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NSW Government Unveils Plans For New Parramatta City Raceway

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Motor Racing Enthusiasts have reacted with frustration after the NSW Government unveiled plans for a track smaller than the existing 10,000 person capacity Parramatta City Raceway which it is designed to replace.   The sudden announcement of the closure of Sydney’s last speedway track was made in late 2019 to the shock of racing fans. After 44 years of operation,...

Lattes Wondering What They Did To Offend Conservatives

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Sitting alone in an inner city cafe, local latte Hugh Van Bean (names changed) wondered exactly what he had done to offend Australia’s conservative population. “I know it’s not something I said because I don’t have a mouth,” said Van Bean in a statement. “Yet every time they think Australia is going to the dogs they blame the people who...

Dog Patiently Waits Until Owner Is Sound Asleep To Check Out What’s Going On In The Bedroom

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local dog has today patiently waited until his owner was sound asleep to launch an investigation into every nook and cranny of the bedroom. It’s alleged the loveable lab had been somewhat of a menace that night already, having incurred a random case of the zoomies at roughly 11 pm. Now, it appears as though Oscar has decided that...

“Working Half Days Now Are We?” Laughs Old Fella As Apprentice Packs Up 15 Minutes Early

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local chippy has reduced his jobsite to tears this afternoon, after hitting his young apprentice with a classic one liner. "Working half days now are we Hugo," yelled the 59-year-old soon to be grandfather a short time ago. He dropped the never failed sledge on Hugo after the young bloke started packing his tools up 15 minutes...

Nation Wondering If One Of These $7.5 Billion Submarines Could Save Women From Being Murdered

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As Australia mourns the violent murder of yet another woman at the hands of a former partner, the question has been posed about whether one of these submarines could help stop shit like this from happening in the future. The latest horrific murder is the 10th gendered killing this year, and follows 55 women being killed by domestic...

PM Defends Disaster Milkshake Consent Video: “It Only Cost Us 55 School Teacher Salaries”

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Scotty from Marketing has today brushed aside the lingering questions about those weird and confusing sexual consent videos. Speaking from Canberra this morning the PM explained that the educational videos that are of next to no educational value, were a little bit of a mistake but they're nothing to bloody bang on about. While a couple of the...

Byron Residents Protest Netflix Show That Might Expose Some Of The Shit They Overhear In Cafes

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The terrified linen-clad residents of Byron Bay have today taken part in a protest against the major US streaming service Netflix, who is about to undermine the entire town's relaxed care-free lifestyle with the new TV series 'Byron Baes'. Netflix says the show is a "docu-soap" which will follow the lives of "hot Instagrammers" and the mind-numbing shit...

Dental Receptionist Wants To Know If You’re Available On May 28th 2024 For A Follow-Up Appointment

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local woman Kylie Ranch had simply wanted to get a wisdom tooth checkup when she was put on the spot and asked about her future plans. It’s alleged the 26-year-old had been experiencing some pain in her back teeth and thought it might be a sign her wisdom teeth were finally coming in. Though she’d ordinarily avoid going to...

Milkshake Video Overtakes Stoner Sloth As Weirdest Christian Shit The Libs Have Ever Paid For

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Australian Government has today chalked up a historic achievement. They have somehow published a weirder educational video than the Stoner Sloth campaign. Nearly 5 years after the NSW Government unleashed the Stoner Sloth, their federal counterparts have finally, somehow, created something even more concerning and cringe-inducing than the famous anti-marijuana video series. The new pinnacle of strange...

Cafe Patron Earns Staff Respect By Letting Them Know He’s In A Hurry

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Cafe staff in French Quarter artisanal coffee roaster and cafe Bean Index have got their nominations ready for the next Australian of the year.  The three person barista team thought they had met every type of customer during their first few months of business but only met a true alpha male during this morning’s ‘coffee rush.’ ‘Coffee rush’ is the...

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