Headlines

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact As Sydney begins it's first wave of social cleansing in Waterloo and Redfern, NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian says she's pretty confident it will all be worth it, but we'll see. This comes after the NSW government announced that thousands of elderly and at risk Australians that depend on public housing will be relocated out-of-sight from prospective property buyers, in...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the Coalition's Nightwatchman experiences yet another polling slump at the end of the last parliamentary sitting fortnight, it appears that Morrison's media team are now in damage control. While meeting with several voters on the Cronulla beach waterfront yesterday, the Prime Minister was seen proudly debuting the final boss of everyday Aussies. The studded white leather SMP belt. A prominent...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local university leftie with the safety net of up to three inheritances and the elite privilege of not being profiled by police when smoking marijuana in public, has today announced that she will not rest until China recognises Tibet. Alison Anguston-Smythley (20) says it sickens her that so few people understand how important it is that the various...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Morrison has urged white men around Australia to stop ruining the narrative and acting like terrorists. "It's not helping everything we are trying to do as a government" he said. "Haha come on guys. This is quite inconvenient for us. White people shooting at cops in the middle of the city is a little more than a mental...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact In breaking news, a bartender has helped some pissed patrons this weekend. Miles Bandman (35) helpfully told the 3 drunk girls standing in front of him that he can’t give them tequila shots after 1 am but if they wanted he could do a round of neat tequilas. This came as quite a shock to the girls who, like everyone...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Friday night’s kick ons have ground to a halt this morning after a local man has failed to successfully pair his iPhone with the house’s Bluetooth speakers. “Wait, turn the speakers off and on” suggested the wannabe DJ. “Ok, try now?” replied his apprentice. “Nah still nothing, I’ll try turning off and on the Bluetooth on my phone.” It’s understood that this...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The world we are leaving for our children has been questioned today as Sales Coordinator Amy O’Connell (35) has been forced to participate in her office Secret Santa, despite the fact she is a decent human being. Since taking up her new corporate job in Betoota’s Old City District two months ago, O’Connell has enjoyed leading...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A coming of age story well known around the nation has rung true this morning as local girl Matilda Hartman (15) began her transition into womanhood by switching from Impulse to Dove. Hartman states she is like most girls her age, with an interest in music, sport and a strong desire to fit in socially. It is for such...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a taxpayer funded break in New York City, multi-millionaire and “former Prime Minister” Malcolm Turnbull has reportedly spent the whole day on the phone with Medicare as he tries to opt out of his MyHealthRecord account. Taking the call from his Apple Watch, Turnbull slowly paced around his Point Piper mansion as the call waiting music filled...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact It’s was casual Friday in a Betoota finance firm and Toby from accounts was reportedly really turning it on. Having only recently started at the firm, Toby’s colleagues probably weren’t expecting him to rock up in a skin-tight white shirt that hugs every sculpted muscle in his body. Toby’s fashion choice had the office somewhat divided, with some people frothing...