Local News

Long Haired White Guys Detest Unoriginality Of Any Music Made By Long Haired White Guys

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A group of guys who look like they could be in Ocean Alley, or like a little brother version of Tame Impala, aren't really into all that. Local heart-throbs Joel, Jay, Ollie and Jordie (all 22) carry themselves like a bunch of young blokes that were raised in a...

Dad’s Eyes Light Up At Opportunity To Nail A Reverse Perpendicular Park

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact In some breaking news out of our town's Old City District, a local father of 3 just got that look in his eye. The incident occurred just moments ago when Tony Gregson was in the middle of a run of the mill trip down to the shops.

Table Tennis Ruined By Mate Who Actually Knows How To Play

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact A group of adult friends spending a weekend down the coast were delighted to discover the garage area featured a functioning ping pong table until a party member revealed that he actually knows how to play. After suggestions of beer pong from the more idiotic party members were rebuked,...

Bloke Without Rampant Alcohol Problem Somehow Good At Darts

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local mechanic, Andrew Miles has today confused fellow patrons of the Betoota Heights Tavern after cleaning up several games of darts on only 4.5 standard drinks. Despite not having a big gut and cigarette-yellowed fingers, the 26-year-old has bucked the the stereotype that usually applied to people who are...

Local Couple Clash Over What Constitutes A ‘Serving Size’

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local couple embarking on a joint weight loss journey have butted heads this evening while serving up an uninspiring, but diet approved, dessert. The clash came after the man attempted to add three extra spoonful’s of natural yoghurt to his sad array of fruit.

Friends Eagerly Await End Of Breakup Cooling Off Period So They Can Begin Slagging Ex-Boyfriend

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Time appears to have slowed down for a group of friends today after yet another day of uncertainty around their recently single friend has passed. The friends are reportedly treading on eggshells around the woman, unsure of whether or not it’s safe to start slagging her ex.

Herbal Tea Found To Be A Gateway To Crystals, Oils And Anti-Vaxxing

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact A disturbing report by the CSIRO has confirmed that herbal tea is a gateway into other alternative remedies such as crystals, essential oils and not vacinating your kids. The long-term study followed the lives of average Australians and found a staggering 33% of herbal tea drinkers ended up abusing...

Suburban Mayor Breaks The Mould By Not Being Directly Related To Any Residential Developers

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a refreshing change for the rate-payers in Betoota's light industrial Flight Path District, newly elected mayor Keeley Uebergang (56) appears to only represent the interests of those who voted for her. This comes after the Queensland Crime and Corruption Commission (CCC) decided to vet the local councillor, just...

Rental Car Cops A Big Dirty Tank Of E10

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A soon-to-be returned rental car has today been exposed to a much cheaper 10% ethanol blend, in what local mechanics describe as a callous act of auto-vandalism. Kylie Lee (36), a transient motorist only visiting town for a couple of days told our reporters that she spent several minutes...

Man Wonders What He Did Wrong After Chinese Takeaway Arrives Without Bonus Prawn Crackers

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Takeaway orderer Fergus Bromwich (34) is wondering what in the world he has done wrong after his Chinese food arrived without any bonus prawn crackers. At approximately 6:30 pm, Bromwich decided to celebrate the weekend by having a few beers and eating dinner in front of the TV by...

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