Local News

Ugly New Apartment Tower Makes It Up To Locals With Medium Tier Fast Food Chains On Street Level

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTIn a groundbreaking never before seen move to compensate for its aesthetically challenged appearance, the newly erected Lotus Towers in the inner South of the city has announced plans to win over disgruntled locals by offering a selection of medium tier fast-food chains on its street level, and also a metro-woolies, you know? those ones that are slightly...

Soon To Be Automated Copywriter Commits To Existential Crisis And Adds ‘Proficient In ChatGPT’ On Resume

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTUser849: Write me a article about how my job as a copywriter is going to be replaced by AI:ChatGPT: Certainly! Here's a simple article on how you’re job as a copywriter is now irrelevant: It’s time ChatGPT takes centre stage in the realm of content creation, the traditional role of human copywriters faces a formidable adversary, and I,...

Report: Girl Math Nowhere Near As Reckless As Boy Math

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTBOY MATH: After months of exhaustive research, evidence recovered by Betoota is shedding a light on the stark contrast between "Girl Math" and the impulsive nature of its rogue counterpart, "Boy Math.” The hospitality lobby group, Licensing Inquiries and Testing For Australian Management (LITFAM), has confirmed that"Girl Math" operates within the realms of sensibility and financial caution in...

Local Woman With Flat Phone On The Train Begins Reminiscing About That Free Stalker Newspaper

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA rapidly ageing millennial has found herself reminiscing about her university days this morning, after finding herself twiddling her thumbs on the train. It’s alleged Courtney Barnes, 29, had forgotten to plug in her charger overnight, resulting in her phone going flat roughly three minutes in her 45 minute train ride. She speaks to The Advocate about this harrowing experience. “Look,...

Bloke Who Ran Out Of Shot Glasses For The Boys Reckons Random Plastic Thing In Dishwasher Will Do

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights bloke not educated on the modern forms of period care has unknowingly given one of his mates a rather intimate experience this weekend, it’s reported. It’s alleged James Mason, 29, had invited a few of his mates over after a successful footy game, where the debauchery had quickly escalated after the token gronk, Ryan, had spied...

Local Woman Hoping 14th Saved Overnight Oats TikTok Recipe Is The One

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman has refused to admit she’lll never be the early rising, health conscious gym junkie she’s always yearned to be, by saving yet another overnight oats recipe fed to her from her Tik Tok algorithm. Charlotte Stone tells The Advocate that she ‘fully intends’ to make the overnight oats, just as she ‘fully intends’ to get cracking...

Bloke Hogging Council EV Charger Comforted By Fact That Fellow EV Drivers Not Capable Of Confrontation

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A blatant example of roadside selfishness has gone unpunished today, as a Betoota Grove-based EV driver takes advantage of the brief window in Australian history where the only other people driving EV vehicles are soft cocks. Dennis Denton (45) used to own a Holden Commodore in the 2000s. Because of this, he has an engrained skillset that helps him...

Mate Who Works From Home Reckons He’s Got An Early Start Tomorrow

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTThe absolute nerve of this cunt has been observed in the quiet suburbs of Betoota as from-home worker Oliver Corton (34) reckons he’s got an early start tomorrow.  As a self-employed freelancer, Corton barely registered that there was much going on in the world in the past five years as he generally enjoys a day of rolling out of...

Cost-Of-Living Crisis: Cocaine Now So Expensive That Influencers Are Resorting To Paying For It

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTYoung people are feeling another economic blow as cocaine is now so expensive that local and domestic influencers have had to resort to paying for it. Known for being the stimulant of choice in the 1980s, cocaine has had a bit of a comeback in recent years due to an increase in hustle culture, nostalgia, and you know, the...

Local Bloke Realises He Must Be Getting Old After Favourite Musician Gets Booked At The RSL

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Ponds bloke has had a rather cruel taste of mortality this week, having experienced the excitement and crippling disappointment of finding out that your favourite band is coming to your town…but at the local RSL. Steven Wright, 35, tells our reporter that he’d practically jumped out of his seat after learning that the punk band he loved...

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