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“I’d Give The Loo A Minute,” Says Dad Barely Concealing His Pride

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact A forensic team was nearly called to the bathroom of a Betoota Heights home today after family patriarch Reginald Cloones (54) absolutely devastated the family bathroom. After a lengthy stay inside the bathroom his four children rely on for hygiene, Cloones emerged with a newspaper, a faint smirk and a warning to his offspring. “I’d give the loo a minute,”...

Government Considers Using Scam Emails To Trick Boomers Into Getting The Jab

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact With only 2% of Australian adults fully jabbed up against COVID-19, the federal government has considered some drastic action to convince Aussies over 50 to get the shot. A proposed scheme from the government suggests the best way to convince Australian boomers to get the jab will be in the form of a co-ordinated scam email racket. “Truth is, there...

NSW Origin Squad Divided Over Whether Country Music Or Drill Rap Should Be Playing On The Bus

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT NSW Coach Brad 'Freddy' Fittler is facing an early headache this week after a deep rift has emerged during the first week of camp. With the players coming together over the last couple of days ahead of the June 9 opener in Townsville, there's reportedly been some heated run ins over who gets to control the speaker on...

Millennial Can’t Afford Home After Spending All Their Money Bailing Out Gerry Harvey

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact In a story that now seems as old as time and Benji Marshall, local Millennial Matilda O’Neil (31) can’t afford to buy a home because of her own reckless spending.  According to O’Neil’s parents Brian and Susanne, who would happily inject SkyNews if given the choice, it’s their daughter's own fault that she does not have an equivalent property...

Oh No: Best Man’s Speech Got Enough Laughs For Him To Actually Give Stand-Up A Whirl

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Local best man Jake Star (33) has received a potentially life changing confidence boost as wedding reception attendees actually laughed at his jokes during his Best Man’s speech. Starting off with a few lewd oneliners about how bad the groom probably is at sex, Star went on to describe a few times he and the groom drank too much...

Regional Dad Offers Monosyllabic Words Of Approval To Daughter’s New Outfits

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A regional dad has had to press mute on the footy he was watching, to offer some words of approval to his daughter’s new outfits. It’s reported that Sandy Kinsey had taken her daughter out for a trip to the local shopping centre and had splurged a couple of hundred on some new outfits, courtesy of the Miss Shop...

“Yeah I’ve Got The AstraZeneca, Just Leaving Mine Now” Scotty Texts Victoria, From The Shower

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Victorians are back in lockdown today, after four more community transmissions were picked up overnight, bringing the state's official number of active cases to 40. While Sky News, The Herald Sun and the Federal Government have been quick to blame the incapacitated and wheelchair bound Victorian Premier Dan Andrews for this Avalon-sized cluster, the few Australian journalists with the...

QLD Government Purchases 100 Old Nokia Batteries To Sure Up State’s Electricity Supply

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The Queensland Government has today announced it's strongest commitment yet to future proofing the state's energy supply. Following the explosion and 'catastrophic failure' at the old Callide Power Station in central Queensland, Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk has moved to ease concerns about the reliability of the energy grid. "We are proud to announce that we have purchased 100 Old...

Motormouth Boyfriend Thinks Most Interesting Aspect Of Movie Is Where He’s Seen Actors Before

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local boyfriend has this week managed to ruin a movie by becoming a human IMDB. Leslie Wilson had been trying to soak up some much-needed quality time with her partner Ryan and figured a movie would be the best course of acting for a night spent cuddling. However, what should have been a relaxed time night has...

Intern Patiently Waits Until 5:05 To Pack Up Desk So They Don’t Look Too Eager To Leave

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local journalism student has recently learnt the hard way that nobody really gives a crap about funding the arts. Three years ago, a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Ethan Watts had been ready to become the new Hunter S. Thompson by enrolling in Betoota Polytechnic’s school of journalism… even though Hunter S. Thompson didn’t study journalism, the thought still counts. As...

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