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Office Worker’s Current Monday Afternoon Existential Crisis Might Stem From Huge Weekend

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A youngish man broke the monotony of an afternoon from hell by retiring to the restroom for the sole purpose of looking himself in the mirror. Our reporter, who was in the said restroom when Peter Pooley walked in, sat silently in a cubical playing Snakes and Ladders on his phone. Peter let out a long sigh and started talking...

Queenslander Looks Down His Nose At Those Rednecks In Victoria Who Only Elected 1 Greens MP

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man has revealed his disappointment at the state of the nation today. Speaking to The Advocate in the wake of the 2022 federal election, Darren Munster explained that he can't believe how backward some of his fellow Australians are. "Look don't get me wrong, it's good to see a change of government from my perspective, but...

Big Unit Gladly Supports School Election Bake Sale By Inhaling Three Of His Old Year 3 Teacher’s Fairy Cakes

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local big man is enjoying the sweet taste of democracy this morning, stopping by an election bake sale to support his old primary school. Standing in front of a buffet spread of homemade muffins, cakes and the ever popular Mars Bar slice, it’s understood local unit Dylan Cotter has begun searching deep into his pockets for...

“At Least Ya Know What Ya Get With The Libs” Says Man With Rather Impressive Pain Threshold

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Betoota Heights man has today revealed an impressive fact about his character. Speaking to our reporters ahead of tomorrow's federal election, Jason Andrews revealed that he's sticking with the tried and tested tomorrow. "Better the devil you know," said the man with a clearly very impressive pain threshold. The comfortably employed homeowner and father of two said...

“You Promised Australia You’d Change!” Says Poor Jenny After Seeing Scotty’s Search History

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Trouble in almost paradise was stirred this week as Jenny Morrison made the morality-killing mistake of looking at her husband’s search history. Earlier in the week, Scotty from Marketing made the not at all unreliable decrease that he ‘swears he can change’, perfectly fulfilling the on again/off again boyfriend persona he has been to the Australian people.  However, a quick...

New Jurassic Sequel To Focus On All The Liberal Party Fossils Scotty Has Wheeled Out This Week

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some exciting news for the overlap of a Venn diagram that is blockbuster hits and Australian politics, the new Jurassic Park movie is going to have an exciting twist. Coming to cinemas near you, the film is set to feature a sensational new cast of dinousaurs, and all from our very own continent. The blockbuster hit is...

Campaign Review Committee Set To Hit Prime Minister With A Huge Ban After Sickening High Shot

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's Prime Minister looks like he could be facing a huge stint on the sidelines, after a controversial tackle today. Just days out from the federal election, Scott Morrison looks like he could be rubbed out of the game for some weeks after a mistimed tackle saw him make direct contact with a small child's head. The...

Resources And Financial Services Sectors Meet To Allocate Crop Of Outgoing Federal Politicians

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In the confines of a boardroom bathed in natural light, a major meeting for the future of the country has taken place today. Hailing from all corners of Sydney, Melbourne and Perth's inner CBD's, powerful figures within the resources and financial services sectors have today met to discuss an urgent matter of business. Who takes the latest crop...

United Australia Commercial Causes Local Man To Lose Enough Brain Cells To Vote For Them

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A father of 2 is in a concerning state today after tragically being exposed to the full length of a United Australia Party television commercial last night.  Dean Goode, 43, was watching television alone in his Chatswood home when his show was interrupted by a commercial break. Like all forms of Australian media it contained a UAP commercial, which...

Real Estate Agent Concerned Locals Might Forget His Face Amongst All This Signage

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local real estate agent is hot on the phone this morning, calling around to inquire about the possibility of plastering his face on Betoota’s biggest roadside billboard. After weeks of driving the streets of Betoota, which are currently littered with election posters, it’s understood property pusher Gareth Kevins (31) is getting nervous that locals are beginning...

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