Local News

Bloke In Bunnings Ad Not Instilling A Lot Of Confidence In DIY Customer

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Sitting back watching TV from his half-renovated living room, Jez Walker wonders if the teenage rock enthusiast in a Bunnings uniform talking about eaves and guttering really has much of an idea about home improvement at all. The rock enthusiast, or Decklan as his name tag suggests, is one of the...

Bloke Who Crashed On The Couch After House Party Better Fucking Grab A Garbage Bag

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Last night Brittany Minkville and her housemates hosted a party for over 150 people at their 3-bedroom terrace in the French Quarter. The bottles, vomit and other debris make it look more like 3000 this morning. Reports from the scene indicate that Brit and her...

Latest Water Bill Suggests Mum Must Be Growing Cotton Out The Back

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact While the majority of NSW is in a crippling drought, a local mother of two must have completely missed the memo. June Daily, more so her husband Rodney, got a rude shock this afternoon upon opening their latest bill from Betoota Waterways. “Jesus Christ, Juney!”...

Dart Break Ruined As Manager Joins In

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT What was meant to be a heart warming and lung destroying smoko between an inner circle of work colleagues turned to absolute shit as the manager joined the group, in a desperate attempt to socialise with the people who hate him. It is believed Site Manager Daly Wayne...

Retired Accountant Landlord Says He Should Be Right To Just Fix That Structural Fault Himself

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Earlier this week residents of a French Quarter share house experienced the rare phenomenon of having a maintenance request answered. It appears the residents may have celebrated too soon as their landlord, former accountant Geronimo Shah (68), says there is no need to involve contractors or the council,...

Man Invited Into Corporate Box Reckons He Could Get Used To This

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local cheapskate has peaked in life today after being invited into a corporate box at the Betoota Cricket Ground. He shared the news with his Instagram followers by uploading a story consisting of a close up shot of a crisp schooner on a table, with the rest...

Man’s Primary School Sport Achievements Hold Just As Much Value As His Crypto Portfolio

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact “Mate, I can swim way faster than you!” Bryan Maison skited to his clearly fitter friend. “On what planet?” laughed Joel Addington. “What makes you think that you’re a better swimmer than me?” asked Joel. “In primary school I was age-champion for swimming...

Report: Nothing More Sweaty Than An Ex-Queenslander Visiting Home After Acclimatising Down South

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A recent report looking what the world’s sweatiest thing is has revealed that something in Australia has taken out the prized number one spot – even ahead of a taxi driver in an ’89 Camry driving through Texas with the windows up and no air-con. In what can only...

Site Manager Throws On These Bad Boys To Let The Subbies Know He’s Done His Time On The Tools

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local site manager responsible for overseeing the never-ending construction of Betoota's light rail has today flexed on his subordinates with a sparkling clean pair of corporate-friendly work boots. William Rogerson (38) says it's about time these dumb tradies learn that he used to be one of them, before...

Exam Supervisor Pretending Like She’s Got Better Things To Do

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Summer school is coming to an end at South Betoota Polytechnic College which means exams have already started. For the four score and three students who made the decision to fuck their last term of study up by having too many bamboo schooners when they...

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