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Dad Only Just Makes It To The Servo By Tapping Fuel Gauge A Few Times

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Family Holiday disaster was narrowly avoided last week when the Murl family’s trusty VX Commodore wagon almost ran out of fuel on the recently-completed Betoota Bypass.   “Geez, it was a close call” recalled dad Adam “The engine started to struggle and I could tell it was about to die in the arse. Then I...

20-Year-Old Complaining About Cyclists Accused Of Appropriating Boomer Culture

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With the advent of things like ‘OK Boomer’ separating the younger and older generations more than the latter’s blatant disregard for our planet's wellbeing, a recent incident shows we may not be as different as we hoped. Executive assistant Maddie Gunn (20) was using a crossing in Betoota CBD...

“Does She Come With It Hahaha” Asks Dad

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact A fairly ordinary television advertisement for a local boat retailer featuring a scantily-clad model in a bikini has set a local Dad up for possibly the most hilarious joke of all time.   The iconic moment took place at about 10:30am Sunday in the loungeroom of a modest 3...

All Future Rockstar Biographies To Include Boring COVID-19 Chapter

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact SPOILER ALERT There comes a time in every young person’s life when they think it will be a good idea to flip through the biography of their favourite musician in the hopes it will inspire them to live a riskier, care-free life with stories worth sharing.

Report: Body-Shaming Only Okay When Publican Feels Like A Chair Might Break

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A local bloke has today been body-shamed after he was seen teetering on a flimsy bar stool at the pub, it’s reported. Nick Wood says that he’d been enjoying a glass of beer with his mates at the Shifty Hen when the bar manager signalled for him to...

LeSnak Forced To Rebrand After Revelations They Do Not Come From Snak Region Of France

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Australian food manufacturer Uncle Tobys will be forced to rebrand it’s popular ‘Le Snak’ snack product after admitting the product was not actually manufactured in the Snak region of France at all.   The product, which combines okayish crackers and delicious goo which bears a faint resemblance to cheese,...

Man Who Broke Out Of Toowoomba Hotel Quarantine A Week Early Not Dark Enough For A Front Page

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Queensland Deputy Police Commissioner Steve Gollschewski says a man who went missing from mandatory quarantine in Toowoomba has been found. "That person was found missing yesterday and has returned into quarantine and has declared themselves and surrendered themselves" he said. The 25-year-old man returned from a...

Unsullied Eunuchs To Guard Melbourne’s Quarantined Hotels From Now On, Says Premier Andrews

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Victoria has recorded its deadliest day of the pandemic with 19 new deaths overnight and 322 new cases of COVID-19. Of the deaths, 14 were linked to aged care outbreaks. While the new deaths surpassed yesterday's record high, the new case numbers represent a new low for the state...

Local Karen Transitions Into A Local Jodi After Purchase Of Muffin Top Jeans

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local tupperware sales gun Karen Costello says up until 6 months ago the biggest issue she had with her name was the alliteration. That was before minorities started filming the elitist and racist public meltdowns of middle aged white women in America, an archetype that quickly became known as...

Bachelor Judges Readiness Of 11pm Chicken Nuggets By How Much It Hurts His Face To Open Oven

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Peering closely at the switches on the oven, local man Greg Haines tries to work out what the scratched off numbers could mean. It’s not often that the sorry excuse for a human being ever uses an oven, but given that his freezer is fresh out of microwavable meals,...

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