Local News

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A group of local atheists have thrown their hats in the dirt and eaten humble pie today after the Bureau of Meteorology has forecast heavy storms for most of the eastern seaboard this week - including drought-stricken parts of New South Wales and Queensland. Last month, Prime Minister Scott Morrison asked people around the nation...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The mystery surrounding a local business student's choice to wear a bowtie to class has been solved after the 21-year-old revealed himself as a soldier of Jesus Christ, a popular magic man from yesteryear. David Pearlman, a second-year business studies student at South Betoota Polytechnic College, confused a number of his classmates for a long...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Inner-Melbourne native Carl Tonello (38) is unhappy with all the Collingwood Magpies bandwagon supporters who 'tarnish the game he loves second-most' after basketball, of which his favourite team is, and always has been, the LA Lakers. An Australian rules football fanatic, Tonello states he almost had a chance with the VFL but passed it up...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Eyebrows were raised today as Dennis Procter turned up to his mate's grand final barbecue with his lovely new partner and a sock. The relationship might be only three weeks old but the 26-year-old's friends say they've never seen the cynical Cancerian happier. However, one thing that Dennis failed to mention to his friends prior to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Despite warnings that the Takata airbags in their 2009 Honda Odessey could go off at any time and send deadly shrapnel through their brain, headrest and roof, a breeding pair of local anti-vaxxers have revealed that 'they're not too concerned'. In fact, they're more concerned about exposing their soon-to-be-born child to deadly vaccines which they say have been proven...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A drift of city working pigs have marked their territory in an Old City District office unisex toilet by pissing on the floor, leaving the seat up and letting the cleaners pick anything up off the floor. Though there are two women who work on the second floor of LJ Hooker's inner-city offices in town,...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local happy-go-lucky, correctly proportioned man is on his way to the coast for the long weekend. But first, he must suffer the indignity of being a man of charming heft flying on a budget airline. Lewis Smokeman, a French Quarter grain trader, told our reporters that he tried to jag himself an exit row as...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Though his best years are behind him, a once popular solicitor at South Betoota's Minter Piper & Hellmore offices has taken up an afternoon hobby of walking around the open plan workspaces with some sort of football in his hands. Sometimes Mark Annesley-Wright bounces it a few times on the polished concrete floors to herald...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Nobody knows where they're going - but they sure as hell look like they do. It's just after 12 in our town's Old City District and the various suits, smart casuals and the plain old shit-kickers dressed in mufti have flooded out of the offices in search of a $10 lunch special. The narrow, windy streets...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Something equally as pathetic," she laughed. "Honest to God, they public servants. Get on with the job of serving me, you cunts." Angela Sans has had a trying month. The first thing that when pear-shaped was the fact most of her strawberries were undersize this year - the second being the aforementioned 'needle-in-fruit' controversy that's affected almost every consumable...