Local News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTCity boy Jack Sharples has made an attempt to prove he knows a thing or two about farm life by confidently making a weird little clicking sound in an attempt to summon a horse towards him. According to Sharples, when his wife Toni realised he had cousins who owned a cattle farm she immediately contacted them to organise a...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTThe results are in and the Millennials that could either afford kids or didn’t think things through have given their children weird fucking names. At the time of writing, it is estimated that by 2025, roll calls in K to 2 classes will easily be mistaken for the former line up of the ‘70s folk musicians in Arlo Guthrie’s...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA local teenage smart arse claims that his life changed for the better three years ago when he learnt that referring to a female dog as a bitch is technically correct. Known online as iSchatMyself and SchatFetish, Tarron Schatner (13) of Betoota Heights High thinks that he is pretty cool and clever for someone who picked music and drama...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA local mate has proved that honesty is the best policy even though it is often rude and weird as shit. Often described as ‘blunt’ by his mates, and ‘miserable sod’ when he’s not around, Ezikiel Vieb (39) of Betoota’s French Quarter believes that honesty is the way to go because it saves time and he’s already lived too...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke’s sudden commitment to taking his fitness routine seriously has unfortunately resulted in some deal breaking repercussions for his poor girlfriend, who isn’t sure having bigger muscles to squeeze will be worth it. After years of whining about being on the skinny side, Ian Helms says he decided to ‘give this gym stuff a real go’,...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A morbidly hungover local man named Merrick Barnes has this week stared into his own soul, after ordering himself a pizza. The strange occurrence came after he had a meat lovers pizza delivered to his 2 bedroom flat in Betoota's French Quarter. Opening up the cardboard box with 5,000 kilojoules worth of dough, meat and sauce, Merrick said...

CLYDE ROYAL |Western News| Contact In a recent survey conducted by a group of Betoota Polytechnic Comms students, it's been uncovered that blokes in a drinking environment often use greetings to symbolise hidden messages.Members of the survey were asked to rank different greetings depending on how happy they were to see the greeted party. Survey options and outcome below.Look what the cat...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA woman who has a track record of having unfortunate taste in men has this week finally cracked it, after her mate thought it’d be funny to yet again remind her about that one guy she was desperately in love with a couple of years ago - a guy that Chelsea Young tries desperately to forget she...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact Data released from the Australian Bureau of Statistics has this week revealed that Melbourne has officially surpassed Sydney in becoming the nations’ most populated city, which will be the first in over 100 years that harbour city has lost its crown to its emo sibling. Though many have cited Melbourne’s ‘air of diversity’ as the leading cause of its...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA Betoota man’s path hath been chosen for him as new teacher Timothy Flatcox will be forced to be a cruel bastard for his entire career. Wanting a challenge that would come with frequent breaks, Flatcox decided to pursue teaching and recently picked up a few contracts as a substitute as male teachers are still a fun novelty for...