home To Smouldering Ashes Of Home After Convincing Self She Turned Off Straightener

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local woman returned home yesterday to find her share house reduced to smouldering ashes after mistakenly believing she had turned off her hair straightener before leaving for work. Kennedy McGregor, 27, a social media marketing executive, left for work in the morning confident that she had switched off the device. "I was sure I...

Woman Bragging About Doing Ayahuasca Could’ve Vomited And Shat Herself In Bali For Half The Price

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA French Quarter woman bragging about the merits of doing ayahuasca ceremony in Costa Rica has been informed that it’s actually possible to ‘cleanse’ one’s demons (bowels) for half the price, by simply drinking some tap water in Bali. Anita Hobbs, 28, is alleged to have been heard singing the praises of her recent trip abroad, which involved forking...

Amateur DJ And Underground Soundcloud Enthusiast Pleads For Friends To ‘Wait For The Drop’ When Handed AUX Cord

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTWAIT FOR THE DROP: Pleads Molly, Betoota’s amateur DJ and underground banger enthusiast as she locked eyes with her friends, hoping to see a glimmer of approval for the unheard-of track she's just unleashed upon them. Wearing her wealth of banger knowledge as a badge of honour, Molly enjoys nothing more then to strike up a conversation about...

“I Could Plan My Own Wedding” Says Bloke Still Writing On Gift Cards In Ubers

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACT A local porkchop is being accused of absolute dribble this afternoon as he prepares to launch himself into a lavish wedding.On route in an Uber to Little Trotters Winery, friend of the groom Hayden Denman (29) has told a car load of mates that he thinks weddings aren’t that difficult to organise, and that he could...

Local Bloke Feels Like He’s Discovered A Cheat Code After Going To A German Club For The First Time

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke has found himself asking why the fuck he’d never heard of a German Club before, after having a chicken schnitzel the size of a chihuahua for dinner last night for just $28, in Betoota Ponds. Speaking to The Advocate, Nick Brown, 29, says he feels like he’s stumbled upon some kind of cheat code to the...

Touch Footy Veteran Has Existential Crisis After Being Stepped By Kid That Wasn’t Alive For ’05 Benji

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTA local man is having a bit of moment this afternoon after realising he’s no longer the young gun touch player he was in his teens.Having grown up playing footy in the mid-2000’s, Shaun Prince (30) enjoyed a glittering early athletic career which took him to a variety of touch footy carnivals across Queensland playing for...

Div 4 Winger Swan Diving Under The Posts Unaware Oval Is 80% Labrador Shit

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTA reserve grade winger is expected to be on jumper wash duties this weekend, after his gratuitous attempt at showboating saw him put an unforgivable stain on his club jersey. With scores locked at 12-all, a last minute intercept try by Rhys Sailor saw the Betoota Muttaburrasaurus edge out the Windorah Windmills over the weekend, in a...

Cost Of Living Forces Local Banker To Take Kids To Timezone Instead Of Thredbo

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTIn tragic news for one of Betoota’s high tax bracket battlers, a yearly trip to the Australian snowfields has been called off. The Advocate understands Martin Smiggens-Smith, an investment banker from Betoota Grove, has had to break the news to his three private school educated children this morning, who were devastated to learn they won’t be heading...

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