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Woman Who Would Like A Greyhound But Smaller And Terrified Every Waking Moment Of Its Life Finds Perfect Pet In Whippet

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A French Quarter woman has finally found the right pet for herself this week, after her exhaustive list of requirements made it difficult to find the perfect match. Gina Matters told The Advocate that she’d originally thought about getting a greyhound ideally but had wanted something smaller and ‘more nervous’, to the point where every waking moment was...

Nan Throws Out Iconic Danish Biscuit Tin In Show Of Solidarity With Matildas

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Betoota Heights grandmother of 11 has today shown her colours, and issued a huge statement in solidarity with our Matildas. Walking out onto the front porch while her granddaughter filmed for the family group chat, Beverly Hills decide to toss her famous Danish Biscuit tin in the bin. An icon of the Hill's household, the old biscuit...

“The Voice Will Undermine Our Democracy” Says Man Who Spent 13 Years Illegally In Office As A Foreign Citizen

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The twice former Leader of the National Party has today spoken out about one of the biggest concerns in his life. Barnaby Joyce has revealed that he holds grave fears that the Voice to Parliament could be a threat to our democracy. A man who voted on the passing of thousands of new laws in both the upper...

Local Man Returns From North Queensland Holiday With Bad Case Of The Port Douglas Measles

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter man has brought home more than great memories from our state's north this week after getting bitten by every sandfly in the Douglas Shire, leaving him with what's known as the Port Douglas Measles. Not to be confused with Byron Measles, which is similar to the more traditional, lethal variety of measles,...

“Who Cares About The Women’s World Cup” Says Sydney Roosters Fan With Entire Bay Of SCG To Himself

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A husky and witty local gent has today indulged the internet in another one of his trademark zingers. Brad Walsh from Sydney's well heeled Eastern Suburbs of Sydney has taken to his Facebook account to leave a short but concise comment about the financial state of Women's Football. "Please, when the women actually generate some revenue, then...

Lizzo’s Dancer Alleges Popstar Made Her Go On Mad Dog MacDougall’s ManShake Diet While On Tour

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Lizzo saga has taken another twist today, with one of her dancer's airing some fresh allegations. One of her dancer's who claims she was fired for gaining weight, has exclusively revealed to The Advocate that she was forced to go on the ManShake Diet when she was on tour. Made popular by former Newcastle Knights player Adam...

Public School Teenager Now Only 24 Shifts At IGA Away From His New RM Williams Wallabies Ball

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young man from Betoota Ponds is today dreaming about his future. The 15-year-old Betoota Ponds High Student explained to our humble regional newspaper that he's feeling optimistic about what lies ahead. The son of a nurse at Royal Betoota Base Hospital and a forklift driver at South Betoota Logistics, Brendon Thomas says he can't wait to get...

Opinion: Stop Making Everything A Generational Issue, You Useless Fucking Millennials

HARVEY THOMAS | Outrage | CONTACT For goodness, Christ’s and fuck’s collective sake, haven’t we all had a bloated bellyfull of generational discourse, or should I say ‘diss-course’ because of ‘course’ we keep ‘dissing’ each other*.   Once upon a time, we were all equal. Then for better or worse, the ‘60s happened. After that, it was all about generations thanks to my second most hated...

This Tidal Floodplain Could Be Covered In $1M Apartments, But The Greens Don’t Want To Fix Housing

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Australian Government has today made it clear that they would rather run the risk of calling another election rather than address the concerns of young working Australians with an alternative Housing Bill. While hiding behind the media noise surrounding the Indigenous Voice Referendum, the Labor MPs tasked with ensuring Australians are afforded the human right of warm shelter...

Fumbled Tax Return Causes Bloke To Downgrade Noosa Christmas Plans To Caravan Park With Weird Cousins From Adelaide

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT In breaking news, Christmas is looking particularly grim for a Betoota Lakes man who failed to get himself a decent tax return. Dillon Humphrey, a freelance musician from the lakes district, has spoken to The Advocate today about his financial woes and his fumbled tax return. As a muso and audio engineer, Dillon has the opportunity to claim...

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