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Demons Fan Can’t Wait To Rub It In His Coworker’s Face When They Go Back To Work In 3 Months

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Melbourne Demons ended a 57-year drought on Saturday night by defeating their cross-city rivals the Western Bulldogs, to win the 2021 Grand Final. The weary Demons fanbase, many of whom have never known the joy of winning a flag in their lifetimes, weren't treated to the easiest 80 grand final minutes - as they white knuckled through the...

Boyfriend Caught Liking Bikini Pics Reckons He Doesn’t Even Look At What He’s Scrolling So Just Relax

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A boyfriend caught liking scantily clad women on Instagram has gone on the defensive today, after his aggrieved girlfriend finally plucked up the courage to confront him. It’s alleged Jasmine Hoellering had noticed the activity roughly three months ago and had tried very hard to play the role of the cool girl and not let it bother her. Had...

Sharehouse’s Old Indoor TV Couch Now New Outdoor Bong Couch

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Betoota’s historic French Quarter is well known for being a vibrant community of renters who pack into the humid living rectangles by the dozens and the home-owning wealthy yuppy couples who act like they hate gentrification too. Locals of the Quarter know the easiest way to tell which segment lives in which house is whether or not there is...

​​Report: Mate Who’s Found Cheaper Ride On His New App Can Fucken Book It Then

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local mate who always wants to take matters into his own hands has been told to do just that today.  Enjoying a couple of perfectly cold, glorious Friday afternoon schooners at a licenced establishment before moving onto a more formal event, Luke Hunt has been asked to steer the ship for his mates - in a slightly less...

Nurse Gently Explains That The Rock Hard Bicep Is Impressive But Not Necessary For This Jab

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT There have been no new locally acquired community cases recorded in Queensland as people turn out in large numbers to get their jabs at walk-in hubs. The state also detected no new cases in the 16 rooms they have made available for hotel quarantine, making it a "double donut" day. Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk said at least 56,412 jabs were administered...

Melbourne Experiences Magnitude 5.8 Earthquake After Your Mum Falls Over

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The state of Victoria has been hit by a 5.8 magnitude earthquake, that has left buildings damaged and its residents rattled. The tectonic event comes after an endless series of lockdowns, culminating in thousands of protestors storming through the city yesterday, in protest of the government's 2-week construction ban and mandatory jab policies. Thankfully, there have been no...

Melbourne Literally Shook Rn

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT For the first time ever, Melbourne's residents actually mean it when they say "I am literally shook rn" This comes as three earthquakes strike in north-east Victoria, with tremors felt across the state, New South Wales, Canberra and as far as Adelaide and Launceston. People in Sydney claim to have felt it, but that is likely a gee up because they have...

2021 Chucks In A Few Earthquakes For The Fuck Of It

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Windows have shattered and buildings have shaken across Melbourne this morning as Victoria experienced an out-of-character earthquake. The quake was recorded at magnitude 6, which is pretty red hot, and probably the first of its kind felt by many of those that felt it. Shaking was reported as far away as Canberra, Tasmania and Albury - with some drama...

Potential Root Forces Bloke To Throw Doona Over Sheets That Haven’t Been Washed For 6 Weeks

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A local grot has gone full Mary Poppins, courtesy of a suggestive late-night text. Sam Haynes says he’d been sitting in his bed eating dusting off a packet of Doritos when his phone started buzzing. He’d been expecting another message from his group chat only to find that Jessica, one of his Tinder matches, wanted to ‘know...

Quade Cooper Restores Order To Universe

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After a tough couple of years for the world, order has finally been restored to the universe this week. The feat comes from none other than Quade Cooper, who has returned the All Blacks to the top of the World Rugby rankings. Masterminding the two Wallabies victories over the World Champion Springboks, Cooper ensured that Kiwis took back...

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