Local News

Tragic Scenes As Gay Man Loses Another Girl Bestie To A Mouth Breathing Straight Man

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTPoor local gay man Terrance Le (27) is today mourning the loss of his girl bestie Nina Porter (25), who has dumped him in favour of yet another mouth-breathing straight man. Tragically, Nina has reportedly fallen into the gravitational pull of her new boyfriend Finn, a man described as " 6'3, works in commercial real estate, and exclusively...

‘Women Only Swipe The Top 10% Of Men’ Says Bloke Whose Married Mates Are Definitely Not Top 10%

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA bloke who reckons that 80% women on dating apps only swipe right on the ‘top 10% of men’, has failed to realise that if that were the case, none of his mates would be in relationships, let alone married. Despite being surrounded by ordinary people very much in love, Ben Carson, 32, is convinced the system is rigged against...

Woman Who Can’t Be Left Alone With Thoughts For A Single Second Pops In Headphones For Two Minute Walk

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman who struggles with constant critical thinking has decided the best way to get around this is by simply ensuring her mind is occupied at all times, by either scrolling on social media, watching TV or popping on her headphones, it’s reported. Speaking to The Advocate, Clara Fitzgibbon, 28, reveals that being constantly stimulated is the only...

Conservatives Suddenly Concerned About Investor Using Negative Gearing On New Property

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Sections of our nation's media are raising the alarm this morning as Prime Minister Anthony Albanese updated his register of interests to include a massive rental income from his new Copacabana shitbox. Albanese and his fiance Jodie Haydon paid over $4m for it and now plan to rent it out for around $1500 a week....

Oh No Wouldn’t It Be Bad If We Put Massive Tariffs On America’s Biggest Import To Australia

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The nation is bracing itself for a possible worst case scenerio this month as US President Donald Trump's tariff war begins against his closest allies and neighbours. America attacked Canada and Mexico earlier this week with large tariffs on all products, only to almost immediately retreat and put them on ice for 30 days...

Local Woman Successfully Slides Back Into Ex’s Dms By Bringing Up How Unfair All This Luka Trade Stuff Is

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A Betoota Heights woman has today successfully wrangled her way back into her ex’s life, by inquiring how he’s doing with all this ‘NBA stuff going on.’ Despite not giving a single fuck about basketball, Lisa Lewisham, 28, figured this would be the perfect opportunity to strike up a conversation with he ex of three weeks - who had...

Queensland Girlie Becomes A Woman By Requesting A Couple Ice Cubes In Her Chardy

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Queensland girl has officially become a woman this weekend, having decided to water down a glass of painfully cheap chardonnay because it was too tangy. Friends of April Lindemann, 27, report that the milestone event took place on Saturday evening at a casual gathering among friends, where Lindemann, once known for proudly sipping lukewarm Passion Pop straight from...

Local Middle-Aged Woman An Absolute Menace On Duolingo

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTLocal Betoota Heights woman Fiona Hanson (59) is an absolute menace on Duolingo, reportedly reaching a whopping 2450-day streak on the language learning app. Initially downloading the app years ago to pick up a few French phrases before a holiday, Fiona has since spiraled into a full-blown linguistic obsession. Now an elite member of the Duolingo’s Diamond League,...

Hilton Valet Gets To Take A LandCruiser For A Spin After Luke Combs Lands In Australia

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA metropolitan man is discovering the glorious grunt of a farm workhorse this week as he assists some customers from out of town. Declan McKensie-Jones (30) is used to spending his days driving an array of BMWs and Mercedes, as he valets cars for rich boomers who come to stay at the Sydney Hilton Hotel. But this week,...

Breaking: Random Plus One At Party Decides It’s Time To Get Incredibly Pissed

MITCH M. CARTER | Culture | CONTACT Local underachiever Chris Crossley (20) has decided it’s time to get completely wankered at a party where he knows almost nobody.  The second-year student at Betoota Institute of Technology was a last minute invite to Jack’s 21st birthday party — a bloke he had never met before tonight.  “Yeah I just said bring whoever,” Jack said, arms full...

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