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Surprisingly Small List Of Damages To AirBNB On Bucks Weekend More Than Budgeted For In Bond

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A wave of disappointment has washed over a group of mates this morning after the damages bill came in from the Air BNB they had a bucks party at over the weekend.  Jack Simmons, the organiser of the event, messaged the group of men to tell them the bad...

“Duhhh, Ummm, Duhh Borders” Says Soon-To-Be Unemployed Public Servant

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Just nine days out from the 2019 Federal Election, Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has claimed Labor has "gone soft” on border - in a breathtaking example of a struggling politician reading the room. In a news cycle dominated by climate policy and aged care, Peter Dutton has tried...

Gen X Leftie Brought To Orgasm During Mid Afternoon Paul Keating YouTube Session

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local Volvo and Sex Pistols enthusiast has today had to run to the bathroom in a hurry. The scurry out of the open plan marketing agency came after the Gen X leftie decided to treat himself to a spontaneous mid-afternoon Paul Keating YouTube session.

Australian Enjoying Overseas Holiday Finds Self Ill-Equipped To Party Past Midnight

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local man, Tyler Waters, had a sting that would kill a small child as he began his holiday in the United States of America, however on his first night on the town in Chicago he has found himself completely out of his depth and asking for his mother.  “What...

Report: Best Way To Distinguish Hipster From Homeless Person is Apple AirPods

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A new report from Australia’s leading scientific body, the CSIRO, has today solved a problem that has plagued Betootans for the past ten years. The year-long study looked into how to tell the difference between hipsters and homeless people and found that the best way to distinguish between the...

Woman At Airport Suddenly Unsure What Happened To The Bag Of Gear She Bought A Year Ago

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Fear has turned the blood of a young Betoota woman cold today as she waits in line at Betoota International Airport. While she hasn’t got a criminal record and has literally nothing to worry about, a bag of cocaine she bought over a year ago has suddenly popped...

Expired Supplements The Last Remaining Evidence Of Local Man’s Attempts To Turn It All Around

BINDI HESLOP | Local News | Contact “Looking back, I guess buying a 5kg tub of creatine after one good weight session on a visitor’s pass for a mate’s gym was a bit ambitious... But I’m a bit all or nothing like that and I’m definitely getting back into it” mused Mason (36) from the comfort of his...

Katter Candidate Resigns As Social Media Posts Emerge Of Him Working As A Barista In West End

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Katter Australian Party candidate for the seat of Yawannagokunt North-West of Brisbane, has withdrawn after social media posts came to light that showed him once working in an inner-city cafe. Luke Hardt-Kennedy (35) a prominent rifle range supervisor and former Mackay Cutters superstar, has admitted to the allegations,...

Labor To Utilise Famous Tony Abbott Response For Any Questions On Adani Going Forward

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact In a somewhat odd turn of events, the Australian Labor Party has confirmed today that they will be borrowing a media technique from Tony Abbott. While they won't be defending and referring to convicted pedophiles as close personal friends, all Federal Labor Members, Senators and candidates have been...

One Nation Adds New Dot-Point To Their Vetting Process For Potential Candidates

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As of today, One Nation will be adding a third dot-point to their thorough background checks for potential political candidates, which previously had only required answers to whether or not they had ever killed anyone or harboured the sufficient hatred for Muslims and Africans. One Nation Senate candidate...

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