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5 Million Queenslanders Share The Same Pencil

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Five million Queenslanders are now being told its okay to begin self-isolating, after the entire state were forced to squeeze in one last democratic duty before shutting up shop. Coronavirus cases continue to grow in the Sunshine State, with the health department announcing 31 new positive tests over night,...

Privately-Educated Self-Isolator Forced To Choose Between The Beach house Or The Farm

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact As we are all learning, life is just so unfair sometimes. So unfair. We have to stay isolated away from our friends and our beloved pubs, we don’t even have our favourite sports teams on TV to get us through – unless your favourite team is horse 4 in the last at...

Government Backflip On 30 Min Haircuts Too Late For Man Who Shaved Own Head With Beard Trimmer

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact “Well, fuck me,” said local skinhead Mick Wilkins as he realised he shaved his head unnecessarily after hearing about the government’s 30 minute time restriction on haircuts. As a further part of social restrictions, hairdressers and barbers were meant to be limited to appointments of less than 30 minutes...

Self-Isolating? Why Not Read The Stand By Stephen King

LOUIS BURKE | Investigation | CONTACT With social distancing in place and a lot of us being forced to self-isolate, many have been scratching their heads about how to fill in this time in a way that doesn’t involve imaginary internet points. If you’re staring down 14 days of isolation (presumably more when the government...

Man With Time To Do Whatever He Wants Might Play Red Dead 2 Again

LOUIS BURKE | Investigation | CONTACT One of the benefits of COVID-19 has been the collective wealth of knowledge we have been able to share and learn from (as long as we’re using our elbows). Unfortunately, for recently stood down social media manager Benjamin Coombs (28) the lesson he most recently learnt was that his...

For Fuck’s Sake Melbourne Your Beaches Are Shit Anyway

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT One again, the gentrifying inner-city types have found to be the most complacent Australians when it comes to the strict new COVID-19 social distancing measures have been found to be This comes as another swathe of brainless cunts decided today was the day to pretend they have a...

Sydney Roosters Expected To Finally Fall Below The Salary Cap With 87% Pay Cut To Players

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a sign of the strange times we live in, the Sydney Roosters NRL club are expected to finally fall under the salary cap for the first time since the turn of the millennium. This comes as the RLPA and the NRL discuss the fact the game has...

Palaszczuk Enlists Help Of Akon And Pitbull To Convince Queensland It’s Time To Shut It Down

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk has today brought in the big guns to help spread the word of the state's imminent shut down in the face of the COVID-19 pandemic. While the Prime Minister has called upon mining executives and other big business leaders to help manage the decision making...

Video Footage Emerges Of Comrade Dutton Doing “The Garrett” In Christmas Island Exercise Yard

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After 11 days in quarantine since testing positive to COVID-19, Peter Dutton MP's rapid descent into left wing ideologies continues. The Home Affairs Minister was sent to the new Christmas Island detention centre that was briefly set up as a makeshift quarantine station until the government decided to just...

Barnaby To Lay Low Until Someone Wants A Hot Take On Abortions Or Climate Skepticism

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the desperate times call for desperate measures for all members of society (apart from residents of Bondi), plenty are coming to terms with a new reality. One of those is Barnaby Joyce, who today has finally decided to lay low - until there's an opportunity to fire...

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