Local News

Local Creep Stands A Bit Too Close In Otherwise Empty Row Of Urinals

13 April, 2016. 10:15 MERV HARRIS | Contributor | CONTACT In a bizarre turn, a local man chose to stand immediately next to another man at a row of vacant urinals in Betoota this afternoon. Identified only by the Sydney Roosters tattoo on his wrist, the culprit took up the position at the otherwise empty bank of amenities in a quiet suburban pub early hours...

Local man plans to put new stomach staples to the test over dinner

12 April, 2015. 17:45 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact KNOWN NOW TO his mates as "Staple Man", a North Betootanese network engineer said this morning that his new stomach will be no match for what he's planning to eat for dinner. Glenn Peterson once had a lap band, but it broke during a 2012 binge at the old Hong Wang Diner...

Local Machine Hammers Entire Bootload Of Groceries In One Trip

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local woman, Deborah Farrah (45) has stunned neighbours today by transporting $300 worth of groceries from the boot of her Holden Commodore to the kitchen bench in one load. The single-mother-of-three says its no big deal, and sometimes you just need harden up. "Yeah, the fingers were hurting by the time I got to the steps, but...

Local Milf Signs On For Second Season Of Teenage Neighbour’s Wet Dreams

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Milf, Catrina Deardan (41) is completely unaware that she is the sole reason her teenage son's schoolmates are having extra long showers before dinner. The mother of three - who is seemingly ignorant to how fucking hot she is - also has a similar affect on her teenage neighbour, Tim. Another close friend of her fourteen...

Local Vegan Plans To Send You Some Links That Will Explain It Better

30 March, 2016. 15:10 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local vegan Jamie Hemmant feels like he isn't doing a good enough job of explaining his boring lifestyle choice - so he's going to send you some links, it has been confirmed. Not even thirty minutes into your first catch up in eighteen months, Jamie has found a way to turn a...

Betoota Expectant Mother Worried Airport Expansion Will Harm Her Unborn Child

24 March, 2016. 10:39 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact THE GROUND HAS BEEN BROKEN and construction has started on the controversial expansion of Betoota Airport, giving hope to the local chamber of commerce but sending other members of the community into a rage. One of those raging against the plan is local mum-to-be Jeanie Kyte. After reading an article her 34-year-old stay-at-home-mother...

Town Divided Over Which Disgusting Shopping Plaza Should Host Transport Office

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local mayor, Councillor Keith Carton has today announced a brief setback in the installation of new Transport Office downtown. Speaking to media today out front of the Diamantina Pastoral Hotel, the Lord Mayor said his office were torn on which specific near-derelict shopping plaza will win the bid to host the RTA. "We are looking for...

District Man Has A Lot Of Teeth For A Smart Cunt

22 March, 2016. 11:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact HE'S OFTEN QUICK WITH the jokes or to bludge one of your smokes, leaving many local Betoota residents wondering how he's still got all of his teeth. Speaking from experience, former smart cunt Gavin Cooley says by the time he turned 30, he only had three of his own teeth left. "I made...

Local Dad Begins Racist Tirade By Explaining That He Has Plenty Of Black Friends

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local accountant, Dion Macey is not racist because he has plenty of black friends, he has confirmed. Shortly before, and after, his twenty minute tirade about "what is best for Aboriginals" - Mr Macey insisted on pointing out that his politically incorrect comments came from a good place. "Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty of black...

The Plan To Help Generation Y Buy A Home In Sydney

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact SYDNEY NEEDS TO BE less desirable and more dangerous according to a new political party hell bent on helping young Sydneysiders buy a house in the harbour city. Following a city planning model similar to Brazil's Rio De Janeiro, The FairGo Party plans to destabilise Sydney to the point where people will actively feel afraid,...

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