Local News

Christmas Holidays Forces Entire Neighbourhood To Listen To A Three Hour Rendition Of Hot Cross Buns

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A northern suburban neighbourhood is today copping an earful thanks to the public school system. In what might be the greatest example of sadism in the 21st century, Ben Smalls, a tone deaf eight year old, was reportedly given some holiday homework courtesy of his psychopathic music teacher. Though that seemed bad enough, it was made worse by...

Local Woman Considers Faking Pregnancy To Get Out Of Drinking During Silly Season

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact For Dina Galley (29) silly season has been in full swing since the October long weekend, which for the self-proclaimed ex-partier, it’s more than taking its toll on her. So much so, that she is today considering taking the drastic step of faking a pregnancy to get out of future engagements. Speaking exclusively with The Advocate, Dina said she...

Local Woman Who Doesn’t Need Your Approval Would Very Much Like To Have It Please

MATILDA MARTIN | Local News | CONTACT One Adelaide resident doesn’t need your approval…. But she does want it. Desperately. Andrea Carlton, 24, works in Marketing in Perth and says she has broken free from the bad habit of needing to have other people’s approval constantly. She says the change has saved her a ton of time and made her a much happier person. “I’m...

Smart Friend Asks You If You’ve Seen Latest Colbert Video

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Max Dabton was just minding his own business when his mate, Henry Wanksać, did the intellectual equivalent of spitting in someone’s face. “Mate, you seen Colbert’s latest video?” asked a smug Wanksać, knowing full well that Dabton didn’t watch Colbert. “Man, the way he talks about US policy is just incredible”  Speaking with The Advocate after the intelligence assault, Dabton further explained why...

Punch-On At Regional Pub Unfortunately Only Between Two Siblings That Can’t Really Fight

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Patrons at Betoota’s Royal King Hit Hotel have been let down by something that isn’t a craft beer tap takeover for a change. At approximately 10:30 pm, a fight between two men started in the gaming room, drawing lopsided eyes away from the screens telling them how much of their daughters' education they just lost. Unfortunately, the brawlers were identified...

Report: Mate With Disney+ Already Owns Every Movie On Video And DVD

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As Disney makes a daring step closer to managing your every action, word and thought, their new streaming service Disney+ has launched in Australia. Especially excited about this is office administrator Corrine Scott (32) who has already purchased her subscription to the streaming platform she will gladly neglect adult responsibilities to enjoy. “Aah! All 29 seasons of The Simpsons!” exclaimed...

“These Bloody Junkies Are The Reason She Can’t Get Any Valium Nowadays” Says Local Junkie

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local mum/ white class junkie Debra Mills was left reeling today when her attempt to get Valium was quashed. Debra reveals that she’d seen her local doctor about a self diagnosed anxiety disorder and ‘sleep problems’ when she was simply written a prescription for Lexapro and sent on her way. Disappointed that her thinly veiled plan had failed,...

Local Woman Still Buying Goon Gets Wake-Up Call After Her First Friend Announces She’s Pregnant

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact If there is one sure sign that life is passing you by, it’s that your friends start having babies. That’s the stark wake-up call Betoota Heights woman Bianca Wonderman received this afternoon after one of her best friends announced she was expecting. “FUCK OFF” Bianca screamed down the phone to her friend. “I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! THIS IS...

Oil Market in Turmoil After Customer Tears Into Servo Cashier Over Cost Of Fuel

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT The market is in shock today after the overnight collapse of the price of a barrel of oil: down over 85% to just US$8.92 as markets opened this morning. Market analysts have their own theories about what caused the sudden fall, but most agree the drastic movement can be traced to an incident at the Betoota Service Centre &...

Man New To Kickboxing Can’t Stop Thinking About Booting People In The Head For Some Reason

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact If Nath Little-John didn’t want anyone to know he’d taken a kickboxing class at the Betoota Bad Mother Fucker Academy, he’s definitely going about it the wrong way. Colleagues and friends close to Nath have revealed that the novice kickboxer has mentioned how much he wants to “fly kick people in the head” upwards of 500 times, and the day isn’t even over...

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