Former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce had quite a rude awakening overnight, after struggling through a ‘rather painful experience.’

Speaking to The Advocate on the way out the door at last night’s Parliamentary Mid-Winter Ball, Mr Joyce said the shindig was probably one of the worst evenings of his political career.

While he’s been to plenty of Mid-Winter Balls in his time, Joyce explained that this was the first time he’d turned up to the political blue light social completely sober.

“Goodness me,” sighed a visibly exhausted Joyce, leaving the awkward party just 90 minutes in.

“I never realised how fucking painful these people were”

Joyce, who is continuing his oath of sobriety after successfully giving up the booze for the Catholic observance of Lent, said he now knows why he drank.

“They’re all fuckwits.”

“All of them”

“My party. The opposition. The independents. The journos”

“Don’t get me started on the ‘business leaders’ who get invited. What a bunch of manboobed suck ups”

This comes as the Member for New England reveals that he’s lost 15 kilograms and improved his health drastically since jumping on the wagon after an embarrassing incident earlier in the year.

“The only blokes in that building that I’d take fishing are the TV news cameramen”

After powering through a six pack of zero alcohol beers, Barnaby said he had the option of joining Bob Katter at the bar for a few tall glasses of full-strength cows milk, or he could’ve just gone home and watched Sons Of Anarchy.

“Bob’s alright but he’s half mad. You’d have to be to spend any longer in that room sober”

“Plus I think he’s been sneaking some white rum into that milk with a hip flask”

The now sober and glowing Nationals MP looked back into the room, before shuddering.

“I gotta go. Have you ever had the displeasure of enduring a conversation with Michaelia Cash after she’s had a few bubbles? Hell. Hell on Earth I tell ya. Fuck this shit. Oh my God, look over there, Jim Chalmers is doing push ups. What a bunch of lightweights. Fuck this. I’ll be the only one at work tomorrow before 12pm”


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