Local News

Woman Getting Phone Repaired Unsure How People Survived Alone With Their Thoughts

Louis Burke | Culture | Contact The human experience proved too much for sales assistant Lauren Katter (26) today as she waited while her phone got repaired and was forced to survive alone with her thoughts. Despite having direct access to food, water and a Michel’s Patisserie, Katter found it extremely difficult to feel safe and comfortable as she sat in...

Chubby Local Kid Looks Forward To Debuting Trendy New Rashie This Summer

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT For local chubby kid, Benjamin Knight (11) warmer weather cannot come any sooner as this dough-boy is dying to show off his spanking new rash vest this summer. Unaware he was slightly larger for his age until his classmates decided to enlight him via bullying, Knight has fully embraced the chubby-chap lifestyle which has been largely helped by...

Concern For Mate Grows After He Chooses To Buy A Canary Yellow 2004 Holden Cruize

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A concerned group of friends has contacted The Advocate today to voice their concerns over one of their own after he chose to buy 2004 canary yellow Holden Cruise with his own money. Michael Astanda, friends say, made the decision to purchase the soft-roader while browsing the selection down at Colin Matthews Motors in South...

Psychopathic Bourgeois Pig Cuts Power Cord Of Old Television Before Council Clean Up

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An ageing French Quarter property owner has decided that if he can't use his 14-year-old television anymore - nobody should. Tomorrow is the bi-annual Shire Council Clean Up in Zone 2 of the French Quarter and Old City District and the streets are lined with trash that could easily become someone else's treasure. Seen driving around...

Local Property Developer Conveniently Knows Nothing About Poisoned Tree Near Latest Project

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local councillor who moonlights as a property developer has told police that he doesn't know who poisoned a 120-year-old elm tree on Goldman Broadway in Betoota Grove. The tree, which sits between Gavin Coleman's latest project and Lake Betoota, has since died after a vandal drilled into the tree's trunk and poured Round-Up down...

“What About The Diggers?” Asks Patriot As Party Guest Walks In With Carton Of Asahi

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Do you not remember what happened in 1941?" asked the 21-year-old. "A little thing called Pearl Harbour - followed by four years of brutal, island-to-island jungle-to-jungle conflict that claimed the lives of thousands of Allied troops," "And you bring that beer here? What about the diggers? What's wrong with a good Australian beer like Tooheys or...

Bitter Twitter Enemies Don’t Know What To Do After Running Into Each Other In Person

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "What do I do? Do I go over there and confront the guy?" "Fuck! He's seen me!" Oscar Feeney-Ross hates Ezra Haddad with a burning passion - but they've never laid eyes on each other until now. Using pseudonyms on the social media platform, Twitter, the pair have been trading blows for years. Often the insults get...

Exhausted City Worker Lectured Yet Again By Jamie Oliver About How Easy It Is To Cook Every Night

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It's 8pm and Nathan Pekoe has just stepped off the D45 bus home from the French Quarter. He picked up an exotic duck Pad Thai up at the Jones Avenue Shops in Betoota Heights before he started the long plod off the main road, down his generic cul-de-sac and through the door of his rapidly-depreciating...

Font Size On Boomer’s iPhone Visible From Across The Room

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An aging homeowner was the talk of the Royal Betoota Yacht Squadron today after fellow homeowners began mocking the 66-year-old over the size of the font on his iPhone. Dudley Raleigh, a semi-retired piano tuner from Betoota Grove, was left red-faced this afternoon as the contents of his messages were able to be seen from...

Dutton Explains Difference Between ‘Helping A Mate’ And ‘Being Extremely Corrupt’

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Home Affairs Minister has taken to local radio this morning to set the recent au pair controversy straight and outline the difference between being criminally corrupt and just helping out a mate. Peter Dutton spoke to Clive Overell this morning on KBBL South Betoota's Breakfast With The Right People programme, where he distanced himself from claims that...

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