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‘Drumstix In A Biskit’ Launch Copyright Action Against New Tasmanian AFL Team

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The AFL's newest team has already run into quite a significant hurdle. With pundits frantically discussing issues like rosters, training facilities and coaching lists for the Tasmanian Devils - the people behind the new team are already facing a costly legal battle. Less than 24 hours after announcing the overarching details around the newest AFL team to be...

Blokes In Wetsuits Sprinting Through Carpark Suggests Surf Report Must Be Pretty Good This Arvo

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news from the coastal enclave of Glumbucket Heads, it appears as though the surf is absolutely pumping this afternoon. This comes after reports of a large numbers of blokes in wetsuits running through the two carparks adjacent to Back Beach in the popular holiday town. "Yeah, fair few BucketHead boys seemed to be in quite...

“Righto You Little Pussies. Albo’s Bux. Grand Final Long Weekend. Bali. Locked In” Says Penny

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Foreign Minister Penny Wong has today ticked off a big piece of policy, ensuring that all the key details of the Prime Minister's Bux are locked in. With the Opposition kicking up a stink about Former Labor Prime Minister Paul Keating meeting with the Chinese Foreign Minister, Penny has decided to focus on the things that matter. "Paul...

Russian Opposition Leader Celebrates Receiving Few Enough Votes To Not Get Killed

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Russia's Opposition Leader Nikolai Kharitonov is today swallowing a bitter sweet pill. While made bitter because he lost the Russian election in a landslide, the pill is sweetened by the wonderful fact that it isn't poisoned with some radioactive substance. Put simply, the leader of Russia's Communist Party is today revelling in the fact that he's still actually...

Tasmanian Jack Jumpers Begin One Final March To Claim NBL Title Against Melbournegard

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The fabled Tasmanian JackJumpers have today begun their slow but steady march towards an NBL title. The JackJumpers team are famous for being made up of sentient humanoid tree like beings that stand at nearly 4 metres tall, who generally mind their own business unless being attacked by outside forces. They are the National Basketball League's newest but...

14 Dead At US School After Disgruntled Student Walks In With A Semi-Automatic TikTok

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some sad but very predictable news from the home of the brave and the land of the free,* a local school is dealing with another tragedy after a disgruntled student entered the grounds with a loaded semi-automatic TikTok. It's believed to be tenth mass casualty caused by the app this year, all but ensuring that law makers...

Footloose 2 Taking Place Entirely Online

LOUIS BOURKE | Culture | Contact 40 years later and Footloose 2 is finally here although lovers of traditional movies may be disappointed. Instead of a young Kevin Bacon moving to a town where dancing and rock music are banned, every youth in America are facing the prospect of a TikTok ban after US congress issues the Chinese app with a sell or get out...

Boyfriend’s Canceled Sunday Session Sees Him Quietly Singing Along To Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour 

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A moderately hungover local man has today caught himself humming along to a number of Taylor Swift songs - despite spending a lengthy period of time pretending he wasn’t a big fan of the US megastar.  Lying on the couch with the remnants of some deep fried chicken festering away on the coffee table and a smearing of oil...

8 Healthy Habits You Should Immediately Quit To Focus On Princess Kate’s Whereabouts 

LOUIS BOURKE | Culture | Contact We all love a good royal scandal and by ‘we’ I mean people with not much else on, both as a regular member of society and as a journalist whose writing career hasn’t quite panned out the way they hoped. Apart from ‘who cares’, the biggest criticism of the #WhereIsKate movement is ‘who has time for this crap?’  Well the...

Swiftie Girlfriend Who Missed Out On Tickets, Blocks Out 48 Hours For Eras Tour Film Repeats

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A young woman from Betoota’s Flight Path District has today cleared her schedule for the weekend.  Mish Worthington (28) has told a number of friends and family that she will be unavailable for contact or face to face time over the next 48 hours - as a result of the new Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour (Taylor’s Version) concert...

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