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Straight Guy In Gay Bar Still Yet To Learn He Doesn’t Have To Smile At Everyone

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local straight man Brendan Cootes was taken by his girlfriend Elise Ng to a gay bar yesterday, something that was a bit of an eye-opener for the regional man. “Yeah Elise wanted to go because her workmate was doing a bit of drag and I said ‘Yeah why not!’” stated Cootes. “It was mad as ” According to Cootes’...

Kookaburras Really Reacting Quite Inappropriately To Elderly Woman Having A Fall

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A shocking display of disrespect to one of the town’s oldest and most respected figures took place in Betoota Ponds today. Head of the Betoota chapter of the Queensland CWA Norma Binns was walking her prized showdog Diana the Third when she slid on a hot chip, fell over. Witness accounts state that as residents aided Binns, a flock...

Pet Appearing Out Of Nowhere To Lick Leg Ignites Fight Or Flight Response

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Though living alone can be quite peaceful and allow the opportunity to be an absolute pig without judgment, it does have its shortcomings. Namely, mysterious sounds are about ten times scarier, as is a surprise visitor in your shower. It’s alleged local woman Natalie Davis had been enjoying a hot shower after a long day at work when she’d...

Bloke At Job Interview Forced To Act Like He Cares About Company’s Founding Fathers

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A perfectly normal man had to suffer a corporate indignity today during a job interview at a company that must really think they are one for the textbooks. During a job interview at the Betoota branch of an American advertising agency, graphic designer Nick Strine (38) was forced to act like he cared about the corporation’s long-dead founding fathers. The...

Local Woman Investigates Boyfriend’s Snapchat Score After Being Left On Read For Half An Hour

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT As she absentmindedly chews at a loose piece of skin next to her thumb, a nervous Selena Roberts flips her phone over for the seventh time that hour. She keeps telling herself not to freak out, that her boyfriend is likely playing video games or watching some dumb shit on YouTube, but she always feels that little bit...

Young Liberals Expel Member After Finding Out He Isn’t A Christian Weirdo Who Sucks At Sport

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Betoota bloke, Baden Corkerson has today had his Young Liberals membership terminated, after it was revealed that he isn't a psycho Christian loser with nothing on his CV but a law degree that will never see the light of day. Corkerson's expulsion from the brownshirts was voted on at a local branch meeting in the function room of...

Melbourne Man Interested To See What 72 Hours Looks Like At Revs With These Seated-Only Rules

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After nearly a full year of locked-down days, one Melbourne man says he can't wait for the clock to strike midnight tonight. Speaking to us via telephone this afternoon, Frankston Fitzroy (32) explained that he's still in a bit of a daze ahead of the re-opening in a matter of hours. From midnight, Melbourne's lockdown restrictions are set...

Multi-Millionaire Who Bought 1st Home For 45k Says These Kids Expect Everything Handed To Them

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local 64-year-old retiree has today revealed one of the big flaws of modern society. Speaking to The Advocate after a morning on the course at the prestigious Royal Betoota Golf Club, Ern Tidelman explained that these new generations 'want everything handed to them on a platter.' "They just want it all to be easy," said the man...

Fuck Yeah: The Jacarandas Are Back On

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In great news for Queenslanders and and a few suburbs in the Southern cities, the jacaranda trees are back in bloom. The jacaranda is a genus of 49 species of flowering plants in the family Bignoniaceae, native to tropical and subtropical regions of Mexico, Central America, South America, Cuba, Hispaniola, Jamaica and the Bahamas - but have been intensively introduced in North New South Wales and the Queensland Great-South-East. The purple flower of the...

Lingering Pause At End Of Awkward Date Prompts Woman To Pop On Kiss Deflecting Mask

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Local woman Rochelle Keough is sick of the dating scene. After several failed dates, ranging from lack of chemistry to clear signs of psychopathy, Rochelle is now experiencing some major Bumble burnout. But at the age 28, Rochelle had unfortunately fallen victim to the societal expectation that being a single woman in her 30s was a fate worse than death,...

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