Headlines

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact In breaking news, a bartender has helped some pissed patrons this weekend. Miles Bandman (35) helpfully told the 3 drunk girls standing in front of him that he can’t give them tequila shots after 1 am but if they wanted he could do a round of neat tequilas. This came as quite a shock to the girls who, like everyone...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Friday night’s kick ons have ground to a halt this morning after a local man has failed to successfully pair his iPhone with the house’s Bluetooth speakers. “Wait, turn the speakers off and on” suggested the wannabe DJ. “Ok, try now?” replied his apprentice. “Nah still nothing, I’ll try turning off and on the Bluetooth on my phone.” It’s understood that this...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The world we are leaving for our children has been questioned today as Sales Coordinator Amy O’Connell (35) has been forced to participate in her office Secret Santa, despite the fact she is a decent human being. Since taking up her new corporate job in Betoota’s Old City District two months ago, O’Connell has enjoyed leading...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A coming of age story well known around the nation has rung true this morning as local girl Matilda Hartman (15) began her transition into womanhood by switching from Impulse to Dove. Hartman states she is like most girls her age, with an interest in music, sport and a strong desire to fit in socially. It is for such...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a taxpayer funded break in New York City, multi-millionaire and “former Prime Minister” Malcolm Turnbull has reportedly spent the whole day on the phone with Medicare as he tries to opt out of his MyHealthRecord account. Taking the call from his Apple Watch, Turnbull slowly paced around his Point Piper mansion as the call waiting music filled...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact It’s was casual Friday in a Betoota finance firm and Toby from accounts was reportedly really turning it on. Having only recently started at the firm, Toby’s colleagues probably weren’t expecting him to rock up in a skin-tight white shirt that hugs every sculpted muscle in his body. Toby’s fashion choice had the office somewhat divided, with some people frothing...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A worryingly overweight bachelor from South Brisbane is high on life today, that's after spending the night at the Mansfield Tavern, nursing 18 schooners through roughly eight undercard matches, before watching a 43-year-old man get knocked out by a much younger opponent. This comes after Brisbane PE teacher Jeff Horn took just 96 seconds to end the exceptional...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Just when we thought The Prime Minister may be able to turn around the nation's perception of how women are treated within the Liberal Party, it appears that Morrison has taken a mighty slide backwards, after engaging in a school yard brand of politics with a growing all-female faction on the crossbench. With the arrival of Kerryn Phelps...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT "Ohhh that's nice, what do you call this?" asks the visiting suburban matriarch. Jason wipes his mouth with a napkin and casually explains to his mother that they are drinking a skin contact summer wine. "It's called rosè" says Jason. Like hundreds, possibly thousands of millenialls that have relocated to Betoota's inner-city French Quarter for university and metropolitan employment, Jason...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Self-confessed Lady Gaga 'stans' and conservative Liberal MPs, Tony Abbott and Craig Kelly, have today released a joint statement to the media which outlines their shared position on the Oscar-favourite romance-drama 'A Star Is Born'. "It's not bad hey" says Craig Kelly, as he and the former Prime Minister spoke to the media outside of the Manuka Capitol...