IN-Focus

Historians Conclude Meek Kid With Allergies From Primary School May Not Have Had Karate Black Belt After All

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Former students have reacted with surprise this week after a new report found the quiet kid in primary school who was allergic to everything may not have been a fully certified black belt in karate, despite his constant claims to have mastered the Japanese martial art.  “Wow, did...

Report: Chocolate Digestives Will Have To Do

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Dan Wells had been enjoying a well-deserved rest at his nans when he was invited to a house party on the north side of town. Armed with his granddad's stash of cheap red wine, and not keen to stop at Woolies on the way, Dan had gone rifling...

Uber Launches New Shopping Trolley Delivery Service For Drunk Shenanigans

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Ride-share and food delivery company Uber is stepping further into the post-inebriation market with a revolutionary new service connecting drunk patrons with shopping trolleys.   “It was just common sense really," explained an Uber spokesperson. “The two most common scenarios at the end of a...

Huntsman Hiding Under Visor Patiently Waits Until After Motorist Gets On The Motorway To Show Itself

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Harry the huntsman has grown tired of his new home. It’s not like he has any better place to live, but after two months of hiding underneath a car visor, he suddenly feels the urge to mysteriously dart out into the open. As a huntsman, it’s...

Selfish Astrologist Refuses To Give Pandemic An End Date

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Since being declared a pandemic on March 11 2020, the fight against COVID-19 has been the backdrop to some of the most valiant acts of community and decency.  Unfortunately, the place where this is least evident is the office of Internet Astrologist, Virgo and Herbalife Sales Rep Lilly Haagmorf...

Feminists Report Sharp Spike In Empowerment After Byron Influencer Posts Black And White Box Gap

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking international news, a sharp spike in female empowerment has been detected today, as the Challenge Accepted challenge goes viral. The latest social media challenge has celebrities, influencers, and aspiring influencers posting black and white selfies to show appreciation for other women using the hashtags #ChallengeAccepted...

“Whatcha Doing?” Asks Local Man Who Knows Exactly What’s Going On

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT With the strange laws policing the dancing at nightclubs, many people have instead turned to throwing house parties - which in all honesty they were probably doing during the height of COVID anyway. The girls at 328 Daroo Road have gladly taken on this responsibility as their rooftop apartment...

Report Finds Blokes Name Called Mitch Are Still Loving This Coronavirus/Beer Gag

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It may be some time before we see the return of live comedy but that doesn’t mean the laughter has died for good. Highly contagious COVID-19, commonly known as Coronavirus, has been classified by the World Health Organisation as a global pandemic with an estimated 11 million cases, resulting...

Report: Turns Out Mate’s Cousin’s Fiancé Doesn’t Actually Work On Set Of Reality TV Show

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news from Betoota's Old City District, it can be revealed that a local bloke's mate's cousin's fiancé doesn't actually work on the set of a popular reality TV show - or at least doesn't have that much of a role at all. This comes after...

Local Woman Scans Email Draft For A Suitable Place To Pop In An Exclamation Mark

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT As she rewrites her email for the fifth time, local woman Nadia Toomes feels like the tone is a bit off. It’s not like the email is important, given that it’s only a quick note to one of the juniors but Nadia worries that the constructive feedback has...

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