Local News

Arts Student Lies And Says He’s Doing Commerce Subjects In Generous Father’s Day Present

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Sorry advertising, but someone already got Dad exactly what he wanted this Father’s Day. Betoota Grove Arts student Bartholomew Crandle (21) has gone all out for Father’s Day this year by pretending he is doing Commerce subjects in front of his dad Chris Crandle (50). During...

Millennial Suffering Festival Withdrawal Stands In The Sun For 30mins To Buy $12 Beer

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact 2020 has been rough for Absinthe Carlsson, 19. The self-confessed Festival Fiend has been staring at the brightly-coloured festival promo posters plastered around the bedroom of his Western Sydney sharehouse, knowing full well that they have all since been cancelled due to COVID-19.  “It’s...

Man Starting On That Minimalism Journey Admits He Can Probably Chuck Those Unused Condoms

BEAU RIVERS | Local News | Contact Cleaning out his overpriced and undersized Kogarah apartment, local man Jack Derrin (27), has today taken the first steps towards a life of productive minimalism. Minimalism is a trend whereby participants discard their unused possessions, in order to make room for things that truly matter.

Dad Visibly Disappointed His Family Took The Old “Don’t Get Me Anything” Literally

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local dad has struggled to hide his emotions this morning after waking up on Father’s Day and finding that his family had done absolutely nothing for him. Speaking to The Advocate over a piece of Vegemite toast, Trenton Edwards, explained how this is the first time all year...

Capitalism Rewards Hard Work Says 30 Year Old Stay-At-Home Son With An Investment Property

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Speaking this morning from an unpopular CBD office building foyer, a 30-year-old finance guy has today set the record straight on a big issue. Dale Wilson has confirmed that capitalism is a flawless economic system that doesn't deserve to have it's merits discussed going forward.

Year 12 Student’s Exam Anxiety Disappears After Deadshit Cousin Tells Them It Isn’t The Be All

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a feel-good story from Betoota Ponds this afternoon, a local Year 12 student has had a weight lifted off her shoulders. This comes as the Betoota Ponds High finisher gets set to tackle her Trial QCE exams, in preparation for the real thing in a month or...

Funny Man Brings The House Down By Tagging Mate In Ad For Erectile Dysfunction Treatment

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A man looks set for the relatively bright lights of some international festivals after putting his comedic prowess on full display today. 3rd year apprentice Bruce Shayler did so this morning by taking a break from tagging his mates in photos of dildos on drills, to tag one of his mates in...

Coward Who Suggested ‘Kick-Ons’ Now Ready For ‘Bed’

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT An act of tremendous cowardice was committed in Betoota’s French Quarter this weekend as the self-elected host of kick-ons decided they were ready to go to bed. During an uncanny valley COVID-era visit to a pub, local grog monster Henry Sheffield (29) enjoyed an evening on the piss with...

QLD COVID Guidelines Recommend Sanitising Goonsack Before Giving The Hoist A Spin

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In order to continue the Queensland way of life and maintain the ability to blame CoronaVirus on no-good southerners, the state government has released a series of COVID-19 guidelines they hope will do both. One of the most strongly advised guidelines recommends sanitising the goonsack before giving the hills...

Alleged Panic Buyer Just A Local Dad Doing The Shopping For First Time In 30 Years

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact As CoronaVirus continues to make a home in Melbourne like a craft beer loving street artist, the message from the government couldn’t be plainer; don't panic buy. Although this message has been spread far and wide there are still some who are not getting it and are loading their...

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