The Nation

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local father of four has today offered up some hope for our flailing nation. With over half the population in lockdown due to our federal government's woefully inadequate jab rollout, Betoota Heights chippy Phil Kostas reckons the end is in sight. "We are gonna be alright. She hates the heat mate," said Kostas today. "Haaaaaaaates the heat...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Melbourne Suburb of Fitzroy is reporting one of the most incredible environmental changes in recorded history this week. In a never-seen-before occurrence, a sharehouse in the trendy inner Melbourne suburb has developed its own ecosystem within its walls. The sight that biologists needed to see to believe, is a place tenanted by 5 young professionals, and is...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT WHO WANTS TO TAKE ON THE CHAMP? Despite dreaming about this scenario since the first day of his apprenticeship twenty years ago, Yagoona-based carpenter, Cam Seftons (41) has already grown tired of being forced to stay home on full pay. After getting a bit too familiar with Sky Racing in his man-cave yesterday, Cam has decided to give the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The State of Melbourne has escalated a rivalry with an old foe today. Speaking to the media this morning, Premier Dan Andrews announced that his government would be extending the state's lockdown for another 7 days. The declaration came shortly before Melbourne's arch-rival Sydney, announced another 78 new cases, with 21 of those still out in the community...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A report released by the Gold Coast council has confirmed that identifying a local chick is pretty easy, and it has nothing to do with a golden tan. Beth Schwartz, the managing director of the tourist department, says that the Gold Coast has become its own entity, complete with its own set of customs and culture.  Though the early 2000s...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT CHUMP-E-YUN: NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has confirmed that the bizarre ban on construction work in Greater Sydney will go ahead, despite rumours that it would be reviewed and repealed were spread this morning by conservative media commentators acting on behalf of developers. Berejiklian defended the decision by simply pointing out that majority of Australia's tradespeople come from the exact...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The visiting French Rugby team has today revealed how thankful they are to bid Australia farewell. After a relatively successful hit out against our young Wallabies team in which they almost milked a series win, the French players said they cannot wait to get back to freedom. "Goodbye big island prison," said French Captain Anthony Jelonch from the...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT When local DIY hack Evan Harlett needs to turn a piece of wood into a much smaller piece of wood of a different shape, there’s nothing he likes more than heading down to the local hardware store and buying a new tool to get the job done in the fastest, noisiest way. And the only thing he enjoys...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A group of straight blokes has today raised some eyebrows, after unanimously deciding a hike up a mountain warranted a photo of their bare naked, inverted asses. It’s alleged the group of Brisbane boys had agreed to do a hike up Mount Cootha one Sunday morning when the frosty weather and gorgeous scenery prompted them to drop their...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A mum has tonight thwarted all attempts to enjoy dinner, despite multiple family members urging her to sit the fuck down. Debra Lewisham is alleged to have toiled in the kitchen for over an hour, making a top notch roast chicken, complete with seasonal veggies and a potato bake. Despite complaining that no one helped her and that, ‘she...