IN-Focus

Local Big Unit Can’t Wait To Have A Few Of King Charles’ Fingers For Tea

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A specimen from our town's Heights district said he can't bloody wait to get home from work this evening and enjoy a few of King Charles' fingers for tea. Though stopped short of saying he's in for an absolute c-bomb of a day, sales manager Greg Stevens said he and his cat Tinsel are a...

Rogue Landlord Admits He Didn’t Work Hard For Property Portfolio

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAustralians enjoyed a refreshing change in the news cycle this week as local landlord Fiesel Hill (62) admitted that he hadn’t worked hard for his property portfolio.With Labor shopping around a two year rent freeze, land barons across Australia have put their hands up and said they cannot afford such an initiative without having to somehow work for...

Coincidence? UK Now Has A Tampon For A King Just Days After Announcing A Female Prime Minister

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIt can be confirmed that the woke lefties have managed to have a win in the UK after all, having managed to infiltrate the royal kingdom with their silly identity politics just days after a female Prime Minister was announced. As news broke across the world that Queen Elizabeth II had died this morning, the UK was left with...

Local Mum Takes To Facebook To Express Her Melancholy The Only Way She Knows How To These Days

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Grove mother of three has shared a touching meme today that conveys her deep sense of sadness at the passing of Queen Elizabeth II. Through the medium of Minions, Denise Wonga said she was one sad mum today and that's about it. The retired nurse declined to speak to The Advocate today regarding the...

Singled-Roomed Luxury Apartment Boosts Listing Price With Euphemistic Description Of ‘Modern Open Plan Living’

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact The listing price of a single-roomed luxury apartment in Betoota’s flight path district has doubled after Real Estate Agency, Carton’s Real Estate, listed the property online using strong descriptive language. According to the Agency’s website, the single-roomed apartment includes ‘architecturally designed free flowing spaces beloved for their flexibility and endless possibilities’. The modern open plan layout ‘toys with a...

Opinion: I AM OLD, WHITE, CANCELLED & STUCK IN CAPS LOCK

HARVEY THOMAS | Opinion | ContactHARK, THE BELL TOLLS AGAIN BUT NOT FOR WHOM BUT FOR I.IT APPEARS THAT I HAVE RUSTLED THE PLANT BASED LEAVES OF THE WOKE MINORITIES (WHO ARE LITERALLY A MAJORITY IF I’M TO BE BELIEVED) AND NOW JUST BECAUSE OF MY AGE, RACE, AND DELIBERATELY IRKSOME OPINIONS I HAVE BEEN CANCELLED.WHERE ONCE I TOWERED OVER ALL LIKE THE...

R U OK Cupcakes In Break Room Solves Mental Health Crisis Amongst Staff On 14 Hour Days In Toxic Workplace

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local law firm has today gone above and beyond to show just how much they appreciate their employees, by placing a few cartons of R U OK cupcakes in the break room and making sure to upload plenty of photos of them to LinkedIn. Located in the tallest building in the CBD, Hunter Global is considered the most...

Local Man: “Officer, I Swear It’s Just Anti-Inflammatory Powder! I Have A Bad Back! Noooo!”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter finance worker assured officers from the City of Betoota Municipal Police this afternoon that the small bag of white powder he had on him was a harmless anti-inflammatory drug and nothing nefarious as the police will allege in court. Dale Jane Cooper, of Riverrun Street in Betoota Heights, was arrested shortly...

Labor Staffer Makes Sure To Pack His New RMs For Visit To Embattled Citrus Farmers

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact One of the many new faces around Manuka's Public Bar has made sure to pack his RMs for an upcoming visit to embattled citrus farmers in the Victorian Mallee country next week. Lewis Garity is a policy advisor to the Federal Agriculture Minister, Murray Watt. That's despite having a limited practical understanding of primary production...

PM: “Don’t Worry, Things Might Get Better. You Never Know. Maybe, You’ll Win PowerBall?”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has reassured a worried public today by telling Australians that things might get better one day. Speaking to Parliament, Anthony Albanese said you never know what's around the corner when it comes to your own personal circumstances and that perhaps things will change for the better. "Don't worry," said Mr Albanese. "Things might get...

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