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QLD Government Purchases 100 Old Nokia Batteries To Sure Up State’s Electricity Supply

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The Queensland Government has today announced it's strongest commitment yet to future proofing the state's energy supply. Following the explosion and 'catastrophic failure' at the old Callide Power Station in central Queensland, Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk has moved to ease concerns about the reliability of the energy grid. "We are proud to announce that we have purchased 100 Old...

Motormouth Boyfriend Thinks Most Interesting Aspect Of Movie Is Where He’s Seen Actors Before

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local boyfriend has this week managed to ruin a movie by becoming a human IMDB. Leslie Wilson had been trying to soak up some much-needed quality time with her partner Ryan and figured a movie would be the best course of acting for a night spent cuddling. However, what should have been a relaxed time night has...

Intern Patiently Waits Until 5:05 To Pack Up Desk So They Don’t Look Too Eager To Leave

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local journalism student has recently learnt the hard way that nobody really gives a crap about funding the arts. Three years ago, a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Ethan Watts had been ready to become the new Hunter S. Thompson by enrolling in Betoota Polytechnic’s school of journalism… even though Hunter S. Thompson didn’t study journalism, the thought still counts. As...

Report: 90% Of Crusty White Dogs Named Either Molly Or Coco

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A new survey has confirmed that 90% of crusty white dogs are named either Molly or Coco, it’s reported. Characterised by their matted white fur, persistent eye gunk and thousand-yard stare, crusty white dogs have become the staple pet for middle-class families, coming in at 1 out of 3 Betoota Heights households. Though it looks as though a simple gust...

Local Man Saves Turtle From Having Straw Pulled Out Of Its Nose By Finding A Bin

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A heroic local man has today done his bit to save a big old sea turtle from the worst of humanity. After enjoying a morning stroll down to the yuppie inner city French Quarter Markets for a  halloumi and egg roll, Will Woodward decided to tack on an $8 orange juice as well. Because, he’s hungover, and it looks like...

Report Finds Extension Cord Either 20 Centimetres Too Short Or 20 Metres Too Long

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Over 95% of the extension cords in Australia are either slightly too short or wildly oversized, according to a new report.  The report, “Too Long To Reach; the Extension Cord Paradox” examines the reasons for the mysterious phenomenon, ranging from Murphy’s Law to the price of copper. But the conclusion is clear. Extension cords are rarely the correct length.  “I...

Promising Denim Jacket Ruined By Bejewelled Butterfly Pattern On Back

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A woman’s quest to get a nice jacket has today been thwarted by every single outlet, who all seem hellbent on pushing out shitty designs. It’s alleged Georgie Porter lost her favourite denim jacket on the weekend and was looking to quickly replace it before the winter chill hit and jacket prices doubled. Venturing to her local shopping centre, Georgie...

Report: 90% Of Business Students Recent School Leavers Whose Parents Forced Them To Go To Uni

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A new survey suggests that up to 90% of business students are 17-year-olds that don’t know what they’re doing. The study is alleged to have been spearheaded by the unusually high dropout rate of first-year business students, which is said to be even higher than medicine and psychology. According to local South Betoota Polytechnic business school professor, Mr Ian Dickinson,...

Man Who Just Sank $300 Into Pokies Thrills Mates With Tale of Incredible $60 Feature

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A night out at the Betoota RSL, or “Bowlo” as the locals call it after a nick-naming mixup, has ended in triumph for local man Dave after he managed to walk away from the ironically-named VIP Room with $60 of cold, hard cash.  “I couldn’t believe it; I was down to my last five bucks when suddenly it’s gone...

Conservationists Update Local Fish Diet To Include Carelessly Tossed Ciggies

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact As our natural environment changes around us, so  do the plants and animals that also call this big spinning rock home.  While evolution often takes hundreds of generations to occur in nature, experts have recently revealed that our very own underwater life has begun adapting to the changing environment around them.  A new report by the Betoota Wildlife Conservation Foundation...

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