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Nations Girlfriends Looking Forward To Another Two Months Of White Noise On TV

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The nation’s girlfriends have confirmed today how excited they are to about their media consumption over the next two months. With their respective TVs being permanently set to the cricket coverage, they explained that they are prepared for two months of white noise from the TV. “I can’t wait, two months of watching a game that I have no interest...

Retail Employee Considering Life Of Poverty After Suffering Through Third Week Of Carols

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young woman has revealed to The Advocate today that she is seriously contemplating whether it's all worth it. The permanent part-time employee at a store in Betoota Heights made the revelation after suffering through her third week of Christmas carols. Carlie Jade explained that she is very much at the end of her tether. "All I want for Christmas is for these...

Beautiful Sunny Day Nothing But Infuriating Strip Of Glare On Gamer’s Monitor

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Climate scientists are not the only group unhappy with the warmer weather as video game enthusiast Joseph Creen (19) expresses his distaste for this beautiful sunny day that is causing an infuriating strip of glare to fall across his gaming monitor. Being told from a young age he could do anything, Creen has since lead a legion of...

Stoned Teenager At Servo Worried Stoned Teenager Behind The Counter Is Judging Him

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A tense standoff took place today at Betoota Ponds Independent Petrol station last night as stoned patron Jacob Lee (16) was very concerned he was being judged by Cameron Hall (17) the stoned attendant. After playing a few solos on the Gatorade saxophone, Wright climbed out of his bedroom window and made his way to his local petrol station...

Work Xmas Party: Bloke Named Simon Kills The Vibe Talking About Trump And Russia Or Some Shit

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An office intellectual who's name is either Simon or Evan has today ruined the mid-week Christmas Party by feeling the need to inform his uninterested colleagues of all the different things he knows about the Mueller probe. Despite being met with plenty of dismissive comments like "Oh, I haven't really been following that" and "Yeah, there always seems to...

NSW Premier Prays Property Market Limps On Long Enough To Justify Selling Housos To Meriton

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact As Sydney begins it's first wave of social cleansing in Waterloo and Redfern, NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian says she's pretty confident it will all be worth it, but we'll see. This comes after the NSW government announced that thousands of elderly and at risk Australians that depend on public housing will be relocated out-of-sight from prospective property buyers, in...

Embattled Prime Minister Morrison Whips Out His Emergency Studded White SMP Belt

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the Coalition's Nightwatchman experiences yet another polling slump at the end of the last parliamentary sitting fortnight, it appears that Morrison's media team are now in damage control. While meeting with several voters on the Cronulla beach waterfront yesterday, the Prime Minister was seen proudly debuting the final boss of everyday Aussies. The studded white leather SMP belt. A prominent...

Uni Activist Finds Herself White Enough To Make The Sovereignty Of Tibet Her Number One Cause

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local university leftie with the safety net of up to three inheritances and the elite privilege of not being profiled by police when smoking marijuana in public, has today announced that she will not rest until China recognises Tibet. Alison Anguston-Smythley (20) says it sickens her that so few people understand how important it is that the various...

2 Australian Cities Shut Down In 1 Week Due To Gunfire From Non-Muslims Just Having A Bad Day

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Morrison has urged white men around Australia to stop ruining the narrative and acting like terrorists. "It's not helping everything we are trying to do as a government" he said. "Haha come on guys. This is quite inconvenient for us. White people shooting at cops in the middle of the city is a little more than a mental...

Helpful Bartender Offers Round Of Neat Tequilas As He Can’t Pour Shots After 1 am

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact In breaking news, a bartender has helped some pissed patrons this weekend. Miles Bandman (35) helpfully told the 3 drunk girls standing in front of him that he can’t give them tequila shots after 1 am but if they wanted he could do a round of neat tequilas. This came as quite a shock to the girls who, like everyone...

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