IN-Focus

Social Media Manager Stresses Over Report No One Will Read

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It was a busy first week of the month for social media manager Lizzy Dowling (28) who spent a continuous 96-hour stretch stressing out over a report no one will read. With a degree in Communications worth slightly less than the paper it is printed on (plus a debt that will last until her 50s) Dowling fell into...

Local Woman Just Not Pulling Off The AirPods

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact In a bid to modernise her look, Betoota Cove woman, Jacinta Fraser (27), last week paid $230 AUD for a pair of Apple AirPods. However, the reception from her friendship circle and work colleagues is a fair indicator that her brand upgrade just isn’t working. According to one friend, Jacinta just looks like a massive spoon. “I don’t know what she...

Morrison Sports Von Dutch Trucker Hat In Latest Attempt To Distract Nation

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister was seen wearing a Von Dutch trucker hat this morning in Canberra as he looks to distract the nation from the dubious anti-encryption laws that both he and Bill Shorten passed earlier this week. In addition to that, Scott Morrison's government is set to be the first government in almost 90 years to have legislation knocked...

Man Unfit To Operate Barbecue Posts Picture With Baby Niece

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A small town social media bubble has been swept with an eerie silence today as social media user Darren Noble (32) uploaded a picture of himself holding his baby, niece despite the fact he cannot even be trusted to operate a barbecue. Despite holding down a job as a full-time drummer, Noble has somewhat of a reputation in...

Orange Juice Wages War On Freshly Brushed Teeth

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The United Nations is under pressure to officially condemn orange juice after the fruit beverage launched a vicious attack on a set of freshly brushed teeth. In the developing situation, incompetent university student Jamie Dwyer (19) received a brutal strike attack to his freshly brushed teeth after swigging a mouthful of orange juice directly from a bottle that...

Silly Season Kicks Off As Cheryl From Accounts Declares Self ‘Lit’ In Potential HR Disaster

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT It's official, the silly season is here! The declaration was made moments ago at a popular bar in Betoota's Old City District, by a 40-year-old mother of two named Cheryl. Cheryl Harrigan officially kicked off the festive season this evening when she informed her colleagues that she was 'lit.' With her husband out of town for a golf weekend and...

Pocock’s Off Season Plans Sorted After Adani Mine Receives Green Light

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Prominent ball pilferer David Pocock was chuffed to announce this morning that his plans for the rugby offseason have now been sorted as the Adani Carmichael Mine in Central Queensland recieved the green light yesterday. Speaking to the media this morning outside his humble Canberra red brick, the 30-year-old said he'd been wondering what he was...

Smudge Says He’s Already Beaten India Anyway And Cricket Australia Can Suck On That

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Fresh from being denied a chance to have his cricketing ban shortened or perhaps even liften, former Test captain Steve 'Smudge' Smith has told journalists outside his Sydney home that he's already beaten India this summer anyway and Cricket Australia can suck on that. "I'm not telling them how I did it, either," said Smith. "It's...

Senate Told They’ll Have To Wait Until Council Cleanup In May To Dispose Of Their Toxic Garbage

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Federal Senators have been told they'll have to wait until the May council cleanup in Canberra next year to get rid of the toxic garbage that's preventing them from serving the public in an appropriate manner. The news was met with sighs across the chamber. One of the loudest being Greens leader Richard Di Natale, who...

Selfish, Self-Centred And Rain-Delayed Sydney Commuters Urged To Consider The Farmers

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Stressed, late for work and her favourite reality television amateur chef got eliminated last night. Margot Flower is pissed off. The bubbly Sydneysider's commute to work this morning has been ruined because of the record-breaking rain that the hell hole is currently experiencing. However, upon her arrival to work, her grievances with the weather were quickly shot down by the NSW Premier...

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