Local News

“I’m A Big Kid At Heart” Says Grown Man Who Sleeps In A Single Bed

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In breaking news, it has been revealed that local unit Nick ‘Kingo’ King refers to himself as a ‘big kid at heart’ primarily for the reason that he sleeps in a single bed. The 36-year-old plumber is known for his workplace antics and ability to do anything in order...

Advertising Agency Makes Up For Not Paying Overtime By Installing Sparkling Water On Tap

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact One of Betoota’s top advertising agencies, TBJUQS/Smith, has successfully tricked its employees into thinking they’re not being overworked and underpaid by having a sparkling water tap installed alongside their regular cold and hot filtered water tap. Having been installed last night, the hysteria in the office today can apparently...

Local Woman Makes Monumental Mistake Of Asking Gym Instructor What Kind Of Music He’s Into

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local HR representative Sophie Mackay's winter body has met its biggest hurdle yet this afternoon. This comes as the 26-year-old Betoota Grove woman made the colossal fuck up of attempting to engage her gym instructor with non-heath and fitness related conversation. "I should have known" she...

Funeral Guest Immediately Regrets Asking Mourning Family Member How Things Have Been

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Belle Goliath, the girlfriend of Bill Smith, is today attending the funeral of the late Sandrine Smith, an eighty-six-year-old grandmother who passed away in a tragic croquet accident last week. It’s believed Belle hadn’t really met much of Bill’s extended family, so although a sad occasion, it was her...

Christian School Introduces ‘No Gender, No Play’ Rule

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With Scott Morrison now locked in as Prime Minister until the Libspill pencilled in for 2021, a local Christian school has felt empowered to introduce a controversial ‘No Gender, No Play’ rule during lunchtime. Saint Augustine of Damascus Primary School implemented the playground rule in an effort to...

Vague Commitment To Go To The Gym This Week Justifies Mid Arvo Servo Snack

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Meandering through Betoota’s peak hour afternoon traffic, Thomas Pooley was left facing quite a conundrum this afternoon. After a hedonistic weekend where he polluted his body like a giant Indian resources company let loose in the Galilee basin, the Engineer from our town’s Heights district said he’s feeling a...

Local Woman Gets Jealous Of Friend’s Upcoming Wedding And Posts Throwback To Her Special Day

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Anita Cruz has shown her worst side today after attempting to steal the thunder of her best friend’s upcoming wedding. Not one to shy away from attention, Anita the little psychopath uploaded yet another throwback album to her special day, which was over a year ago. 

Meet The Young Parents Who Halved Their Family’s Sugar Intake By Learning How To Read

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact In breaking news, The Advocate has found a family who’ve managed to halve their sugar intake without spending thousands on a nutritionist or a dietician. Excitingly, Beverley Arthur, mother of Jake, Tyson and Emeelee, says that it’s something anyone can do. “You won’t believe it,...

Ex-Smoker Experiences Wave Of Nostalgia Walking Past Ventilation Shutters Of Local Pokie Den

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Damien (Damo) Molloy took a deep and considered breath through his nose this morning as he walked past the ventilation shutters of the pokie den at the Betoota Imperial Hotel. This goes against the grain of every other passer-by, who are usually seen holding their breath.

Report: Eccentric Loudmouth Walking Down Plane Aisle Coming Straight For Seat Next To You

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local atheist has found herself this afternoon praying to god that the man making his way down the aeroplane aisle, isn’t coming for the spare seat next to her. “God, please no!” Anne Small thought to herself, or maybe she said it out aloud, she can’t be sure.



Breaking News