Upon reflecting on what the last real thrill he had, Betoota local Liam Bram realised he hasn’t really experienced a flight-or-fight response since his card declined back in 2017.

Close his quarter-life crisis, Bram caught himself wondering if a trip to Thailand would be on the cards, like the one he took ten years ago and still talks about now.

During that time, when he was officially meant to be working from home, Bram racked his brain for a more recent exciting memory than how he was pickpocketed in Phuket during what he thought was a demonstration of a cool secret handshake.

“Mmm, not much has happened lately, hey?” asked Bram who claims to have watched every Netflix original to completion.

“Well, we had to stay inside for a bit and then after that, well, to be honest I kind of got used to staying inside and that’s what I like now.”

As if unsure why he was being interviewed by Australia’s oldest and most trusted newspaper when his life is less interesting than watching stick insects fuck, Bram finally pulled out an anecdote about the last time he was put to the test.

“So I put in my PIN number, because I was still inserting back then because I hadn’t got the hang of the tapping thing and it flashes up on screen, those two words no one wants to see: card declined.”

“Next thing I know, it’s spitting out a red receipt but I know I got at least $50 in [his account] and my groceries are already bagged so I had to make the call, am I going to have this out with them or am I going to piss off out of there?”

“My heart was thumping like a hammer on a nail. My armpits immediately soaked. This was the moment. Something was going to happen.”

“Anyway, the lady came over and said it does that sometimes and she rescanned the machine for me and my card worked that time. It was a self service checkout, it wasn’t a real checkout.”

“Yeah, then I took my fish fingers home and had them with the leftover fried rice. As you can imagine the whole thing gave me quite the appetite.”

“God, I guess that’s what living used to be like.”


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