Local News

Stench Of Hand Sanitiser Instantly Unlocks Memories Of Time Woman Almost Got Alcohol Poisoning

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Olfactory memory or ‘smell memory’ refers to a memory that’s triggered by an odour. Whether it’s an old perfume that reminds you of a past love or a waft of smoke that evokes memories of nights spent conversing with strangers in a smoking section, smell memories can be...

PM Responds To China’s Comments About War Crimes: “Mate Let’s Talk About Pearl Harbour Then?”

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Prime Minister has today taken the fight to our greatest trading partner, and in trademark fashion. "You wanna talk about war crimes, well how bout Pearl Harbour mate," said the seemingly triggered snowflake this afternoon. Scott Morrison issued the powerful retort to China...

Office Degenerate Makes Sure To Organise Christmas Bash At Bar With A TAB

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Office Manager Brendan Wallis probably wouldn’t have been in charge of the annual Christmas bash, if his colleagues had any idea of his hobbies, it’s reported. Having just been hired roughly six months ago, the 35-year-old father-like figure was quickly welcomed by the rest of the staff, most likely...

Husband Spends 700 Dollars To Get Ridiculed By Teenagers Online

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A big dumb husband has today spent a huge chunk of money to get rekt online by people young enough to be his kids. This comes as the 29-year-old father of none just splashed out on a brand new Play Station 5, something his wife can't quite wrap...

Closing Individual Tabs After Finishing An Assignment Far More Satisfying Than Exiting Browser

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Staring intermittently at the clock on her computer, local woman Sam Thompson mindlessly taps away at her computer keyboard as she attempts to bullshit her way over the required word count. The essay in question - a 1,500-word research piece on the most popular artists of the Northern Renaissance...

What’s It About? Who’s That?’ What?’ ‘I Love That Actor Don’t I’ Asks Mum During Movie

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT All local woman Lindsay Moore wanted to do was sit down and watch a movie with her mum. An activity that should have been easy enough, given it involved simply looking at a screen. It’s alleged Lindsay had received a call from her mother Gill one Friday afternoon when...

Confused Service Centre Operator Unable To Find Wheelbarrow Licence Test For Local Apprentice

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local transport and motoring customer service employee has been left scratching her head after fielding a bit of a left-field question today. Janet Brighton (63) is relatively new to her role at the Betoota Heights local Department of Transport and Main Roads Customer Service Centre and is...

Stagnant Water On Nightstand Successfully Quenches 3am Wine Induced Thirst

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT At age twenty seven, you’d think Lauren Howe would have outgrown the need to binge drink herself into oblivion every weekend. However, after recently calling off her engagement to her childhood sweetheart, Lauren has been given somewhat of a new lease on life, as her future plans of settling...

Cashier Sent Into Panic As Customer Interrupts Transaction To Say They’ve Got The Exact Change

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT It’s said that if every person worked in customer experience at least once in their lives, the world would be a kinder place.  If not  to stop the abundance of Karens, but to also put an end to common misdemeanours such as shoving used napkins into half drunk glasses...

In Depth Analysis Of Crush’s Birth Chart Fails To Provide Woman Answer She’s Looking For

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local woman has today consulted the stars to figure out why her crush has dialled down the heat, it’s reported. Leona Robertson was allegedly in the early dating stages with a young gentleman by the name of Chris, when the barrage of affection had slowed to nothing...

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