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Newspoll Predict Parramatta To Comfortably Win The NRL Premiership

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The often referenced Newspoll organisation has today double down on its bold predictions. After getting the outcome of the federal election incredibly wrong, the polling company has decided to predict another outcome that won't happen and tipped Parramatta to win the NRL Premiership in a few months time....

Labor Hires Forensic Cleaners

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The Australian Labor Party has today engaged the services of one of the country's most revered forensic cleaners. After what can only be described as one of the most horrendous bedshits in living memory, heavyweights within the party have decided to hire some forensics to try and clean...

Thank Fuck That’s Over Says Nation

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The nation has breathed a collective sigh of relief this afternoon, as the whole election thing runs the last of its course. With polls closing across the country, those who aren't avid followers of #AusPol aside are very thankful that the election campaign is pretty much done and...

Liberal Campaigner Applies Hand Sanitiser After Hand Shake With Visibly Working Class Voter

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A young man from Betoota Grove, our town's version of Mosman, Ascot or Toorak, has today had a rather unsavoury experience. Just moments ago, when handing out how to vote Liberal cards like his father did, and father did before him, young Albert Watersmith-Watson was forced to shake...

Nation Mourns Last Prime Minister Who Didn’t Look Like He Hated Every Beer Handed To Him

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The nation is mourning the death of Australia's 23rd prime minister Bob Hawke, who died yesterday aged 89. The final day of the 2019 election campaign seems been overshadowed by the death of the last universally loved character of Australian politics, with tributes continuing to pour in for the...

Local Man Stages Coup Against Girlfriend After She Bans Kick-Ons In Their Apartment

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local crane operator, Todd Harrison, has today committed his mind to something for the first time since his year 10 exams. The sudden need for cognitive power has come after his girlfriend declared their apartment a kick-on free zone. It’s believed the ban was implemented...

Surprisingly Small List Of Damages To AirBNB On Bucks Weekend More Than Budgeted For In Bond

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A wave of disappointment has washed over a group of mates this morning after the damages bill came in from the Air BNB they had a bucks party at over the weekend.  Jack Simmons, the organiser of the event, messaged the group of men to tell them the bad...

“Duhhh, Ummm, Duhh Borders” Says Soon-To-Be Unemployed Public Servant

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Just nine days out from the 2019 Federal Election, Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has claimed Labor has "gone soft” on border - in a breathtaking example of a struggling politician reading the room. In a news cycle dominated by climate policy and aged care, Peter Dutton has tried...

Gen X Leftie Brought To Orgasm During Mid Afternoon Paul Keating YouTube Session

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local Volvo and Sex Pistols enthusiast has today had to run to the bathroom in a hurry. The scurry out of the open plan marketing agency came after the Gen X leftie decided to treat himself to a spontaneous mid-afternoon Paul Keating YouTube session.

Australian Enjoying Overseas Holiday Finds Self Ill-Equipped To Party Past Midnight

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local man, Tyler Waters, had a sting that would kill a small child as he began his holiday in the United States of America, however on his first night on the town in Chicago he has found himself completely out of his depth and asking for his mother.  “What...

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