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Australia Carves Through Commonwealth Games As Final Hoorah Before Prince Charles Takes Throne

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT At the time of writing, it has been confirmed that Australia has been absolutely carving it up at the 2022 Commonwealth Games with the vigour usually only seen in countries with a vicious but much-loved dictator. With Australia doing a weird thing by proving the things we can achieve without America around, the nation looks on fondly as we...

4th Grade Captain Breaks Out The Cigar After First Win In 12 Matches

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT It was all smiles on the sidelines of the Johval last weekend after the Betoota Mutts 4th Grade team finally broke a historic losing streak. The Fiesty Fours ended their 12-game losing run, after a stirring 7-5 victory over the Bedourie Bullants. This comes after a horror run of appalling refereeing performances, that cost the Mutts a number...

Brisbane Descends Into Chaos After Two Car Prang Causes Mild Sydney Traffic

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT The River City of Brisbane has walked a mile in the shoes of its southern neighbour today after a crisis gripped their CBD. This comes after a safety issue on the metro tunnel construction resulted in an emergency shutdown, with main streets in the city cut off for the majority of the day. "A decision was made out of...

Boyfriend’s Cute New Haircut Actually Just A Wash

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local surfing instructor Ted Banks (28) has been getting some great compliments on his new haircut, despite the fact he hasn’t been to the barbershop in years. Although Banks's girlfriend Trish Cook (26), and society, would prefer that he trim those dead ends, that would require Banks doing something productive on his day off which according to Banks is...

Ambulances To Be Kitted Out With Surgical Equipment As A Solution To Nation’s Ramping Crisis

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Experts have today devised an incredible solution to one of the nation's most pressing health issues. Those with an understanding of the commercial realities of providing decent health care to people have unveiled a groundbreaking plan to combat ambulance 'ramping.' Known as ramping, the term refers to the delays experienced by ambulances at hospitals that tie up crews, meaning there...

Oh Baby! Random Corner Store Has The Good Old Fashioned Lolly Cabinet

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A local man is this week basking in the success of a huge win. While some may not share the same opinion as him, Brad Schnieder says stumbling across a hidden gem has made his week. The El Dorado in question is the local family-owned convenience store around the corner from his new place in the French Quarter....

Neighbours Finale Finishes On A High Note As Karl Finally Gets A Threesome With Susan And Izzy

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Millions of Australians (and Poms) tuned in last night for an emotional 90-minute 'Neighbours' Finale, as an Aussie TV institution finally wrapped up some of their most long-awaited plot plot closures. After 37 years of car accidents, love triangles, teenagers going off the rails, and old people getting toey - Erinsborough hosted the ultimate reunion of past characters. The finale...

ATO Adds Exciting New Tipping Feature For True Patriots

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Tipping culture continues to scrape for a foothold in Australia, the Australian Tax Office (ATO) is the latest group to get in on a piece of Americanisation we really don’t want to get behind. Previously, Australia has prided itself on not adopting an American-style tipping culture by paying minimum wage workers, in areas such as hospitality, a livable wage,...

New Father Expecting Some Kind Of Brownie Points For ‘Babysitting’ Own Child

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact A local man who recently welcomed his new son into the world, his own flesh and blood, is today sitting on his couch with a confused look after his wife declined his request to go out with the boys for beers. “What do you mean ‘no’? I spent all day with Tommy” pleaded Aaron von Harkle while attempting...

Marvel Threatens Fans By Saying They Won’t Understand Anything Unless They See This Next Movie

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As cinemas continue to battle for relevance in a world of streaming, Marvel Studios have given their audience a strongly worded ultimatum.  Nearly 15 years after Iron Man (2008) proved superhero movies could be more than something only an awkward 13-year-old could love, Marvel Studios now hold numerous box office records with a new release in cinemas or on...

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