The world has breathed a collective sigh of relief today, with Russia finally backing down from a conflict with Ukraine.

The backdown from Russian President Vladimir Putin comes after weeks and weeks of growing tensions on the Russian-Ukrainian border.

Fears had been held of a full-blown conflict between Russia and Ukraine, with a significant amount of troops pulling up on the border amidst what appeared to be preparations for an invasion.

However, the 100,000 strong Russian force has reportedly packed up its things and decided to roll back towards Moscow after hearing the concerns of western leaders.

“We heard the English and the Americans telling us to stop what we were doing, so we called the whole thing off,” said a spokesperson for the global superpower, who really does care what the West thinks.

Despite previously doing whatever it wanted in the region, Russia has now decided to give invading Ukraine a miss, following strongly-worded statements from Western Leaders who never listen to Russia.

“We never want to upset the West, so we have told all the boys to pack their things up and come home,” continued the spokesperson for a nation that has a storied history of invading/controlling whoever the fuck they feel like.

“Although they [the West] never listened to us when we warned them off trying to sign allegiances and amass weapons in Ukraine.”

“But, whatever the conquerers of the western world say I guess.”

“It’s a shame, we kind of reckon Ukraine should fall under Russian control, but they get to keep their freedom now.”

“Oh, and we are giving back Crimea now too,” he explained in reference to the territory swallowed by Russia a few years ago, that the west has repeatedly asked to be returned.

More to come.


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