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Soon-To-Be Very Unwell Man Has Another Hash Brownie Because First Didn’t Work After 5 Minutes

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local man who probably smokes pot once every two years, has today decided that he must have a high tolerance to the THC in his mate's new batch of brownies, and that one brownie wasn't enough. Having never experimented with cannabis-infused edibles before, Scotty Maley (31) was more than eager to have a crack when his mate...

“What About Men’s Rights?” Says 30-Something Whose Mum Still Does His Laundry

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Full time stay at home son, Jesse Wickens (34), never saw himself becoming an activist but has found himself fighting for the greater good, asking the question ‘what about men’s rights?’ from the comfort of his childhood home where his mum still does his laundry. Saunders claims that sexism is a problem that was solved in the '60s...

Senator Canavan Begins Destroying Adani Paper Trail Ahead Of Federal Anti-Corruption Body

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT It's been all stations go at the Federal Resources Minister's office today. With Scott Morrison announcing a new federal anti-corruption body this morning, the Resources Minister Matt Canavan and his staff have been getting on the front foot. Labor, the Greens and minor parties have long campaigned for a corruption watchdog, and in the current political climate, Morrison decided to make...

‘No Fear’ Bumper Sticker Seemingly At Odds With Owners Opinions On Immigrants

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Contractor Owen Green (33) has been accused of the hypocrisy of the highest order, as his NO FEAR bumper sticker seems to be completely at odds with his opinion on immigrants. An avid bumper sticker collector, Green has hidden the rust on his red land cruiser ute with a collection of stickers that seem to predate tolerance entirely. “If...

Millennial Begins Enjoying Life After Setting Standards Incredibly Low

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local millennial Nina Turner (27) claims to have unlocked the key to happiness and is enjoying adult life for the first time after setting her standards incredibly low. After graduating with a Bachelor of Communications, Turner first learnt she might have her expectations set too high when she actually expected her tertiary education to land her a job. Following...

Group Chat Under The Impression ASIO Gives A Fuck About Their Depraved Bender Videos

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local group of mates are up in arms today after the news broke about the new national security laws being passed by parliament. The new laws mean that national security agencies will be able to intercept messages on encrypted apps and platforms in an effort to crack down on terrorism and serious criminal activity. While the move has been...

“War On Christmas” And Other Things Scott Morrison Might Pull Out Of His Arse This Week

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After having already tried his luck with the Australia Day debate, religious freedoms, Muslims not condemning terrorists and the national security risk posed by social media - it appears there are only a few more stereotypical populist cliches that Prime Minister Morrison can pull out of his sleeve before everyone tunes out of politics over Christmas. After spending...

Correlation Established Between Doing Shoeys and Yelling ‘Nice Garry’ For No Reason

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A landmark study has been released today finding a direct link between two of society's most painfully obnoxious acts. The report released by the Betoota Anthropological Society (BAS) concluded that there is a definitive correlation between doing 'Shoeys' and yelling 'Niceeeee Garrrrrrrry' or 'Bowling Garrrrrrrry,' for no reason at all. The above phrase was made popular by former Australia Wicket...

Government Almost As Obsessed With Gay Kids In Catholic Schools As The Priests Are

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Coalition nightwatchman and current Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, has today been unable to get his party to agree that gay kids shouldn't be expelled from Catholic schools for being gay. This backwards slide in policy indicates that the Coalition government is almost as obsessed with gay kids in religious schools as the rock spider priests and teachers that...

President Trump Has A Great Meeting With Man He Thinks Is Named Malcolm

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite a schedule full of watching Fox News and tweeting (almost definitely from the toilet) US President Donald Trump managed to find time to meet with Australia’s Prime Minister who according to him is a guy called Malcolm. In his search to meet someone who represents the average Australian, Prime Minister Scott Morrison organised to meet with the...

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