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4th Grade Spin Bowler Pulls A British Supermodel After Splashing A Bit Of SW On His Neck

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The announcement that cricketing great Shane Warne has launched his first fragrance has been well received by husky grade cricketers right around the country today. Finally, the missing piece of the puzzle can be rammed into place - for all of the diehard clubmen out there who are still...

Train Station Drunk Who Wants To Know What Your Problem Is May Not Be Qualified Psychologist

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Commuters at the Betoota South-Northern Interchange were in shock this week after it was revealed the inebriated man who constantly staggers around Platform 17 asking people what their problem is may not actually be a qualified psychologist after all. “I was horrified. It’s such an invasion of privacy”...

Economic Downturn: Banks Now Only Lending Money To People Who Don’t Need It

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact In a worrying indication of the state of the economy, Australia’s major banks have today admitted they are only prepared to loan money to those who don’t need to borrow it. Under the scheme, loans will only be offered to customers who have not asked for one, whilst...

“I Know You Don’t Wanna Hear This. But Gotdam It Was Worth It” Says Melbourne Security Guard

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The catastrophic second wave of COVID-19 cases currently reigning terror on Melbourne has been directly linked to guards making tender love to Aspen ski bunnies, a new inquiry has found. The inquiry launched by the Victorian government into protocol breaches by security guards overseeing hotel quarantine had led to...

Week To Week Casuals Told To Isolate If They Feel Unwell And Get A Pay Day Loan Or Whatever

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation has been reminded again today that anyone feeling unwell, or who has come into contact with anyone feeling unwell, or who has been in a suburb where people have contracted the virus should be staying at home. The calls come as Victoria faces it's the darkest...

Victoria To Just Start Testing For People Who Don’t Have COVID-19 At This Point

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Victoria has this morning recorded the biggest single day increase in Australia since the COVID-19 pandemic began. Health authorities have today confirmed over 700 confirmed cases of the novel coronavirus, numbers that are well above the initial influx of Cedar Meats and Ruby Princess clusters. The...

Retail Employee Admits She’s Started Profiling Karens

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the fallout out from the latest Karen behavior continues to spread far and wide, one local retail employee has admitted that it has started to affect her behaviour. 22-year-old physiotherapist graduate Ashley Sims who is currently working in retail because there's not a whole lot of jobs...

Star City Offers NSW Government Double Or Nothing On $5000 Fine

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact The NSW State Government may be about to hit the jackpot after Sydney’s Star Casino offered double or nothing on the $5000 fine it received after breaching COVID-19 regulations earlier this month. On July 11th, Compliance Officers from Liquor and Gaming NSW inspected the venue and noticed patrons...

Tradesman Incredibly Impressed By Customer Who “Could Have Done It Myself If I Had The Time”

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Built-in Wardrobe installer Barry Hotchkiss from Hotchkiss Wardrobes and Shower Screens thought he was about to perform a regular install on Thursday, but was pleasantly surprised when he was greeted by a homeowner who assured him that he could have easily constructed the wardrobe himself; if only he had the time.

Report: Driving Away As Someone Reaches For Door Handle Never Not Funny

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact A newly-released report has found that there is a 0% chance that driving away just as a mate is reaching for the vehicle’s external door handle will be anything other than hilarious. The report, commissioned by the Australian Centre for Vehicular Comedy found that all survey respondents exhibited strong signs of...

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