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Panicking Murdoch Orders Editors To Ignore Rate Rise And Go Back To Albo Gaffe From 4 Weeks Ago

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT For the first time in 12 years, interest rates have finally risen. It's an announcement from the Reserve Bank Of Australia that has understandably put the fear of god into millions of average Australians. However, it's not just homeowners and renters who have been spooked, with a few local media billionaires getting quite a fright as well. Rupert...

Triple M Honours Taylor Hawkins With Regular Programming

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Popular radio station Triple M has today caused a few eyes to well up across the country. The cause of the waterworks has been a touching tribute to the former drummer of their flagship band the Foo Fighters. 6 weeks after the passing of Taylor Hawkins, the station has paid tribute to the man - by continuing to...

Granola Order Immediately Regretted As Bacon & Egger Wofts By

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local diner Sofia Mandrill (28) has learnt the true meaning of regret today after ordering granola at her local cafe. Stopping in for a morning coffee, breaky, and book reading attempt before jumping directly on to Insta, Mandrill opted to order the cafe’s house granola in an effort to improve her general health that some have called virtue signalling.  After...

Scotty Brings Literal Dead Cat To Press Conference

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With the federal election now less than a month away, some Australians are waiting for Scotty to announce commitments on environmental conservation, renewable energy and federal ICAC. At the time of writing is clear Scotty has prioritised the niche issue of trans-women participating in sporting events as the centre of political discussion, with his appointment of cis-womens advocate...

Local Dads Watch In Jealously As Cul-De-Sac Introvert Ushers In Delivery Of New In-Ground Pool

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT One of Betoota’s most pleasant cul-de-sacs has crowned a new King this morning, as a quiet father ushered in the delivery of a brand new in-ground swimming pool. At approximately 8am this morning, The Advocate understands residents of Lockyer Crescent in Betoota Heights awoke to a surprise, thanks to the rumbling of a semi-trailer and a crane...

Shithole City Sooking About Calls For Grand Final To Be Taken Away From Their Shithole Stadium

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The largest cesspit known to mankind is carrying on this week, it can be confirmed. Spearheaded by its rich white political and media leaders, the drop toilet known more commonly as Sydney, is up in arms about calls to move the pinnacle of rugby league up north to Brisbane. The calls have come after NRL boss Peter V'Landys...

Selfless Bloke With Well-Documented Work Ethic Fires Shots At Middle Aged Man For Getting Sick

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The man recognised as the hardest worker in the country has today won over a few more swing voters, by reminding them how hard a worker he is. The Prime Minister has wowed average Australians by telling them he worked really hard during his spicy cough isolation. This comes after Opposition Leader Antony Albanese emerges from 7 days of...

Albanese Reminds Italian Voters That He’s Still One Of Them With Mob Boss-Themed InStyle Shoot

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A OFFER THEY CAN'T REFUSE: Anthony Albanese has today ditched the inoffensive chinos and button up, and made a move on his once rusted-on Italian voters in Leichhardt and Carlton. In conversation with former Australian of the Year Grace Tame, the Opposition Leader discussed his tough upbringing, as she interviewed him in a friendly chat for the women's magazine...

Specialist Running Stores Enjoy Unexpected Boom Thanks To Influx Of Faux Hiking Hipsters

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A specialist running store has sold out of high-end trail shoes this week, all thanks to a new wave of customers that haven’t been on a run since their Year 10 cross country carnival. It appears business is booming at ‘Runners Touch’, an athletic shoe store in the Old City District, which has been serving Betoota’s corporate...

Local Concreters Treat Themselves To A Cute Little Brunch Date After Morning Of Heavy Showers

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local gaggle of concreters is picking up where they left off yesterday, after a patch of heavy rain this morning. Rolling in after what was a sizeable ANZAC Day for most of the crew, the local concreters were greeted this morning by heavy clouds, and frequent bursts of rain. After fiddling about with a few loose ends,...

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