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Local Kid Feigns Drunkenness After Learning Mum Put A Bit Of Wine In The Spag Bol

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local child Timothy Robbins loves nothing more than a good spag bowl...well, except maybe chicken tenders. But considering he comes from a very white family, Timothy isn’t really used to meals deviating from simple pasta dishes or the standard meat and veggies - with the latter usually boiled and without a single bit of seasoning. This was a result...

Local Woman Resents Fact That She Somehow Looks Most Attractive Right Before Shower

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local woman, Alyssa Thompson has been looking like shit all day. Or at least, that’s what she thinks. If it’s not for her thin hair that makes any sort of styling impossible or the persistent outbreak of pimples on the right side of her chin, Alyssa also has to contend with fawn-like eyelashes that insist on facing downwards. Problems...

Anna Asks For A Refund On That 8 Million Bucks

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Premier of Queensland has today asked to speak to the manager at the NRL. Annastacia Palaszczuk has formally asked Peter V'Landys for a refund on the 8 million dollars she spent bringing the State of Origin opener to Townsville. Hailed by the entire state as money well spent until about 8:25 pm last night, the Queensland government...

“I’d Give The Loo A Minute,” Says Dad Barely Concealing His Pride

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact A forensic team was nearly called to the bathroom of a Betoota Heights home today after family patriarch Reginald Cloones (54) absolutely devastated the family bathroom. After a lengthy stay inside the bathroom his four children rely on for hygiene, Cloones emerged with a newspaper, a faint smirk and a warning to his offspring. “I’d give the loo a minute,”...

Government Considers Using Scam Emails To Trick Boomers Into Getting The Jab

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact With only 2% of Australian adults fully jabbed up against COVID-19, the federal government has considered some drastic action to convince Aussies over 50 to get the shot. A proposed scheme from the government suggests the best way to convince Australian boomers to get the jab will be in the form of a co-ordinated scam email racket. “Truth is, there...

NSW Origin Squad Divided Over Whether Country Music Or Drill Rap Should Be Playing On The Bus

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT NSW Coach Brad 'Freddy' Fittler is facing an early headache this week after a deep rift has emerged during the first week of camp. With the players coming together over the last couple of days ahead of the June 9 opener in Townsville, there's reportedly been some heated run ins over who gets to control the speaker on...

Millennial Can’t Afford Home After Spending All Their Money Bailing Out Gerry Harvey

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact In a story that now seems as old as time and Benji Marshall, local Millennial Matilda O’Neil (31) can’t afford to buy a home because of her own reckless spending.  According to O’Neil’s parents Brian and Susanne, who would happily inject SkyNews if given the choice, it’s their daughter's own fault that she does not have an equivalent property...

Oh No: Best Man’s Speech Got Enough Laughs For Him To Actually Give Stand-Up A Whirl

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Local best man Jake Star (33) has received a potentially life changing confidence boost as wedding reception attendees actually laughed at his jokes during his Best Man’s speech. Starting off with a few lewd oneliners about how bad the groom probably is at sex, Star went on to describe a few times he and the groom drank too much...

Regional Dad Offers Monosyllabic Words Of Approval To Daughter’s New Outfits

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A regional dad has had to press mute on the footy he was watching, to offer some words of approval to his daughter’s new outfits. It’s reported that Sandy Kinsey had taken her daughter out for a trip to the local shopping centre and had splurged a couple of hundred on some new outfits, courtesy of the Miss Shop...

“Yeah I’ve Got The AstraZeneca, Just Leaving Mine Now” Scotty Texts Victoria, From The Shower

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Victorians are back in lockdown today, after four more community transmissions were picked up overnight, bringing the state's official number of active cases to 40. While Sky News, The Herald Sun and the Federal Government have been quick to blame the incapacitated and wheelchair bound Victorian Premier Dan Andrews for this Avalon-sized cluster, the few Australian journalists with the...

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