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Ticket Inspectors Sweep Through Tram Like Sardaukar Soldiers

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A fearless troop of bloodthirsty mercenaries have been sighted in downtown Betoota this morning as the local council crack down on people just trying to get to work. At 8:42am this morning, peak time across the struggling Betoota transport network, a team of eight SAS soldiers from Wish boarded the No. 57 tram transporting commuters from Betoota...

Melbourne Demons Call Emergency Pint And Punt Sesh At A Pub In Sorrento

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The AFL's most 'prestigious' club has today called an emergency meeting to try and stop the PR nightmare that has been unfolding for the last three or so years. Dramas surrounding the club have come to a head over the last couple of days, with player Joel Smith alleged by Sporting Integrity Australia to have been involved in...

Hole In The Ozone Layer Doubles After Taylor And Taylor’s Boyfriend Catch A Private Jet

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The planet is today in crisis. After years of escalating climate related disasters and more extreme weather conditions, it now looks like it could go from bad to worse. Climate experts have predicted that we could see devastating heat waves and drought sweep across the planet, after the hole in the ozone layer doubled in size this week....

Campbelltown Uso The Only Person In Australia Getting To See All Four Of Taylor’s Sydney Shows

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT In entertainment news, a security guard from Western Sydney has been handed a golden lanyard this week, after being bestowed the honour of being the only person in the county to see Taylor Swift four times over. Sione Leota (34) from Campbelltown has the most highly sought after laminated ticket in his sizeable hands, a four-night mega-pass...

Nation’s Off-Season Girlfriends Thanked For Their Service Ahead Of Round 1

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A hard-working and valued group of Australian women have been recognised today, both for their valiant service and the fact they’re about to get a lot less attention for most of the year. In a formal service attended by Treasurer Jim Chalmers and catered by Heinrich’s Hotdog Hut, the noble women who have been dating a footy fanatic for...

Crowd At Bob Marley Movie Must Have Swam In The Pool With Their Eyes Open

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Betoota cinema owner Glen Brooks is one of many cinlicans who has observed a strange new phenomena amongst movie going audiences. In recent years, groups of movie goers have worn suits to the Minions movie, worn pink to Barbie and worn out the ears of all their friends after they went to an A24 film.  This new trend however centres...

Washed Up Veteran Accepts Fate And Signs 2 Year Contract With Gold Coast Suns

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A former rising star of the AFL has today met a fate written in the stars for some years now.  Daniel Gorringe has sensationally confirmed that he’ll be coming out of retirement to sign a 2 year contract with the Gold Coast Suns.  For those who aren’t aware, the Gold Coast is the final resting place for sporting careers in...

End Of Human Kind Nears As How To Last Longer In An Ice Bath Surpasses ED For Google Searches

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The last days of humanity may be approaching faster than first thought. While plenty of theories around climate change, biblical apocalypses and so on are often thrown around, it seems like humanity's love for each may be the eventual downfall. This comes after it was revealed that men and women all around the western world are more concerned...

Dad Keeps His Blink 182 Renaissance Alive By Refusing To Come Out Of His Room

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A taste of 1998 has come to one Betoota house as a celebrating dad has kept his Blink 182 renaissance alive by refusing to come out of his room. Although his kids consider the band a Kardashian affiliate, for dad Brian Ganju, Blink 182 represent the rebellious high school skater that he once dreamed of being and still occasionally...

‘Clean Girl’ Aesthetic Conveniently Gives Way To ‘Mob Wife’ Look As Hairdresser Raises Price For Root Touch Up

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACT SOPRANOS ERA: As the dust settles on 2023's 'Clean Girl' aesthetic, the wave of change crashing into 2024 seems to be leaving behind a trail of bronzer, fox fur, and to many’s delight, lower hair maintenance bills.  Enter 2024’s hottest new TikTok trend: the 'Mob Wife' look. But the aesthetic pivot not just a mere style choice; it's...

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