Local News

White Man Fails To Pull Off Yellow T-Shirt

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A Caucasian man from Betoota Grove has been urged to either get a bit of sun, or refrain from wearing bright yellow in the future. This follows the aesthetic nightmare that took place at the Betoota City Arcade this afternoon. A local shopper was seen wearing...

Bottom Of Friendship Hierarchy Quickly Established By Who Has To Sit In Beanbag At Pre-Drinks

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Local girl Emily Thompson has long suspected she was the least liked member of her friendship trio but tonight’s activities have now confirmed her worst fears. It’s alleged Emily had first been alerted to her position in the friendship hierarchy when the group chat between her and her best mates, Izzie...

Students Gleefully Guide Boomer Maths Teacher Towards 30 Minute Tangent About Good Old Days

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE |CONTACT A year eight classroom has united today, after their teacher Mr Ellis made the mistake of divulging a detail from his personal life. Taking a small break from teaching the class about the adorably named but thoroughly confusing ‘box and whisker plots’, Mr Ellis casually mentioned a rock concert...

Sweating Stock Broker Must Have Been For A Run Or Something Before He Went Into The Pub Bathroom

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Business bros and start-up lifers are loving the newest trend sweeping the finance world; taking a quick micro-run before going to the bathroom to freshen up. At least that was the case for sweating stock broker Jeremy McKewn (40) who emerged out of the pub toilet looking like he’d...

Former Cricketer Pops Up On Regional TV To Make Sure You’re Buying Australian Steel

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT One long-acknowledged charm of regional Australia is the local TV commercials, usually featuring the business owner talking in a monotone droll or going the complete opposite direction and doing something that just wouldn't fly in the city. Every once in a while however, a regional TV viewer will stumble...

Tasmanians Isolated After Strong Winds Blow Away WiFi Signal From Mainland

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact In another blow to Tasmania, residents have been further isolated by the loss of the state’s internet.  The technical difficulties have come at a bad time for Tasmanians, many of whom are still reeling from a local share market crash earlier this year that wiped literally tens of...

Committed Metalhead Wears Cannibal Corpse Long Sleeve To First Casual Friday At New Office Job

BEAU RIVERS | Local News | Contact Local metalhead Jay Degura has today really pushed the limits of his workplaces’ casual Friday tradition, rocking up in a vintage Cannibal Corpse long sleeve. Jay is kinda new to this whole office culture, having spent the last three years trying to get his Kung Fu-Goregrind-Metalcore band...

Minced Cows Ears Miraculously Turns Into Wagyu Seconds After Entering Pub Kitchen

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local pub in Betoota Heights has today performed a little magic trick. The Bearded Pig on The Link Road in our aspirational district, did so this morning by turning 10 kilos of the cheapest bulk beef mince into Wagyu. Wagyu is a type...

Hens Party Organiser Interrupts DJ To Request Beyoncé’s Entire 3rd Studio Album

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As social distancing restrictions slowly begin to lift in Betoota's Roma Hills nightlife precinct, the work/life balance has almost returned to normal for local DJs. Except now they are only asking for cash, in an effort to drag out JobKeeper for as long as they can - while they...

Hometown Bloke Who Used To Tattoo Self With Ballpoint Ink Now Smarter Than Any Epidemiologist

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some genuinely surprising news from Betoota Heights this afternoon, it's been revealed that a local man is actually smarter than the entire medical and scientific fraternity. This comes after the man who gave himself a mad tattoo after highschool, revealed that 'coronavirus doesn't actually exist.'

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