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Victorian Police Use Protestors As Practice For Mental Health Checks On Disability Pensioners

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Victorian Police have arrested 12 people on the second day of climate protests at the IMARC internatinal mining conference at the Melbourne Convention Centre. One protestor had both legs broken yesterday as the maligned southern police service ordered their mounted cops to charge into a volatile crowd of activists,...

Dairy Farmer Relieved Woolies Aren’t Wasting Profit On Trivial Shit Like Someone’s Livelihood

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After fighting tooth and nail to get Woolies to charge 10 cents extra per litre of his milk produce, local dairy farmer Bob Kennedy (55) says the multinational supermarket chain has really won him back over. "It's good to know they aren't wasting the margins they are making"

Man Charged Under New Domestic Terrorism Laws After Eating Hummus With Fingers

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The first arrest of the Morrison government’s new domestic terrorism laws was made in the early morning hours as an unidentified 23-year-old man was detained by police after it is alleged he dipped his finger into a communal serving of hummus. A statement by the AFP outlined the details...

Local Woman Becomes First Person In History To Successfully Connect To Fon Wi-Fi

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young Betoota Ponds woman has achieved an incredible feat today. She has become the first person in the history of the internet age to connect to Fon Wi-Fi. "Not since man created the wheel has such a significant breakthrough occurred," explained local Apple...

42 Year Old Defeated By Basic Electronics Packaging

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A local Betoota Heights man has just let out a long but barely audible 'Fuck.' He did so a couple of moments ago after admitting defeat at the hands of a fairly standardly packaged bit of cabling. In desperate need of a cable to...

Nation Shocked A House Full Of Pissed Bogans Hasn’t Descended Into Run-It-Straight-Challenges

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT In some breaking news out of the Bachie mansion, it has been confirmed today that over the last few years not a single run it straight challenge has occurred in the building. Do you enjoy the Bachelorette and reality tv, well this week we sat down with some experts in the field,...

QLD Premier Johanna Palaszczuk Sends In The Deen Brothers To Demolish Cloudland Overnight

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Almost 37-years to the day since the destruction of Brisbane's historic Cloudland Ballroom in Bowen Hills was orchestrated by the Sir Johannes Bjelke-Petersen government - last night QLD Premier Johanna Palaszczuk followed in her political mentor's footsteps. This time it was Cloudland the Nightclub, the iconic Fortitude Valley venue...

Office Sandwich Press Hardest Working Employee

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Hard work has not gone unrecognised at a Betoota Heights law firm where the kitchen sandwich press was presented the coveted Employee of the Month award. Although usually presented to the human employee who did the most unpaid overtime, the senior management team at Anton & Duc Legal...

NRL Off-Season Officially Kicks Off With 300 Haymakers Outside Balinese Nightclub

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT After what seemed like an eternity, the NRL Off-Season is finally here. Following up from last year's biggest-ever Off-Season, this year's has finally kicked off - and in spectacular fashion. To mark the beginning of another year of scandals, it looks like a Melbourne...

Boss With House Full Of Teenage Girls Knows Way More About The Bachelorette Than He’s Letting On

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT 54-year-old Steven Francis has today alerted some of his colleagues to the fact that he is far more clued into reality TV than he would ever admit. The middle manager at a large faceless finance company in Betoota's Old City District did so by weighing in on a conversation...

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