US President Joe Biden has enraged American gun enthusiasts with new restrictions on several popular types of surface-to-air missiles.

Under the revolutionary new rules, those with a history of psychiatric episodes, who are currently incarcerated, who have previously been incarcerated for a violent firearms offence or who are under the age of 10 will be restricted to owning a maximum of 3 surface-to-air missiles (SAMs) at any given time. 

“This is an outrageous attack on our Second Amendment rights” said Gus Bronco, Outrage Co-ordinator for the NRA.

“Sure, it seems like a small change to the law that will only affect a few people. But this is part of a major push to disarm the populace. I mean, all you need to do is look at the type of people who these new restrictions affect; these are the exact types of people who are most likely to use a surface-to-air missile.” 

Trenchcoat Enthusiast Chuck Squirrel agrees.

“When our forefathers wrote the Second Amendment in 1791 about “the right to bear arms”, it’s clear they were thinking of the Raytheon FIM-92C Stinger with it’s 3kg annular blast fragmentation warhead travelling at 750m/s towards a mounted cavalry unit or a 3-masted wooden warship, especially if they were somehow flying through the air at an altitude of under 4800 metres”. 

White House Media Liaison Buck Fleetwood described the move as “a logical first step in the move to prevent the general public from using the Second Amendment to acquire large scale military weapons up to and including a nuclear warhead”.

Off the record he pointed out that whilst the freedom of the American public to have guns to protect themselves from their own army should they run out of oil to liberate and turn on their own country was nice, it wasn’t as nice as being able to live each day without maybe being shot.

He added that anybody that didn’t think that the recent move to limit access to SAMs was ‘fucked in the head’ and therefore probably wouldn’t be able to access such artillery under the new changes.

But that bit was off the record too. 

More to come.


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