Local News

Aussie Girl Moving To London Naively Thinks The English Are Going To Find Her Accent Unique

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT24 year old Aussie girl Emily Gotsis has reportedly set sail for London under the charming delusion that her accent will be met with awe and adoration. Friends and family revealed that the wide-eyed young woman bid farewell to her sun-drenched homeland with the enthusiastic idea that being Australian would be something exotic in the UK. "Everyone there loves Home...

Husband In Professional Family Photos Tries And Fails To Not Look Like He’s Being Held At Gunpoint

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Ponds bloke has this week maliciously complied with his wife’s family photo idea, by rocking up the photoshoot with a face like a slapped arse and making it known to everyone, including the photographer, that he’d rather be anywhere else. Sullenly looking at his feet as his wife Hayley ushered the kids into a pose, Matthew Hadden,...

26-Week Unpaid Placement Gives Social Workers A Taste Of The Misery They’ll Encounter On The Job

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Australian Government has this week generously announced that it will be rolling out a means-tested weekly payment for young people who have been enslaved into the poverty of unpaid placements The payment, which won't be available until at least next year, should just about cover rent in any medium sized town. As for food and bills, the government has...

Primary School Teacher Forced To Adapt Curriculum Into One Minute Dances

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights primary school teacher has resorted to taking drastic measures to capture her students attention, as short-form content such as Tik Tok and Reels have caused the younger generation to have warped attention spans. With reports that Gen Alpha has both a shorter attention span and is more inclined to learn visually or by experience, it appears that the traditional way...

Man In Need Of A Few Organs Buoyed By News More People Are Riding Lime Scooters Without A Helmet

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Ohhhhh govern me harder, daddy!" he said. Tom Reece is standing outside the Lord Kidman Hotel at closing time. In his hand, an iPhone he's using to unlock a Lime scooter. It's only a 10-minute journey home for him, by electric pony. It's one he's done a hundred times before. His friends tell him to walk...

Woman Who Needs Furniture Assembled Starts Swiping Right On Anyone Who Looks Like A Tradie

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA cash strapped Betoota Heights woman is now considering a rather unconventional route to getting some furniture assembled, having tried and failed to assemble a chest of drawers herself on the weekend, it’s reported. Jasmine Hockley, 29, says she’d quickly realised that the screwdriver she’d found in the back of her kitchen drawers would not cut it, but that...

Man That Got Educated For Nothing Annoyed Young Workers Have HECS Indexation Marginally Decreased

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A sage elder from our town's vast Heights district has sighed heavily at the television this morning after a nice blonde woman told him young workers were getting something he's not. Anthony Ross, a 70-year-old retired large-animal veterinarian, was watching Wake Up Betoota on Channel 5 at about 9:45am today when news reader Annie Brown...

Float Tank Most Stressful 45 Minutes Of Local Man’s Life

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local man is struggling to ease his anxiety issues this evening as he finds himself drowning inside a small coffin in an underground basement. Like most young Aussies getting crushed by the cost of living crisis and endless bleak news cycle, Thom Huberman admits his anxieties have been bubbling a little louder than usual in the...

Sheltered Woman Chatting To Friendly Lady With Carabiner On Belt Assumes She Must Be Part Of Bouldering Community

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman who doesn’t get out much has concluded it might be time to join a bouldering community, after having multiple friendly chats with ladies sporting carabiners on their belt buckles last night. Renee Cameron, 32, says she was blown away by how welcoming the bouldering community is, and that after months of oohing and aahing about starting a...

Bushie Mate More Scared Of Free Kimchi at Korean BBQ Than Catching Lizard With Bare Hands

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements| CONTACTA bushie in the big smoke for the weekend, Trent Walker (29) has shocked onlookers by revealing his deep-seated fear of free kimchi at a local Korean BBQ joint, despite displaying a remarkable bravado when it comes to doing things that would petrify most civilized people like picking up a lizard with his bare hands. Witnesses claim when faced...

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