Local News

Nearby One-Night-Stand Continue The Good Times By Open-Mouth Kissing In Breakfast Cafe

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Disgusting scenes are unfolding at a French Quarter cafe this morning as a couple who are clearly still in their clothes from the night before are open mouth kissing each other across the table. Witnesses at the scene say the couple reek of cigarettes and alcohol and are, for...

Local Introvert Found Dead After Mates Organise Busy Restaurant To Sing Him ‘Happy Birthday’

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact In sad news, a local Betoota man has passed away this evening after his larrikin friend started singing happy birthday to him in a busy restaurant, even though it wasn’t his birthday. It’s believed he died mid-way through the hip-hip-hooray segment, but that has not yet been confirmed...

Local Woman Straps In For A Fight After First Line Of Email Reads ‘As Per My Previous Email’

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local 'bitch' on the other end of an email better be ready for a war of passive-aggressive words today after she sent an email beginning with the phrase ‘as per my previous email’. According to reports, Audrey Frawley, the EA at a local finance firm, read the first...

Bunch Of Bananas On Special Fail To Replenish Serotonin Levels After 4 Day Bender

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Tragedy has struck a Betoota Grove home today after a young woman overdosed on Bananas. Stephanie Brink (27) was rushed to hospital by her flatmate at around 10:30am and is believed to be in a serious but stable condition. The Advocate can confirm that Steph...

Long Haired White Guys Detest Unoriginality Of Any Music Made By Long Haired White Guys

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A group of guys who look like they could be in Ocean Alley, or like a little brother version of Tame Impala, aren't really into all that. Local heart-throbs Joel, Jay, Ollie and Jordie (all 22) carry themselves like a bunch of young blokes that were raised in a...

Dad’s Eyes Light Up At Opportunity To Nail A Reverse Perpendicular Park

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact In some breaking news out of our town's Old City District, a local father of 3 just got that look in his eye. The incident occurred just moments ago when Tony Gregson was in the middle of a run of the mill trip down to the shops.

Table Tennis Ruined By Mate Who Actually Knows How To Play

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact A group of adult friends spending a weekend down the coast were delighted to discover the garage area featured a functioning ping pong table until a party member revealed that he actually knows how to play. After suggestions of beer pong from the more idiotic party members were rebuked,...

Bloke Without Rampant Alcohol Problem Somehow Good At Darts

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local mechanic, Andrew Miles has today confused fellow patrons of the Betoota Heights Tavern after cleaning up several games of darts on only 4.5 standard drinks. Despite not having a big gut and cigarette-yellowed fingers, the 26-year-old has bucked the the stereotype that usually applied to people who are...

Local Couple Clash Over What Constitutes A ‘Serving Size’

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local couple embarking on a joint weight loss journey have butted heads this evening while serving up an uninspiring, but diet approved, dessert. The clash came after the man attempted to add three extra spoonful’s of natural yoghurt to his sad array of fruit.

Friends Eagerly Await End Of Breakup Cooling Off Period So They Can Begin Slagging Ex-Boyfriend

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Time appears to have slowed down for a group of friends today after yet another day of uncertainty around their recently single friend has passed. The friends are reportedly treading on eggshells around the woman, unsure of whether or not it’s safe to start slagging her ex.

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