Local News

Generous Woman Lets Plastic Bag Blow Away To Feed The Local Dolphins

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A stressed young lawyer has today decided to feed our local freshwater Dolphin population.  Bethany Williams (24) did so earlier this week after a plastic bag of hers got caught in the wind and drifted out of her grasp. The incident occurred at the end of her extremely brief lunch break in the park, away from her desk - something...

Next Customer In Line Gives A Sympathetic Nod After Cashier Cops An Earful From Karen

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT There’s nothing that unites people more than a shared hatred of what just might be the worst thing to come from the boomer generation since the housing bust - the surge of Karens. A phenomenon that hospitality and retail workers have unfortunately taken the brunt of, considering they’re essentially the front line. Though the origin of the term...

Voice Note Instead Of Message Suggests Goss Must Be Pretty Good

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Waking up to a series of voice notes from her best friend Tracey, local woman Natasha Potts knows she’s about to hear some absolute bangers. It’s alleged the 23-year-old had gone to bed unusually early the night before and had missed the 9:30 mark, which is usually the time her friend had a meltdown. Though Tracey had a habit...

Yosemite Sam Spare Tyre Cover Warns RAV4 Driver Is Not To Be Fucked With

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT In a dire warning to her fellow motorists, School Admin Assistant Diane Petrov, 47, has taken aim at tailgaters with her RAV4’s new Yosemite Sam spare tyre cover and she’s clearly not fucking about. The popular covers feature Looney Tunes character Yosemite Sam with a gun in each hand and the words “BACK OFF!”; a threatening addition common to...

Woman Cops Judgemental Looks After Admitting Her First Crush Was Kovu From The Lion King 2

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local woman Lindsay York has accidentally revealed a little too much about herself today after a chat about first crushes ventured into strange territory. It’s alleged as her friends had fired off conventional responses such as Jeremy Sumpter in Peter Pan and the boys from Supernatural, Lindsay had thrown a spanner into the works by announcing her first crush...

Divorcee New To Dating Apps Blown Away By Men Offering To Cook The Highly Complicated Spag Bol

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a year-long divorce process, Bianca Paladino (43) says she's excited to see some of these other fish that her friends keeps telling her are out in the sea. The recently single local mother has today revealed to The Betoota Advocate that her online dating experience has been full of surprises, as she navigates her way back into the...

Suburban Middle Class Dad Really Keen For Movie About Suburban Middle Class Dad Unleashing

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local white collar father of 4 has this week gone to one of his happy places. Not the back deck or the shed with a cold generic beer, but into the world of an action movie called Nobody, with lots of fighting, loud noises, and hyper masculine behaviour.  And, even better, it’s an action movie about a quiet, well...

Child Of Anti-Vaxxers Has Tantrum In Apparent Midlife Crisis

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Chamomile Dando-Hobbs (3) is in serious trouble, not only with her parents but with the unstoppable forward march of time. This morning, Chamomile woke her parents inside their Betoota Parklands tiny home, loudly screaming about something her infant vocabulary didn’t have the depth to clearly articulate.  “She is carrying on like it's her first lifetime,” stated father Purelove Dando-Hobbs as...

Local Woman Looks Around Room To See If Anyone Heard Weird Noise After Yawn

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local woman has accidentally made her best impression of Goofy today after failing to contain a wayward yawn. It’s reported that Melissa Bunac was trying to stay awake in one of her humanities tutorials, which was made all the harder as her tutor Mr Richards had the vocal cadence of a slow beating drum. As Richards had gone...

Young Fella Embarks On First Foray Into Adulthood By Discovering What Pro-Rata Means

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT After years of hard work, sacrifices and many tubs of two minute noodles, third year uni student Isaac Peltman has officially landed his first industry related job. The business student is said to have been offered a job at a local marketing agency, after interning as part of the uni placement. Unlike a lot of other digital agencies...

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