IN-Focus

Suburban Mum In Indian Restaurant Sounds Out Her Order In Weird Broken English Accent

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A local late 50s suburban mother of three has today debuted supreme cultural sensitivity by talking to the waitress in a way that she'll be able to understand. Local bank teller, Shannon Hayes understands that conversational Australia English can be confusing for migrant hospitality workers, that's why she speaks in a weird as fuck hybrid of English and what...

Autumn Set To Begin 6 Weeks Early In Britain

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Great British Summer is over and the reason behind it has both baffled and concerned climate scientists around the globe. In the space of just twenty-four hours, the leaves and trees in the pleasure dome that is summer in England have all turned an auburn gold - heralding the beginning of the long winter ahead. Thousands of tourists are heading...

Husky Boyfriend Polishes Off Year’s Worth Of Salt And Sugar During Opening Credits

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A moron boyfriend has nigh-on overdosed on salt and sugar this week, after ignoring the best advice of his girlfriend, again. Blake Ashford (24), a young electrician from the Golf Course Estate put his lack of self-control on full display last night as he wolfed down a large bucket of popcorn before the opening credits had finished. The well-intentioned young...

New Older Man Friend Is Dating Coincidently Makes Bank

BERNICE TWISP | Relationships | Contact Amy Henry is looking down at her phone as she mindlessly shovels a boiled chicken into her mouth. By the looks of things, many of her friends are overseas at the moment. Instagram story after Instagram story; one pal galavanting around the Greek islands; another mate is on the cusp of greening out in an Amsterdam...

Half-Sick Colleague Heroically Comes Into Work To Carry Out Duty To Make Everyone Else Sick

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A mildly unpopular bag of shit moonlighting as an account coordinator at a local multinational boutique advertising firm has today gallantly pulled himself together to come into work - despite feeling quite unwell. With a sharp bark and a runny nose to boot, Lindsay Mulliscoles slammed back two paracetamol tablets over breakfast this morning, looked himself in...

Soul Of Rapidly Gentrifying Suburb Officially Dies As ‘Dapper Gent’ Barber Shop Opens

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There was a time in the not-too-distant past where a young man - or woman - could enjoy an evening in the French Quarter and still feel like they were alive. Nights could take you anywhere. Whether it be shovelling or sticking a Class A Banned Substance into your sickly body, unprotected sex with a prostitute, a fistfight with a...

Mature-Age Student Adds Another Valuable Family-Related Anecdote To Class Discussion

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Classes have resumed at South Betoota Polytechnic College this week and one of the only journalism students without brain matter leaking out of their ears is Graham Jenkins. Not because he didn't try - but because he's 49-years-old. In JRN302 this morning, nearly everyone in class was still barely conscious after the first Silly Sunday back at Sideways Bar -...

Nurse Takes To Social Media To Remind Followers She Is, In Fact, A Nurse

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact Local nurse Zara Shipmen (35) has taken to social media as part of a bold and daring campaign to remind her friends and followers she is, in fact, a nurse. Having worked as a nurse for ten years, Shipmen appreciates that social media is a place for her to share photos of her cat, videos...

Student Disappears Into Intellectual Phase In Haze of Cafe Creme Smoke

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact After completing his first semester of university, arts student Bernard Carrol (18) has disappeared into his intellectual phase in a brooding haze of Cafe Creme smoke. Now one-sixth of the way through a degree that will earn him the respect of his mum and $30,000 in debt, Carrol has learnt that being smart can be...

Friends Of Bespectacled Man Try On His Glasses Then Say He’s Blind – If He Didn’t Know Already

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact City Worker Tom Hankton has worn glasses since the age of 6 has only today realised just how blind he is.  The revelation came about over a boozy long birthday lunch, as friend after friend had a go at trying on his glasses.  “Fuck, Tom, you are so blind!” Stated Tara, rather obviously before taking them...

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