Local News

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local student is having an existential crisis this morning after questioning why they’re bothering to study a $50,000 communications degree. Having left her childhood home of Quilpie to study a Bachelor of Media at Betoota’s prestigious University of Western Queensland, Shauna Shaner (22) was initially enthused at the prospect of living amongst the bright lights of...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Noosa Heads man has today been reported to the Royal Society for The Prevention Of Cruelty To Animals by a concerned community member. Brad Phillips (29) was reported a short time ago after being seen taking his Siberian Husky for a run along the beach this morning. With temperatures still reasonably hot on Queensland's retirement belt, a...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactBetoota Heights woman Bev Hartnett has this weekend come so close to exerting some self control, after making it past several kebab shops without buying some hot chips, it’s reported. Though it’s difficult enough to avoid buying a nice little hot treat on any given day, it’s roughly twenty times harder when one has had a few cocktails...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Bondi rental agency has found themselves in hot water today, after a Reddit user by the name of Sexyturtle_001 uploaded the ridiculous rental application form they had to fill out  to the Sydney forum, which has since racked up thousands of upvotes. Titled ‘Knocked back for not being good looking enough’, the user went on to say that...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Equalution is the cool new diet program based on getting a healthy amount of all of the things on the nutritional information table including protein, fibre, carbs, sugars and fats. While this was once called ‘eating a balanced diet’ it’s called Equalution now so please do feel free to keep up you disgracefully old chump. Previously focusing on things called...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT An awe-inspiring annual migration has taken place today as every member of an all boys sharehouse has made the switch from a Kmart fan to a Kmart electric blanket. The terrace house in the Betoota French Quarter is home to Keiran, Dave, Miles, Vinny and Pradeep who keep the proud traditions of an all boy sharehouse alive by memorialising...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A backstreet CBD Vietnamese takeaway has been applauded today for leaving out a warning sign to its queue of white customers. Nestled in the backstreets of Daroo and Collins Street, Pho King Yum has been serving its tasty array of Bánh mì rolls, Phở Soups and Bánh Xèo Pancakes to Betoota’s corporate community for the last 15...

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact NIMBYISM has taken on a deeper meaning today after the Nation’s property moguls decided it also applies to their one asset that never returned anything good; their broke and useless offspring. The Franked Dividends Appreciation Society (FDAS), the peak industry body that represents solely the interests of our boomer cohort, has called on federal government to criminalise broke adult...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTIn local news, a cherished Bánh Mì takeaway shop has been awarded a place on the National Heritage List this week off the back of its continued commitment to offering sensibly priced lunch deals. For over 24 years, the famous ‘Saigon Roll Bakehouse’ on Raudonikis Street in the flight path district has served a delicious selection of...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA local bloke has outed himself as a tightass this afternoon by treating his friends to a cheap bottle of wine that’s capable of stripping the paint off a submarine. Invited to a garden party to celebrate the 35th birthday of his long-time friend Tamika Lee-Harrison, local sales rep Callam Andrews (33) is believed to have rocked...