ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Minister has compromised with dissidents within his own party by agreeing to increase the amount of go each Newstart payment has in it.

Scotty From Marketing’s latest focus group on the matter also suggested that renaming the unemployment benefit might help inspire people to ‘get off their arses’.

The typical daggy dad spoke to the media this morning in Canberra where he made the announcement flanked by White Person #6 from the National Party and Josh Frydenberg.

“Moving forward, we’re hoping to trial a new name for the Newstart payment,” he said.

“From June 30, the Newstart allowance will be referred to as the ‘Have A Go’ shame payment. All payments from CentreGo will now be referred to as shame payments. Oh yeah, Centrelink will also be renamed to ‘CentreGo’ because we want to cut the link between the government and ‘helping’ Australians who can’t help themselves,”

“In the interim, extra goes will be added to payments. What that entails, our office is still working with the welfare department to work that out. From my understanding now, Newstart recipients now will be given three opportunities to lie about which postcode they live in on job applications. They’ll also be allowed to claim they were educated at an elite private school, followed by a single-sex college at a sandstone university,”

“Newstart recipients will also be given the opportunity to become protestant because of the stigma and cabbage smell attached to Catholic people. If a Newstart recipient isn’t able to make a go of things after receiving all those extra goes, God help them.”

Greg Hunt then laughed but failed to add anything yet again before the three of them went back inside Parliament House.

White Man #6 was simply there to work as a buffer between the National Party’s public image and Barnaby Joyce.

More to come.


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