Local News

Golf Cart Undermines Any Benefits Of Actually Playing Golf

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT ‘Proud gold wife’ mug recipient Lorna Davies (65) was happy to hear her husband was spending more time outdoors, until earlier this week when she discovered he was using a golf cart, undermining any of the health benefits he would have received from actually playing golf. Under the assumption that her overweight partner of forty years Graham Davies (68)...

“Kids Have Ridiculous Names These Days,” Says Bruce

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As a slow news week draws to the end, publishers everywhere scramble to engage their online audience with a story about the weird names people are giving their children these days using quotes from an agreeable man named Bruce. According to Bruce, names have gone too far these days and new parents need to rein it in when it...

Vape Smoker Treats Himself To An Analog Durrie

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Korin Petersen is the type of young go-getter that grabs the bull's horns with both hands, slides his legs around its neck and takes the ride. Which he why today, of all days, the 3D modder feels like taking it back to where it all started. Two-milligram cigarettes - and he's sure as shit not about to buy a pack. Which is...

Boomer Who Supported Joining The US In 4 Pointless Wars Condemns Americanisation Of Halloween

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Albert Jensen has had just about enough of the Halloween rubbish this week. The 65-year-old retired accountant from Betoota Grove hit out at the growing celebration of the American holiday of Halloween. Jensen explained that he is fed up with all of this nonsense about a day we shouldn't even be celebrating over here. "The fact that I'm even here talking to...

Gen X Graphic Designer Renovates Terrace House Car Port For His Prized Saab

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Gillion Andersen has finally shaken his builder's hand today and put the cherry on top of his new reno. The 52-year-old father of 2 smiled at his builder's handiwork after the new carport he wanted to protect one of his most prized assets, reached completion today. The Graphic Designer from Betoota's French Quarter decided to undertake the 'stressful' and 'onerous' task...

Local Nurse Sleeps Easy Knowing She’s Paid More Tax Than Qantas And News Corp This Year

INGRID DOULTON | Health | Contact A deep sense of pride washed over Nicole Grayling last night as she finally got into bed after a double shift at Betoota Base Hospital. As her spine decompressed and her ankles cracked back into their natural positions, she drifted off to sleep knowing that she proudly paid more tax this year than some of Australia's...

Man Heroically Pays For Lunch By Saying He Needs The Points

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man has wowed some half cut mates today over a long lunch. The 28-year-old commercial leasing agent from Betoota’s Heights district was enjoying the company of a couple of friends down at an Old City District restaurant when the conversation briefly turned to what should be done about the bill. Harley Thomas, who for...

Couple Plan European Destination Wedding Under The Impression People Have Time And Money

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The family whispers were true. As Lucy Wilmott opened her mail this morning, the heavy thick letter at the bottom of the pile confirmed her worst fears. Her cousin was getting married - in Spain. "For fuck's sake," she said, standing next to our reporter in her apartment complex's mail room. "Who does she think she is? Who the hell has the...

Suburb’s Gentrification Process Now Complete With The Arrival Of Dogs Wearing Raincoats

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Our desert community is mourning the loss of another suburb to the horrors of gentrification this morning after a dog was spotted in Gawden Estate sporting a raincoat. The one rough neighbourhood has been under attack in recent years from do-gooder city workers and the parent-subsidised South Betoota Polytechnic Students who were initially attracted by the...

Confused Boomer Having Trouble With Flip Phone Seeks Help From Equally As Confused Gen Z

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Fuck!" he shouted. "Nathan! Get in here!" A local 13-year-old felt his stomach drop. Had his father finally cottoned on to the fact his garden hose was getting progressively shorter? Did Dad open an email from his English teacher that explained the recent detention he got was for pretending his glue stick was a penis? As young Nathan Washbrook...

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