FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT
When local DIY hack Evan Harlett needs to turn a piece of wood into a much smaller piece of wood of a different shape, there’s nothing he likes more than heading down to the local hardware store and buying a new tool to get the job done in the fastest, noisiest way.
And the only thing he enjoys more than watching the sawdust fly is to improve the new tool by carefully repositioning the guards from around the whirling blades to the bottom of the bin.
“The first thing you need to do is get the instruction booklet out,” explained Evan, unboxing his new Ozito 1500W ¾” Eviscerator.
“The booklet is perfect to wipe your hands on so you don’t get your new tool dirty. Then fuck all those shitty guards off because they just get in the way. They only put the guards on because some stupid dickheads hurt themselves by not using common bloody sense.”
“Next you plug it in, hold the piece of wood with the bench hook like this and fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Can someone drive me to the ER? And maybe we should stop off at the servo to get a bag of ice on the way”.
“It would be unprofessional to call Evan a fool” said Triage Nurse Megan Hagells, as she watched most of Evan stagger though the door carrying a bag containing ice and the rest of Evan, “but most of his visits to the ER are because he is using a power tool in a foolish way. I wouldn’t say he’s a do-it-yourself expert; but he’s clearly a fan of do-it-to-yourself.”