ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Minister left a meeting with his Kiwi counterpart, Jacinta Ardern, early this afternoon to alleviate concerns the nation has about coronavirus.

Deep within the bowels of Parliament House, Scotty called a media conference and fronted it with a nondescript plastic bag pulled over his head.

Health Minister Greg Hunt opened the press conference and said something that nobody listened to.

Our reporter was at the presser and can confirm that much of Mr Hunt’s opening remarks were drowned out by the crinkling of the plastic bag over the Prime Minister’s head as he breathed.

After Mr Hunt was done talking, he ran a hand through his hair to make sure his cute part was still in place. He then stepped back and let the Prime Minister talk.

“I just want to assure all Australians that there’s nothing worry ab… Oh!!! Hehe!! That tickles my lips,” he said.

The vibrations of the plastic against the Prime Minister’s lips made an audible buzz.

“Let me continue,”

He was now holding the bag out from his face with an idle hand.

“Coronavirus is a serious issue facing the global community but it’s not one that’s facing our one. Honestly, just go to your local Chinese for dinner tonight. Don’t eat the bat, though!”

The Prime Minister laughed.

“Also, try not to have any pangolin pancakes!”

Laughter continued.

“And absolutely don’t snort any ground-up rhino horn! You can buy blue bombers on the internet now without a prescription!”

“[laughs] See how relaxed I am, guys. Nothing to worry about.”

More to come.


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