Local News

Local Girl Enters SILENT MODE While Channelling All Her Energy Into Not Throwing Up In Cab

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT At age 27, you’d think local woman Sarah Gardiner would have worked out that slam shooting ten vodka lime sodas in the span of two hours was not a wise idea. But considering she’d vastly increased her piss fitness over the years, Sarah had fallen into the trap of believing she was immune to drunkenness - especially if...

Little Cousins Add Spice To Family Gathering By Performing Dance Routine To Very Explicit Song

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A family gathering has this weekend been thrown into a tailspin, as two cousins decided to throw an impromptu dance recital. It’s alleged the Davis family had gotten together for their biannual catch up, which saw family members from all areas of Queensland arriving for a BBQ.  Though the event was designed so the family could keep tabs on...

Local Man Saves Turtle From Having Straw Pulled Out Of Its Nose By Finding A Bin

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A heroic local man has today done his bit to save a big old sea turtle from the worst of humanity. After enjoying a morning stroll down to the yuppie inner city French Quarter Markets for a  halloumi and egg roll, Will Woodward decided to tack on an $8 orange juice as well. Because, he’s hungover, and it looks like...

Parentally-Funded Housemate Straight Up Leaving The Heater On All Day

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Joan of Arc Ladies College alumnus Rachel Bueren (21) states she has never considered herself a feminist, but is partaking in a radical new move that is disrupting those around her anyway.  Although claiming to be living ‘below her means’ in a French Quarter sharehouse, it appears that the first year psychology student has identified another lifehack afforded to...

A Side Of McNuggets Get The Call Up As Local Man Commits To This Naughty Meal

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact It is clear as day to staff of Betoota Ponds Maccas that regular customer Aemon Trot (38) has had a flop of a day and has called for a naughty meal to lift his spirits. While usually known for his childlike joy while ordering a large double quarter pounder meal with a coke no sugar, drive thru worker Matilda...

Bill Gates Admits He’s Now Regretting Turning Down Clippy’s Offer Of Relationship Advice

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Bill Gates, or ‘Gatesy’ as he is known by his new mates down at the TAB, has admitted today that rejecting Clippy’s relationship advice was a mistake.  Clippy, the default Office Assistant, was introduced to widespread disdain in Office 97, annoyed users for a decade and was eventually humanely euthanised during the development of Office 2007.  “He was just trying...

Dad Still Getting Mileage Out Of Asking Vegan Daughter How They Milk Those Almonds

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact In an interconnected world that has seen comedy become a faster moving industry than ever before, dads of Australia are grateful that some classics never die. A father of six/staunch keeper of dad joke traditions, Graham Aslop (68) claims his time-tested tummy ticklers are the pride of his family. “Any time a kid gets in the way of the TV...

Local Woman On Keto Diet Just Having Strepsils For The Fuck Of It Now

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact In a Wonkarian effort of confectionary creativity, local Keto dieter Sian Levy has claimed to have a sore throat in order to smash another entire pack of Strepsils. The Ketogenic diet, more commonly known as the Keto diet (or the Atkins diet if you can remember the ‘00s) involves consuming three low-carb, high-fat meals a day and according to...

Bedtime Procrastination Sees Local Bloke Watching Pakistani Pool Building Videos At 3am

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT After a long day at work, local bloke Ryan Peterson has found himself falling into a deep YouTube hole. It’s alleged the 27-year-old engineer had had a particularly stressful day at the office followed by a brutal gym session, which had eaten up most of his day. By the time he’d staggered through his door at 9 pm, Ryan’s...

Inner-City Leftie Finds Himself In That Strange Place Again Where He Agrees With Andrew Bolt

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A young man from our town's cosmopolitan French Quarter is on the same page as Andrew Bolt, something he says happens once every five or six years. Lloyd Peterson, an Arts student at South Betoota Polytechnic College, said he discovered he had the same opinion as Andrew Bolt on the Morrison Government's India Travel Ban...

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