Local News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In breaking news, it has been revealed that local unit Nick ‘Kingo’ King refers to himself as a ‘big kid at heart’ primarily for the reason that he sleeps in a single bed. The 36-year-old plumber is known for his workplace antics and ability to do anything in order to get attention under the guise that he is trying...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact One of Betoota’s top advertising agencies, TBJUQS/Smith, has successfully tricked its employees into thinking they’re not being overworked and underpaid by having a sparkling water tap installed alongside their regular cold and hot filtered water tap. Having been installed last night, the hysteria in the office today can apparently rival that caused by the visit of Princess Diana back...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local HR representative Sophie Mackay's winter body has met its biggest hurdle yet this afternoon. This comes as the 26-year-old Betoota Grove woman made the colossal fuck up of attempting to engage her gym instructor with non-heath and fitness related conversation. "I should have known" she told our reporters. "He has a Carpe Diem tattoo across in shoulders in Old English....

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Belle Goliath, the girlfriend of Bill Smith, is today attending the funeral of the late Sandrine Smith, an eighty-six-year-old grandmother who passed away in a tragic croquet accident last week. It’s believed Belle hadn’t really met much of Bill’s extended family, so although a sad occasion, it was her chance to impress her future family in-law. It was going...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With Scott Morrison now locked in as Prime Minister until the Libspill pencilled in for 2021, a local Christian school has felt empowered to introduce a controversial ‘No Gender, No Play’ rule during lunchtime. Saint Augustine of Damascus Primary School implemented the playground rule in an effort to stop a small percentage of children from expressing their inner...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Meandering through Betoota’s peak hour afternoon traffic, Thomas Pooley was left facing quite a conundrum this afternoon. After a hedonistic weekend where he polluted his body like a giant Indian resources company let loose in the Galilee basin, the Engineer from our town’s Heights district said he’s feeling a little remorseful today. However, despite the fact that he relentlessly...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Anita Cruz has shown her worst side today after attempting to steal the thunder of her best friend’s upcoming wedding. Not one to shy away from attention, Anita the little psychopath uploaded yet another throwback album to her special day, which was over a year ago.  Sources close to Anita have revealed that she couldn’t deal with the limelight...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact In breaking news, The Advocate has found a family who’ve managed to halve their sugar intake without spending thousands on a nutritionist or a dietician. Excitingly, Beverley Arthur, mother of Jake, Tyson and Emeelee, says that it’s something anyone can do. “You won’t believe it, but it’s so easy to tell if a product is full of sugar or...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Damien (Damo) Molloy took a deep and considered breath through his nose this morning as he walked past the ventilation shutters of the pokie den at the Betoota Imperial Hotel. This goes against the grain of every other passer-by, who are usually seen holding their breath. Damo quit smoking two months ago as he embarked on his self-imposed ‘glow-up’...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A local atheist has found herself this afternoon praying to god that the man making his way down the aeroplane aisle, isn’t coming for the spare seat next to her. “God, please no!” Anne Small thought to herself, or maybe she said it out aloud, she can’t be sure. Although trying to play it cool and pretend she doesn’t care...