IN-Focus

Shorten Vows To Turn The ABC Off At The Wall Then Turn It Back On Again

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Leader of the Opposition told reporters this morning in Melbourne that he sat with his mouth agape as he watched Four Corners last night. From the comfort of his Matt Blatt sofa within the confines of his palatial Mooney Ponds compound, Bill Shorten looked on as two of the nation's most overpaid and underworked...

Grown Man With New Laser Pointer Has Weekend Plans Sorted

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Grown man Curtis Dyson (33) officially has his weekend plans sorted after purchasing a new laser pointer. Stopping at his local two-dollar shop to inhale the smell of cheap plastic that makes all cheapy-shops smell the same, Dyson purchased a laser pointer that for only $3.95 opened up a world of opportunities for a weekend he was probably going...

Dad Validates The Existence Of Liquorice

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A recent survey by the CSIRO has confirmed that dads are the only people out there validating the existence of liquorice. The study began when scientific communities were divided on how the aniseed confectionery continued to be manufactured and sold when most people found it to be a cruel and insipid substitute for a lolly. In the 90 page report,...

#BelieveAllWomenButLetsHearFromGeoffreyRushsBarristersFirst Goes Viral In Inner-City Sydney

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the Geoffrey Rush defamation continues down in Sydney this week, inner-city elites right across the two-zero postcodes are carefully navigating through a light-hearted leftie version of victim shaming. This comes as a former co-star of Geoffrey Rush's has fronted the trial to clarify reports that he was making life uncomfortable for her with sexually inappropriate behaviour during...

Sharp Uptick In Activewear On Campus A Strong Indication It’s Exam Time

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Thanks to the strong and increased presence of activewear at the University Of Betoota this month, The Advocate can confirm that exams are in fact on. This comes after the university reported a 75% rise in sports and gym clothing on campus over the last week. The uni's Vice Chancellor Jenny Payton told us that she doesn't even bother checking the academic...

Sunburnt Toowoomba Man Somehow Finds Himself At The Theatre After Big Day At The Track

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT It is still yet to be confirmed how a borderline comatose young man has managed to find his way somewhere this evening. 28-year-old Council Engineer Aaron Jones has somehow made his way to the Empire Theatre in Toowoomba tonight. The young man who could barely give The Advocate a ballpark estimate regarding his alcohol consumption over the course of the day explained...

SportsBet’s Commitment To No BS Cup Day Includes Planned Upgrade Instead Of Taking Bets

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Punters all up and down the Betoota Turf Club beer garden are on the cusp of folding their iPhones in half and throwing them to the shithouse after a number of sports betting apps have spectacularly shit the bed on the biggest day of the year. All of them - except SportsBet. Rather than capitulate to...

Bloke Pre-Drinking Outside Flemington Dressed In Exact Same Shit He Wore To Court Last Week

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Like many others around the country, Dane Rathbone has frocked up in his best today. One of the biggest days on the nation's calendar, Rathbone has decided to go all out wearing his best kit - the kit he usually saves for his annual court appearances. Breaking out the black suit and the white shoes he wore to a hearing...

Virgin Say They Will Also Salute All Hospitality Staff Who Work A Melbourne Cup

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Bartenders, waitresses, cellarmen, managers, licensees, glassies and other assorted hospitality staff who've served during a Melbourne Cup will be saluted by Virgin Australia from next year under a controversial plan to raise awareness of the many sacrifices made by our nation's hospitality staff during the nation's biggest race day. The airline has pledged to let Cup veterans board ahead...

Bar Staff Phone Their Loved Ones Before Going To War Against The Tarocash Army Today

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Nearly a thousand infantrymen from the Imperial Tarocash Army are expected to invade the Betoota Turf Club general admission area today to watch the Melbourne Cup on the big screen - which has prompted the club's hospitality staff to phone their loved ones ahead of battle today. Because the harsh reality of the situation is that while horses will...

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