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Local Patriot Who Worships Ned Kelly And Chopper Disgusted By Egg Boy’s Civil Disobedience

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local far-right activist whose main interest outside sharing Neo-Nazi memes is his fetishising of Australian criminal folklore, says he is absolutely disgusted by the actions of egg boy. With several tattoos paying homage to both Ned Kelly and Chopper Read, local patriot Wyatt Bokken has today called for...

Australia Left In Shock After Witnessing Sincere And Competent Politician

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has created great confusion for the Australian audiences watching her press conferences over the last 48 hours. As the whinier-vowel neighbours of New Zealand, Australians are not familiar with a politician, or leader, who appears to be good at doing their job under...

Scientists Uncover First Ever Woman To Be Happy With How She Looks In Passport Photo

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Scientists at the CSIRO Betoota Site revealed today that they have uncovered something that could be truly life changing to women across Australia, and potentially the world. The announcement came from Nigel Osmand, the lead researcher behind the breakthrough. “We never thought it would be possible...

Ewww: Bride’s Cousin Catches The Garter

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact A function space full of wedding guests let out a collective shudder last night as cousin of the bride Eric Kier (24) caught the garter. As society continues to demand gender equality, the archaic wedding tradition of the ‘bouquet toss’ continues to be balanced out by the exceedingly popular...

Indigenous Woman Facing Jail For Unpaid Fines Applies For Priesthood

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact In a bold attempt at receiving a more lenient sentence, a young Indigenous woman without favour or finance has applied for a spot in the priesthood. The remote mother of two did so after realising that she was about to go before the judge on minor charges without...

Nation Forced Into Most Productive Morning Of Work Since Early 2010

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The country's workforce has been coerced into being incredibly productive this morning, as most of the major social media platforms struggle with technical issues. In pleasant news for the nation's employers, and middle managers who enjoy riding their employees to validate their existence, all platforms owned by Facebook...

Two Surfers End Up In Brawl After Disagreeing On Who Was More Stoked

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Two surfers have ended up in a brawl this afternoon after the two long-haired yahoos couldn’t agree on who was more stoked. The brawl took place on the shores of Betoota’s man-made wave dam out in the Old Quarry. Witnesses at the scene say the incident...

Abbott Goes To Effort Of Shelving Entire Bible Only To Realise Visiting Room Has Glass Screen

BREAKING NEWS With Cardinal Pell on the verge of a lifetime of excommunication from The Catholic Church, Pope Francis has today ordered all of his subordinates to prevent him from getting his hands on another Bible. Pope Francis says there are fears within the church that if the convicted pedophile were to...

‘Proud Catholics’ Ask To Now Only Be Referred To As ‘Catholics’

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australia's Catholic community have asked for everyone to stop using the word 'proud' when describing them - after the church's third-highest ranking member, Cardinal George Pell, has been found guilty of molesting two choirboys in 1996. In a big blow for the Catholic community, Cardinal Pell is today facing his pre-sentencing hearing after his conviction of historic sexual offence...

“We Are Going To Need A Fuckload Of African Teenagers To Survive This One” Abbott Tells Bolt

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Member For Warringah has arrived at the high-hedges of Toorak this afternoon on a private jet, in an effort to defend his beloved Catholic Church. This follows the lifting of a nationwide suppression order which has allowed media to report that Pell has been found guilty of sexually abusing...

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