Australia’s Domestic Canines and Work Dogs Union has today fronted media outside Parliament House to release an official statement regarding the welfare of what they believe to be the forgotten victims of COVID-19.

Household pets.

While the community’s number one concern up until this point of the pandemic has been humans over the age of 70 – the union has today highlight the grave concerns facing puppers.

One of leading pet advocates making a stand against the exploitation of doggos at today’s press conference is Keith Anasta (6) – Queensland Secretary of the Canine Union and a gorgeous golden lab who is owned by two hyperactive gay men from New Farm.

He was joined at today’s press conference by Maggie McGuiness (4), boss of the Australian Council Of Pet Unions (ACPU) and a chocolate border collie who lives in a house with four kids under 10 who have been kept home from school.

“Thank you to the media that came out today” began Keith Anasta.

“We appreciate the solidarity you have shown us in these uncertain times”

“I just want to start by saying… We hold no ill towards whichever one of you it was that created this illness that has altered our day-to-day lives so dramatically. Eating a bat is a weird thing to do, but I guess you could say the same about us eating horse entrails fused in gelatine”

“But what we at canine union do take issue with, is our owners feeling the need to take us along on every guilty outing they make outside of the house”

“We are watching everything. We know that some of these walks are unnecessary. We see the yoga and the push ups as well. Leaving the house for a pointless walk down to a crowded park is dangerous for both us and you”

“Now before I hand over to my comrade from the ACPU, I’d like to lastly thank the hard working men and women in our frontline services. From police dogs to service dogs, we see you and we appreciate the hard work you are doing to keep peace in our streets during this mischeif the humans have created for themselves”

Maggie McGuinness then took over to outline the demands of Australia’s pet dogs.

“All we are asking for, is one walk, per dog, per day. That is more than enough.”

“We know it’s often being used as an excuse to get away from the other half for a little, but that shouldn’t be our problem. It becomes our problem when that little times becomes a 14 kilometre stroll”

“Consider this a final warning. Any further violations will result in incessant barking and possibly a couple of discreet turds hidden under the clothesline”

“If provoked. We will strike. If you don’t fight you lose. No questions”

The domesticated feline and talking parrots union have also released a statement demanding answers as to why their staff are no longer going to their day jobs.



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