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“Oh Trust Us, It’s Totally Fine” Laughs Owner Of Coal Mine Leaking Poisonous Gas Next To Major City

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The owners of an abandoned coal mine spewing out dangerous emissions on the fringe of Australia’s biggest city have today moved to assure everyone that everything is sweet. “Hahaha chillllllllll guys,” laughed a spokesperson for South32, who owns the mine in question.  “It’s all sweet, don’t worry about it.”  “Trust us, it’s fineeeeee,” explained the operator of the Appin Mine, whose...

Like This Post If You Think Sydney Sweeney Should Be The Next President Of The United States

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the race to the Whitehouse becomes to heat up, The Betoota Advocate has decided to break it's strict apolitical position and put forward a left field candidate. With Joe Biden officially pulling out of contention for the Democratic nomination in this November's US election, our humble regional newspaper is calling for Sydney Sweeney to be the 47th...

Little Brother Finally Gets A Win After Being Given The Good Controller

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT It's been a big weekend for a young man from Melbourne. Brighton's Oscar Piastri has finally managed to win a game of Formula 1, after being given the decent controller last night. The historic moment for the second most famous person to come out of Brighton (after the park walk lady), follows a long couple of years of...

Biden Downloads Strava And Joins Delaware Run Club After Making The Decision To Focus On Self Care

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The President of The United States has today made big call. Joe Biden has confirmed to The Advocate that he's deciding to focus upon himself, and join the Delaware Run Club. This comes after Biden confirmed that he would be dropping out of this year's Presidential Election Campaign, this morning Australian time. After the disaster debate a few...

Local Man Prepares To Break Prolonged Dry Spell After Taking Up Bazlenka And KP’s Hygiene Routine

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man is today preparing to turn his life around after getting served up ads of KP and Bazlenka repping a new deodorant. Following one of the longer dry spells in his sharehouse, (so long that his mates no longer even joke about it) Brayden Williams says it’s time to get serious about getting back on the open...

Real Actual Irishman Confirms That Splitting The G Means A Perfect Line Between The Harp And Text

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A County Coogee resident has today delivered a firm verdict on a contentious issue. Up in the Channel Country visiting a high school mate from Kerry who has landed on a job site out on Betoota Plains Development Road, Conner Sheehan has explained what exactly it means to 'Split the G.' "No like, it's between the fucking Harp...

Rare Footage Of Devonport Locals Emerges After Drone Flies Over Tasmanian Outpost

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT International human rights group Survival International has today released another sensational batch of images, capturing the lifestyle of a remote group of people on Australian shores. They've released pictures and footage of Devonport tribespeople engaging in their remote and relatively uncaptured lifestyle. This follows Survival International capturing incredible images of the Mashco Piro, another uncontacted Indigenous tribe in...

Modern Fusion Michelin Star Restaurant Still Unable To Replicate The Glory Of Mum’s Keens Curried Sausages

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A fancy la de da establishment in Betoota’s French Quarter is this week having a come to Jesus moment.  The culinary minds behind Le Voleur Moucheté have had the realisation today, that no matter how hard they try, they will never be able to replicate the beauty, the guile and the divinity of mum’s sumptuous curried sausages. A staple of...

“Where’s Ya Queensland Spirit Now Ya Dumb Pricks” Says NSW

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The State of NSW has today launched enquiries as to the whereabouts of a notable rugby league phenomena. Just hours after a historic win for the cockroaches at Lang Park, NSW has politely asked the state of Queensland (and the stupid out of state turncoats who go for them); "Where's ya Queensland spirit now ya dumb pricks." This...

Queensland Rugby League Reveals Sensational Last Minute Change Of Referee For Origin Decider

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The head honchos of Queensland Rugby League have this evening pulled off a sensational coup. In a stunning development from Caxton Street, just metres from the spiritual home of State of Origin, the allotted referee for tonight's game has been locked in at the Caxton Hotel. Set to take the whistle for the decider in the 2024 series,...

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