Local News

Psychopathic Pet Cat Maintains Eye Contact While Tearing Up The Couch

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Tina the house cat has reached a new level of shitty today after attacking a Chesterfield couch in front of its owner, it’s reported. The moggy, adopted roughly three years ago from the Betoota RSPCA, was explicitly told multiple times that the couch was off-limits. However, after receiving...

Local Woman Not Sure If She Comes Across As Care-Free Enough To Pull Off A Messy Bun

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local woman today has deeply regretted her hairstyle choice after feeling the urge to shake things up a little, it’s reported. Stacey Gibbs, owner of three moleskin journals, isn’t sure if she has the personality or the head shape to pull off a messy bun. 

Local Piss Head Getting A Bit Too Old To Be Bragging About His Tactical Vom

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT An inner-city gathering has today gone from classy shindig to major pissup after the arrival of local gronk, Jared Rook. Announcing his presence by bursting through the door and screaming ‘YEEEEWWW’, a red-eyed Jared was desperately trying to cling to his high before succumbing to what will be...

Hottest Netball Bully From High School Now Hottest Feminist Bully On Twitter

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | CONTACT In an almost fluid transition, former high school alpha Becky Claire-Kelly (27) has graduated from the chick that makes girls feel bad about being overweight in the school yard to the chick that making normal people who aren't 100% up to date with Lena Dunham-style cancel culture feel bad on Twitter.

Worst Bloke In Friendship Circle Plays Dumb After Arriving With Schooners In A Pint Round

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact It’s long been suspected that Tim Houghton was the shittest bloke in their friendship group, but a recent stunt at a Betoota pub confirmed it for a group of honest, beer loving mates.  The tight-knit group of men had been in rounds drinking pints of Betoota Bitter all afternoon....

Late 20s Couple Plan Retirement After Choosing Better Homes & Gardens Over Jaegerbombs

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Formerly young couple Jerry and Virginia Parker had a rude wake-up call on Friday night, after they suddenly realised they were watching Better Homes & Gardens instead of being dragged out of a club by a bouncer after numerous Jaegerbombs and an argument over a pool table. “We had...

East Coast Residents Frightened By Mysterious Falling Water Phenomenon

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT East coast of Australia residents were not sure how to react this week when unexpectedly confronted with the spectacle of water falling from the sky with no apparent cause. Local dirt farmers Daniel and Melissa were preparing for dinner when they witnessed the strange phenomenon from their kitchen window.   

“I Don’t Know Any Of These Songs,” Says Woman Who Still Thinks Matt & Alex Host Breakfast

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The triple j Hottest 100 countdown continues to be a culturally important moment for many Australians from those who are there to have fun to those who will proudly exclaim they know what number 1 will be after hearing songs 100-2. It appears that some segments of triple j...

“This Shouldn’t Be Number 1,” Says Moustache Attached To Man

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As the triple j Hottest 100 music countdown continues to break records for voter numbers, listeners all across Australia tuned in today to hear the democratically selected best songs of 2019. While the lighthearted music countdown may be the most democratic process taking place in the nation, a local...

Mini Water Cooler Bottle Decent Indication Bloke On-Site Takes Some Hectic Supplements

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local chippy has all but confirmed that he purchases prohibited supplements on his job site today. Sitting down for a late lunch with a couple of other blokes, Brixen Watts did so by revealing his new miniature water cooler. The water bottles are...

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