The Nation

Sydney Tradie Promises He’ll Make A Start On The New Bathroom Reno Next Construction Shutdown

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Sydney plumber has today made an earnest promise to his better half. The man with another 10 days off work on his hands has promised that he'll make a start on doing up the second bathroom during the next construction shutdown. This comes after nearly 2 or 3 years of putting off the job in the place...

Palaszczuk:”Oh No, Please Don’t Make Me Go To The Opening Ceremony! Nooo! Stop!”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The holidaying Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk says she's actually gutted that Australia Olympic Committee Chairman John Coates is forcing her to go to the Olympic Opening ceremony. "Oh no," she told Mr Coates in front of dozens of reporters this evening in Japan. "Please don't make me go to the Opening Ceremony! Nooo! Stop!" "John, please. It's...

Albo Begs Nation To Not Let Scotty Use The Off-Chance We Win A Gold In BMX As A Distraction

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT HE'LL TRY ANYTHING: The off-chance that Australia might nab a few Olympic gold medals at the Tokyo Hunger Games over the next fortnight might be the only reprieve that Scotty From Marketing has from an unflattering news cycle that has finally cottoned on to how bad he is at leading our country during a major crisis. With 15 million...

Mate Who Reckons He Knows Difference Between Types Of Wasabi Now Only Drinks -196

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A worldly local man of culture has today confirmed his life-long allegiance to the popular Japanese drink -196.  Similarly to certain dad’s who nail their colours to the mast of a mass produced pale ale after trying it for the first time, Ben Kovacs said it’s all -196 going forward for him.  Speaking to The Advocate today, the big fella...

Palaszczuk Reveals 2032 Olympic Surfing Event Will Be Held At South Bank Beach

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT With Brisbane buzzing this morning, Queensland's Premier can reveal that preparation for hosting the 2032 Olympics has already begun. With the river city beating no one to the right to host the Summer Olympics in a decade's time, Annastacia Palaszczuk has made a significant venue announcement. "It is with great excitement that I can reveal our Irukandji will...

Scotty Celebrates A Brief Distraction From His Woeful Jab Stroll Out

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's Head of Marketing is today enjoying a brief reprieve from shirking responsibility and hiding from the media. This follows the historic decision to award the 2032 Olympic Games to the river city of Brisbane last night. The decision was celebrated by huge crowds in the free city of Brisbane, and by Morrison, from the confines of...

With No Major Outbreaks, Tasmanian Government Struggles To Distract Voters From Housing Crisis

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The leader of the island outpost of Tasmania has today revealed he kinda wouldn't mind a bit of an outbreak if he's honest. Without the lockdowns of the mainland to occupy voters, Tasmanian Premier Peter Gutwein says he's struggling to distract people from the housing crisis crippling the state. "The spicy cough's kind of the perfect distraction from...

ABC Hoping To Bring A More Chilled Out Vibe To Q&A After Naming Costa Georgiadis As New Host

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT I'LL TAKE THAT AS A REALLY COOL COMMENT: The ABC has this week had to confront the toxic brand of public debate that they have created by hosting weekly arguments between the loudest members of the Australian political class on live television. This week it was announced that the public broadcaster is again looking for a new host for...

Annastacia Offers Olympic Organisers 7 Million Bucks To Relocate Tokyo Games To Townsville

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Premier of Queensland has today made another last-ditch pitch to snag a major sporting event. Speaking exclusively to The Advocate via telephone from Tokyo, Palaszczuk confirmed she's offered to take the Olympics of Japan's hands. "I told them I'd dangle a nice little 7 million dollar carrot if they want to just pack and move the whole...

Government Demands UNESCO Relabel Barrier Reef With Less Alarming “Goin Through Sum Shit”

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Federal Government has today revealed that they've gone all out on an international lobbying mission. Not to secure more supply of crucial jabs that could help navigate us out of lockdown, but to try and convince Unesco not to label our Great Barrier Reef 'In Danger.' Environment Minister Sussan Ley has reportedly been on a whirlwind international trip...

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