Local News

“My Phone Battery Is Fucked” Says Mate With ADHD Who Doesn’t Leave The Fucking Thing Alone

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local man who goes through iPhones quicker than running shoes is today complaining to anybody who'll listen that his phone battery is fucked and won't hold much charge anymore. There are people in North Korean hard labour camps that have an easier job than John Dollarhyde's mobile phone. From the moment the 37-year-old wakes up...

Local Woman Watches In Awe As Friend Seamlessly Chucks Hair Into Bun Without A Single Road Bump

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman has today had a glimpse into what it must be like to be one of the chosen people, after witnessing her friend chuck her into a bun without a single road bump. Though this phenomenon would be considered unpressworthy to the average bloke, the act of being able to do the flip hair into a bun...

Cody Simpson Becomes Most Successful Musician/Athlete Since Brett Lee’s Foray Into Bollywood

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Popular Gold Coast man Cody Simpson has this week achieved an incredible feat, jumping from the deep end of the music industry into the deep end of a swimming pool. The successful pop star has this week bagged himself a Gold medal at the Commonwealth games. This comes nearly a decade since he started dropping bangers and collabs...

Local Bloke Agrees To Take Part In Nightclub Brawl After Spotting Hectic Older Cousin Up The Back

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Patrons were treated to some old fashioned windmilling on the dance floor of one of Betoota's premiere nightlife venues in the early hours of Sunday morning, it has been confirmed. In the heart of the Old City District, 'Luhrmann's Lounge' has been the go-to spot for late night revellers for over 30 years, and judging by the weekend's brouhaha...

Local Woo Girl Puzzled As To How Boyfriend Can Just Have An Individual Can Of Beer With His Meal

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woo girl has this week had to reconsider her relationship with alcohol, after finding herself feeling genuinely perplexed by her boyfriend’s casual drinking habits. Steph Gilmore tells The Advocate that she and her partner Greg were having a pub lunch at the Shifty Hen, when he ordered a can of beer alongside his parmi. Knowing that they...

Local Woman Resents Her Stupid Brother For Inheriting The Unfairly Long, Thick Eyelashes

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIf there's one thing local woman Shae Huxley has learned in her twenty-two years on earth, it's that life isn't fair - a statement that rings true whenever she finds herself sitting next to her brother, Nathan.Though she'd had long been aware of Nathan' absurdly long, thick lashes, Shae constantly found herself seething with anger whenever she spied...

Cost Of Living Crisis Forces Supermarkets To Padlock Dumpster To Maintain Food Waste Culture

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In response to what the Australian media are calling the cost of living crisis, supermarkets have stepped up and begun padlocking their dumpsters to stop would-be scavengers and maintain food waste culture. With the Australian Bureau of Statistics reporting average prices on regularly purchased items have increased by 6.1%, the highest in 21 years, many Australians have resorted to...

Stepdad Sucks The Prawn Head

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAs the nation continues to embrace the culinary Christmas traditions that give us our own little glimpse into culture, Aussies are once again enjoying the delicious taste of prawns. A food you have to work for to truly enjoy, shelling fresh prawns over a bucket of discarded exoskeleton before consuming the fishy morsel, dipping your fingers into some lemon...

Sweaty Dad Told To Avoid Nice Furniture And Take Rightful Place On Towel Covered Armchair

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local dad has narrowly avoided ruining nice furniture today, after coming home from work caked in sweat. It’s alleged John Reid had a habit of sitting on chairs instead of hopping in the shower, much to the annoyance of his wife Deb, who’d grown sick of constantly chastising him. Declaring the expensive chaise lounge as ‘no go’ zone,...

Ungrateful Newborn Reserves Biggest Smiles For The Two Hours Spent With Dad After Work

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs local mum Courtney Delonge watches her newborn erupt into the biggest smile she’s ever seen, she wonders if it’s rational to resent your child. Because that smile is not for her, no. It’s for daddy. After spending an entire day with attending to the unrelenting needs of her son Jacob, Courtney wouldn’t have been wrong to think that his...

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