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Melbourne Security Guard Fucks Entire City

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a rare moment of humble defeat, the Premier Of Victorian has today admitted that maybe the future of human civilisation should not rest on the shoulders of someone who is paid $17 an hour with little training in biosafety. This comes after new revelations that the security guards...

“This Is Probably Going To Sound Racist…” Says Bloke Who Is Absolutely Correct

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT After work drinks for the boys from West Betoota Formwork And Concreting took a risky turn last night, after loose cannon Todd loudly warned the entire bar that he was going to say something that would probably sound racist, which generally means someone is definitely about to say something racist.

NRL Commentators Still Struggling With The Concept Of “Emotions”

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Once a job requiring specialist study and training, NRL commentators are now mostly former players who provide the type of commentary that suggests they might have taken a few too many knocks to the head. Since former players began scoring commentary jobs, many have criticised the practice of dressing...

Police On NSW/VIC Border Quiz Motorists By Asking Them To Identify Deep Fried Potatoes

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Tensions are high at the border of New South Wales and Victoria as the two southern states squabble over something worth squabbling over for a change.  The Victoria/NSW border is set to close at 12:01 am Wednesday, July 8th as Victoria records 127 new Coronavirus cases, its highest ever...

Widowed Nonna Stuck In Flemington Housos Wants To Know Who Told Pauline About Her Ice Problem

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT 92-year-old Flemington resident Gloria Bianchi-Murphy is now in day 4 of police-enforced lockdown of her houso flats in Melbourne's coronavirus hot spots. With a small box of expired groceries delivered to her room by police officers who cannot understand 99 out of the 100 languages spoken by residents in...

Nation Starting To Think Eastern Bloc-Style Concrete Flats Not A Good Way To Store Poor People

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Right across inner-city Melbourne, and in about three or so suburbs in Sydney, the horizon is made up of crammed brutalist public housing towers - that only make headlines when politicians decide they are hard to look at. Outside of the unfairly valuable inner city real estate they take...

Security Tags On 700ML Bottles Of Bundy Offers Unique Insight Into Suburb’s Demographics

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT While Australians have always based the liveability of a suburb on the cost of property, the hysterical east coast housing crisis has now resulted in an average metropolitan house price of roughly around a million dollars, even in areas that are still quite rough. This means that even with two high-paying incomes, a reckless bank manager and two sets...

Husband Patiently Waiting For Wife To Clean Bathroom Before He Trims His Beard

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT Feeling a strange tingling sensation on his face, local man Henry Wills is suddenly struck with the urge to shave - and he can’t quite put his finger on why. Henry had reportedly been attempting to grow out his stubble after cutting it a little too close with...

Investment Banker’s Wife From Toorak Just Needs A Week In Byron To Shake Off This Flu

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT One of Toorak's most prominent stay-at-home wives is today rushing to get her wives is today rushing to pack her Saint Laurent suede duffle bags, after Victoria records 30 new active cases amongst poor migrant frontline workers. Delilah Cannon-Pratt (46) says Victoria's spike in COVID-19 clusters could very well...

CWA Provides Official Adjudicator To Declare Winner Of Australia’s Biggest Scone Competition

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The CWA has today volunteered the expertise of their organisation's most famous baking judge, during the showdown between the last two finalists of Australia's biggest scone prize. After thousands of entries right around the country, the final two contestants came down to Prime Minister Scott Morrison and singer-songwriter Guy...

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