Local News

“You Need To See The World,” Says Woman Who Spent 3 Weeks Blind Drunk In Europe Ten Years Ago

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Work colleague Tracey Rhiannon (34) may have overstepped some boundaries this week by telling younger co-workers they “need to see the world” - like she did when she spent three weeks blind drunk in Europe ten years ago. Aged beyond her years, Rhiannon occasionally feels the need to state that her age makes her a wise and experienced...

Local Tradie Refers To Picturesque Location As “Today’s Office”

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local chippy has let his social media followers know that they should be pretty jealous of him today. Kayden James (23) did so by posting a photo of the picturesque location he is working at and titling it 'Todays Office.' The young man uploaded the photo from a location on the coast today where he and his boss are...

Uber Driver Shifting Through Automatic Transmission Like He’s Driving A B-Double Up A Hill

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Pulling up at the lights on Greens Road in Betoota Heights, local Uber driver Bill Stroker clunked his late model automatic Holden Cruze in park as the lights turned red. His passenger, Butter Waterford, was confused. She thought long and hard as to why he'd done that. Where they about to get out and walk the...

Pathetic Sook Looking Forward To Abusing Airline Staff Who Weigh His Carry-On

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Sadly, the bollards are still bolted to the ground at Remienko International Aerodrome after the unpleasantness in Sydney all those years ago. However, that fact is largely being credited with saving the life of a remarkably unpopular city worker today after he abused a female staff member because she said the man's bag is overweight and would have to...

Man Railroaded Into Complimenting Friend’s Weird-Looking Baby

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter man has confided in The Advocate today about something that happened to him on the weekend that left him with an odd feeling in his stomach. Dylan Westacott said he was railroaded into complimenting his friend's strange-looking baby on Saturday afternoon at a Christmas barbeque - something he says creeped him out. "That...

City Worker’s Colleagues Getting Quite A Kick Out Of How Scat She Is After Weekend Festival

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "So how was it?" he asked. "Great, it was really fun." "How was the music?" he asked. "Great, it was really fun." With her EmuPass still on the floor of a rented Hyundai iMax outside Betoota Airport, Lucy Steerson was forced to buy another one this morning just so she'd be able to get the bus to work. This...

Power-Tripping Coworker Chooses Shitty Xmas Party Venue That Caters To Her Cigarette Habit

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The entire workplace of Lorigan And Co Accountants in Betoota Heights have today been treated to the news that next week's staff Christmas party will be at one of the grossest pubs in the area. Mainly due to the fact that Lanny from the front desk loves punching darts, and is also in charge of organising the event. Whispers...

“Coal Is Technically Vegan And Organic” Says Inner-City Leftie Justifying Purchase Of Tesla

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A semi-retired geologist is at the centre of a localised firestorm this today after he attempted to justify the purchase of a used Tesla motorcar by saying coal is technically vegan and organic. Betoota Grove resident Gregor Spearson, who was once so moved by the slaughter of whales by the Japanese that he bought a bumper sticker for his...

Pub Raconteur’s Story Ruined By Mate’s Mate Googling Everything

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Who was that cunt and why did you bring him to the pub last night?" At 6:04 am this morning, the first message buzzed the group chat and Nick Friesen wanted some answer. The Diamantina Air Freight pilots often meet on a Tuesday afternoon for a quiet drink at the Dickless Parrot in Betoota Heights, which was once a nice...

Parents Complain About The Decreasing Value Of Their Property Like Their Kid Is Supposed To Care

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact After flagellating herself all morning for being born middle-class to two polite and stable property owners, a happy-go-lucky city worker has had to endure said parents moaning and complaining that their hyper-inflated asset is now sharply decreasing in value. Joining her folks for lunch this Tuesday gone, Emile Seymour said aside from the normal questions about her life and why...

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