EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
Clutching at his stomach as he stares at the computer screen, Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing’s day has gone from bad to worse – and as usual, the reason for his distress is that pesky Anthony Albanese.
Having spent an entire night tossing and turning, both due to his restless thoughts and the terrible surprise stomach ache after his medium rare chicken dinner, the last thing Scotty needed when he woke up was to have his favourite movie ruined forever.
That, and having his sworn enemy somehow wrangle one of Australia’s most beloved actors, who not only has an incredibly sexy voice but is beloved by his target audience – old white men.
It’s alleged a colleague looking to stir the curry pot had sent the PM a link to Anthony Albanese’s official campaign ad that was launched in Perth on Sunday, and voiced by the Opposition Leader’s close friend and fellow Rabbitohs tragic, Russell Crowe.
“You’re fucking kidding me, how did he manage that one?” asks a furious Morrison, “that’s not fair.”
“Well, we need someone bigger. What about Hugh Jackman, he’s not up to much these days is he?”
“Thor?”
“You know what, screw it, get Mel Gibson on the phone.”
Looking visibly distressed as he paced his office, Scott adds that he’s especially disappointed, seeing as his favourite movie has now been ruined forever.
“He’s attacking me at every front”, seethes Scotty, “I feel like that a Vietnamese immigrant at Footscray train station in the late 1980s.”
“He’s ruining everything. Just like Malcom Fraser did when he stacked our light industrial suburbs with these God-fearing Catholics and their beef noodle soup!”
Scott was later seen pulling a worn copy of Romper Stomper out from his desk drawer and throwing it in the bin in anger.
“This was one of the only movies that ever truly spoke to me” he sighs.
“And now it’s ruined”
“This film used to make me feel proud to be an Australian. Now it makes me feel ashamed.”
“How dare Hando throw his support behind affordable housing and aged care reform”
“He’s a sell out to the movement!”
More to come.
