Local News

‘Love It Or Leave’ Says Man Who Regularly Tells People He Hates What Australia’s Become

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A local retiree from our town's Betoota Grove has again taken to social media today to let his 56 Facebook friends (who are mostly relatives and fake accounts) that he is disgusted at what has become of the country he once loved. Incensed for the third time already this week by the Israel Folau saga, Bryan Wilson vented...

Employees Forced To Appreciate Boss’s Meme

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In the ever coarsening of the daily grind, employees of Bush Catering were forced to appreciate a meme shared on their mandatory internal communications system. The reason for the forced appreciation was due to the fact that the below average meme was created by their boss. Without one successful high five to his name, general manager Alan Bush (52) has...

“Stop Buying Avocado Toast” Says Boomer With Personalised Number Plates

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The decomposing dead horse of jokes about avocados and homeownership continues to be beaten into the cold, wintery earth with vigour as newsagent Keith Quigley (65) weighs in on his children's spending habits. According to Quigley, his adult children can’t afford to purchase a house as they are frivolous with their money, choosing to spend it on weekend breakfast...

“I’m A Big Kid At Heart” Says Grown Man Who Sleeps In A Single Bed

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In breaking news, it has been revealed that local unit Nick ‘Kingo’ King refers to himself as a ‘big kid at heart’ primarily for the reason that he sleeps in a single bed. The 36-year-old plumber is known for his workplace antics and ability to do anything in order to get attention under the guise that he is trying...

Advertising Agency Makes Up For Not Paying Overtime By Installing Sparkling Water On Tap

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact One of Betoota’s top advertising agencies, TBJUQS/Smith, has successfully tricked its employees into thinking they’re not being overworked and underpaid by having a sparkling water tap installed alongside their regular cold and hot filtered water tap. Having been installed last night, the hysteria in the office today can apparently rival that caused by the visit of Princess Diana back...

Local Woman Makes Monumental Mistake Of Asking Gym Instructor What Kind Of Music He’s Into

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local HR representative Sophie Mackay's winter body has met its biggest hurdle yet this afternoon. This comes as the 26-year-old Betoota Grove woman made the colossal fuck up of attempting to engage her gym instructor with non-heath and fitness related conversation. "I should have known" she told our reporters. "He has a Carpe Diem tattoo across in shoulders in Old English....

Funeral Guest Immediately Regrets Asking Mourning Family Member How Things Have Been

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Belle Goliath, the girlfriend of Bill Smith, is today attending the funeral of the late Sandrine Smith, an eighty-six-year-old grandmother who passed away in a tragic croquet accident last week. It’s believed Belle hadn’t really met much of Bill’s extended family, so although a sad occasion, it was her chance to impress her future family in-law. It was going...

Christian School Introduces ‘No Gender, No Play’ Rule

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With Scott Morrison now locked in as Prime Minister until the Libspill pencilled in for 2021, a local Christian school has felt empowered to introduce a controversial ‘No Gender, No Play’ rule during lunchtime. Saint Augustine of Damascus Primary School implemented the playground rule in an effort to stop a small percentage of children from expressing their inner...

Vague Commitment To Go To The Gym This Week Justifies Mid Arvo Servo Snack

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Meandering through Betoota’s peak hour afternoon traffic, Thomas Pooley was left facing quite a conundrum this afternoon. After a hedonistic weekend where he polluted his body like a giant Indian resources company let loose in the Galilee basin, the Engineer from our town’s Heights district said he’s feeling a little remorseful today. However, despite the fact that he relentlessly...

Local Woman Gets Jealous Of Friend’s Upcoming Wedding And Posts Throwback To Her Special Day

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Anita Cruz has shown her worst side today after attempting to steal the thunder of her best friend’s upcoming wedding. Not one to shy away from attention, Anita the little psychopath uploaded yet another throwback album to her special day, which was over a year ago.  Sources close to Anita have revealed that she couldn’t deal with the limelight...

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