IN-Focus

Monday Night’s Air Of Decorum Shattered By Suburban Patriarch Yelling At Tony Jones

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "You bias prick!" he yelled as family in the next room jumped. The unsinkable Tony Jones had just rolled his eyes at Tasmanian senator Eric Abetz and cut him off with a black-handed and ultimately condescending remark - rather than let him voice his opinion. "What a fucking wanker! Karen! Get in here! Get a load of this fucking bedwetter!...

Mature Age Online Student Devastated By Inability To Interrupt Lecturer Mid Sentence

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A 48-year-old law student from Betoota Grove was left shouting at his computer today. The empty nester who saw his last child head out the door of his 5 bedroom sandstone house in Betoota’s leafy grove, was driven near to tears by what occurred while he was trying to study online. David Holt, a semi-retired accountant...

This Monday’s Existential Crisis Made Worse By The Fact It’s Almost December

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As the D45 bus from the French Quarter meandered its way through Betoota Heights and down to the Old City like the pathetic River Torres, a local city worker looked out the window at the trees and people flashing by and wondered when her ship would come in. Sam Spears, who does something in an office with a computer...

Liberals Reportedly ‘Furious’ At Jesus For Answering Prayers Of Labor Party In Victoria

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Popular secular figure Jesus Christ has told reporters this morning that he's fielded many 'foul-mouthed' and 'mean-spirited' phone calls from Liberal Party members today in the wake of the Victorian election. Mr Christ, who took time out of his busy morning of eating party pies in a hammock to speak to The Advocate, said that...

Dad’s Frequent Mailbox Runs A Decent Sign He’s Been Nabbed By A Speed Camera Again

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Eyebrows have been raised in Betoota Heights as father of three Rodney McKinnon (62) went out of his way to check the letterbox, which for his family is a sure sign he’s been nabbed by a speed camera. McKinnon’s family is aware the patriarch occasionally speeds, although it appears that none of the time he saved by speeding has...

Big Weekend: Local Tradie Hires Labourer For The Day So He’s Not Alone

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Jim Walters of JW Constructions, whose company claims to be the builder of dreams, is building anything but that today as he and his labourer sit at their work site in silence, just calcified shells of the people they once were. It’s understood that Jim hired his labourer, Robbo, to work alongside him for 8hrs purely so he didn’t...

Property Agent Impressed By Well-Hidden Bongs On House Inspection

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact While inspecting a rental property in the ruff n’ ragged Betoota Ponds district, property agent Billy ‘Bulldog’ Hodgson noted how incredibly impressed he was by the well-hidden bongs in the dilapidated fibro shack. Waiting until he was invited in before entering, Bulldog began following his nose, ignoring the Blue Tac on the walls and innumerably...

Odd Assortment Of Stolen Pub Glassware Fair Indication He’s Not Ready To Settle Down Yet

TRACEY BENDIGNER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local girl has had her suspicions confirmed this evening after opening up the glasses cupboard in her fling’s kitchen and seeing a hodgepodge collection of stolen pub glasses. “I knew in that moment that Jez wasn’t ready for a girlfriend” sighed Melanie Kryger (29). Melanie had been eager to ask Jez where he...

Villain Looks Menacingly Into Security Camera To Assert Authority

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Fear was struck into the hearts of honest men everywhere today as notorious underworld figure Dr Badman stared menacingly into the lens of a security camera to assert authority and terrifying those who were watching. After allowing himself to be taken into custody, Dr Badman was brought in for interrogation where it soon became aware that despite being chained...

Local Woman Asserts Status In Group By Asking To Sample House Rosé

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Ally Williams has impressed her friends this afternoon by pulling off a play at the bar. Enjoying a couple of 'cheeky ones' on a Friday evening after work with a few of her girlfriends, the group decided it was best to make the most of happy hour. After quickly navigating their way through a couple of cocktails, the group tentatively...

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