Local News

Hugo Weaving Strikes Back: “Everybody Who Went The Logies Took The Blue Pill”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Actor Hugo Weaving was criticised by a man on breakfast television last week for his obvious lack of enthusiasm surrounding his historical Logies Best Actor nod - saying that he should be more grateful to the bosom than spawned his impressive career. It was revealed that Weaving, a Nigerian-born migrant, was snubbing the award ceremony last...

Human Being Perseveres With Speaking English To His Dog

"How are you mate, are you doing alright?" asks local dog-owner, Keiran. His 3-year-old honey lab, Dilbert, doesn't respond. "How about this cold. You don't like this cold do you? " he asks. Still no response. No one else is around, so Keiran isn't really playing this up. This is honestly what he does all the time with his dog. Other than getting excited...

Woman With No Reception In Bathroom Mindlessly Attempts To Refresh Instagram Feed

In a visit to a French quarter cafe’s bathroom, Bridget Jenkins (27), tried to unsuccessfully refresh her Instagram feed at least three times, it is understood. The cafe bathroom is a known reception black spot, which often breeds desperation in the minds of excretors as they’re faced with the prospect of dealing with their head noises instead of numbing them...

Scratches Around Sharehouse Keyhole Offer Clues Into The Lives Of The Degenerates Living Within

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact There is a house on Greenpoint Road in Betoota Heights in which four bags of shit live. Not because they want to - but because they need to. Within the walls of number 21, these young white cis-gendered heterosexual middle-class warriors often get up to no good. Banjo, Gregory, Colin and Stanley love to blow off steam any way they can. Bags...

Dodgy Old Labourer On Jobsite Really Stinging For Pattaya Aye

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local loudmouth and downright degenerate landscaper has once again had another crack at talking about rub and tugs in front of the other subcontractors at a South Betoota worksite today. Keith Keithington (60) has come in strong with a story about how he paid an illegal sex worker to give him a hand job while visiting an...

Locals Sports Club Announce Steven Bradbury As Guest Speaker For The Third Year In A Row

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact If it's not broke, don't fix it. That's the message that the community is getting from the Betoota Heights Ultimate Frisbee Association (BHUFA) today after breaking the news that champion speed skater Steven Bradbury is returning to their annual luncheon as guest speaker. For the third year in a row. Speaking exclusively to The Advocate this morning ahead of the July...

Exhausted Man Writhing Around In Bed At 4AM Not Quite Tired Enough To Periodically Check Phone

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Despite his best effort, Damien Cottonwell didn't get much rest last night. A heavy Carbonnara dinner; he even used full fat cream. "I know it's not the traditional recipe but I was feeling naughty," he explained to The Advocate this morning. "But I was hunting a good night's sleep so I had a huge dinner and went to bed early....

Matte Finish On M3 Suggests Local Drug Dealer Wants To Go To Jail

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture| CONTACT Betoota’s top drug dealer, Jyleigh Barron, has been elusive to local police for the 10 years. Always seemingly 2 steps ahead of them. That was until he bought himself a ten-year-old BMW M3. It isn’t this particular car that gave Jayden away, it was the fact that he decided to apply a matte finish to the exterior of the...

Everyone Shut Up! Hayley Is About To Tell A Quite Visual Recount Of Her Most Recent Root

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A group of five girlfriends have been told to shut the fuck up this evening, because Hayley is back in the game. While catching up for their bi-monthly girls dinner, the group of girls who make up a fusion of both work and high school friends, have got some serious goss to sink their teeth into. Most notably, the fact...

Punter Who Bet On Number Of Corners During World Cup Last Night Could Stop Now If He Wanted To

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |Contact Oliver Braddon has assured The Advocate this morning that he could stop gambling literally anytime he felt like it. The 27-year-old solicitor at Adams & Adams in the French Quarter, who would reportedly bet on two flies walking up a wall, sat down with our reporters to outline why his girlfriend’s concerns are unfounded. Braddon, who bet on over 7.5 corners to occur in the 10...

Social

781,079FansLike
603,780FollowersFollow
119,365FollowersFollow

Breaking News