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Changing Channel Prompts Dad To Wake From Deep REM Sleep To Point Out He Was Actually Watching That

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT A Betoota Grove teen has today had the fright of his life, when he tried to change the TV channel. It’s alleged Peter Grisham had wandered into the lounge room after growing bored of his computer, hoping to pass the next few hours by finding something to watch. Spying his snoozing father passed out on the couch, Peter was...

State Government Successfully Repurposes Asbestos Riddled Public Housing Into Foreign Student Accommodation

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT With international borders opening up, the state government has been putting plans into action to make some of those sweet international student dollars. Pinballing between tearing down historic buildings for new student accommodation and repurposing existing properties, a government worker hit the absolute jackpot when they spotted a dilapidated building a mere ten minutes from the Betoota Polytechnic campus. Jacqui...

Newly Freed City Woman Quietly Dreaming Of A Saturday Night On The Couch

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Melbourne woman has today revealed she kinda wouldn’t mind if things went back to how they used to be - even if just for a weekend or two.  As a result of the silly season crossing over with the release from what feels like an eternity of lockdowns, Rachel Marsh says the last few weeks have taken there...

Girlfriend Reckons It’s Actually Financially Reckless To Let The Black Friday Deals Pass Her By

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Betoota Heights woman has laughed off suggestions today that she might be getting a little too excited.  With the Black Friday/Cyber Monday sales in full swing, Natalie Vo says her boyfriend has raised his eyebrows at her plundering of online retailers.  “It’s literally stupid not to cash in right now,” she laughed to her boyfriend Tom. “Besides, it’s coming out...

Local Woman Cancels Microdermabrasion Appointment After Kissing Bloke With Stubble

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT A lucky woman has managed to get an expensive skin treatment for free, after being spotted pashing a random bloke in Betoota Grove’s Irish bar, ‘Finn McDuffs.’ It’s alleged Gwen Hocking and her friends had ventured into the bar late afternoon, where they were quickly surrendered by a group of Irish men, whose compliments and attempts at flirting were...

Perth Anti-Vaxxer Apparently Still Waiting On Research That He’ll Just Dismiss As Fake Anyway

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT With the nation’s Golden west joining Queensland in dragging the chain when it comes to getting jabbed up, a Perth man has revealed why he’s holding out.  Proud Sangroper Wayne Roo explained that he’s not going to go and be a guinea pig in some global experiment – despite the 3.3 billion people fully jabbed up.  “Sorry I’m not at...

“Haha, Nah” Say Coalition MPs In Response To Renewed Calls For A Federal Corruption Watchdog

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Coalition has today explained to The Advocate why a Federal Independent Commission Against Corruption, or similar watchdog type body isn’t necessary. “Listen here, us blokes don’t have anything to hide, and therefore we don’t need a serious Federal body to investigate any behaviour that may be deemed suspicious,” said Prime Minister Scott Morrison in his most blokey voice. “Our Federal politicians...

Former Emo’s Muscle Memory Triggers Her Thumbs To Search For Holes In Hoodie Sleeve

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT If you looked at local woman Shae Norris, you'd never think she was a reformed emo. As pretty much the poster girl for all things clean-cut, Shae hadn't touched a kohl eyeliner or had an unnatural hair colour since 2007 - though admittedly, she had gone to an emo themed party a few months ago at the behest...

Dutton’s Defamation Trial Finds That He Has Feelings, And He Doesn’t Like Them Being Hurt

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's Defence Minister has today succeeded in getting 35,000 dollars out of an Australian with a Twitter account after he managed to prove that he is capable of feeling emotions. Peter Dutton snagged the win in the Federal Court of Australia, proving that the tweeter defamed him by saying a nasty thing on the internet. The issue...

Bureau Of Meteorology Declares Hot Girl Summer To Be Postponed Until 2022

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT In sad news, the Bureau of Meteorology has today declared that hot girl summer is postponed until 2022, disappointing many young women who were looking forward to being unapologetically themselves this December. Spokeswoman Sharon Carter tells The Advocate that due to La Nina, Aussies can expect a wet summer, as plenty of rainfall is expected across Queensland and New...

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