The Nation

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local woman has today taken a gamble and lost, after popping a pimple she deemed ‘a sure thing.’ Jasmine Haynes had been repulsed at first by the sight of the large, red mound pulsating on her chin but says she’d quickly accepted the zit when she noticed the bright yellow head - meaning it was ripe...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister left a meeting with his Kiwi counterpart, Jacinta Ardern, early this afternoon to alleviate concerns the nation has about coronavirus. Deep within the bowels of Parliament House, Scotty called a media conference and fronted it with a nondescript plastic bag pulled over his head. Health Minister Greg Hunt opened the press conference...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Betoota Grove paralegal, Tara Corrie (27) is currently in a state of panic, as she does her best to steer the girlfriends towards a new option for dinner tonight. With a table booked at the Horny Dragon Restaurant & Karaoke in Betoota's Chinatown, Tara worries that her friends haven't been reading the Courier Mail's reporting on that new...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Federal Energy Minister Angus Taylor has told reporters this morning in Canberra that the government's commitment to lowering greenhouse gas emissions will begin with a shift away from solar and wind toward things his mates can turn a buck on. He prefaced the presser by saying that while it might seem like a conflict...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local North Sydney cattle grazier Digby McAngus (66) says after a hellish couple years of drought, the last few weeks of rain has been a God send. "It's been tough mate. The earth was cracking. We nearly ran out of water in dam. It hasn't been a good time for the North Shore beef industry, let me...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The windy, twisty roads of the French Quarter were once slick and greasy in the years before they were paved with cobblestones. Nowadays, the cobblestones are long gone. Paved over with a thick, solid layer of bitumen, concrete and asphalt. Thanks to the Simpson Desert tech boom that brought the likes of Packard-Bell and Compaq...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister has compromised with dissidents within his own party by agreeing to increase the amount of go each Newstart payment has in it. Scotty From Marketing's latest focus group on the matter also suggested that renaming the unemployment benefit might help inspire people to 'get off their arses'. The typical daggy dad spoke to...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some exciting entertainment news this morning, Channel Nine have confirmed that the ratings monster Married At First Sight will be back next year - but not as we know it! Refusing to rest on their laurels, the executives behind the show that is set to be charged with murder for the death of My Kitchen Rules have...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In what was a bit of a comical scene, three Sydney University students caused havoc around the city's inner suburbs yesterday. The three young males were filmed running through the grounds of the Royal Prince Alfred Hospital and the suburb of Camperdown after escaping from their all-male college up the road. Members of the general population looked on...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has declared the rapidly spreading coronavirus an “unknown global shock” before going quiet for 12 hours and demanding his media team refuse to answer questions from journalists about his whereabouts. Today it can be revealed that the Prime Minister has once again been confronted with a situation well and truly too urgent for his bureaucratic...