Local News

Therapist Quite Certain She Doesn’t Want To Be In A BeReal Post

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA boundary will remain uncrossed today as a Betootan therapist made it quite clear to one of her clients that she really doesn’t want to be in a BeReal post. BeReal is a newish social media app that gives out two randomly timed alerts during the day that require users to promptly upload a photo that shows...

Gym Rat Takes Down Juicy Thirst Trap After Comment From Supportive Aunty

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTOne of Betoota’s most vascular blokes is conducting some social media hygiene this evening, after a post-workout photoshoot went wrong. After a 90-minute session pumping iron at the Anytime Fitness in Betoota Ponds, local gym rat Jackson Martyn is believed to have taken a few thirsty snaps of his muscular frame, in an effort to acquire some...

Coastie Dad Attempts To Undo Years of Disney Brainwashing By Introducing Pre-Teen Son to Parkway Drive

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA coastal Dad is winding back the clock this afternoon and introducing his 12-year-old son to the sounds of Australian metalcore. Growing up on the mid-north coast of NSW during the early 2000’s, local dad Brett Gordon is one of the lucky Australians to have lived and breathed the first big wave of coastal hardcore. Coming of age...

Mum Teaches Kids About Conflict Resolution By Saying Nothing And Icing Out Entire Family

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTLocal children have learnt skills for life today as the family matriarch gave them a lesson in conflict resolution. After cleaning the kitchen without help for the 3000th night in a row, mother Patricia Webb (48) finally expressed to her family that she was cross with them by ignoring them entirely. It is now three days into Webb’s cold war...

Absolute Morons Have Wedding During Finals Footy

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTSeptember is an important time for the wedding and Australian football industry alike although the two are yet to share a common interest. Like all Millennials paying the wedding tax, Landon and Em had to reschedule their special day to spring 2022 after a registry office back-up plan was denied by the Bank of Mum & Dad. However, with their...

Report: Contrary To What Your Hilarious Housemate Reckons, The Missing TV Remote Actually Isn’t Up Your Arse

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLetting out a frustrated sigh, local bloke Mitch Fields curses whatever cunt decided to make the Apple TV remote so fucking small. Not only can he not find it, but he estimates this is probably the third time this week that he’s lost the bloody thing, and it doesn’t appear to be in its usual hiding place either (wedged...

Nan Reveals She’s Totally Prepared For Cost Of Living Crisis After Decades Of Black And Gold

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In an era where inflation has somehow become a competitive sport, some Australians are well prepared for the Cost of Living Crisis aka The New Normal. One prepared Australian is local nana Miriam Murphy (84) who has saved up a literal fortune after decades of only buying Black and Gold supermarket items. With the exception of Imperial Leather soap, Murphy...

Local Woman Cuts To The Chase And Dunks Dressing Gown Ties Straight Into The Toilet

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman has this week decided she’s fucking sick of being surprised by her wandering dressing gown ties, and has instead beaten them to the punch by dunking them directly into the toilet. Laurie Seymour says she’d fallen into a disgusting routine of forgetting about the ties when she visited the loo, only to realise the ends of...

Local Bloke Spends Day Of Mourning With Dogs And Horses Like The Queen Would Have Wanted

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLocal bloke Jason Croydon is a man of good morals. Not only has he been drowning his sorrows all week after hearing of the Queen’s passing, but he also thought he’d commemorate her spirit by surrounding himself with some of things she loves the most - horses and dogs. Which is why, on this fine day, Jason has made his...

Office Staff Scrounge Around To Find Excited Graduate Employee Her First Ever Chair In The Workforce

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactEmployees at One Pump Digital have this week been forced to scrounge around for a spare office chair and keyboard, after ‘forgetting’ to buy some equipment for their new employee, who is alleged to be starting her first ever adult job since graduating from university. Despite knowing for a solid three weeks that Sophie Gilman would be starting,...

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