Local News

Local Boomer Claiming To Be Avid Gardener Blows Cover By Saying “Plants” Instead Of “Plarnts”

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A local Boomer claiming to be a gardener has blown her cover today by accidentally referring to the green things in her garden as plants, instead of the correct technical term “plarnts”. In an attempt to impress her next door neighbour, Sylvia Harris, 70, a new arrival to Betoota West’s leafy Patrician Street, tried to engage in a gardening discussion...

Bloke Going Hell For Leather In Monday HIIT Class Must’ve Done Some Naughty Shit Over Weekend

TRACEY BENDINGER | Social Nuances | Contact HIIT classes are filled with gym-goers of all fitness levels and abilities, but as one eager-beaver is showing, it’s also a place for people to attempt to absolve themselves of the sins they accumulated over the weekend. Here's our news wrap for this Monday morning. Subscribe or follow to stay up to date with all of the big stories every...

“These Kids With Their Bloody TikToks” Grumbles Man With Online Gambling And Porn Addictions

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Not that he remotely understands the video sharing social networking service, but Mark Walsh is pretty sure TikTok is addictive.  “They don’t even talk to each other, it’s just staring at a screen,” stated Walsh, who once saw two teenagers on their phones on a bus and hasn’t shut up about it since. “These bloody kids with their bloody TikTok,...

Office Pisshead Asks If Everyone’s Still On For Staff Drinks In 6 Hours

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local bloke at work has made point of reminding everyone that there was talk earlier this week about staff drinks. Corby Eatons (33) has popped his head into three different offices today asking fellow employees if they are 'still keen' for a cold ones in six hours. "Who's keen?" he says. "I think we should pop down to Gilroys at...

Local Publican Makes The Mistake Of Allowing An Underground Aussie Hip Hop Event In His Venue

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local publican Blayne Carter (45) has this week decided that selling $5,000 worth of Woodstock Bourbon isn't worth the cleaning bill that comes with hosting an underground Aussie hip hop event at his enormous Betoota Ponds pub, The Lord Holden. This comes after Carter was finally persuaded to rent out his function room to a local bedroom rapper by...

Disposable Mask Chalks Up Its 100th Cap

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A trusty surgical mask has today notched up an incredible milestone. Nearly 6 months after first being purchased, the cheap disposable mask has achieved its 100th start. The notable achievement came this morning after local city woman Erica Wills realised once again that she had forgotten to get a reusable mask. Catching the bus into the Old City...

Union Calls A Strike Following Installation Of New Healthy Vending Machine On-Site

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Betoota Old City District job site has been shut down today, after a 'dangerous safety incident.' Work on the high rise construction in our CBD has ground to halt following the local construction union deciding to find some safety issues. However, while their may have been some issues with some electrical outlets or lighting or whatever, The...

Girls WILL Talk Later About Shocking Engagement Ring They Are Currently Cheering At

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A group of mates were put to the ultimate test today. As group OG Josie Tan (26) showed off an engagement ring to her closest circle of friends, the smiles soon turned to cheeky grins as her friends quickly realised Josie’s ring was a deadset shocker. “He designed it himself!” stated Tan, as if the questionable nature of every element...

Dad’s Bunnings Trip Not Complete Until He’s Whacked A Bag Of Mulch

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT As local dad Steven King walks to the counter with some gardening shears and a box of nails, he has an unsettling feeling that he’s forgotten to do something.  It’s reported that Steven had made the trip with his son that morning as part of their ‘boys day’, which was actually just Steven’s way of having someone to run...

Uni Students Begin Awkward Standoff As Restaurant Doesn’t Offer Split Bills

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A group of first-year uni students have today decided to shake things up for lunch and have something other than Mi Goreng for a change, it’s reported. Per the suggestion of the eldest student Lisa, who’d become somewhat of a mother figure to the pack, the four engineering undergraduates made a beeline towards their local Sushi Train for...

Social

780,001FansLike
603,780FollowersFollow
75,647FollowersFollow

Breaking News