Local News

Disappointment As Mum Reveals Christmas This Year Is With The Weird Cousins

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | Contact A bubbly Betoota Grove sexagenarian has taken time out of her busy afternoon of smoking cigarillos on the deck and watering the geraniums while they're in direct sunlight to ring her children to say that Christmas this year is with the weird cousins. Debbie Mulgrave, a semi-retired Crown Prosecutor, broke the news to her directionless son Colin Junior around...

Local 30-Something Viewed Quite Differently By Peers After Learning He Can’t Drive

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Day broke by the Lake Betoota Boatramp this morning as three local shift workers reversed their beloved Quintrex into the deep and majestic waters of Western Queensland's deepest body of water. Moments after the hull slid off the rollers, skipper Sam Davison threw the keys to his ex-cab EL Falcon to one of his mates to park the car...

Healthy Option From Work Cafe Once Again Fails To Hit The Spot After Way Too Many Chances

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A investigation has reported that the healthy wrap from the work cafe has failed to hit the spot for the 22nd time. Wanting to spread her wings during her strictly monitored lunch hour, employee Gina Kidman (33) elected to visit the ‘Business Park Kafe,’ a venue that meets her criteria of being 50 metres away from her desk...

“Hey, That Looks Pretty Easy” Says Local Deadshit About To Try Fly Fishing For The First Time

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Yesterday morning around 9, Peter Midas' phone rang and on the other end of the line was Liam Cruikshank. Liam is a keen fisherman with a particular penchant for the fly fishing variety, however, he seldom finds people willing to stand alone with him in a local river for hours on end. Which is why, on a bright Monday morning,...

Senate Inquiry Concludes Vintage Sunglasses Are In Vogue This Summer

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Federal Senate inquiry into the reemergence of vintage sunglasses this spring has all but confirmed that the fashion accessory is back in fashion this summer. The news was met with mild fanfare this morning in Canberra, with Greens leader Richard Di Natale yelling across the chamber to his Conservative colleague Cori Bernardi: "Strike a...

“Don’t Talk To Me About Oppression!”: Charity Mugger Receives Tongue-Lashing From Wallabies Fan

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An overly-polite and softly-manner door-knocking charity worker has been yelled off a Betoota Grove property this morning after he attempted to speak to the homeowner about the many oppressed peoples the world. Rather than receiving a stern but nice 'no' from the man, Duncan Pegg got an absolute tongue-lashing. Duncan, who has been collecting monies for...

Supermarket Lasagne Slowly Defrosting On Kitchen Bench Says Mum’s Clocked Off For The Day

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The shoes are off and the Austar IQ is working double time. Brenda Matthews is 'fucking' done for the day. Four ice-cubes clang against the tempered glass of her chardonnay chalice as the 21-year-old* spoke to our reporter through the screen door of her rendered brick four-bedroom McMansion in Betoota Heights this afternoon. From all accounts, the...

Report: Drinking In Direct Sunlight Found To Increase Alcoholic Beverage Strength By Up To 50%

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Australia's peak scientific body has today confirmed what many believe to be true. The CSIRO, a chronically-underfunded government money pit, released their findings today into whether drinking alcoholic beverages in direct sunlight makes them more potent. And it makes for chilling reading. Speaking to the media today in Canberra, a faceless spokesman from the Organisation said that...

Pub Chef Bares His Soul With New Pepper Grinder Tattoo

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Whether he's burning steaks or shingling cheddar over a chicken parmigiana, it's safe to say Dale Poing's passion lies within the culinary arts. He returns to work often without washing his hands, rarely acknowledging anybody on the pass with more than a grunt. There's pub chefs - and then there's Dale. The 28-year-old used to work at...

Confused Boomer Attempts To Move Against The Flow Of Passengers Disembarking Plane

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A gibbering old fuck was seen attempting to move against the flow of disembarking passengers today shortly after the 3:20 pm Qantas service to town landed. While some immediately and needlessly stood as the plane pulled up at the ramp, Graeme Ponk was determined to be different. The 68-year-old didn't remain seated, he didn't try and...

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