Local News

Phone Addiction Realised After Attempt To Set Alarm Results In 30 Minute Social Media Scroll

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local woman Alyshia Stephenson has just come to after losing 30 minutes of her life down a social media black hole. Dazed and confused, Alyshia sat there wondering what the hell happened. “I just went on there to set an alarm,” she said. “Then I came to and 30 minutes had passed.” “I don’t even know what happened.” This type of behaviour...

Woman Deletes Message From Stranger In Hopes Of Removing Drunken Friendship From Memory

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Ellen Sobrata has woken this morning with more than just an alcoholic hangover. She’s also experiencing sharp pangs of anxiety brought on by the fact that she gave her phone number to a complete stranger she met at a trendy Betootan rooftop bar. Ellen was reminded of the number exchange as she scrolled through her messages and saw an ‘X’...

Waitress Backs Herself Without Pen Or Paper

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Patrons of French Quarter cafe The Almond Teet, have been left anxious and confused as waitress Jess Hamilton (26) has begun relying heavily on her memory skills and is taking orders without a pen and paper. Since opening in 2015, The Almond Teet is a proudly alternate food destination that according to it’s mission statement, likes to do...

Disappointment As Mum Reveals Christmas This Year Is With The Weird Cousins

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | Contact A bubbly Betoota Grove sexagenarian has taken time out of her busy afternoon of smoking cigarillos on the deck and watering the geraniums while they're in direct sunlight to ring her children to say that Christmas this year is with the weird cousins. Debbie Mulgrave, a semi-retired Crown Prosecutor, broke the news to her directionless son Colin Junior around...

Local 30-Something Viewed Quite Differently By Peers After Learning He Can’t Drive

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Day broke by the Lake Betoota Boatramp this morning as three local shift workers reversed their beloved Quintrex into the deep and majestic waters of Western Queensland's deepest body of water. Moments after the hull slid off the rollers, skipper Sam Davison threw the keys to his ex-cab EL Falcon to one of his mates to park the car...

Healthy Option From Work Cafe Once Again Fails To Hit The Spot After Way Too Many Chances

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A investigation has reported that the healthy wrap from the work cafe has failed to hit the spot for the 22nd time. Wanting to spread her wings during her strictly monitored lunch hour, employee Gina Kidman (33) elected to visit the ‘Business Park Kafe,’ a venue that meets her criteria of being 50 metres away from her desk...

“Hey, That Looks Pretty Easy” Says Local Deadshit About To Try Fly Fishing For The First Time

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Yesterday morning around 9, Peter Midas' phone rang and on the other end of the line was Liam Cruikshank. Liam is a keen fisherman with a particular penchant for the fly fishing variety, however, he seldom finds people willing to stand alone with him in a local river for hours on end. Which is why, on a bright Monday morning,...

Senate Inquiry Concludes Vintage Sunglasses Are In Vogue This Summer

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Federal Senate inquiry into the reemergence of vintage sunglasses this spring has all but confirmed that the fashion accessory is back in fashion this summer. The news was met with mild fanfare this morning in Canberra, with Greens leader Richard Di Natale yelling across the chamber to his Conservative colleague Cori Bernardi: "Strike a...

“Don’t Talk To Me About Oppression!”: Charity Mugger Receives Tongue-Lashing From Wallabies Fan

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An overly-polite and softly-manner door-knocking charity worker has been yelled off a Betoota Grove property this morning after he attempted to speak to the homeowner about the many oppressed peoples the world. Rather than receiving a stern but nice 'no' from the man, Duncan Pegg got an absolute tongue-lashing. Duncan, who has been collecting monies for...

Supermarket Lasagne Slowly Defrosting On Kitchen Bench Says Mum’s Clocked Off For The Day

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The shoes are off and the Austar IQ is working double time. Brenda Matthews is 'fucking' done for the day. Four ice-cubes clang against the tempered glass of her chardonnay chalice as the 21-year-old* spoke to our reporter through the screen door of her rendered brick four-bedroom McMansion in Betoota Heights this afternoon. From all accounts, the...

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