Local News

Report: Uncle Boof’s Been Playing Up Again

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by everyone at a Schultz family barbecue has found that Uncle Boof might have been carrying on over the last few months. Last thought to be working FIFO in Moranbah, Uncle Boof has been flying under the radar for a while now, and it doesn't sound like he's been seeing much of Kath and his kids. When...

Trolley Boy Too Damn Good At His Job To Be Let Go For Intimidating Shoppers, Smoking Weed

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A modern day stockman at the local Coles has once again survived several allegations of calling people fuckwits and smoking dirty bungers. The pimply teenager, who claims to have punched on with blokes as old as 19, will not be getting fired for his recent misconduct. Management states that Corey (15) is too damn good at his job to be...

Team Passing Drill Throw A Curve Ball As Prop Cheekily Handballs The Steeden

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact If fourth-grade suburban rugby league is the sport of kings - Paddy O'Connor is certainly the crown price of the local competition. Either that or court jester - according to those who play with the swashbuckling 29-year-old prop forward. Case in point being at a forwards gym and drill session down the Dolphins Leagues Club this morning, says his long-suffering...

Sickening Chemical Odours Wafting Out Into Arcade Suggest This Nail Salon Might Be The One

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local nail salon in Betoota's inner-city suburb of Roma Hills has been rated as a solid 9.5/10, judging solely off the smell. ToP pOLiSh can be found at the the sixth left-hand shopfront in the grimey Roma Arcade, just between the RTA and the prominent Australianised Chinese Restaurant, Red Lotus. While no one you know has actually gotten their...

4-Hour Drive Confirms New Girlfriend Is Not Quite On Beyonce’s Level Yet

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact Betoota Hills robot, Colin Dominican (29) thought his newish life partner, Sandra Wentworth (28), had it all going for her. She was hot, funny, loved footy and getting around his mates - in his eyes she was perfect. That was until they decided to have a weekend away together at the Diamantina Resort, 4hrs North of...

Grease Medley Megamix Saves Boring Wedding

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A Betoota Ponds wedding has been saved from being a completely lacklustre affair with the DJ deciding to whack on the Grease Medley Megamix and crank it up to 11. According to wedding DJ Walter Casey (54) he doesn’t usually smash the Grease Medley Megamix until later in the evening but upon seeing what an uptight and sorrid...

Hungover Recount Of Last Night Unable To Identify When Now Weeping Cigarette Burn Happened

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact Local Betoota Quarryman and all-round piss cutting legend, Jeronimo Regalé, has this morning had some trouble pinpointing the exact causation of the 5mm circular burn that is now weeping on the underside of his bicep. Jeronimo, who is laying on the couch adjacent to his housemate, Clive, is trying his best to recall what could...

Study Finds Fresh Plant Horses Should Be Right After A Few Neck Rubs

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A recent survey conducted by the Australian Stock Horse Association (ASHA) has found that fresh plant horses that live to throw first-year jackaroos can be pacified by a simple rub on the neck and a few kind words. The group's spokesman spoke briefly to The Advocate via telephone this morning to discuss the study's findings. "Horses can smell fear; they can...

Bilingual Mate Asked To Showcase His Second Language After Three Schooners

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Hey Christian," bellowed Christan's oldest mate from the office, Dave. "Come over here and speak some of your fucking parseltongue to these blokes. What's that thing you say?" Christian had to interrupt a conversation he was having with another coworker and come over to Dave Gregson, who was now swaying in the cool desert air like...

Inner-City Leftie Cuts Line Of Coke With Forehead Of Colombian Child On World Vision Card

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An apathetic inner-city leftie looked into his wallet this afternoon during a long-corporate-lunch looking for a rarely-used card to cut a line of cocaine with. Behind his expired Medicare card, Darcy Saxon-Willis found one he'd never used to slice himself off a bit of nosé before - a $75 World Vision Gift Card he meant to...

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