IN-Focus

Boomer Discovers They Can Buy Whitegoods Online And Don’t Have To Get Ripped Off At Harvey Norman

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact After years of being fleeced each time their toaster packs it in, a breeding pair of local sexagenarians have discovered that it's possible to purchase new whitegoods online and not just at the Betoota Heights Harvey Norman. "We're going to save thousands," said Glenda Coleman to this masthead this morning. "Usually, we'd have to go down...

Bill Gates Bashes The Fuck Out Of Some Guy At A Caloundra Boat Ramp For Touching His Crab Pots

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Down-on-his-luck tech billionaire Bill Gates has reportedly cemented his new-found status as a divorced single-dad by bashing the fuck out of some guy he thought was touching his crab pots off the Sunshine Coast community of Caloundra. Mr Gates alleges he saw the man navigate over to his crab pots shortly before 4pm this afternoon...

Bill Gates Joins Blokes Advice

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Microsoft-founder Bill Gates has joined Blokes Advice, a popular male-dominated internet forum where men can help each other navigate life, ahead of his landmark divorce from his wife of 27-years wife, Melinda. The billionaire told The Advocate this afternoon local time that he joined Blokes Advice because he need support in what's going to be...

“Where Do I Know That Cunt From?” Man Asks Himself Seeing Curtis Stone In The Qantas Lounge

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A young man who some would argue doesn't belong in the Qantas Club has walked into the Remienko Memorial Aerodrome branch and laid eyes on chef turned celebrity chef Curtis Stone sitting in one of the armchairs. "Where do I know that cunt from?" Keith Coleman, 25, asked himself softly. Coleman shrugged and kept on walking...

Melbourne’s Wet Markets Given Green Light To Re-Open Next Month

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The many wet markets of Melbourne have been closed for over a year with little light at the end of the tunnel. But from next week, a return to normality for countless Melbournese as they can now get their fresh produce from the back of some van again. The Prarhrahn Wet Market will open on...

Federal Government Faces Uphill Battle To Administer Jabs To 2000 Australians By July

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Federal Government today faces the almost-impossible challenge to administer over 2000 Australians before July. Speaking to the media today in Canberra, Prime Minister Scott Morrison said his government has accepted the challenge and is ready to make sure the two-thousand-or-so Australians flying over to Japan for the Olympics later this year will all have...

Scotty Says He’ll Apologise But He Won’t Take Off His Sunnies

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The nation's rudeboy-in-chief has conceeded he might need to apologise to Christine Holgate for the way he made her feel but he won't be taking off his sunnies because they're famous. In an interview with Nine's Tracey Grimshaw that's due to air tonight on Imparja, Scotty Morrison appeared shirtless wearing a demin jacket on Sydney's...

[Redacted By Legal] Says He’s Going To [Redacted By Legal] Journalists Over [Redacted By Legal]

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local has explained to our reporters that they can't wait to get their hands on the journalists who've been writing and things about them. Earlier this year, was the subject of an investigation by the ABC and the Sydney Morning Herald over alleged in Afghanistan - and since then,...

PM Responds To Christine Holgate: “You’d Think I Pissed On The Rug The Way She’s Carrying On”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Bloke Scotty Morrison invited reporters into his Parliamentary man cave this morning to watch former Australia Post CEO Christine Holgate give evidence to the Senate Inquiry into her resignation. "Jesus wept," laughed Scott. "You'd think I bloody got home from the pub after midnight and pissed on the rug or something. A bit...

Barnaby Tells The National’s IT Department He Has No Idea How He Managed To Break Another iPad

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Parliament's most popular backbencher Barnaby Joyce has turned in his personal iPad to the National's IT Help Desk Kiosk in Canberra this afternoon because it's stopped working properly. Mr Joyce told the nerds behind the desk that he has no idea what happened to his Words With Friends machine but if they could get it...

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