Local News

Winter Chill Inspires Overpaid White Collar Man To Hit The Gym In 3/4 Skins Under Footy Shorts

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTIn local sporting news, a Betoota Grove man is primed to hit a personal best on the spin bike this morning all thanks to a new pair of leggings. Austin Edwards, an analyst at PwC, is believed to have arrived at the Platinum Fitness First on Pratt City in Betoota’s CBD flaunting a gym outfit costing...

Local Girl Soft Launches Euro Holiday With Location Tagged Picnic Featuring That Swanky Ham

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACTIn global news, a Betoota girl has launched into her European holiday a little softer this year as she attempts to play up her credentials as an international woman of mystery.​​Arabella Edwards-Smith (28) is reported to have just begun her month-long pilgrimage to Europe, as she looks to escape the dire Australian winter for something a...

Woman Doing Beauty Routine In Front Of Gen Z Niece Unaware Her Life Is About To Be Ruined

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman who doesn’t spend much time online is unaware that she’s just about to become the subject of a social media firestorm, after making the mistake of putting on a charcoal face mask in front of her Tik Tok obsessed niece. Maeve Campbell, 32, a marketing executive and micro influencer from Sydney, is alleged to be staying at...

White Collar Man Alone In Pub Beer Garden At 3am Creates Path Of Destruction Like The Joker

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTA white-collar man who's friends left him at a pub beer garden at 3 AM alone, has once again entered his 'villain era' as he was able to be rude, careless, loud and sneaky all at the same time.Local marketing man Xavier Howard (32), was in the city on his usual drink up with some of the lads...

Local Bloke Alerts The Ladies Of His Commitment Issues By Rocking A Linen Shirt And Whoop Watch

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke has this week been praised for being upfront about his dating intentions, by rocking an outfit that quickly notified every woman at French Quarter Pavillion that has absolutely no intention of settling down any time soon. Sporting a Venroy linen shirt, a Whoop watch and a pair of boat shoes without any socks (also known as...

Share House Stoner & Art Student Battle Over Rights To Recycled Cardboard 

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA wrestle over finite resources is taking place in a Betoota share house as the resident stoner and passionate art student fight over who has rights to the recycled cardboard.Made up of individuals who can be more accurately described as ‘trauma survivors’ than ‘house mates’, residents of the Betoota Ponds sharehouse, affectionately known as the Deep Fat Gentri-Fryer,...

Nation Witnesses First Ever Disagreement Between A Liberal Treasurer And A News Corp Reporter

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Australia is reeling this morning after seeing proof that unicorns might exist. The proof comes in the form of former Liberal treasurer Peter Costello clashing with a journalist from the Australian newspaper. In a video released online, the now current Chairman of Nine Media can be seen moving towards the journalist who then ends up on the ground....

“People You May Know” Section Overflowing With People You Wish You Didn’t Know

KEITH T. DENNETT | REAL LIFE | CONTACT A collection of ghosts have appeared uninvited on the front porch of a local girl's mind this evening as she tries to enjoy a Facebook scroll in peace.Harriet Bain-Marie (32) is reportedly tonight questioning whether the Facebook algorithm is in fact controlled by an all-knowing, omnipotent sadistic Digi-God, as she takes a look through the “People...

Bender At Point In Night Where Physio Student Assesses All His Mates’ Injuries

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | ContactIt’s just ticked over 2:30am at a Betoota Valley kick ons and third year Physiotherapy student, Drew Sommersby, is about to see his first patient. Despite operating outside typical business hours and his blatant lack of qualifications, a half-dozen friends remain undeterred and are eagerly lining up to have their injuries assessed. The Advocate’s reporter just happened to be...

Nephew Outed By His Roach-Pillaged Tally-Hos After Uncle Asks To Roll A Smoke

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTThe long weekends are a great time for Aussies to get together, spend time with family and learn way too much about each other after a few drinks.One such unintentional overshare took place after uncle Trent Blipp (56) asked his nephew Taran Blipp (23) if he could roll a smoke for him please.Although uncle Trent isn’t normally a...

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