Local News

Pop’s Stationery Stash Of Mostly Just Stolen Keno/TAB Pencils

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Despite smelling like a pisshouse every Friday afternoon, local grandad Richard Mills reckons he hasn’t been to the pub in a while. The pensioner insisted that he’d quit the RSL as paying four bucks for a schooner of beer was nothing short of a ‘highway robbery.’

Middle Aged Lecturer Pauses Heavily To Decide If Next Words Are PC Enough For 19-Year-Olds

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Long time liberal voter and university lecturer, Harrison Rhyde, has had a hard time adapting to the modern classroom, and states that he ‘often has to watch what he says.’ Known in the past for making jokes about women and using the occasional racial slur, Harrison complains that...

Man’s 2020 Perfectly Summed Up By $5 Lunch Time Dominos Pizza

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT They often say a picture tells a thousand words, and for James Silva that was certainly the case today. Sitting down in the least shit inner city park in Betoota's French Quarter this afternoon, the young office worker thought he would treat himself to a bit of a...

Local Pescatarian Cuts To The Chase And Just Eats All The Microplastics In Exfoliating Scrub

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a somewhat odd story from Betoota Heights this morning, a young lady named Alsion Lee has today decided to eat a peculiar meal. The young solicitor explained to The Advocate that she decided to try something different, and consume her microplastics before they get diluted down the...

‘This Is It’ Says Woman With Random Stabbing Pain In Chest After Eating Falafel Wrap In 4 Minutes

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A local woman has experienced the shock of her life today, after eating a falafel wrap in four minutes flat. Sarah Young is alleged to have grabbed the offending snack from her local kebab shop and was seen ferociously wolfing it down so quickly, that she consumed...

COVIDsafe Marshal Curses This Virus After Another Bus Full Of Boomers Need Help With QR Code

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local pub employee has given this damn virus a bloody spray over the weekend after it caused a nightmare at his RSL. The casually employed young man who seems to get lumped with the COVIDsafe Marshal vest far more than seems fair, explained that he was fuming...

Art Class Under Siege As Teachers Pet’s Beautiful Landscape Cops A Mysterious Splash Of Paint

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Teachers aren’t supposed to have favourites, but for art teacher Ms P, it’s pretty evident who she likes the most - Lisa Hadley. Though the majority of the class had chosen the art elective as a way to fuck around for 90 mins, Lisa was the only one who...

Phone Placed Precariously On Top Of Toilet Confirms 2020 Could Still Get Worse Than It Is

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Despite the fact that for most people 2020 has been a dumpster fire of burning medical waste in an empty paddock of crops which are simultaneously scorched and washed away, a single phone has confirmed that it could be much, much worse. The phone, belonging to you, precariously balanced on the toilet cistern...

Mum Doesn’t Know If You’ve Noticed But She Really Needs To Get Cracking On The Bougainvillea

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With Spring around the corner, one Betoota Grove mother has made it abundantly clear that the winter chill is not going to stop her from bringing the Bougainvillea into line. This comes after two long, dark months finishing off the long awaited pergola out the back.

Spicks And Specks ReRun On TV Good Indicator Your City Has Gone Back Into Lockdown

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With restrictions to stop the spread of COVID-19 in-place across many Australian towns and cities a new phenomenon is being observed by those on lockdown. At the time of writing, the Australian Bureau of Statistics has reported a sharp spike of Spicks and Specks reruns being viewed in cities...

Social

754,189FansLike
603,780FollowersFollow
71,677FollowersFollow

Breaking News