IN-Focus

Exciting Crypto Ad Must Have Been Made A Long Time Ago

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact The Advocate recently received email correspondence linking us to an exciting new crypto commercial. In the commercial, upbeat and lifting music follows a Hollywood A-list celebrity striding through several amazing life moments, saying things like “fortune favours the brave” and “the future of money is here” in reference to cryptocurrency. Reviewing the commercial, our reporter was jazzed, and immediately reopened...

Brisbane Actually Wondering What The Fuck They’ll Do For Ten Years

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTIn a sentence that still feels weird to type even after a good couple of fact checks, last month marked 10 years until Brisbane will host the Summer Olympics.Although not much is known about the upcoming games, Fortitude Valley cab rank has been confirmed as venue for the judo, Powderfinger are confirmed for the opening ceremony, and burnout...

“No, Let The Bird Watch. He Needs To See What He’s Done,” Says Rugby CEO Hamish McLennan Clutching The Marketing Pigeon

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Assigning blame for the Wallabies' dubious loss to the All Blacks last night in the dying minutes of the contest is difficult and pointless, according to Rugby Australia this morning. However, news this afternoon that the usually softly-spoken boss of Rugby Australia, Hamish McLennan, grabbed the common rock pigeon responsible for the sporting code's entire...

Paul Murray Overtakes Crystal Meth As #1 Cause Of Families Falling Apart

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTIn a rare good news story, crystal meth has been demoted to second place as the number one cause of Australian households falling apart.Unfortunately, what has overtaken it is just as addictive, harmful, and seemingly available at all hours of the day.At the time of writing, Sky News presenter Paul Murray is now the number one reason that...

Lump Of Ice Cold Fermented Cow’s Milk Fails To Lubricate Excessively Dense Pub Wedges

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactKnown for being a pub delicacy that’s hard to polish off by yourself due to its indisputable enjoyment to ‘I'm fucking over it’ ratio, the humble plate of wedges can be spotted at every RSL, gastro pub and tavern, and is most often picked when you can’t think of what else to get. At Betoota Ponds most popular tavern,...

Man Finds Himself Screaming “You Heavy Piece Of Fucking Shit!” At His Work-Issued Lenovo ThinkPad Again

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A city worker who brings great shame upon his employer by working from home two days a week has found himself yet again screaming at his work-issued Lenovo ThinkPad. The screams were loud enough to wake Michael Rust's flatmate, who told The Advocate today that it's not a rare occurrence these days. Kevin Advil works overnight...

Rugby Australia’s Marketing Pigeon Takes The Month Off Because Melbourne Goes To Everything

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The pigeon that runs the entire marketing department at Rugby Australia has been given the month off because this year's Bledisloe Cup fixture is in Melbourne and they go to anything. As the self-titled capital of Australian Sport, the denizens of the City Of Melbourne pride themselves on leaving their rat holes at night for...

“You Look Way Better Without Makeup” Says Supportive Boyfriend

INGRID DOULTON | Firearms | Contact A local man threw his support behind his domestic partner yesterday evening as they prepared to go out for a casual dinner with friends. Betoota Heights electrician Lewis Davis was simply asking what the hold-up was as he was ready to go after having a shower and changing clothes. His defacto, Kate Taylor, explained that she...

Vegan Earth Child Prances Through Beautiful Canola Crop That’s Had More RoundUp Sprayed On It Than The MCG

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A social media personality from our town's progressive French Quarter has broken protocol today and posed with a canola crop that's had more glyphosate dumped on it than any golf course or cricket ground in the country. When she's not chaining herself to farm equipment or abusing other members of our community in the...

Rental Property With Only One Inspection Time Clearly Wants Applicants To Battle It Out Anchorman Style

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights studio advertised on Realestate.com has weirdly provided only one viewing option this Saturday, despite the entire country being in the midst of a rental crisis. With reports of renters being forced to cough up up to 30% more to rent or join the many people currently battling it tough living in tents, it’s easy to see...

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