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Rubber Arm Accountant Says “Fuck It” And Lets Chippy Claim $500 Massage Gun As Work Expense

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A professionally dubious Accountant is being praised today, after turning a blind eye to some low level tax fraud. Working late to churn through the flooding pile of small business tax returns that continue to land across his desk, it’s understood local Betoota accountant Graeme Price-Coopers has decided to sign off on a 50/50 work purchase,...

Local Health Freak Opts For A Wholemeal Banh Mi With His 500ml Energy Drink

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local man Phillip Wells says you can eat a banh mi at any time of day, which is why he likes to smash one at smoko with his half litre of energy drink. Born from the trauma of French coloniliasm, banh mis, or Vietnamese pork rolls are now one of the favourite meals around Australia. Made by cutting...

Local Bachelorette Tries To Drop The Hint By Whipping Out The Chewy Packet After Dinner

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A local woman has found herself becoming a little anxious tonight after her date unexpectedly behaved like a perfect gentleman and didn’t attempt any moves. Having spent a good portion of dates trying to swerve an unexpected ‘hug and kiss’ goodbye, which she’d never been able to do in a subtle manner, Chloe Dixon now found herself on date...

Bald Men Of Australia Not Appreciating Jokes About Egg Shortage

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The Australian egg shortage has led to a lot of memes, but there is one group of men who are not cracking up. The Australian Bald Men Society (ABMS) have stated the amount of egg-related jokes at their expense has reached boiling point. “Stop telling me to assemble 11 of my bald friends and solve this shortage one carton at...

ATO Apologises And Refunds Gerry Harvey The $6.89 He Mistakenly Paid In Tax This Financial Year

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | CONTACT Gerry Harvey, the billionaire boss of Australia’s leading cultural appliance retailer Harvey Norman, has blown a gasket on 3AW Radio this morning. Affectionately known as the Paul Hogan of Australian entrepreneurialism, the future Australian of The Year winner has used the popular radio station as a platform to publicly eviscerate the ATO after it dared to steal $6.89 from...

Terror Alert! Council Receives Suspicious Envelope Filled With Nothing But Positive Feedback

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | CONTACT The Diamantina Shire Council has today barely avoided catastrophe. This comes as Council officer, Wendy Mitchell (58), who works in the large Customer Complaints and Dispute Resolution Unit that sits within the larger Community Frustration and Lack of Services Department of Council, opened a suspicious envelope and set off a cascade of inescapable events. Reports confirm that the envelope was...

Lowly Paid Child Care Workers Urged To Remember They Get To Play With Cute Kids All Day

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT The nation's struggling early educators have today been urged to put things into perspective. With the cost of living crisis spiraling out of control, poorly paid workers in the childcare sector have been told by their bosses and the rest of the nation to look at the bright side of life. "How many people get to play with cute...

Supply Chain Issues Force Starburst To Pull Delicious Fruity Blu-Tack Off Australian Shelves

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Lolly enthusiasts around the country are today reeling from the terrible news that a fan favourite will be no more. Starburst have become the latest company to be brought undone by supply chain issues, confirming that they won't be bringing their extra chemically and sugary brand of lollies down under anymore. Enjoyed by children and workplace breakroom visitors...

Australians Now Have Two Talking Points About Birmingham

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT As our nation’s top athletes touch down from another successful campaign flogging all the other countries in the Commonwealth, it’s believed Australians across the land have decided we have another reason to love Birmingham. Topping the medal tally with 178 medals, including 67 gold, it’s believed this year's games have only solidified our country’s love for the...

Trump Criticises FBI For Not Sending A Calendar Invite For Their Unannounced Mar-a-Lago Raid

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT The Former President of the United States has today slammed the nation's Federal Bureau of Investigation for treating him like anyone else. This comes after the intelligence and security agency raided his luxurious Mar-a-Lago home in Florida, with the details of the raid yet to be released. Given Trump's history, it can be speculated that it's anything from...

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