Breaking News

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A run of the mill white collar guy from our town’s very own Betoota Ponds is today preparing to depart the real world.  Albert Johnson, who is described as a ‘just a regular guy’ by his friends, family and intimate partner, is reportedly set to become a smuggler for the better part of the next 48 hours, after purchasing...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local Dribbler has gone a little rogue in the snacks aisle this evening, as he attempts to cure his case of February blues. With the BBL wrapped up, the Aussie UFC card done and dusted and no live Rugby League yet on the TV, local bloke Jayden Minto told The Advocate that his entire existence seemed...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact One of the forgotten victims of Treasurer Jim Chalmer's proposed super tax reforms has broken his silence, telling The Advocate that his very way of life is under threat. The boat-owning, hobby farmer explained that the government is moving the goal posts. "You can't just change the rules like that," said Martin-Bertram Bertram-Martin, a semi-retired financial...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The boss of Australia's favourite airline has today moved to hose down any silly questions from the nation's reporters. Alan Joyce has quickly assured the public not to get any funny ideas after Qantas posted a record $1.4 billion half year profit. "Don't be stupid, Qantas doesn't pay tax," laughed the man who raked in a $23.9 million...

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | Contact A relatively well-built young man with questionable fashion sense has made his way down from the Central West of New South Wales to the beating heart of Sydney this week in anticipation of a weekend of sport. On Friday night, David Brown of Manildra fame will be heading to the new stadium in Moore...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Phones have been running hot across hair salons in the Diamantina this week, as local netball Mums scramble to book in a new hair appointment. The mad rush comes after the Queen of Chardonnay Pop, P!nk, has announced that she will be returning to Australian shores in early 2024 with her much anticipated “Summer Carnival” tour. Playing a...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact One of the nation's greatest drought minds has weighed into the ongoing crisis in Venice that's seen the city's iconic canals dry up due to a lack of snowmelt and rainfall. The unsinkable Barnaby Joyce told Sydney radio this morning that people shouldn't be too quick to blame the Italian cotton industry. "Just because the rivers...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A crisp G♯5 tone could be heard across Rivendell Street in Betoota Heights this morning prompting some locals to ask the Facebook community page if anyone else was hearing the strange noise. What they heard wasn't artificial, it was beaming from the throat of Miles Doherty. The 29-year-old had just blasted his pinkie toe on...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Some silly old fuck from Betoota Heights that walks around town with his shirt tucked into his Gazman shorts, leaving a fleshy apron of gut hanging over his creaking braided belt, reckons our woes in India will be solved when Pat Cummins resigns and former coach Justin Langer comes back to whip some arse. After...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The unsinkable Barnaby Joyce is coming into bat for Australians who want access to their money so they can buy things they need now like new cars, cryptocurrency, property and ice cold schooners of Tooheys New. As the pandemic comes to an end for healthy young people, the Federal Government is looking to close the...