LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

A disturbing report by the CSIRO has confirmed that herbal tea is a gateway into other alternative remedies such as crystals, essential oils and not vacinating your kids.

The long-term study followed the lives of average Australians and found a staggering 33% of herbal tea drinkers ended up abusing crystals and essential oils.

These numbers compare to 2% for coffee drinkers and 0% for mainstream beer drinkers, with the most at risk individuals being recently divorced women in coastal towns.

The controversial 14 year study has already been criticised by the alternative therapy community, including leader Gem Shala who stated “this type of negativity really grinds my chakras.”

“All scientific studies are bias because they are done by scientists,” stated Shala under the pink glow of a salt lamp.

“Where was the report done by free spirited people like me who aren’t scientist and don’t even believe in science in the first place? So out of alignment.”

In the report, one subject discusses how they made the move from supermarket herbal teas to visiting specialty tea shops, places regarded as the epicenter of crystal and essential oil conversion, with incense usually making an appearance somewhere in the middle.

“I purchased this tea because I liked the taste and then they told me about the healing qualities, I didn’t realise what was happening at first,” stated subject #14 Amethyst Marigold.*

“Before long I was pickling my own kimchi while facing North with a $400 jade egg in my pocket”

Marigold has since claimed she is now recoviering and has not had a drop of herbal tea in 18-months, let alone any exposure to essential oils or healing crystals and in a personal milestone, was able to visit a McDonalds without protesting.

*Real name not used but, this is what people called her for a while.


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