Local News

“Hey, That Looks Pretty Easy” Says Local Deadshit About To Try Fly Fishing For The First Time

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Yesterday morning around 9, Peter Midas' phone rang and on the other end of the line was Liam Cruikshank. Liam is a keen fisherman with a particular penchant for the fly fishing variety, however, he seldom finds people willing to stand alone with him in a local river for hours on end. Which is why, on a bright Monday morning,...

Senate Inquiry Concludes Vintage Sunglasses Are In Vogue This Summer

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Federal Senate inquiry into the reemergence of vintage sunglasses this spring has all but confirmed that the fashion accessory is back in fashion this summer. The news was met with mild fanfare this morning in Canberra, with Greens leader Richard Di Natale yelling across the chamber to his Conservative colleague Cori Bernardi: "Strike a...

“Don’t Talk To Me About Oppression!”: Charity Mugger Receives Tongue-Lashing From Wallabies Fan

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An overly-polite and softly-manner door-knocking charity worker has been yelled off a Betoota Grove property this morning after he attempted to speak to the homeowner about the many oppressed peoples the world. Rather than receiving a stern but nice 'no' from the man, Duncan Pegg got an absolute tongue-lashing. Duncan, who has been collecting monies for...

Supermarket Lasagne Slowly Defrosting On Kitchen Bench Says Mum’s Clocked Off For The Day

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The shoes are off and the Austar IQ is working double time. Brenda Matthews is 'fucking' done for the day. Four ice-cubes clang against the tempered glass of her chardonnay chalice as the 21-year-old* spoke to our reporter through the screen door of her rendered brick four-bedroom McMansion in Betoota Heights this afternoon. From all accounts, the...

Report: Drinking In Direct Sunlight Found To Increase Alcoholic Beverage Strength By Up To 50%

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Australia's peak scientific body has today confirmed what many believe to be true. The CSIRO, a chronically-underfunded government money pit, released their findings today into whether drinking alcoholic beverages in direct sunlight makes them more potent. And it makes for chilling reading. Speaking to the media today in Canberra, a faceless spokesman from the Organisation said that...

Pub Chef Bares His Soul With New Pepper Grinder Tattoo

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Whether he's burning steaks or shingling cheddar over a chicken parmigiana, it's safe to say Dale Poing's passion lies within the culinary arts. He returns to work often without washing his hands, rarely acknowledging anybody on the pass with more than a grunt. There's pub chefs - and then there's Dale. The 28-year-old used to work at...

Confused Boomer Attempts To Move Against The Flow Of Passengers Disembarking Plane

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A gibbering old fuck was seen attempting to move against the flow of disembarking passengers today shortly after the 3:20 pm Qantas service to town landed. While some immediately and needlessly stood as the plane pulled up at the ramp, Graeme Ponk was determined to be different. The 68-year-old didn't remain seated, he didn't try and...

Parent Films School Play Someone Will Eventually Be Held Captive With

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Eleanor Mitchell (42) felt very proud as she watched her daughter perform in a school play which she filmed in its entirety and will eventually hold someone hostage with. The play in question featured Mitchell’s daughter Lillian (10) acting as a giraffe who was friends with a tiger and polar bear, despite the fact that in real life these...

Account Exec Feeling Threatened After Intern Forms Bond With Her Work BFF

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local girl Jasmine Richards has just seen Cayley Stephens go down for a coffee with the intern. Which is weird, because usually going to get coffee in the morning is hers and Cayley’s thing. The account exec and Cayley are what is commonly known as ‘work BFFs’, a close relationship two women form in their place of work....

Huge Sigh Of Relief After Driver Successfully Executes Reverse Park In Front Of Cafe

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local woman Ava Morrison has just successfully executed a reverse park of medium difficulty outside a busy French Quarter café. Reports from the café say that Ava’s sigh of relief could be heard over the general café hum and even the coffee machine. Prior to Ava’s arrival, customers at the busy café had the joy of watching a previous driver...

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