IN-Focus

Dan Andrews Grants The Old Toffs Of Toorak Their Wish To Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The most locked-down city in the world will emerge finally from their latest societal freeze tonight at midnight in what the Victorian Premier Dan Andrews calls the granting of the wishes of his many and varied critics. "Get busy living or get busy dying, you old toffs," said Andrews today in Melbourne. "You've got your wish,...

“And You Call Yourself A Cronulla Boy!” Scowls Adam Bandt After PM Greens Out During Net Zero Negotiations

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has released a short statement this afternoon saying he regrets going to see Greens leader Adam Bandt this afternoon with the goal of getting him to loosen up his definition of what carbon actually is. "I wanted to see if the Greens would come around a bit, which I admit was my...

Desperate Publican Offering Company Car And 19% Super To The Right Casual Bartender

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local publican is offering to pay handsomely for the right casual bartender as the nation grapples with a shortage of young foreigners to exploit. Norman Gordon, the publican of the Royal Lord Commercial Courthouse Railway Hotel in our town's fabled Old City District, is offering a company car, car space, paternity or maternity leave,...

‘Broke’ Inner-City Creative Finds The Perfect $17,000 Volvo Stationwagon To Complete Aesthetic

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An agency professional from our town's bohemian French Quarter says he's found the perfect car to complete his aesthetic. The vehicle that Kevin Bentpole showed our reporter was a high-kilometre Volvo stationwagon from the early 90s that looked to be completely rooted inside and out. "I just love the way it looks," he said. "And no, it...

Bondi Cafe Owner Sadly Cannot Open Without An Underclass Of Desperate Backpackers To Exploit

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Back where this latest outbreak of the Pangolin's Wrath began, a cafe owner is lamenting the fact that he can't open now that the restrictions in Sydney have been all but lifted because he doesn't have a steady stream of exploitable backpackers to work for him. Speaking from the heart, Wally Ortofellashio explained candidly to...

“The System Works” Says Man Seemingly OK With Having An Accountant Decide Our Climate Policy

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Some cunt's son from our town's leafiest enclave has said he's fine with having an accountant with zero qualifications in environmental science decide the nation's climate future. Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has the other Deputy Prime Minister Scott Morrison by the balls and he won't let go until the latter agrees to pretty...

“Challenge Accepted!” Says PM After Reserve Bank Says He Cannot Hide From A Net Zero Future

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Reserve Bank of Australia has declared that the Government cannot hide from a net zero future today as state and territory governments around the country make plans without Federal guidance. In response, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has told journalists that he has accepted the RBA's challenge and looks forward to showing the country he...

High Court Finds Clive Palmer Can Suffer In His Jocks

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The High Court of Australia has rejected beanbag with eyes Clive Palmer's bid to enter our nation's prosperous West today, leaving the mining magnate with no other option than to wait it out like the rest of the filthy East. High Court Justice Richard Tickler handed down the verdict today in Canberra, where he made...

Hungover City Worker Puts Cloth Mask On In The Morning And Almost Dies From The Stench

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An Old City District office worker has told The Advocate that the walls were closing in on him this morning as he put his cloth facemask on after last night spent at the pub. "I almost died," said Arjun Reddy, a 32-year-old art director at a local creative agency. "Being smothered by a rag that stinks...

Barnaby Pauses War On Social Media To Find Out Who Took A Shit On The Floor Of The TAB At The Dungowan Pub

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has temporarily shelved his war on social media to focus his energy on finding out who took a shit on the floor of the Dungowan Pub's TAB. Mr Joyce told reporters last week that he's going to put Twitter and Facebook to the sword after they seemingly allowed 'anonymous cowards'...

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