Local News

City Worker’s Colleagues Getting Quite A Kick Out Of How Scat She Is After Weekend Festival

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "So how was it?" he asked. "Great, it was really fun." "How was the music?" he asked. "Great, it was really fun." With her EmuPass still on the floor of a rented Hyundai iMax outside Betoota Airport, Lucy Steerson was forced to buy another one this morning just so she'd be able to get the bus to work. This...

Power-Tripping Coworker Chooses Shitty Xmas Party Venue That Caters To Her Cigarette Habit

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The entire workplace of Lorigan And Co Accountants in Betoota Heights have today been treated to the news that next week's staff Christmas party will be at one of the grossest pubs in the area. Mainly due to the fact that Lanny from the front desk loves punching darts, and is also in charge of organising the event. Whispers...

“Coal Is Technically Vegan And Organic” Says Inner-City Leftie Justifying Purchase Of Tesla

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A semi-retired geologist is at the centre of a localised firestorm this today after he attempted to justify the purchase of a used Tesla motorcar by saying coal is technically vegan and organic. Betoota Grove resident Gregor Spearson, who was once so moved by the slaughter of whales by the Japanese that he bought a bumper sticker for his...

Pub Raconteur’s Story Ruined By Mate’s Mate Googling Everything

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Who was that cunt and why did you bring him to the pub last night?" At 6:04 am this morning, the first message buzzed the group chat and Nick Friesen wanted some answer. The Diamantina Air Freight pilots often meet on a Tuesday afternoon for a quiet drink at the Dickless Parrot in Betoota Heights, which was once a nice...

Parents Complain About The Decreasing Value Of Their Property Like Their Kid Is Supposed To Care

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact After flagellating herself all morning for being born middle-class to two polite and stable property owners, a happy-go-lucky city worker has had to endure said parents moaning and complaining that their hyper-inflated asset is now sharply decreasing in value. Joining her folks for lunch this Tuesday gone, Emile Seymour said aside from the normal questions about her life and why...

Man Shamefully Walks To Bin To Pick Up Paper Ball He Didn’t Get In

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The 2-metre gap between Carl Mackinnon and the office recycling bin is feeling more like 200 metres today after he attempted to throw a scrunched-up piece of paper into it and missed. Witnesses say Carl stood staring at the bin in disbelief before quickly looking around to see if anyone saw him miss the shot. As one eager colleague explained,...

Kidnapper’s Girlfriend Tired Of Having Her Magazines Cut Up For Ransom Letters

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT After years of silent compliance Susanne,* girlfriend of career kidnapper Brody,* has stated she is tired of having her magazines cut up and used for ransom letters. Throughout their four year relationship, Susanne has enjoyed certain aspects of being the partner of a career kidnapper but has struggled in silence with others. “I put up with a lot, his late...

Curious Man Wonders How Perennially-Empty Travel Agency In Local Strip Mall Stays Afloat

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular local thinking man has been bamboozled by a Betoota Heights travel agency this afternoon because despite never seeing anybody in it ever, it still manages to remain open. When he's not enjoying a fine prepackaged lasagne with friends in his rented one-bedroom apartment, Kane Mooch applies his oversized brain to academia down the...

Unsupervised Boomer Finds Himself Watching SBS Food Again

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Grove father-of-four has been left to his own devices this morning, something that the sexagenarian relishes and enjoys. Colin Dollarhyde is using the lack of spousal supervision to his advantage, he says, by sitting himself down on his new Koala lounge in front of the 'idiot box'. In particular, SBS Food. Speaking a short time ago...

Phone Addiction Realised After Attempt To Set Alarm Results In 30 Minute Social Media Scroll

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local woman Alyshia Stephenson has just come to after losing 30 minutes of her life down a social media black hole. Dazed and confused, Alyshia sat there wondering what the hell happened. “I just went on there to set an alarm,” she said. “Then I came to and 30 minutes had passed.” “I don’t even know what happened.” This type of behaviour...

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