Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA French Quarter woman bragging about the merits of doing ayahuasca ceremony in Costa Rica has been informed that it’s actually possible to ‘cleanse’ one’s demons (bowels) for half the price, by simply drinking some tap water in Bali. Anita Hobbs, 28, is alleged to have been heard singing the praises of her recent trip abroad, which involved forking...

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTWAIT FOR THE DROP: Pleads Molly, Betoota’s amateur DJ and underground banger enthusiast as she locked eyes with her friends, hoping to see a glimmer of approval for the unheard-of track she's just unleashed upon them. Wearing her wealth of banger knowledge as a badge of honour, Molly enjoys nothing more then to strike up a conversation about...

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACT A local porkchop is being accused of absolute dribble this afternoon as he prepares to launch himself into a lavish wedding.On route in an Uber to Little Trotters Winery, friend of the groom Hayden Denman (29) has told a car load of mates that he thinks weddings aren’t that difficult to organise, and that he could...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke has found himself asking why the fuck he’d never heard of a German Club before, after having a chicken schnitzel the size of a chihuahua for dinner last night for just $28, in Betoota Ponds. Speaking to The Advocate, Nick Brown, 29, says he feels like he’s stumbled upon some kind of cheat code to the...

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTA local man is having a bit of moment this afternoon after realising he’s no longer the young gun touch player he was in his teens.Having grown up playing footy in the mid-2000’s, Shaun Prince (30) enjoyed a glittering early athletic career which took him to a variety of touch footy carnivals across Queensland playing for...

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTA reserve grade winger is expected to be on jumper wash duties this weekend, after his gratuitous attempt at showboating saw him put an unforgivable stain on his club jersey. With scores locked at 12-all, a last minute intercept try by Rhys Sailor saw the Betoota Muttaburrasaurus edge out the Windorah Windmills over the weekend, in a...

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTIn tragic news for one of Betoota’s high tax bracket battlers, a yearly trip to the Australian snowfields has been called off. The Advocate understands Martin Smiggens-Smith, an investment banker from Betoota Grove, has had to break the news to his three private school educated children this morning, who were devastated to learn they won’t be heading...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTIn an unexpected twist that has left sommeliers weeping, Passion Pop - a drink best known for its extreme carbonation and suspect flavor profile - has made a triumphant return to the millennial palate.  The fizzy, fruity beverage that was a staple amongst teenagers throughout the 00's and 10's, is experiencing a glorious renaissance as the current cost of...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights woman has this week had her Subaru keys officially revoked, after revealing that she’s never heard of the sensation that is Chappell Roan. The popstar, who has exploded in popularity over the last couple of months, has been lauded as the ‘Gen Z Lady Gaga’, due to her strong vocals, charismatic stage presence and drag queen...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTAfter a solid six-year run of local hoodlums turning rivers and harbours into e-bike graveyards it appears the classic gag is finally coming to an end. Since their introduction in 2017, rental e-bikes have attracted drunk people like moths to a flame, namely, the strange urge to chuck them into a body of water. Spike Percer (27), a seasoned bike...