Local News

Man Transitions Seamlessly Into Fatherhood By Not Rubbing In His Sunscreen

LEEROY PERCIVAL | Local News | Contact A local paddle boarder has this week made a seamless transition into his role as a father, by applying about 5 times more sunscreen than is necessary and not making any reasonable attempt to rub it into his skin. After a few double-takes, Trevor Hendy, a senior town-planner and avid Rodriguez fan, was spotted during...

Wealthy Older Man Begins Wearing Round Spectacles In Declaration Of His Left-Wing Views

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact For Ross Wylett (68), maintaining progressive political views is much harder than it is for most bleeding heart lefties. For one, he's made a lot of money out of the workers. And two, he's a rich old white man who lives in a suburb that puts fairy lights in the trees for no reason. After a fruitful career as a manufacturer...

Small Town Accountant Smashes Stereotypes And Seeks Pre-Selection For The Nationals

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A mildly-popular Selwyn accountant has taken the next logical step in his career and has taken the necessary steps to seek pre-selection for The Nationals in the federal seat of Kennedy in Central Queensland. Though it's been held by Bob Katter since 1993, local small business owner Graham-Albert Stevensonson feels he is in with a red-hot shot of toppling the...

Study Finds 90% Of Bahn Mi Chilli Is Confined To The Final Bite

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The team from one of the nation's peak scientific bodies had today handed down their findings in a recent landmark study into the concentration and location of chilli within a Vietnamese pork roll. And what the study has uncovered will send a shiver down your spine. Speaking candidly to the media today with the type of...

Defeated Vegetarian Forced To Pick The Meat Off 3AM Slice Of Pizza

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Her friends laughed when Miriam Blake said she wanted a Margherita. Saying she'd a vegetarian was obviously a bridge too far, even as the kick-on wound down at the Betoota Heights sharehouse she and four other friends live in. Everyone, including Ms Blake, was starving. That's according to Lucy Camberfield, who did the ordering the old-fashioned way by telephoning the James...

Uncle Who Jokes About Never Getting Married Sounds Like He Actually Needs A Hug

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact Researchers are speculating possible distress signals emanating from part-time mechanic and fulltime uncle, Brian Murphy (51) as he continues to joke to anyone who will listen about why you should never get married. Friends of Murphy state the almost-loveable larikin is never short of a few words, particularly about his ‘ex-missus’ who he never seems...

Agency Forces Team To Get Corporate Headshots In Final Act Of Humiliation

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact An office-wide memo at Betoota advertising agency Co-United Creative Klan has sent low-level employees into panic mode as the CEO has announced corporate headshots will be taking place in what many are calling the final act of humiliation. The 9,000-word email briefly outlined to the 8 am to 7 pm workers the importance of ‘looking...

Betoota’s ‘Polo In The Outback’ Festival Moved To Quilpie After Recent Rain Turns Field Green

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The mid-winter rains the town received late last month has claimed another victim today after the president of the Betoota Heights Polo Club announced the upcoming Polo in the Outback Festival is being moved to Quilpie because the local polo fields have turned 'too green'. Speaking to local media this morning, BHPC President Lucas Conbar-Delga, explained that the green...

Liaising With Dealers Now The Sole Reason Why Snapchat Is Still Installed On Local Man’s Phone

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Taking time out of his busy Tuesday afternoon yesterday, a plain-clothed legal professional confided in The Advocate at a popular local pub's beer garden, that the only reason he still has Snapchat installed on his phone is that it's become the amateur drug dealer's preferred method of communication. Gavin Pooley, who said that wasn't his...

Rediscovery Of Number Saved As ‘Kyle . Matt’s mate’ Suggests It’s Time To Clean Up Contacts

LEROY PERCIVAL | Culture | Contact A contractual lawyer from Betoota’s inner-north has realised it’s probably a good time to clean out some of the contacts in his phone, after an attempt to contact his old friend Kyle resulted in a number of awkward text messages with several Kyles, whom he has no recollection of.   Joel Garrett, 30, was keen to get ahold of mate...

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