IN-Focus

Katter Says He Supports Federal ICAC Legislation Despite Lack Of A Guillotine Or Even A Pool Of Hungry Crocodiles To Throw Corrupt Politicians Into

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Member For Kennedy has welcomed the introduction of federal corruption watchdog legislation to the House of Representatives today, telling The Advocate that he supports it even though it doesn't include a method to "dispatch the bastards who bring the Commonwealth into disrepute". Explaining to our reporter in Canberra, Bob Katter wanted a Federal ICAC...

Optus Hacker Apologises For Everything And Says He’s Been Grounded For Entire School Holidays

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A 9-year-old boy from our nation's self-serving, sanctimonious "first state" of New South Wales has apologised for hacking into Optus and pinching the personal details of millions of people before holding them ransom for a million Australian lira. The boy, who cannot be named for legal reasons, confessed to his parents that...

“That Should Make Me Feel Better” Says Man Who Just Pumped Two Kilos Of Cheesey Bowties

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter has made himself some comfort food this afternoon because he went quite hard on the weekend now feels quite flat. "That should make me feel better," said Darcy Coleman, a 35-year-old bachelor who lives in the apartment opposite our reporter. He spoke to our reporter in the shared laundry of the apartment complex...

Halal Certification No Longer A Concern For Rednecks After A Few Years Of Genuine Drama

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTIn things you may not have thought about in absolute yonks, it has been confirmed that Halal Certification is no longer the number one concern for local rednecks following a few years of genuine drama. One of the hot-button topics of 2014, Halal Certification was a major issue for Australians that thought a picture of a ute with fishing...

Police Determine Optus Hacker Probably Isn’t In Sydney After Asking For Modest $1m Ransom

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Investigators have been able to narrow down the Optus hacker's whereabouts today after they asked for a pathetic $1m ransom that anyone on the Optus board could pay from their Everyday Saver account. Speaking to the media this morning in Sydney, Detective Declan Taylor from the Australian Federal Police (AFP) said the team was buoyed...

Optus Apologise To Customers For Extreme Privacy Breach The Only Way They Know How By Offering Free Talk And Text After 8

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The capital city shitebags caught up in the Optus data hack have been offered free talk and text after 8pm by the telco as it looks to minimise what a gargantuan fuck up they had last week. Millions of Australians who trust Optus to send their messages, connect their calls and beep beep their internet...

Perrottet: “We Will Fix Poor Student Behaviour By Employing One Boomer Advisor On A Salary Higher Than My Own”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In light of very poor behaviour from a number of students in New South Wales, the state's government is looking to employ one tired old man to act as an advisor on student behaviour and pay them an outrageous salary for their time. Premier Dominic Perrottet made the announcement yesterday when most of the country...

Likelihood Of Millennial Entering A Toxic Relationship Directly Correlated To Which Jackass Guy They Were Into

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn some truly groundbreaking psychology findings, researchers specialising in millennial relationship trends have found a startling correlation between having a crush on the Jackass crew as a teenager, and how it affects their relationships as an adult. Dividing the study into three main components - if you’re team Johnny, Bam or Steve-O, the researchers were able to accurately pinpoint...

Report: Imagine The Fucking Carry-On If This Bloke Got Flown To London

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAfter enjoying an official public holiday and a cheeky non-official one to make it a four day weekend, Australians now feel somewhat vindicated for having to hear about the Queen’s death for like two weeks now. Although every news report starts with a royal update (still dead) most Australians can at least acknowledge that the carry-on would be much...

Clarke Gayford Says ‘Churrr Australia’ For Letting Him Ride Home In Cargo Hold Of Albo’s RAAF Jet

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The polite and pensive gentleman who's married to New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has thanked Australia for letting him ride home from HM The Queen's funeral in London this week. Mr Gayford spent close to 24 hours inside the cargo hold of the RAAF VIP transport jet yesterday after taking up the offer from...

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