Bloke Named Trent Claims He Knows How To Get Out Of Jury Duty

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local chef with a questionable reputation is this evening assuring his mate’s girlfriend that he knows how to get her out of jury duty, one hundred percent. “It’s so easy” claimed Trent McPherson, a self-proclaimed jury-dodging genius. “Have you got a letter from your work?”

Straight Edge Friend Rewarded For Chaufféuring Stoned Friends To Drive-Thru

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Straight edge uni student Orin Crouch (19) has been rewarded from abstaining from drugs and alcohol by being given the honor of driving stoned friends to the drive-thru. A paramedics student, Crouch is part of the hardcore punk subculture known as straight edge, where adherents abstain from alcohol, tobacco...

Returning Uni Student Recounts O-Week Tales Like She’s The First Person To Ever Pull A Cone

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A third-year Liberal Arts major has swanned into the St Anthony’s College common room today with an air of unfounded arrogance about her. Felicity Ettelman then proceeded place herself amongst the first-year students, or as she calls them “fresher scum”. “Guys, welcome to St Anthony’s, hopefully you can handle...

Sales Assistant Loads Up Customer’s Boyfriend With Items Worth Revisiting

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT An act of unwilling cross-sentient conversion took place today as sales assistant Maddie Gunn (30) transformed the boyfriend of a shopper into a clothes rack. The couple who wish to remain anonymous, due to the boyfriend’s crippling insecurities of being seen in a women’s clothes shop, state that...

V Day Gift Hints Left Around Apartment Result In Day Late Woolies Flowers And Ferrero Rochers

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local woman Tinacity Willis couldn’t have been more obvious about what she wanted for Valentine’s Day if she tried. For the past fortnight, Tinacity has been leaving magazines open and tagging her boyfriend, Cameron, in social posts that clearly hint at what she’d like as a gift.  However, she...

40-Year-Old Man With Nose Ring Got To See Koh Phangan Before All The Tourists

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local rocker of the bald patch and nose ring combo, Vince “Vinny” Garlin (40), is currently holding hostage a group of early-20s pub-goers in an escalating situation which has involved him telling them about ‘the real Koh Phangan.’ Witnesses state the situation started when Garlin overheard the group...

Report Finds Rich People Far More Likely To Say Money Can’t Buy Happiness

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A new report released by the World Happiness Organisation (WHO) has today revealed that money can in fact buy happiness and that the only people who disagree with the statement are already filthy rich. Last June, WHO surveyed over 100,000 poor people and asked them one simple question, would...

Local Gambler One Big Multi Away From Buying Long Term Girlfriend A Ring

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Damien (Damo) and his girlfriend, Caitlin, have been dating for nearly a decade, and as the pair are getting to the pointy end of their 30s there’s one glaring topic that’s on both their minds. Marriage. Unlike most other blokes in his position, Damo has a... Admit Safety Of Suburbs Is Determined By Amount Of Abandoned Trolleys Around

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The latest safety report by real estate website Domain has been released today, outlining the safest suburbs for investors and owner-occupiers. While the suburbs on the list are not particularly surprising, the means by which they were determined is truly ground breaking. The analysts at...

Recently Accepted Business Student Treats Herself To Country Road Duffle Bag

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Sally Brent-Billings has splurged today on the back of receiving some good news. The 19-year-old living down south in the bohemian and vibrant nightlife hotspot that is the city of Sydney, did so after being informed that she had been accepted into a Business Degree.



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