Local News

Parents Complain About The Decreasing Value Of Their Property Like Their Kid Is Supposed To Care

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact After flagellating herself all morning for being born middle-class to two polite and stable property owners, a happy-go-lucky city worker has had to endure said parents moaning and complaining that their hyper-inflated asset is now sharply decreasing in value. Joining her folks for lunch this Tuesday gone, Emile Seymour said aside from the normal questions about her life and why...

Man Shamefully Walks To Bin To Pick Up Paper Ball He Didn’t Get In

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The 2-metre gap between Carl Mackinnon and the office recycling bin is feeling more like 200 metres today after he attempted to throw a scrunched-up piece of paper into it and missed. Witnesses say Carl stood staring at the bin in disbelief before quickly looking around to see if anyone saw him miss the shot. As one eager colleague explained,...

Kidnapper’s Girlfriend Tired Of Having Her Magazines Cut Up For Ransom Letters

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT After years of silent compliance Susanne,* girlfriend of career kidnapper Brody,* has stated she is tired of having her magazines cut up and used for ransom letters. Throughout their four year relationship, Susanne has enjoyed certain aspects of being the partner of a career kidnapper but has struggled in silence with others. “I put up with a lot, his late...

Curious Man Wonders How Perennially-Empty Travel Agency In Local Strip Mall Stays Afloat

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular local thinking man has been bamboozled by a Betoota Heights travel agency this afternoon because despite never seeing anybody in it ever, it still manages to remain open. When he's not enjoying a fine prepackaged lasagne with friends in his rented one-bedroom apartment, Kane Mooch applies his oversized brain to academia down the...

Unsupervised Boomer Finds Himself Watching SBS Food Again

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Grove father-of-four has been left to his own devices this morning, something that the sexagenarian relishes and enjoys. Colin Dollarhyde is using the lack of spousal supervision to his advantage, he says, by sitting himself down on his new Koala lounge in front of the 'idiot box'. In particular, SBS Food. Speaking a short time ago...

Phone Addiction Realised After Attempt To Set Alarm Results In 30 Minute Social Media Scroll

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local woman Alyshia Stephenson has just come to after losing 30 minutes of her life down a social media black hole. Dazed and confused, Alyshia sat there wondering what the hell happened. “I just went on there to set an alarm,” she said. “Then I came to and 30 minutes had passed.” “I don’t even know what happened.” This type of behaviour...

Woman Deletes Message From Stranger In Hopes Of Removing Drunken Friendship From Memory

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Ellen Sobrata has woken this morning with more than just an alcoholic hangover. She’s also experiencing sharp pangs of anxiety brought on by the fact that she gave her phone number to a complete stranger she met at a trendy Betootan rooftop bar. Ellen was reminded of the number exchange as she scrolled through her messages and saw an ‘X’...

Waitress Backs Herself Without Pen Or Paper

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Patrons of French Quarter cafe The Almond Teet, have been left anxious and confused as waitress Jess Hamilton (26) has begun relying heavily on her memory skills and is taking orders without a pen and paper. Since opening in 2015, The Almond Teet is a proudly alternate food destination that according to it’s mission statement, likes to do...

Disappointment As Mum Reveals Christmas Is With The Weird Cousins This Year

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | Contact A bubbly Betoota Grove sexagenarian has taken time out of her busy afternoon of smoking cigarillos on the deck and watering the geraniums while they're in direct sunlight to ring her children to say that Christmas this year is with the weird cousins. Debbie Mulgrave, a semi-retired Crown Prosecutor, broke the news to her directionless son Colin Junior around...

Local 30-Something Viewed Quite Differently By Peers After Learning He Can’t Drive

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Day broke by the Lake Betoota Boatramp this morning as three local shift workers reversed their beloved Quintrex into the deep and majestic waters of Western Queensland's deepest body of water. Moments after the hull slid off the rollers, skipper Sam Davison threw the keys to his ex-cab EL Falcon to one of his mates to park the car...

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