Local News

School Students Forced To Throw Baby Wipes At Each Others’ Houses After Toilet Paper Crisis

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT The classic school prank of covering somebody’s house in toilet paper for some reason has become another victim of the coronavirus as Australia’s high school students get priced out of the toilet paper market. LISTEN TO OUR COVID-19 SPECIAL WITH DR. NORMAN SWAN! WHAT TO DO? WHAT NOT TO...

Ashamed Hipster Forced To Wait In Line To Purchase Non-Artisanal Loaf Of Bread

LOUIS BURKE | Investigation | CONTACT As the frenzy around COVID-19 continues to fester, Australian supermarkets have given citizens a sneak preview into battling for resources during the end of days. With many supermarkets running low on essential items, harrowing stories have emerged of aggression and violence within these stores, some of which were tragically...

Correct Social Distancing Protocol Immediately Undermined By Friday Arvo Schooner Carry

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After a week of being on his best behaviour, Betoota Heights man Ash Timbs has let it all come crumbling down. Following his efforts to ensure he rigorously implemented correct social distancing practices at all times, the young Engineer has let it all go to waste with a...

Bloke Trying To Get Twelve Days Of Netflix Spends 3 Hours Eating Laksa In A Sauna Before Work

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT The employees of Betoota Engineering and Instrumentation Pty Ltd were subjected to emergency medical checks yesterday after reports an employee had displayed coronavirus symptoms. The employee in question, Boilermaker Trevor Dali showed up to work on Monday morning but was quickly sent home after complaining of a fever, cough...

Local Man Becomes World’s First Groomzilla During Cost-Related Wedding List Cull

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact You’ve heard of bridezillas and mumzillas, but this evening in a young  engaged couple’s home a new type of monster is evolving.  While going through their 190 strong wedding list that needs to be culled down to 170, Tom Adams began sulking about all the friends he had to cut...

Local Landlord Happy To Waive This Month’s Rent For Self Isolating Casual Worker

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a touching news story from our town's Betoota Ponds district today, a local landlord has shown his softer side. The acquirer of capital who inherited a couple of houses in a prime area from his parents which he leveraged to purchase a significant number of properties with very...

Local Man Downloads GrindR After Being Informed By Teenage COD Rival That He Is Gay

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Betoota Acres man Jason Denso, 27, has today learnt he is homosexual.  The news, delivered by a teenaged rival whose character he had just ‘360 no scoped’ in popular online first-person shooter game Call of Duty, came seemingly out of the blue. “It really came as...

Local Surfer Has 500 Different Ways Of Saying “I Went Surfing Earlier”

LOUIS BURKE | Investigation | CONTACT Ask surfer Alan McKendrick (26) what he did with his morning and his response will almost always have to do with an early start, a buoyant strip of fibreglass and the untamable ocean.  Those close to McKendrick would describe this activity as surfing but as the man himself and...

Bartender Preemptively Directs ING Cardholder To The Cheapest Tap Beer

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As bartending continues to become one of the nation’s fastest-moving jobs, those in the know are finding more ways to provide customer satisfaction. One such initiative started at French Quarter bar The Sailing Lumberjack where bartender Philipa Handley (32) uses Sherlockian tactics to make transactions faster than ever.

Local Hoarder Steps Up Security Around Backyard Pile of Retirement Copper

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Wrecking Yard Forklift Operator Dale Kipper never thought he would end up as a commodities trader, and yet here he is, with a big pile of copper in the backyard. And every time someone throws out a washing machine or clock radio, Dale and his side cutters are...

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