LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A local teenage smart arse claims that his life changed for the better three years ago when he learnt that referring to a female dog as a bitch is technically correct.
Known online as iSchatMyself and SchatFetish, Tarron Schatner (13) of Betoota Heights High thinks that he is pretty cool and clever for someone who picked music and drama as their electives next year.
Renowned for being an absolute smartass to substitute teachers, transit officers and step dads alike, Schatner prides himself on being an edgy little prick in the most technically correct way possible.
“Come here bitch!” yelled Schatner, knowing full well how it sounded to everyone else at the dog park.
“Come on hurry up you dumb little bitch! Yes you are! Who’s a dumb little fat little bitch?”
Although technically the correct English word for a female dog, bitch is also used as a derogatory term for women and rappers that aren’t as good at rap as the rapper who is currently rapping (in their opinion).
Despite being used well in media such as Mean Girls and Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, casual/non-hip-hop use of the word has fallen out of vogue in recent years and now mainly serves as a way of finding out which work colleagues you really don’t want to get tipsy with.
Even though he is aware of all of this context, Schatner “will not have the English language bastardised” and as a result will continue to refer to the beloved pet who got his family through his mum’s chemo as ‘the town bitch’.
“What? That’s what she is; a bitch. She’s just a complete bitch. Just like my ex.”
Our reporting team then asked Schatner who his ex was, to which he replied she goes to another school and that he’d show us a photo but she blocked him on everything.
We were unable to confront Schatner about the obvious fakeness of his ex-girlfriend as he then proceeded to gather a bundle of sticks and say several unpublishable but ultimately correct slurs.
MORE TO COME.