IN-Focus

School Playground Hears How Omicron Had Two Of His Ribs Removed So He Could Mutate Himself

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Heights state schoolyard has heard rumours this morning about a deadly new strain of the spicy cough that's had two of his bottom ribs removed so he could mutate himself. Though early reports suggest that despite being extremely contagious and whatnot, the symptoms and outcomes of the disease are much milder than that...

Client Patiently Waits Until 4:55pm Friday Afternoon To Request Another Revision To Project

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A client has thoughtfully waited until the last possible moment to request a massive revision, despite having all week to answer an email. It’s alleged the staff at ‘Pump agency’ were just about to leave for the weekend when an email arrived in one of the account managers inboxes. Titled ‘urgent’, the email was roughly three pages long and highlighted...

Report: Just Lettuce Read The Letter, Georgie Boy, Let The People Be The Judge

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Local champion of free speech and libertarianism George Christensen is blocking, for the third time, the release of a letter between the Australian Federal Police and his office regarding his travels in the Phillippines over a number of years. Mr George says the letter contains accusations that paint him in a poor light and might,...

Flag-Wearing Patriot Suffers Existential Crisis After Realising Scotty Is Actually Full Of Shit

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Deep in thought as he stares out into the Big Blue Bin off Sydney, one flag-wearing patriot says he’s beginning to question everything after comes to terms with the fact that his Prime Minister is actually the one who’s completely full of shit. The man, who asked The Advocate to refer to him as Ralph,...

Nathan Lyon Suggestively Raises Eyebrows And Smiles When Chat Turns To Who Should Be Captain

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The nation’s Wattle Holder Nathan Lyon has sheepishly put his case forward to be the first spin bowler to captain the Australian Test side since Richie Benaud, by raising his eyebrows and smiling at the boys when the chat turns to who should replace Tim Paine as Test Captain. “Fuuuuck,” said Steve Smith to the...

Gladys: “I Always Followed The Best Oh Fuck It, I Couldn’t Give A Fuck Anymore”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The former Premier of New South Wales, Gladys Berejiklian, has told reporters in Sydney today that she always followed the best health advice when making decisions before trailing off into a stream of apathetic rambling. ”I always followed the best health advice,” she said. She paused then began to speak. ”Oh fuck it. I couldn’t give a...

Man Wonders In What Spectacular Fashion The Prime Minister Will Fuck Something Up This Week

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The club captain of the Lake Betooa Surf Lifesaving Club has told The Advocate this morning that he's looking forward to this, the last sitting week of Federal Parliament, to see in which spectacular and bizarre way Scott Morrison will fuck things up. Wade Donough, a 45-year-old founder of a small scale residential building company,...

“Yeah Mate, It’s Been A Tough Year For Us All,” Says Bloke Standing Next To His New 300-Series

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A downtrodden old-timer reckons this year has been quite a punish for him - and everyone in the wider community. He says this despite standing next to his new 300-Series Landcruiser Sahara ZX, which he said was the only good thing to come to him this year. "Oh yeah, mate," said Wal Cooper, a semi-retired grazier...

Scotty Explains Concept Of Inflation By Saying It’s Essentially What He Does To The Truth

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister is thanking God today that it's Friday, which means he gets two whole days off before the journalists resume their job of making him appear to be incompetent and supremely out-of-his-depth. Earlier this morning, however, Scott Morrison was asked to explain what inflation was, why it's bad and why Anthony Albanese's government...

Parcel Courier Says He Has A Sixth Sense For Knowing If Someone Is At Home So He Doesn’t Even Get Out Of The Van Half The Time

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A magic man who has fallen on hard times says he uses his supernatural abilities to see into people's homes to see if they're there. It's a particularly useful sense, says former pub magician Dennis Groole, for his new line of work. "When this virus came to town, they shut all the pubs and I was...

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