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Indigenous Woman Facing Jail For Unpaid Fines Applies For Priesthood

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact In a bold attempt at receiving a more lenient sentence, a young Indigenous woman without favour or finance has applied for a spot in the priesthood. The remote mother of two did so after realising that she was about to go before the judge on minor charges without...

Nation Forced Into Most Productive Morning Of Work Since Early 2010

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The country's workforce has been coerced into being incredibly productive this morning, as most of the major social media platforms struggle with technical issues. In pleasant news for the nation's employers, and middle managers who enjoy riding their employees to validate their existence, all platforms owned by Facebook...

Two Surfers End Up In Brawl After Disagreeing On Who Was More Stoked

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Two surfers have ended up in a brawl this afternoon after the two long-haired yahoos couldn’t agree on who was more stoked. The brawl took place on the shores of Betoota’s man-made wave dam out in the Old Quarry. Witnesses at the scene say the incident...

Abbott Goes To Effort Of Shelving Entire Bible Only To Realise Visiting Room Has Glass Screen

BREAKING NEWS With Cardinal Pell on the verge of a lifetime of excommunication from The Catholic Church, Pope Francis has today ordered all of his subordinates to prevent him from getting his hands on another Bible. Pope Francis says there are fears within the church that if the convicted pedophile were to...

‘Proud Catholics’ Ask To Now Only Be Referred To As ‘Catholics’

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australia's Catholic community have asked for everyone to stop using the word 'proud' when describing them - after the church's third-highest ranking member, Cardinal George Pell, has been found guilty of molesting two choirboys in 1996. In a big blow for the Catholic community, Cardinal Pell is today facing his pre-sentencing hearing after his conviction of historic sexual offence...

“We Are Going To Need A Fuckload Of African Teenagers To Survive This One” Abbott Tells Bolt

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Member For Warringah has arrived at the high-hedges of Toorak this afternoon on a private jet, in an effort to defend his beloved Catholic Church. This follows the lifting of a nationwide suppression order which has allowed media to report that Pell has been found guilty of sexually abusing...

NSW Parliament’s Upcoming Easter Celebrations Classed As A ‘High-Risk Festival’

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian's plan to excessively monitor the recreational activities of young people appears to be working against her today, after her own government accidentally applied the same standards to her idea of fun. This follows the lifting of a nationwide suppression order has allowed media to report that...

See Ya Later Cunt

BREAKING NEWS The entire planet is now free to tell Cardinal George Pell to get fucked today, after finally being able to talk openly about the stuff that we were all talking about months ago. This comes after Cardinal Pell was found guilty of 5 counts of child sexual abuse in a...

Remaining Fence Posts In North QLD Now Used For Slacklines After PETA Staff Finally A To Help The Cows

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a big week of dancing on Steve Irwin's grave and legitimately asking the world's pet-owner to only refer to their pets as companions, PETA have today

Tarocash Robot Lets Out Long Beep And Looks On Longingly At Uni Pub Crawl

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A corporate robot who shops at Tarocash is today regretting the decision to sign away his life to big industry, after seeing a group of young men and women stumbling drunkenly around the city at 11am on a Saturday. This is particularly hard for Derek Melrose to stomach...

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