Local News

Closing Individual Tabs After Finishing An Assignment Far More Satisfying Than Exiting Browser

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Staring intermittently at the clock on her computer, local woman Sam Thompson mindlessly taps away at her computer keyboard as she attempts to bullshit her way over the required word count. The essay in question - a 1,500-word research piece on the most popular artists of the Northern Renaissance...

What’s It About? Who’s That?’ What?’ ‘I Love That Actor Don’t I’ Asks Mum During Movie

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT All local woman Lindsay Moore wanted to do was sit down and watch a movie with her mum. An activity that should have been easy enough, given it involved simply looking at a screen. It’s alleged Lindsay had received a call from her mother Gill one Friday afternoon when...

Confused Service Centre Operator Unable To Find Wheelbarrow Licence Test For Local Apprentice

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local transport and motoring customer service employee has been left scratching her head after fielding a bit of a left-field question today. Janet Brighton (63) is relatively new to her role at the Betoota Heights local Department of Transport and Main Roads Customer Service Centre and is...

Stagnant Water On Nightstand Successfully Quenches 3am Wine Induced Thirst

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT At age twenty seven, you’d think Lauren Howe would have outgrown the need to binge drink herself into oblivion every weekend. However, after recently calling off her engagement to her childhood sweetheart, Lauren has been given somewhat of a new lease on life, as her future plans of settling...

Cashier Sent Into Panic As Customer Interrupts Transaction To Say They’ve Got The Exact Change

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT It’s said that if every person worked in customer experience at least once in their lives, the world would be a kinder place.  If not  to stop the abundance of Karens, but to also put an end to common misdemeanours such as shoving used napkins into half drunk glasses...

In Depth Analysis Of Crush’s Birth Chart Fails To Provide Woman Answer She’s Looking For

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local woman has today consulted the stars to figure out why her crush has dialled down the heat, it’s reported. Leona Robertson was allegedly in the early dating stages with a young gentleman by the name of Chris, when the barrage of affection had slowed to nothing...

“I’m Tired Of People Asking For Weed Just Because I Have Dreads, But Yeah How Much”

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Cody Chapel (33) does not ask for much.  All Chapel asks for is a labouring job without drug tests, enough money for some beer, and a decent connection to the earth and NBN. He’d also ask that people consider their own prejudice before making assumptions...

Charger For Unknown Device Goes Back Into The Messy Draw

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Choosing to do some spring cleaning at the latest possible time to do so, Leane Trivoski (58) decided to conquer the enigmatic enemy of minimalism that is her kitchen messy draw. “It’s just the sort of place we keep things we don’t need right now but will probably need...

Bloke Who Loaded Up On Twilight Payment Really Likes Those Odds On Alabama Swinging To Biden

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local punter is refusing to rest on his laurels it can be confirmed. Following a huge win on a horse, no one tipped, Ben Wilson, is today looking to keep the good times rolling with a roughie in the US election. Nursing a...

Report: Mum And Dad Spending More Time On Facebook Than You Did In High School

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Nine years ago, millennial Tessa Paulo (26) was promised by her parents that Facebook would rot her brain. Turns out, Paulo’s parents weren’t wrong but not in the way they had intended.  A nationwide survey of 1,155 families has determined that the average parent spends 30%...

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