Breaking News

Realistic Woman Postpones Her Self-Improvement Goals And Hobbies Until Next Global Pandemic

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After a couple of months of optimism, Elena Jurkic has today decided to bite the bullet and postpone her iso-goals until next time. This follows nearly 10 weeks of talking about committing to learning how to make jewelry, working on the post-iso-bod, and, for some reason, brushing up...

Children Of Pokie Addicts Were Starting To Get A Bit Sick Of All The Fresh Groceries Anyway

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Alisa Wilson (12) from Betoota Heights says she's 'pretty keen for things to return to normal now.' "Schools back, sports gonna be back soon, and so are the pubs," the child of poker machine addicts explained to us today. "So while it was nice...

Number Of Weirdos In Australia At Record Highs After Months Of Homeschooling

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Just when you thought it was safe to go outside! Initially, his proposed protocols to combat COVID-19 left many unsure if they were able to get a haircut or why boot camp classes got a special shout out, but we seem to be past the worst of it, and...

Politically Active Uni Student Struggling To Make This Pandemic About Her

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT University campuses are one of the most dangerous places for infection in the world and during the COVID-19 pandemic, they have only gotten worse. One such student who is suffering is Lee Silva (22) who as a politically active youth at Betoota University is really struggling to make this...

20-Something Woman Suffers Flashbacks Walking Past Group Of Giggling Hot High School Chicks

EFFIE BATEMAN | Brisbane | CONTACT Still to this day, local woman Lilly Ellis wishes she was cool. In her teen years, Lilly had attempted multiple times to rebrand her dorky image into something far more mysterious, but admits now that smudged kohl eyeliner and selective muteness was less Effy Stonem and more weird...

1918 Spanish Flu Outbreak Linked To 5G Telegram Network

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Critics of the perfectly sensible, logical link between mobile telephone transmission towers and a respiratory virus were silenced today when a respected conspiracy theorist discovered a similar link between the 1918 Spanish Flu Outbreak and the 5G Telegram Network which had recently been rolled out only decades prior. “I...

Local Woman Browses Friend’s Hen’s Party Invite List For Henemies

INGRID DOULTON | Culture | Contact Brooke Evans has concentrated for the hardest time today, after receiving the Facebook invite to her friends Hen's night. Quickly scouring the details, she explained that she is quickly sussing out whether any of her 'henemies' will be there. A 'henemy' is usually a...

“So, This Is Life Huh?” Wonders Women Re-Starting Sitcom Series From 25 Years Ago

EFFIE BATEMAN | Brisbane | CONTACT For local woman Tessa Thoms, watching Friends used to be a guilty pleasure she only indulged in annually whenever she felt the urge for a hit of nostalgia. Now, at age 27, Tessa finds herself turning to the iconic sitcom as a way to escape from the nonstop...

PM Responds To Claims He Had Direct Involvement In Sports Rort: “The Pubs Are Open Again!!!!”

LOUIS BURKE | Pubs | CONTACT Australian Prime Minister Scotty from Marketing is leading the preferred party leadership polls after switching things up and deciding to spend a crisis in the country he has been elected to run for a change. Although Scotty has received praise from all news and media outlets, including even...

Forgetful Warehouse Employee Walks Past Pallet Jack Without Trying To Ride It

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT In a stark reminder of the dangers posed by negligence in the workplace, an employee of Betoota Transport and Logistics has walked right past a stationary, unloaded pallet jack, without even attempting to ride it. “I don’t know what I was thinking” explained a shaken Brian Cox.

Social

743,297FansLike
599,351FollowersFollow
63,405FollowersFollow

Breaking News