Local News

Local Woman Justifies Uncertain Retail Purchase By Telling Self It’ll Look Better With A Tan

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Despite being in one of the hottest countries in the world, Betoota Heights woman Heather Mills has never been able to be anything other than pasty pale. Preferring the term ‘porcelain’ rather than ‘pasty’, Heather admits that her pride often took a hit during the summer months, as...

Local Boyfriend Under Fire For Controversial Early Decision To Leave The MAFS Experiment

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local boyfriend is under fire today for a snap decision that could change his life. Will Harrison (27) of Betoota Heights fame last night controversially decided to 'leave the experiment.' "Nah I'm flat out fucking done with Married At First Sight," sighed the...

So Much For Global Warming Says Local Shared Facebook Account After Big Weekend Of Rain

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Climate scientists are once again reeling after a pair of local property owners have landed a nother body blow. The blow comes in the form of an aggressive Facebook status posted by John, of John And Sherryl, which completely refutes what the account refers to as 'Global Warming.'...

Family Notified The Old Man’s Going Out Somewhere By Brisk Tucking In Of T-Shirt

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The family of Bruce Walters have just been alerted to the fact that he's heading out and about. That alert came in the form of the 64-year-old semi-retired plumber tucking his t-shirt into his jeans before noisily looking for his flip phone and wallet. The...

Report: Most Identifiable Difference Between 20s And 30s Is Negroni Instead Of Aperol

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The age old social faux pas of asking a woman her age may be made redundant today after a report released by the CSIRO revealed you can now determine someone’s age without even speaking to them.  The year-long study carefully monitored two separate groups of women, one in their...

Universally Attractive Hollywood Star Actually An Undercover Hottie, Says Bloke Named Drew

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An incredibly good-looking actress that just about everyone in the world knows about doesn’t get enough credit for how hot she is, says a local insurance assessor named Drew. The Betoota Heights bachelor, who hasn’t really been with a woman for the best part of two years, has today asked...

Lazy Labrador Lets Out A Small ‘Oof’ At Sounds Of Potential Danger

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local household has narrowly avoided danger today, courtesy of their slightly overweight Labrador, Charlie. The family pet, known affectionately as ‘fat ass’, had taken up his usual sleeping spot near the front door when some suspicious footsteps caught his attention. Though he had...

Weak Water Bubbler Most Intimate Situation Local Man Has Experienced In Months

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Despite his best efforts, Betoota Heights Tim Brown has had a hard time netting himself a date lately. Brown, an accountant and owner of an indie film critic blog, reveals that he’d been feeling especially shit over the holiday season as everyone, including his weird uncle Joe, appears...

Yuppie City Gym Blasts A Bit Of Kendrick To Make Corporate Sacks Feel Harder Than They Are

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact A local gym as introduced a new policy to make men who’ve grown up in Betoota over the past couple of decades with relatively little violence in their lives feel tough. The inner-city gym that charges $80 a week thinks they’ve found a way to at least...

New Mother Seemingly Only Person In World Surprised By Natural Ageing Process

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact Despite growing up herself, Kate Domonic has today revealed to the world that she still hasn’t quite figured out the natural ageing process of a human. The discovery was made after the young mother uploaded a photo of her baby with the caption “how are you 6 months old already?”

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