Local News

Local Boomers Arrested After Attempting To Hand Out Mint Humbugs To Trick Or Treating Kids

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news out of Betoota Heights this evening, a crime scene has been established at a 6 bedroom triple garage red brick house in a quiet cul-de-sac. Emergency services were called to the scene after reports of a couple of boomers trying to give children out mint humbugs. Popular for it's trick-or-treating during the Halloween run,...

Restaurant Floor Manager The Only Staff Member Paid Enough To Sing Happy Birthday To A Stranger

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact An investigation into the psychological toll of singing happy birthday to strangers has revealed some staggering results today. The piece, led by The Advocate, discovered that restaurant managers are the only staff members paid enough to be able to overcome the humiliation of singing to a complete stranger. Our reporters managed to work closely with over 100 of Betoota’s top restaurants, initially...

Woman Not Sure Man Is Attractive Or Just In A Position Of Power

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Pam Jensen today started questioning her choices, after a particular incident at work left her feeling a bit hot under the collar. The 30-year-old legal administrator had been reprimanded by the CFO for misplacing a document, and instantly felt herself feeling more attracted to him. “I wasn’t really into Rob but since he got promoted he just seems...

Serial Killer Who Received Better Standard Of Healthcare Than Refugee Children, Dies

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Ivan Milat, Australia's most notorious serial killer, and man who received far better health care and treatment than refugee children (and adults) on offshore detention has died aged 74. Milat who was serving seven life sentences for the murders of seven backpackers died in Long Bay jail this morning, after being diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. The...

Report: Chrysler 300C Drivers Know People Who Know People

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT All Chrysler 300C drivers probably know somebody who knows somebody, a new report has revealed. The report, commissioned by the Australian Federal Police, uncovered that all 300C drivers involved in the study directly or indirectly knew people who could solve certain problems, procure certain items, or even make certain people or objects disappear as required. “What we have found...

Facebook Friend Debunks Climate Change With Pictures Of Garbage Left By Protesters

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT The scientific community is in turmoil today after the entire premise of climate change and global warming was totally debunked by a man with no scientific credentials. Betoota local and noted climate change skeptic Brett Melon posted a link to a picture this morning purporting to show bins overflowing with garbage after a climate change rally. Although several scientists...

Yuppie Mum Begins Search For New GP Who Can’t See Through Her “Fear Of Flying”

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact Christina Pieratta has “had it up to here with GP’s in this town,” it has been confirmed. The revelation came after Christina was denied her thinly veiled request for a Valium prescription. “Why won’t they just give me some fucking Valium?”  Christina has been hopping from one Medical Practice to another pleading for ‘something’ to help her with her...

Local Bachelor Deep In COD Wormhole Tosses Up Between Mi Goreng And Plain Cheese Toastie

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young local man was forced to make a tough choice today. Moulded into his couch, deep in the middle of a Call of Duty Modern Warfare wormhole, Kyal Hitchens had to make a decision about how he would keep his body going - and not by draining another 500ml can of Monster energy drink. He had to figure out whether to wait...

Young Professional Lies And Says She Actually Always Wanted To Be Miranda

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local young professional has today lied to her colleagues and the world at large, by claiming she always wanted to be Miranda. Referring to the popular tv show Sex and The City, the legal graduate at a large recognisable to people in the industry firm called Minties & Allens explained that she actually never wanted to...

Fairly Intense Mate Of A Mate Owns A Snake

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT In what comes as a surprise to few, local man Charlie Breen owns a snake. Those who know the full-time programmer from the Betoota Heights say the fact that the 29-year-old owns a snake makes a fair bit of sense. "Yeah that makes perfect sense," said a mate of Charlie's mate today. "He followed me over the weekend...

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