ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A fledgling Betootacone Valley tech start-up has received a conference call this morning from some guy in the US office and despite speaking a lot, he didn’t really say much.

Tickiback, an e-commerce native website plug-in that creates new customer leads from organic and sponsored traffic in a genuine way using AI and human expertise, recently opened an Australian office in our town’s fabled technology hub. They’re bootstrapping it here and trying to make a go of it in an already crowded market.

The group’s managing vice president of technology growth, David Clark, spoke to the local team this morning at 9am to offer some insights into where the company wants to expand to in the new Australian financial year.

“Alright team,” Clark prefaced.

“As we pivot into FY Q1, our primary objective is to leverage our synergistic capabilities to drive scalable growth within the e-commerce tech vertical. We’ll be optimising our tech stack to enhance the customer journey, ensuring a frictionless UX across all touchpoints. We need clean work slates for that. Our KPI targets are set to disrupt the market with a 15% increase in conversion rates by leveraging big data analytics and machine learning algorithms. It’s crucial that we deep-dive into our sales funnel, implementing a robust omnichannel strategy to maximise our ROI. Let’s ensure our cross-functional teams are agile and aligned, so we can iterate rapidly and stay ahead of the curve in this dynamic landscape. Remember, our core competency lies in our ability to innovate and adapt, so let’s synergise our efforts to achieve these ambitious targets.”

Local manager Darcy Oxley nodded then muted the microphone. He turned to his team.

“What the fuck is this cunt on about?” he asked them.

They knew not to shrug, they smiled and nodded back.

“Does he mean we need to get more clients and make more money or else we’re out on our arse?” Darcy continued.

They unmuted the mic.

“On top of that, we’re gonna supercharge our microservices architecture to turbo-boost scalability and resilience, making sure our backend is hella robust,” Clarke continued.

Darcy visibly cringed.

“We’re diving deep into the cloud-native ecosystem, leveraging Kubernetes and Docker to streamline our DevOps pipeline. Think of it as putting our infrastructure on steroids, bro. By integrating AI-driven chatbots and leveraging blockchain for enhanced security, we’re not just staying ahead of the curve – we’re carving out a whole new wave. Let’s get stoked about these paradigm-shifting innovations and ride this tech wave to crush our targets, dudes!”

Darcy smiled and forced himself to laugh.

“Yeah righto, mate. Sounds good. Just put that all in an email and we’ll go from there.”

More to come.


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