Local News

Finance Bro That Rode The Crypto Wave Now Seen Getting Heavily Into Cashback Apps

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT Like many twenty somethings who have no hope of getting a house the regular way, local finance bro Alan Fletcher has gotten really into saving or magically quadrupling money where he can - all in the hope of landing that elusive large sum. This quest to become a millionaire overnight has seen Alan obsessively checking his crypto wallet multiple...

Bloke Parked In Loading Zone Says It’s Okay Because His Car Is Really Expensive

COL DUNCAN | Local | CONTACT A local boomer has earned the scorn of workers at the Betoota Plains Mall this morning as he parked his luxury vehicle in a very clearly signed, and usually busy loading zone. Local worker Zane Bradley (34) saw the incident take place.  “These guys, they buy a car for a hundred grand, and they think they can just park it wherever...

Suppressed Lana Del Rey Pixie Resents Parents For Not Forcing Her To Learn Musical Instrument

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT A Betoota Grove woman has today expressed anger towards her parents for failing to force her to take up an instrument or attend dance classes as a kid. Rita Croydon is alleged to have attended a highly co-curricular Catholic school as a teenager, but has only just realised for the first time that cool hobbies or a penchant...

Friendly Convo With Random Couple At Bar Intensifies With ‘We Think You’re Very Attractive’

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT Sometimes, admiration can come from the most unlikely of places and for local woman, Maddie Coates, a seemingly innocuous drink has turned into a solicitation. It’s alleged the twenty-six-year-old had ventured into town with a couple of girlfriends, for a belated celebration of a promising new job. Opting for the Gatsby Hotel, Maddie had gotten into the inebriated state where...

Local Priest Struggling to Find Silver Lining To The Pandemic In First Draft Of Christmas Sermon

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local Priest is suffering a severe case of writer's block this afternoon, struggling to make any headway into the first draft of his 2021 Christmas sermon. After a year of extended lockdowns, global financial instability, mass death and hospitalisation, it’s believed Father Patrick Hasler (63), Parish leader of Betoota Heights New Faith Church, is at a...

Single Girl Reassesses Whether Jude-Law-In-The-Holiday Might Be Unrealistic Criteria For Dating

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT If you've watched one too many romantic comedies, chances are you’ve had a crush on Jude Law at some point. There’s preppy rich boy Jude from The Talented Mr. Ripley, naughty lothario Jude from Alfie, zaddy Jude in Sherlock, and of course, Jude in his finest form - The Holiday. Of her favourite movies to recycle each Christmas (half of...

Group Of Woo Girls Overcome With Jealousy As Cute Bartender Starts Charming Other Patrons Too

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT It's never a nice feeling to know you've been played, and for some Betoota Grove girls, that startling realisation can be even worse when you're hammered. It's alleged Izzie, Emily and Addie had decided to have a cocktail night, which would see them blow an excess of $200 each on fruity drinks that would have them in all sorts...

Sshhhh Local Sex Machine Can’t Say Too Much About Schoolies Around Mum, But Yeah

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A formerly awkward teenager has returned back to town after schoolies week with a bit of swag, and a new pair of sunnies, it has been confirmed. After pulling back into the drive-way of the family home in his dark green 1994 VW Golf, the whole neighbourhood stops for a moment to take in the new man. The 17-year-old...

Local Dads Spotify Yearly Wrap Gives Perfect Summary Of A Year In Lockdown With Toddlers

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT A local dad has unfortunately been one of the few people who didn’t appreciate their Spotify wrapup, which was yet another reminder that 2021 had been absolute hell. As a father of two children under the age of four, Peter Lewisham would have had a tough time regardless of lockdown, considering both kids needed constant stimulation and were...

Local Woman Avoids New Anti-Trolling Laws By Launching A Smear Campaign The Old Fashioned Way

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT With the proposed new anti-trolling laws set to make it increasingly harder for keyword warriors to voice their thoughts without repercussion, some people have had to get a little more creative with their smear campaigns. Rachel Hollis is alleged to have been just about to send a tweet criticising a member of parliament, when news broke of legislation...

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