Local News

Mum Under Impression That Fruit And Nut Chocolate Is ‘Healthier’

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local mum who is trying her best has today brought home two bars of Fruit and Nut chocolate. Jennifer Agassi, the mum of three, saw the chocolate on special at Franklins and thought she might treat her adult children to a healthier alternative to their usual...

“Gotta Go, I’m Getting Into A Lift” Says Man That Hasn’t Moved For Three Hours

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Our reporter may have discovered the smartest way to end a phone call that’s ever existed. “Sorry to cut this short but I’m just getting into a lift, do you want me to call you back after? Nup? Ok, no dramas," said the man sitting on the bench.

Local Woman’s Impulsive Purchase Of New Planning Diary Solves Everything

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Just over a week into Dry July, Emily Richmond, has discovered a new lease on life that has seen her find ambition and motivation that was previously buried deep below a fortress built on rosé and tequila. While still in a crippling amount of Afterpay debt, being behind on...

Anti Social Relationship With Alcohol Laughed Off With Drunk Alter Ego

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local woman has completely rid herself of any responsibility for her actions last night after she revealed it wasn’t her that abused her brother’s new girlfriend, but rather her drunk alter-ego.  Tamara Phale, or Tash when she’s drunk, went on an absolute tear last night following a long...

Nation’s Dads Would Like To Hear The Weather Report

MATILDA MARTIN | Local News | CONTACT A new study has been released and the results are conclusive -- the entire nation’s dads would like to hear the weather report. According to scientists, all dads everywhere across Australia have tested positive for a desire to shush everyone in the room in order to hear what the...

Anti-Vaxxer Parents Warp Life Expectancy Statistics By Counting Child’s Age In Dog Years

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Some residents of the Northern Rivers of NSW have today figured out how to game the system. Daisy and Luke Watersmith from the bohemian region revealed an incredible trick they've been using to improve life expectancy. Rather than vaccinate their children and protect them...

Sleep Deprived Man Eats Entire Bowl Of Sugar Without Even Realising It Wasnt His Normal Cereal

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT In a somewhat sad story breaking out of our town's Heights district this morning, a docile local bachelor has consumed nearly 250 grams of sugar before 9 o'clock this morning. The bizarre incident occurred earlier today when the young man accidentally filled his entire bowl up with sugar...

‘Love It Or Leave’ Says Man Who Regularly Tells People He Hates What Australia’s Become

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A local retiree from our town's Betoota Grove has again taken to social media today to let his 56 Facebook friends (who are mostly relatives and fake accounts) that he is disgusted at what has become of the country he once loved. Incensed for the third time already...

Employees Forced To Appreciate Boss’s Meme

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In the ever coarsening of the daily grind, employees of Bush Catering were forced to appreciate a meme shared on their mandatory internal communications system. The reason for the forced appreciation was due to the fact that the below average meme was created by their boss.

“Stop Buying Avocado Toast” Says Boomer With Personalised Number Plates

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The decomposing dead horse of jokes about avocados and homeownership continues to be beaten into the cold, wintery earth with vigour as newsagent Keith Quigley (65) weighs in on his children's spending habits. According to Quigley, his adult children can’t afford to purchase a house as they are frivolous...

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