The Nation

“Run Those Climate Bastards Over!” Says Man Who Dodged Draft Because He Didn’t Want To Die

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Climate strikes and protests brought the heart of our town's Old City District to a grinding halt this morning, prompting one local retiree to say people should just run the bastards over and get on with it. Over a dozen young activists glued themselves to...

Local Man Begs For Leniency After Court Sentences Him To Move House By Himself

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A 44-year-old man convicted of fraud offences has been sentenced in local court this morning to move a house by himself. Magistrate John Collins explained during his sentencing remarks that Bradley Roger Oliver of Steelhouse Circle, Betoota Heights, was brazen in his crimes and showed...

Local Gay Man Begins Early Stages Of Quarter-Life Crisis With Impulsive 2014 Bieber Bleach

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT James Stewart had been grocery shopping at his local Woolies when he experienced a sudden anxiety attack. The successful lawyer turned entrepreneur turned philanthropist had recently celebrated his 25th birthday and was worried that he hadn’t accomplished much in life. “It was quite harrowing,'' says...

Marketing Pigeons Smash Some Asahi To Celebrate Being On First-Name Basis With Rod Macqueen

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Somewhere in Tokyo, not too far from the fabled Shibuya crossing, some of Rugby Australia's marketing pigeons are downing some Sapporo's to celebrate being on a first-name basis with Wallabies World Cup, Bledisloe and Tri-Nations winning coach, Rod Macqueen. The pigeons, who are largely nameless...

Barnaby Left Spewing As Drought Envoy Credit Card Declines Buying Last Minute Tickets To RWC

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Morrison Government's Special Envoy To The Drought repeatedly entered his credit card details into Qantas' website this afternoon only for the big red bus company to come back and tell him the card doesn't work. Barnaby Joyce has told his superiors that he needs...

NSW Betrays Christians By Passing Bill That Helps Provide Adequate Healthcare To Women

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The New South Wales government has today shocked one of their biggest supporter bases by deciding to decriminalise a universally acknowledged medical procedure that helps women. After final vote in the Lower House which the Premier missed because she had to "run the state" - a bill was passed...

University of Canberra Set To Become Greenest Tertiary Institution In Australia

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The University of Canberra is slated to become the greenest university in Australia according to a government report after the herb was granted parole in our nation's Capital Territory yesterday. The decision heralds in a new era in the inland community's steeped history.

Cafe In Local Industrial Park Found To Use More Turkish Bread Than Entire Nation Of Turkey

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A one-room cafe in the Betoota Heights Industrial Park has been found to go through more Turkish bread than the entire nation of Turkey. The Industrial Estate Cafe on Greenbryer Road was audited by the Australian Tax Office this year after they claimed to have...

Lucy Zelic Forced To Apologise For Telling The Truth About Adelaide

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact SBS football presenter Lucy Zelic has been forced to apologise today after labelling Adelaide 'dull' and 'a shithole' on some show about soccer last night. Despite both those statements being true, the Canbranese footballer faced backlash overnight from those in the Commonwealth who speak like...

Scott Morrison Slams US For Giving Visa To Unaccompanied European Child That Arrived By Boat

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Prime Minister Scott Morrison has slammed the United States overnight for granting a visa to an unaccompanied European child who arrived by boat. Labelling the decision as an 'absolute brain-snap', ScoMo said that this will only encourage other unaccompanied children to cross vast oceans in...

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