Local News

Christian School Introduces ‘No Gender, No Play’ Rule

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With Scott Morrison now locked in as Prime Minister until the Libspill pencilled in for 2021, a local Christian school has felt empowered to introduce a controversial ‘No Gender, No Play’ rule during lunchtime. Saint Augustine of Damascus Primary School implemented the playground rule in an effort to...

Vague Commitment To Go To The Gym This Week Justifies Mid Arvo Servo Snack

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Meandering through Betoota’s peak hour afternoon traffic, Thomas Pooley was left facing quite a conundrum this afternoon. After a hedonistic weekend where he polluted his body like a giant Indian resources company let loose in the Galilee basin, the Engineer from our town’s Heights district said he’s feeling a...

Local Woman Gets Jealous Of Friend’s Upcoming Wedding And Posts Throwback To Her Special Day

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Anita Cruz has shown her worst side today after attempting to steal the thunder of her best friend’s upcoming wedding. Not one to shy away from attention, Anita the little psychopath uploaded yet another throwback album to her special day, which was over a year ago. 

Meet The Young Parents Who Halved Their Family’s Sugar Intake By Learning How To Read

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact In breaking news, The Advocate has found a family who’ve managed to halve their sugar intake without spending thousands on a nutritionist or a dietician. Excitingly, Beverley Arthur, mother of Jake, Tyson and Emeelee, says that it’s something anyone can do. “You won’t believe it,...

Ex-Smoker Experiences Wave Of Nostalgia Walking Past Ventilation Shutters Of Local Pokie Den

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Damien (Damo) Molloy took a deep and considered breath through his nose this morning as he walked past the ventilation shutters of the pokie den at the Betoota Imperial Hotel. This goes against the grain of every other passer-by, who are usually seen holding their breath.

Report: Eccentric Loudmouth Walking Down Plane Aisle Coming Straight For Seat Next To You

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local atheist has found herself this afternoon praying to god that the man making his way down the aeroplane aisle, isn’t coming for the spare seat next to her. “God, please no!” Anne Small thought to herself, or maybe she said it out aloud, she can’t be sure.

Neighbour’s Glorious AU Wagon Looks Like It’s Come Straight Off The Set Of Blue Heelers

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A new neighbour's choice in vehicle has immediately nullified his need for a personality, after being seen unloading boxes out the boot of a 1998 Au Falcon wagon. The silver steed, which looks like it's been very bloody well looked after, has already launched 'Brad' into legend status, regardless...

Local Man Attempts To Mask Rampant Weight Gain With Strong Goatee

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local man Steve Hooper came to a confronting realisation this morning after his attempts at hiding his rampant weight gain have failed. For the past two months, Steve has been desperately trying to hide his ever-tubbing face with facial hair, however, his poor genetics let him down there...

Local Woman Transitions Into Late 30s By Making LinkedIn Her Social Media Platform Of Choice

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Former young woman, Beth Smith, has today begun her transition into being old by doing away with youthful social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook, and instead opting for LinkedIn, the online CV site that has somehow become Facebook for ageing professionals. It’s believed Beth wasn’t even aware that...

Local Woman’s Card Blocked After Suspicious Non-Coffee Or Afterpay Related Spending

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local woman’s bank has stepped in today and put a block on her debit card for fear of it being scammed by someone from West Betoota. However, The Advocate can confirm that Penny Oneill’s card was not stolen or scammed but being used recklessly by Penny herself.

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