AFL To Commence Fucking Up Investigation Of How They Fucked Up Investigation Of Hawthorn Racism
JASON BARRY | Victorian Leg Tennis | Contact
“We fucked up,” was the understated phrase that came from AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan as he fronted a media scrimmage on the Code’s independent investigation into bombshell claims of racism at Hawthorn.
“I mean it’s a real fuck up, even by our standards,” the stunning brunette conceded, making reference to any situation that includes the words ‘AFL’...
NSW Police Send Riot Squad Into Aged Care Facility After Reports Of A Rowdy Craft Afternoon
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
An aged care facility in the NSW region of Lennoxtown is currently under a serious lockdown.
The code 3 emergency at the 104 bed facility follows reports that a number of residents managed to get their hands on some dangerous weapons.
The need for drastic action reportedly became necessary after an arts and craft session got out of...
NSW Police Add Walking Frames To List Of Schedule 1 Prohibited Weapons
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAfter a tumultuous few days of dealing with the aftermath of the nursing home attack, the NSW police have since announced that they will be adding walking frames to their list of Schedule 1 prohibited weapons to ensure this kind of violent attack can ‘never occur again.’
The severely overworked publicist for NSW Police, Kelly Masterson, said that this...
“Nobody Wants To Work Anymore” Says Local Business Owner That Doesn’t Want To Work, Either
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A French Quarter small bar owner has said times are tough at the moment because he can't find enough staff to work for him, forcing him to suffer the utter humiliation of working in a customer-facing role in his own business.
The Back Slap Inn licensee and owner Conor Smooth-Gooch told The Advocate that he...
QLD Selectors Pick Reece Walsh At Fullback After Defeating Ponga In Magic Mike-Style Dance Off
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
In breaking news out of Queensland this morning, Reece Walsh will wear the #1 jumper for the Maroons after narrowly beating Kalyn Ponga in a strip show contest.
The Advocate understands the fullback role has been causing major headaches for coach Billy Slater, as Queensland was forced to weigh up choosing between the reliable Origin vet Kalyn...
Short King Makes A Point Of Being A Really Fast Walker
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A young fellow who happens to be noticeably shorter than many of his peers is also a very fast walker and often makes a point of walking much faster than his taller brethren.
Sam Davies rolls his eyes frequently at Google Maps when they suggest walking could take up to 45 minutes.
"It'd be half an...
Albanese Asks Japanese Prime Minister If He’s Got Any Of Those Minus 196’s At The G7 Summit
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has shown his affable personality off on the world stage today.
Engaging in some friendly diplomacy with other leaders at the G7 summit, Albanese reportedly broke the ice with his Japanese counterpart by asking a relatable question.
“You got any of those Minus 196s,” laughed Albanese to Japanese Prime Minister Fumio Kishida.
A slightly confused Kishida...
Chirpy Airline Crew Playfully Check Out Of Hotel Lobby Like They Had An Orgy Last Night
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
A cacophony of giggles is filling a hotel lobby this morning as a chirpy airline crew share some flirty banter amongst themselves.
With shirts freshly ironed and hair super glued into place, witnesses say a cohort of 12 airline staff from Virgin International were looking rather spiffy, as they checked out of their hotel rooms and...
Modern Man Hasn’t Experienced ‘Fight-Or-Flight’ Since His Bank Card Declined In 2017
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Upon reflecting on what the last real thrill he had, Betoota local Liam Bram realised he hasn’t really experienced a flight-or-fight response since his card declined back in 2017.
Close his quarter-life crisis, Bram caught himself wondering if a trip to Thailand would be on the cards, like the one he took ten years ago and still talks...
On Top Of Wanting Secure Housing, This Entitled Millennial Also Wants A Fulfilling Job
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A spoiled young man with an unprofessional ponytail has been labeled an "entitled millennial" today by some in the wider Betoota community who feel he's wanting everything all at once without first working for it.
The man, Ralph Gooley of Betoota Heights, was talking to his boss at Zoo Park Camera & Sound this morning...
