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ScoMo To Visit Port Macquarie As Soon As He Hears Full Time Whistle At State Futsal Final

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Prime Minister Scott Morrison has moved to assure the people of NSW that he'll be up real shortly. This comes after 70 different blazes ravage NSW and 30 fires rip through Queensland, as most of the Eastern Seaboard is pretty much on fire. NSW...

Plan To Make Maths Compulsory In Years 11 And 12 Is Bullshit Say 107% Of Students

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A government plan to make Mathematics compulsory for Year 11 and 12 students has been slammed by a startling 107% of the student body in a self-reported study. According to the report, which included students from both Asian and non-Asian backgrounds, only minus 7 percent of students disagreed...

Review Of ALP Election Result Finds Labor Lost Because Not Enough People Voted For Them

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Labor's federal election review has identified one major cause for the party's shock loss in May this year. The findings have shocked the ALP to it's very core. Former South Australian premier Jay Weatherill and former trade minister Craig Emerson have spent months investigating the defeat, and in a...

Report: Mum’s Already Bought Christmas Crackers?

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The family of local mother Carol Thompson (57) state they are beginning to worry about the mental wellbeing of their family matriarch. Believed by her four children to be a sensible person with sound planning and organisation skills, the mum of four has thrown her reputation into disrepute...

“Who Do I Give My Slip To?” ScoMo Quietly Asks His Cultural Advisors During Cup Day TAB Visit

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Scott Morrison has been caught in a bit of strife this afternoon during a Cup Day media appearance. A popular Cronulla Hotel erupted in cheers earlier today, as the Bloke-In-Chief arrived to with 16 photographers from Sky News and NewsCorp to document him walking into a pub...

Family Forced To Move After Daughter Accidentally Destroys House With Glitter

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A Western Sydney family has lost their home and everything they own after a horrific accident on Tuesday afternoon which destroyed their modest Campbelltown house and everything inside it. Mother of 3 Heather Buckley said she first sensed something was wrong when she heard her daughter screaming in...

CSIRO Scientist Buys Penthouse Next To Alan Jones With All That Climate Change Cash

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Climate change denialists are up in arms today after news that a mid-level climate scientist has purchased a piece of premium real estate that is at odds with her modest scientist salary. This week we spoke to Australian gold medalist Mack Horton. Listen here:

Shocking Sighting Of Third Crack Forces Qantas To Ground All Planes Immediately

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After facing a barrage of calls over the last 12 hours to ground their fleet of 737's, Qantas have finally caved. Following reports of cracks in a crucial part of the wing structure on two of their Boeing 737's, the airline had been under extreme pressure to ground...

Victorian Police Use Protestors As Practice For Mental Health Checks On Disability Pensioners

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Victorian Police have arrested 12 people on the second day of climate protests at the IMARC internatinal mining conference at the Melbourne Convention Centre. One protestor had both legs broken yesterday as the maligned southern police service ordered their mounted cops to charge into a volatile crowd of activists,...

Dairy Farmer Relieved Woolies Aren’t Wasting Profit On Trivial Shit Like Someone’s Livelihood

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After fighting tooth and nail to get Woolies to charge 10 cents extra per litre of his milk produce, local dairy farmer Bob Kennedy (55) says the multinational supermarket chain has really won him back over. "It's good to know they aren't wasting the margins they are making"

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